Here goes:
>>>John pulled up his aching, chained legs against his naked torso, shivering from the terrible coldness. The dungeon forbade any sunlight from the outside world, and the whole place stank with the stench of death. John moaned with pain, as the candle burned out, leaving him in the complete blackness. Oh well, he would just have to wait for the prison guard to give him his next beating and a new supply of light. John leaned his sore head against the rough wall, staring bleakly at the darkness beyond. Life was hard in this dungeon. Prisoners suffered from disease, numerous beatings, and hardly a scrap of food.<<< For John, being away from his family was the hardest part. A lump filled in John’s throat, a terrible suffering clouding his features.
I was wondering that if you continued on with the mysterious factor how that would sound? Instead of introducing the man as John there at the beginning, start as you did "For John, being away..." It gives us that feeling of mystery of who is this person? And then suddenly, his name is revealed with a very important character trait: family means something to him, which in turn means something for Christian, no? I just think it might help in doing this; if you have your doubts, read it over with HE in place of John before the "For John..." sentence.
>>>He dreamed he was a condemned man named, John, who was thrown in the dungeons for preaching about some God. He couldn’t understand the dream. It was so real, he could literally smell the terrible stench, feel the pain in his joints, and the anxiety of it all.<<<
Perhaps this part can be a little more dreamlike? Christian could wake up...think of the name John (or rather to make it known that this may not be real; italicize the part with John...flashbacks, dreams, etc, are sometimes in different fonts in certain books, you know? And just last year I wrote a piece for my creative writing class that had flashbacks in it and the first thing my prof told me was ITALICIZE those flashbacks!!) Plus, I think it would offer more to Christian's confusion about the entire dream...make this feel sudden and abrupt as someone would feel waking from a dream so powerful that they can feel the pain and dread...
>>>The man whom Christian saved. Achilis was a towering, barrel-chested, hustler bustler type of guy, who had an impatient, intolerable kind of kind temperament. He’d never stand for any short comings on duty<<<
Just as a little note, because I could have missed it somewhere in the reading...it might help to describe what Christian looks like unless this comes later (you do a bit through the description of the kids and mention his aqua eyes)? I noticed there is 3 chapters to this...I just wanted to mention it because I got totally scolded at by classmates and the prof of the ADVANCED creative writing class for not describing what someone looks like. Personally, I think sometimes the story can offer little cues, like maybe he ran his hand through his blonde hair? Or some girl admired his extremely toned and amazing body? I don't know just little things here and there in a story that make suggestions towards the characters looks. Being that Achilis is sort of a subcharacter it's okay to describe him as you did. Perfectly fine, actually, but per expectations most people would want a description of the main character.
>>>The room shifted its attention unto Christian. Christian blinked. Stunned. He stood up to his feet hesitantly, and walked over to the chest. He peered into the contents and stared at the treasures.
Which three should he pick?
Grabbing three of the many golden artifacts, he slipped them into a simple brown sack and then resumed back to his seat besides Caleb.<<<
Now, why must he choose three? Are alluding to the religious symbolism of the three gifts Jesus got at his birth? Though, if Christian's God is different from John's does the Jesus thing fit? And being that he is in command why doesn't he have control of this situation? And if you have an answer to that question, then there's this one, why is stunned that he is asked to pick first? He is a revered leader is he not?
>>Her beloved Christian was finally coming home! The rumor of this long, treacherous battle had been devastating and every night she worried for her husband’s life. Though everyone knew that Christian would probably be the least likely to a get a limb cut off.<<<
Is this a flashback or is it really happening? Is Christian going to see his beloved after that battle? It really seems like it's a flashback of sorts. Okay, so it is real time. He does get see his wife after so much time...so that's why he thinks of Kristine? It was nearing the end of an assignment...?
>>James only giggled, but it was more of a snort than a giggle. <<<
You could just say the little kid snorted. It would be all right for one as young as him to just snort. He wouldn't quite grasp why his father is telling him to regard woman. I think it'd be okay to say he just snorted, forgetting all together about giggling.
>>>And how did that go? Well, most would say the fight was pathetically easy for Christian, which led him here today, the rich, soon to be honored champion of Mephistophelia. He was the greatest warrior in all of history. <<<
This reminds me a lot of Beowulf (do you know it?). Though, it seems Christian has doubts about how he is supposed to be and whether or not he is a HERO? I also think you don't need that "And how did that go?"...that seems more of an author's/narrator's quip than what Christian is thinking. He is only thinking that most people considered this battle with the giant very easy for him. He already knows what happened, right? So tell it.
All right, finished! I really like your dialogue. It is strong. Though, I wonder did you have in mind a particular way these people spoke? It is with an understanding of the English language that has poetic and intelligent quality to it? How Shakespeare sounds, but much more modernized, if that makes sense? Making them sound eloquent, I guess, it what I am asking? Did you think about a particular sound concerning their voices? Plus, this is some interesting religious symbolism. It is all from legend, myth, theoretical bible stuff? Or just that book you mentioned at the beginning that inspired you? I know this is a lot of questions, but maybe it helped. And you don't have to respond, but I'd like to know your thoughts!!
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