Ooh. Very interesting!!! I love it. I love the hidden emotion in it. I really don't have any suggestions for you. The flow is okay, I only stumbled once or twice over some things but I'm not sure how to advise you on fixing it. For example: and turn out the light / on you, maybe that was a personaly problem but I stumbled over the line break. :)
Your poem is very interesting. An intriguing topic.
There's not much to change, just a few things that popped out at me.
Stanza 1; Line 2 : Generally in grammar it is taught that in place of using they you should use he/she, but since that seems sloppy and unattractive I would suggest using just he. I know this can cause problems with people thinking you're sexist but it's a rule of grammar. And also just a suggestion from me. :)
Stanza 1; Line 3 : I looked this up in the dictionary just to be sure but gunsmoke should be two words. Or you could hyphenate it: gun-smoke.
Stanza 1; Line 4 :Everyone's lost and nobody's won. My first thought reading this was, "Everyone is lost." That gets a bit confusing.
Stanza 1; Line 5 :Richman like gunsmoke needs to be two words. (Or, again, hyphenated.)
Stanza 1; Line 6 :The thief comes takes away our pleasures, It seems like there should be something between comes and takes. Or at least put in a comma there. I know you may be trying to follow a certain form but it makes you stumble in other places...
Stanza 1; Line 7 :Every three seconds a child from hunger dies, My tongue stumbles on this line. This is just a suggestion and just MY OPINION but I think, in MY OPINION, that switching from to of would sound better.
And I love the last line of this first stanza.
Stanza 2; Line 4 : Saying "multiplied grown" is redundant. If you're using that purposely for emphasis, it doesn't quite hit the mark. And any other reason is not understood by me...
Stanza 2; Line 5 :IN MY OPINION you should put quotations around the "to do."
It's only a handful of dreams,
But my heart weeps and screams,
For the future of our youth
To not know this as truth.
The second quotation mark is good for emphasis but if that wasn't your purpose maybe it should be removed. The last line just doesn't sound right, it's another stumbling block, I just don't know how to change it.
Stanza 4; Line 1 :Will the parents round the world ever teach This could just be my opinion but I think that "round" needs a ' before it. Making it 'round.
Stanza 4; Line 7 :There is in fact enough food in the world, the "in fact" seems like a side note so you might want to put commas before and after.
Stanza 5; Line 6 :No one wants, no need to lock any door, These two seperate... phrases are too meshed together. It makes me ask myself, "No one wants WHAT?" It seems no one wants the need to lock the door... Is there a way you could separate them more?
Stanza 5; Line 7 :A child asks "what does hunger mean?" When someone begins to speak there needs to be a comma after the "says" or "asks." And since this is the first thing child is speaking. The "what" needs to be capitalized.
Okay, with that said, I really like your topic. I love the expression of "weeping and screaming" because what many call "world peace" cannot be achieved. It's beautiful, as is the feeling behind it. I hope that my review wasn't too harsh but helpful. You've probably noticed my "IN MY OPINION" blurbs, that's just letting you know that it IS just my opinion, I'm admitting that I may not be right. :)
You have way too many dots. Find other ways of punctuating. You have all of one real sentence ending and that's at the very end of the poem. To help the flow and even just the form and look of the poem, try to seperate your sentences with more than just commas. Go through and re-evaluate. If you have to, take out all the punctuation, slowly read it to yourself as if you've never read it before and then decide where to place commas and periods.
Now, for other details.
First stanza, third and fourth lines. In my opinion you're building up to something good just in the first stanza.
Sometimes in the ocean of love or,
Amidst a bed of flowers,
I started reading this whole stanza and when I got to this part I was like, "Ocean of love" a little cliche but it still sparks a little imagination. The problem with these two lines is that you go from an abstract thought to something concrete. I think for better effect you should swap it.
Also, something I just now noticed. You say " They take me to places unexplored" and they say something about the "Ocean of love" but you continue to talk about love as if you have experienced it before.
Every time I look into them,
I see a new you and a new me,
Merging as one,
Dancing and basking in the glory of love,
If I saw a new me every time I looked into my lovers' eyes I'd be scared. Why is it exactly that I keep changing?! Would be my thought. I'm assuming you would look into a lovers' eyes quite often. Does it make sense to see new versions of you every time? Maybe simple rewording would fix this problem.
Your eyes….are the gateway to our souls,
Souls which are one since time immemorial,
And shall remain so till eternity!
I'd be scared if his eyes were the gateway to MY soul. Sure they make my soul fill with emotion but someone else's eyes are going to be a door to their soul only.
Immemorial. Interesting how you throw in a rare word amongst the common every day words. It sticks out like a sore thumb. Not only that but you used it wrong. Immemorial is an adjective and you used it as a verb. AND time and immemorial just don't work together.
Besides the harsh criticism, I did somewhat enjoy this poem. I think it definitely has potential but is very much the beginning of a rough draft. I can identify with the feelings, they are very real though they seem presented in a very young and... almost middle school or early highschool setting. No offense there. You go through the stages as time passes. :)
I hope that I've helped you out! Keep writing!!!
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