Love the play on words. Simple and entertaining. Maybe you could develop it further than just the dialogue. You could add details that would give us a sense of the scene, the facial expressions, the characters themselves. Not only physical descriptions, but also details about their voices, reactions, attitude. It would make this a great short story. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This left me wanting more. If it's a chapter of a novel, it certainly catches the reader's eye. It raises many questions that would keep the reader going. Who is Melantha? Why is Christina known to the press? Who is Jones and what is her relationship to Christina? Who is Nevada's sister?
This is definitely a piece that asks for more. I'm not sure it has enough information to be considered a complete short story, but it definitely has elements for a fun novel.
Just check for a few typos, like on paragraph 19, where you have "she" instead of "see". My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is a nice piece that shows a side of sororities that is rarely seen. However, I think listening from different people and better describing the people you do hear would give it more credibility. You give me names and ages, and if I already have a prejudice, I'll just picture Barbie-looking girls complaining. But if you describe them, maybe I'll get a better picture. Is one of the girls you interviewed overweight? Is one of them an immigrant, or Jewish, or black? Are they as diverse as they claim they are? Getting a clear picture would prove your point better than quotes.
Another interesting thing would be to hear from people who are not in sororities, like a professor, for instance. Are these girls really good students? Does the school have more problems coming from Greek students? Credible sources like professors, headmasters and school staff would also help you prove your point.
Hope it helps! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is very entertaining. You were able to perfectly convey the feminine neurotic crisis that a simple comment can trigger - and how, of course, it has to be the husbands fault. Paragraph four is particularly funny. This could easily be a character in a novel.
However, the last two paragraphs are confusing. It took me a few second to understand. You would ne a break that indicates that time has passed, maybe a * between paragraphs or something like that. And I'm assuming this "accident" would have been caused by the wife? It would probably be good to make that clearer. After saying it has been one year since the accident, you could say something like "I really didn't mean for that skillet to crack his head open" or something like that.
This is a good story to tell. It has all the elements: internal conflict, a mistake, regret, redemption. It's emotional and real, and that's great.
However, I think you could take it a bit further. You're telling a lot and showing little. For instance, the moment where the mom explains what happens to her son. You quickly described it in one sentence: "I did my best to make things right. I knelt down, told him moms sometimes make mistakes, and that I knew he didn't break it on purpose, that it was an accident." That's how you would tell it to someone the next day. But if you're turning it into a story, you need more. How was the room? How did you feel? How did he look? Were tears coming down his face? Was he swiping them away or letting them drop on his lap? How did you approach him? How did he react to your words? How was the look in his eyes?
Of course you don't want to go into cliches or long and boring descriptions. But this story has great potential and you should explore that. There is a lot that can be better described, from physical descriptions to feelings.
Other than that, you're in the right path. You should only revise it for a few typos and some long sentences (especially in the first paragraph).
Best of luck!
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