Are you using commas for marking the end of sentences? Or an entire paragraph meant to be a sentence? I've learned that people like simpler sentences... It's difficult to read due to the commas versus end of sentence.
But story wise it's interesting. Lots of imagination.
I was lost in the actual story and not grammar wise, but I sympathize with you. Sometimes I feel the same... And then again If I get into a line of people, suddenly another line pops up from another angle and everybody looks at me, like why are you standing there, don't you see WE ARE THE LINE?
Nice!
Good flow, great storytelling.
Good details were it matters...
I like the ending too, albeit I was sure it would be something hilarious. I can tell this isn't your first and definitely not the last!
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