Sounds amazing, like when I went to France. It is weird, the way you write about nature and your surroundings is similar to way I do as well. But it is cooler to read yours :)).
Anyways, as you talked about sticking your head out the window, it made me laugh because I could picture you or someone doing that. The details and descriptions you used were exact enough to the point where I could almost feel "the deep breeze whip my face." They were nicely balanced throughout the piece because you described in detail just enough so I could see what you saw, but not too much, in which I was overwhelmed.
Great job, keep on.
That was pretty intense. I definiteley got into it, I felt for them. My boyfriend just left for Cali for 4 months. You did really well with their conversations because sometimes it is hard to make them realistic, but they seemed real, you could almost feel their pain.
I have a few suggestions, and you can ignore them if you want, but one is that Will kind of seems unimportant, an unnecessary bystander. A few paragraphs in, the paragraph beginning with "He sat in his car for a moment, silent." was kind of confusing and it was difficult to distinguish Will and Jack. My next suggestion was the names. I love Riley because boy names for girls are awesome, but Will and Jack seem so bland. One bland name is fine, but two out of three kind of drags down their character. And lastly, try to say their names a little less, experiment with different ways to call them instead of Jack or him. You know?
But I did love it and it definitely is better than most I have read so far.
I would love to give helpful suggestions to better the piece, but I cannot find anything say. I absolutely loved it. It is so simple and so real, but it has this elegant flow. It almost seems to be more a prose than a short story.
I do not know if it is just because I am a woman, but I was able to connect with the character, which is a difficult task to do in such a short piece.
I think it is the way you write, it is not sharp and structured, but real and it makes me feel comfortable enough to indulge myself completely in the story.
Very very well done.
Phi Sig
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gellarose89
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:19am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
