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1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Jay,
I love this poetic song you composed based on John 14:1-3.
Is there a melody to the lyrics of this poem by now?
I would love to listen to it.

Thanks for sharing.
2
2
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, brom 21:
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SP Dance Party Raid Tag 1
It’s Raid time and I find the title of your submission intriguing, so much so, that I am compelled to stop and read it and offer you my input.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. I am going to cut through the chase and present to you the highlight of my observations.

Formatting Good application of proper formatting standard. For purposes of our submissions here in wdc, we don’t have to follow standard rules of formatting in to-to as we are not into publishing yet; but for purposes of clarity and readability, here are a few rules we need to apply in our writing to enhance enjoyment for our readers:
*Make short paragraphs with one idea per paragraph
*No extra space between paragraphs
*Only one space between sentences
*If you want to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line. Some published writers suggests double spacing between paragraphs.

*Content This is a delightful family dynamic Christmas story. All the children are having fun and Charlie is willingly obeying his parent’s order to clean the trash from opening presents as well as to tidy up his bedroom so he can open his present, specially the PS3.


As far as *Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation, Spelling go, here are some snippets I copied and pasted that need tweaking for clarity:
Paragraph 1: “...and a two bonnets with pink bows on top.” [Delete the article a because two bonnets is plural.]
“...wrapped in candy candy cane paper.” [Delete the second candy. It’s duplicated.]
4: Last sentence: “Karen opened the it and there was the mail carrier.” [Delete the it unless you replace it with “opened the door.”
Put a space after close quotation mark. This shows three or four times in the narrative.
Correct typo for “would’t” to “wouldn’t]
5: Use of ellipsis - This always come with three dots. The only time a fourth dot is added is when the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence.
Your’selves - remove the apostrophe. It doesn’t belong. Also, “outside” is one word. If the word is cut in half and the other half goes to the next line, use a dash to show it’s one word.
10: “...cartoon clown landed in from of him.” [Change to “landed in front of him.”]
19: “He filled a cup of scolding hot water...” [Replace scolding with scalding]

*Dialogue
You employed a great dialogue between Charlie and Spiffy. It shows your characters interacting with each other. and moved the story. Additionally, dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes them feel their watching the characters move.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away. Keep writing, Brom21. Your battle is already half-way won. Try to proofread and polish before posting. There are always typos and misplaced parts of speech than can be avoided if we take a last-minute critical look at our finished work product.
Write away! You’re good for it.


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3
3
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Arakon,
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SP Dance Party Raid Tag 1
It’s Raid time and I found the title of your story intriguing so much so that I have to stop to read it and offer you my input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. I’m going to cut through the chase and only present to you the highlight of my observation.

Formatting For purposes of our submissions here in wdc, we don’t have to follow the standard rules in formatting in to-to as we’re not into publishing yet; but, for purposes of clarity and readability, here are a few rules we need to apply in our writing to enhance enjoyment for our readers:
*Make short paragraphs with one idea per paragraph
*No extra space between paragraphs
*Only one space between sentences
*If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like***) on the line. (Some published writers suggest double spacing between paragraphs.)

*Content Wow! There are so many twists and turns in this story. It’s a page-turner. I can’t keep up. I thought I have figured out the next event but I find myself grasping for breath. This is truly a tearjerker. I can’t wait to read what happens in the end. Here I am, anticipating the climax of the story.

*Dialogue
Your employment of dialogue has broken the monotony of a straight narrative. It shows your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. It makes the characters alive and moves the story with precision.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the overall presentation of your story. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away. Great presentation of a tearjerker. Your creative storytelling shows your talent. Keep writing. Hope to see your work someday in the bestselling rack of every bookstore.


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4
4
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, :Hello, Genipher,

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The topic of your submission intrigued me. I have to stop and read your viewpoint and share my take away.

Formatting
Formatting fits well for this exposition. So I will not belabor you and me in hashing the nitty-gritty of punctuation marks and such.

*Content and Point of View
I am impressed with your exposition from the biblical point of view with references to the conception in the woman’s womb.
Indeed, I totally agree with your adherence to what the scripture teaches. This topic intrigued me because just last week at my Writer’s Bloc critiquing workshop, there was a discussion about when a woman conceives. There was an assertion from some participants that “sexual intercourse is conception.” I disagreed with this notion because what I know is that conception happens when the sperm fertilizes the egg in the womb. But I was told not to argue and just accept the suggestion to replace the word I used from conceiving to pregnancy. That did not set right in my thinking process and I did a thorough research on the subject matter. So let me share with you the outcome of my diligent research on this controversial issue..

So when does conception occur? It can happen as soon as thirty minutes after ejaculation during sexual intercourse, or it can take several days. It’s all about timing An egg can be fertilized between twelve to twenty-four hours after it’s released into the fallopian tubes. After that time, the egg cell starts to deteriorate and after twenty-four hours it can no longer be fertilized. However, sperm survival rates are high, and can survive in the female reproductive tract for up to five days awaiting an egg to fertilize. Depending on where one is in her menstrual cycle, then, conception would potentially happen a few days after sexual intercourse. While they live longer than egg cells, sperm cells do die off over time too so if one is trying to get pregnant it’s best not to time sex too far advance of ovulation. Having intercourse the day before ovulation may increase ones chances of conceiving - but to do this, one needs to know when she ovulates. Pregnancy does not start on the day of conception I t’s not a moment but a process, and there are a number of biological steps that need to happen before pregnancy can be confirmed. Conception usually happens between eleven and twenty-one days after ones’ last period, of course, individual cycles are different so this can vary from person to person. This means it is hard to determine the exact date of conception; however, most women know roughly then their last period was. If one is pregnant, this is how healthcare professionals will calculate the due date.: by counting forty weeks from the date of the last menstrual period. Does conception always lead to pregnancy? No. There are various reasons for this, which include: low sperm count, issues with sperm mobility, anovulation (when one is not ovulating), implantation failure ( the fertilized egg does not attach to the uterine lining, decreasing sperm quality, decreasing amount of quality eggs, overall health of both partners, pelvic infections (previous or current). There are different factors at play when it comes to how long it takes to get pregnant.

How do we know if conception occurred? More than likely no one knows that conception has taken place, as there as usually no signs or symptoms - although some women experience spotting when the fertilized egg cell implants into the uterine wall - this is known as implantation bleeding. And the common signs of pregnancy are: a missed period, frequent urination, feeling tired, nausea, sore or swollen breast, spotting, headaches, mood swings.
Reference: Cleveland Clinic (myclevelandclinic.org)

Anyhoo, without going further into more details, suffice it to say that my writing critiques had a misconception of the difference between sexual intercourse and conception. And I’m going to write about it to refute their wrongful assertion. Meanwhile, I do appreciate your work and thorough research from the biblical standpoint of who ultimately controls our destiny when it comes to bearing children to leave a lasting legacy of our ancestry and heritage.


*Dialogue
The only suggestion I would make is to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other to break the monotony of straight narration. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away. Write on. You’re on the right track, Genipher.


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P.S. My apologies if you find typos in this review. My desktop is on the fritz so I’m using my iPad. The fonts on my iPad are so tiny. I cannot see well.


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5
5
Review of Casper  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Odessa Molinari,

On the occasion of writing.com’s 24th birthday celebration, I picked your story to read and review and to offer you my takeaway.

How sad and tragic for the mutt. Glad to know the girl who owns the yorkie blamed the dog instead of the driver.

I feel sorry for the driver as well as for the owner and the dog that darted out into the street. I can appreciate the concern Janice felt and her desire to take the dog to a veterinary hospital to save it, albeit, she was told it was too late at this point.

Good employment of dialogue in this exercise. The reader hears and understands what transpired and able to put herself/himself in the action and actual happening from this conversation.

Good exercise, Odessa. You’re on your way to bigger things in your writing endeavor.

Write away! The more you pen your words in print the better you are altogether. Keep up the good work. Of course it’s flash fiction. So it works to be brief and to the point.


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6
6
Review of A silent betrayal  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear True Echo,
On the occasion of writing.com’s 24th birthday anniversary celebration, I took the privilege of reading your poem and offering you my takeaway.

Wow! What a heartbreaking feeling you have poignantly expressed in this free verse.
You have my sympathy and empathy for the way you were used and played. I hope you have found healing and has moved on.

Look back to learn from your heartbreak and move forward to a satisfying relationship ahead.

Keep writing. Writing serves as a catharsis and therapeutic for a broken heart.


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7
7
Review of For Five Hundred  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, kristopher:

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In celebration of writing.com's 24th anniversary of its existence online as well as in celebration of your birthday, I picked this satirical work from your portfolio to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are color-coded green.

I'm impressed at how you have followed the fundamentals of writing concerning the following basics:
Formatting Good presentation.

*Content I can relate to the excitement of being in the spotlight, in front of a roomful of audience, and the TV watchers at home.

*Mechanics/*Syntax/*Punctuation
I notice you observed the proper use of punctuation marks in presenting
dialogue formatting. I'm impressed.

*Point of View (POV) First person POV works for this genre.

*Element of Conflict I like the pressure that has given tension as the seconds rolled along.

*Climax I was apprehensive to know whether your mother would pickup and save the day. Voila! Thanks, Mom!

Spelling You have done your homework well. I didn't notice any spelling typos which are so common in these submissions.

*Dialogue
You mastered the employment of dialoguing. The story is in the dialogue demonstrating your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author which engages the reader in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions encourage you to keep up with your writing prowess and eventually land your manuscripts on an editor's desk. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt.

*Over-all take away. Keep up the excellent work you have put forth. The more you write the better your output will be.


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8
8
Review of Remember Today  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Lizzie:

This is beautiful from start to finish. I wouldn't change a word because it's spoken from the heart.
And I empathize with your sentiments because I went through the same thing five years ago. It's a bitter-sweet memory that gnaws my heart when I revisit that period with tenderness and introspection.


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9
9
Review of Why I Joined WDC  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jim: Love your memorable account of your journey with writing.com. What adventures you incapsulated and friendships you gained in the fourteen years since joining wdc are beyond description.

I’m glad I’m a part of that dimension in your already busy traveling life. What an incredible journey indeed.

Thank you for including me in your circle of friends who love to write.

When is your next trip to Southern California? I missed the last time you came back. Would love to have another get-together.

Keep me in the know. Meanwhile, take care and God bless you, your travels, and your writing endeavors.

Have a wonderful springtime as it rolls along.

QueenOwl~A New Day Dawns
aka Miriam Day
3/1/24
10
10
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Bonzo:
WdC SuperPower Member to Member Review Raid sig
It's SuperPower Reviewers Group September Raid. So bear with me as I look into your work and offer you my input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
The presentation is fine. It satisfied the elements of a short story or narrative.

*Content
You're in good company to have met this remarkable man on your trip.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and all the nitty-gritty of composition goes, here are some snippets I cut and pasted for your close scrutiny and correction for clarity and readability:

I would take them “with a grain of [salt”.]
[Put your period inside the quotation:
I would take them “with a grain of [salt.”]

According to The Writer's Digest, Grammar Desk Reference:
Typographical convention in the United States requires that periods and commas always be inserted before the closing quotation marks – regardless of whether a direct quotation consists of an entire sentence, a phrase, or a single word. This convention, however, is widely violated.

When it became [apperant][apparent] that my luggage had not made the flight[,][Insert comma] I filled out the lost luggage forms at the airport and was assured my luggage would arrive by the next morning.
Fix both errors here: Correct your spelling for apparent and insert a comma to separate the introductory clause from the main clause.

Spelling
[cloths] [clothes] Correct spelling
[suggeted ] [suggested] Correct your spelling

[no where] [nowhere is one word.]
[In the context of this sentence,
"...Sabateen walked in to the airport and asked me what was going on."
into is one word.]

[rumers] [rumors] Correct your spelling
[travelld] [travelled] Correct your spelling
[llevel] [level]Correct your spelling

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Dialogue beats the monotony of a straight narrative.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
This exercise is riddled with misspellings and other necessary elements in composition. I suggest you go back and proofread this, paying close attention to the spelling of common English vocabulary and make corrections. Your goal is to make your writing clear, readable, and understandable to your reader.

Keep writing as well as reading. They are two peas in a pod. And revise. Proofread with a fine toothcomb before clicking Send. Good luck. Keep at it. Never give up. Writers never give up. They keep on plugging along.


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11
11
Review of Simple Pleasures  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Ruthie4u:

WdC SuperPower Member to Member Review Raid sig

Because it's Superpower September Review Raid time, I took the freedom to pick your story for review to offer you my input. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
It has satisfied the structure and elements of a short story with a beginning, middle, and end.

*Content
Great moving story aided by your conversational style of writing and dialogue.

As far as *Mechanic,*Syntax,*Punctuation go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity, conciseness, and readability:

My [Daddy] [My daddy] Mom and Dad
[My understanding from all the writing workshops and classes I attended is that the first letter in mom and dad should not be in upper case when it's introduced by a pronoun. The only time Mom or Dad is in upper case is when one is addressing one's mom and dad, such as: "Hey, Mom (or Dad), are you coming tonight?" or, "Mother, may I?"]

" Did you have a good day today sweetie?" He asked me. [Attribution is part of the sentence. Do not capitalize "he" in "He asked me."

[after thought] is a compound word/use hyphen [after-thought]

*Dialogue
That little touch of dialogue you inserted in the narrative made all the difference in telling your story. It showed your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author putting life and action to move the story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Indeed, life is short and time is fleeting. Our tomorrows are not guaranteed. And the memories we build during our short journey end at the grave as well. But, we can make our memories live by recording them as a legacy for generations behind us.


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12
12
Review of The Caring Soul  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Naomi:
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Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
It has the elements of what a short story is about. The beginning, middle, and end have been sufficiently accomplished.

*Content
I can appreciate the compassionate soul this widowed grandma possesses and demonstrated at the hospital. The good Lord will reward her for her kindred spirit in addition to the reward she received from the family after the patient recovered from the onslaught of the pandemic. May the Lord add more blessings to her in the days and years ahead.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,*Point of View (POV)
you need to work on these areas for clarity and conciseness.

*Element of Conflict
I like the element of conflict you injected into the story with this Grandma's insistence on giving her bed to another patient who she perceived to need it more than she did.

*Climax
What a beautiful demonstration of gratefulness the wife and children of the patient showed to their benefactor after the patient recovered and was well enough to go back to work.

Spelling
Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need your second look for correction:

[panic buying][panic-buying]For clarity, verify whether this word qualifies as a compound word and must be hyphenated.

[brough ][brought] Correct your spelling

"There is no room, not even a bed available for you. How can you be given a proper treatment. Please fight for your life, please do not die,[our children are still young and we need you.]"
This last statement in the sentence does not seem to fit as spoken by whoever said it. Was it the nurse or whoever was attending to the patients in the room? Who said what to whom? Be specific.

"...There is money [i] the petty cash box..."[in]

In addition, be consistent with tense usage. Past/present/future.

*Dialogue
Do research and study how to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. Pay close attention to punctuation marks used in dialogue.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away This story can be expanded and improved as it has a great potential to shine and be published. My recommendation for you is to do a last-ditch effort at proofreading before clicking Send.

Keep writing and reading on the side to gain insight into how published authors make their stories sparkle, sizzle, and hum. Moreover, consider revising areas that need polishing. Revising is the key that unlocks the magic of storytelling.


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13
13
Review of Spilled Milk  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Sara:
shared for reviews
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It's Superpower Reviewers Group March Raid and I pick your piece of work to read, review and offer you input.
.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Well formatted in its genre.

*Content An entertaining and delightful short story. I like the dialogue you employed showing what's going on.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, Spelling, and the nitty-gritty of English composition go, here's one snippet I cut and pasted that need may tweaking for clarity, readability goes:

thrumming [I cannot find this word in the dictionary. Did you mean, throbbing?]

*Dialogue
You're a master at employing dialogue. Your punctuations are flawless. Great exchange showing your characters interacting with each other. Your use of dialogue made your story sparkle, sizzle, and hum.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Overall takeaway It's a delightful and entertaining exchange that hooks the reader till the end.

Write away, Sara. You have a knack for wordsmithing. Keep at it to your advantage.

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14
14
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, Archer:
shared for reviews
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It's Superpower Reviewers Group March Raid and I pick your biographical account of JFK's Assasin to read, review, and offer you my input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting The account is good in its format.

*Content This is a sketchy account but it's a good summary. Details of specific dysfunction during his early childhood into his adult life would add spice and drama to keep your reader hooked.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, Spelling, and the nitty-gritty of English composition go here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking, polishing, and revising for clarity, readability, and chronology of events:

[court martialed ][court-martialed is a compound word. Insert a dash]

[mail order] [mail-order is a compound word. Insert a dash.]

[On the 24 November,][On 24 November,]

a junior officer ran forward with a gun and shot, killing Lee. [Consider revising:"...a junior officer ran forward with a gun and shot Lee, killing him."]

My recommendation on the last two paragraphs: Put the second to the last paragraph as the conclusion instead for chronological order effect.

*Point of View (POV) Third person POV used by the narrator is fine.


*Element of Conflict Hatred towards the arrogance of JFK as the element of conflict portrayed by Lee Harvey Oswald is at best, weak, and does not display an obsession to kill JFK. Was he interviewed and claimed this to be his only reason to kill? Remember this is a biographical account. It has to be validated.

*Climax Lee Harvey Oswald succeeded in killing JFK but his personal knowledge and or exposure to JFK was not displayed in this biographical account to give him the impetus to end JFK's life.

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to break the monotony of presenting a boring narrative. Dialogue put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and makes him interact with the characters.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Overall takeaway This is a very good exercise in presenting a biographical account. Keep up the good work. And always consider revising, and filling in what is missing to make your account sparkle, informative, and delightful to read.


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15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, the-dude462:
Shared SuperPower Image
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It's Superpower Reviewer's March Raid and I pick on your story to read and review.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Format is fine for this genre.

*Content It's a delighful story that catches attention.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling, and the nitty-gritty of composition go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking and fixing for clarity, readability and in observance of conventional English practices calls for:

[pink haired][pink-haired is a compound word]

[taste tester] [taste-tester is a compound word]

[...and subtext saying "volunteers optional"][Always be mindful to put your dot at the end of the sentence.]

["that's] interesting, when do I go?" [Always begin the first letter of your sentence in capital letters.]

I see a number of your sentences begin with small letters. Try to break this habit.

Betty cried out "what are you [doing,"] [Replace the comma with a period to end the sentence.]

oh wait this is my [to do] [list,"] There are two issues in this sentence: 1) [to-do is a compound word. Insert a dash]
2) Replace the comma with a period to complete the sentence.]

[force fed] [force-fed is a compound word]

*Point of View (POV)
What was Akumu's role in the story? Was she the same character as Muffet? This character needs a little detailed introduction. As it is the story ended without bringing this character back into the story.

*Element of Conflict
Betty did not create a big argument or a fight over the food she has to consume. She was enjoying the feast she was offered. And although she was getting bigger and couldn't contain herself, she was a glutton and deservedly so. LOL.

*Climax
She did deserve what she ended up with because of her gluttony.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Your use of dialogue made your story move along keeping your reader on the hook. This is a page-turner as it adds sparkle to the end of the page. Good job.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away I'm enjoying your story from beginning to end. My suggestion is for you to watch your mechanics in grammar and composition. That is if you're serious about seeing your manuscript land at an editor's or publisher's desk.

Write away! You have the potential to shine with your creativity. Do study the mechanics of writing to polish it and make it sizzle, sparkle, and hum.
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16
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Review of Mother Knows  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, jag wire:

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Just dropping by Read and Review to see what can make me busy on a quiet Sunday night. I decided to park and spend time reading and reviewing this work you submitted.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Well formatted for this genre.

*Content This story has the potential to shine given the necessary proofreading and editing. Perhaps the only missing info I would like to add here is to show how old John is in comparison to his declaration that he is not a six-year-old anymore.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation,Spelling, and the nitty-gritty of composition go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity, conciseness, and readability:

exploreplay [Is this a newly created word or a typo?]
[Correct spelling: explore play]

There are all kinds of dangerous animals and [snakes. we] know nothing about. [Delete period in the middle of the sentence to make a complete sentence instead of two fragments.]

Hee quickly looped his fingers...[Watch out for typos.]

He Uuncoveringed the rest of the frame,[I'm not sure what this word means. Is it a typo? Is it uncovered?]

He continued [thehis] search for treasure.[Watch out for typos]

grazedappeared [Watch out for typos]

who let loose [suchthe] a howl. [Proofread before submitting to avoid annoying typos.]

attempted to [clambered] up [Correct your tense: attempted to clamber up...]

It [raisinged] its gaze to meet his.
It [raised] its gaze to meet his.

[withIt] [with it]

[Tthe] monster [The monster...]

From up around the bend,[Insert: the] [crunching] of leaves alerted [himJohn] something big was moving his way.

John swore it grinned at him, [withIt] was nothing but blood-soaked fur and fangs [gnashing.. ][Remove the extra period. If your intention is to show an ellipsis, let me share with you the functions of an ellipsis.

Uses of Ellipsis according to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference:
Ellipses, also known as ellipsis points and suspension points, are punctuational devices composed of a trio of spaced periods. (Always make sure that all three periods fit on a single line of text.) Ellipses have two important functions.

First, they are used in dialogue to indicate that a speaker has not brought an utterance to completion or to indicate that there are awkward pauses in the utterance.

The second use of the ellipses is to indicate that one or more words have been omitted from a direct quotation because the quoter considers them irrelevant to his or her purpose.

If you delete one or more words from the beginning of a quotation, you do not need to use ellipses – unless the document you are writing is unusually formal, in which case the blank space will separate the opening quotation mark from the first ellipsis period, but one blank space will follow the final ellipsis period.

If you delete one or more words from the end of a quotation positioned at the end of the hosting sentence, however, you need to use both a period and ellipses if the quoted matter has the status of a grammatically complete sentence. No blank space will precede the period.
If you are deleting one or more words from the end of a quotation that has the status of a grammatically complete sentence and that ends with a question mark or an exclamation point, position the terminal punctuation mark after the ellipses.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue provides action to your story and puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author which involves him/her in the interaction. It's what makes your story sparkle and sizzle and hum. Good job, jag wire.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Overall takeaway My strong recommendation for you is to take the time to do proofreading and editing before submitting your work. Think about your reader first and foremost. Ask the question: Will the reader be delighted to read this story or will he/she be annoyed with the numerous typos and grammar violations that are interrupting his reading enjoyment?

Good exercise, jag wire. Keep writing. And spend time proofreading, editing, and revising. You'll soon get to where you want to be before you know it.

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17
17
Review of Chapter 3  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Goblin Slayer:

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Just passing through Read and Review and decided to stop and read Chapter 3 albeit, I am not familiar with either Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Well done and well organized for this genre.

*Content What an adventure. I bet, there will be more actions and surprises along the way. This is a page-turner.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation, and the nitty-gritty of composition go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability according to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference:

'Wow, the last time I held him this tight was when we were... stop it! I can't think this way anymore. And why do I need to memorize a magic missile spell, what was up?' [She thought.]

Attribution
When a thought is italicized, there is no need to insert attribution, such as, “I thought,” “she thought,” or “he thought.”

"What are you sensing Arman? I think I know you pretty well and you wouldn't be so vigilant right now if you haven't sensed [something." Sandrial said.]

[Attribution is part of the sentence. Replace the period with a comma to complete the sentence.]

Note: I see quite a few of these violations in this manuscript. You might need to spend extra time polishing your punctuation marks. Aside from these, you're well-equipped in your wordsmithing endeavor.

*Dialogue
Good employment of dialogue showing your characters constantly interacting with each other. Dialogue brings life and action to a story. It beats a boring narrative. It puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author and the reader is hooked completely from beginning to end. Well done, Goblin Slayer.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Good work. You're a creative storyteller. Keep it up. You're closer to being a published author than you might think.


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18
18
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, brom21:

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I'm just passing through and decided to stop in to read this inviting title that aroused my curiosity.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Well organized and formatted in its genre.

*Content This story seems far out yet almost realistic and relatable. Your creative talent is impressive. I was hooked as the events unfolded.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax, *Punctuation and Spelling go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need your second look for tweaking as to clarity and readability:

It’s 5 pm
5:30 pm
7:30 am
Presentation of numbers/Times of day according to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference:
When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.


After the rest signed in, [a quant, man in glasses] and a doctor’s coat came out of a door [form] [from - typo?] the left wall.
Suggestion for tweaking: "a quant, a man in glasses"

twenty [mils] from here. [miles?]

“We’ve never [me] before.” [Because this is a quotation, I am wondering if omitting t in me is intentional or merely a typo? I am going to let it go if it is part of the speaker's accent.]

*Point of View (POV) A third-person Point of View by the narrator bodes well for this hotel mystery which was known to be occupied by ghosts.

*Element of Conflict The role and appearance of Dr. Bronus provided the element of conflict in this story.

*Climax What a relief to know the good guys won in the end.

*Dialogue
Great employment of dialogue showing your characters interacting with each other. Dialogue makes the characters alive and moves the story. It puts the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author making him/her participate in the action.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Intriguing creative mystery story. Almost realistic and relatable because we are superstitious as humans. We are drawn to stories, tales, and anecdotes that are beyond our human comprehension. Unarguably, in the back of our minds, we believe unseen spirits exist and live among us.

Keep writing, brom21.


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, Jim, you got me confused. In the first scene, Vince was in a coma and Judy was concerned about whether Vince would survive or not. Towards the end of that scenario, there was a possibility that Vince would recover, right? But Judy sort of lost her hope that Vince would recover which resulted in her losing consciousness.

Then the next scene shows Vince asking the doctor if Judy would be fine. Now, it's Judy who is in a coma, right? In fact, he was relating to the doctor about how Judy got hurt from the accident during their drive. It looks like at some point Vince did recover to see Judy going through what he went through.

But Vince was not all there yet. He must still be weak and or groggy to attribute Judy's comatose to the accident and not to his own ordeal to survive. What a strange twist you created!

Did I get it right?


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20
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Joy:

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Just swinging by Read and Review and this essay caught my wandering eye. So, I'll stop in and give this a read and a review. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I admire the great perspective and point of view you're sharing here to inspire your reader.

As far as *Mechanics,*Syntax,*Punctuation and the nitty-gritty of composition go, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

[you [should have your goals clear in your mind. [Typo? The first letter of the first word of a sentence is always capitalized.]

you [to need] prepare yourself, [Fix: you need to prepare yourself,]

and a longing to [be be ] or [have] done better. Fix: [and a longing to be or has done better,]

*Dialogue
Dialogue may be helpful but not necessary in this exercise. So I'll skip making a comment on this feature.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away I like the way you express your perspective and point of view regarding the importance of hard work if one has to attain success. A lot of times, and I must say I'm guilty as well when there are times my laziness or apathy or comfort zone takes over my resourcefulness and determination to allow laziness to take control. So there lies my failure. Thank you for waking us up and making us go for the prize.

Write away, Joy. You have the ability to put words into paper and I commend you for your spirit.


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21
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Naomi:

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Just passing through Read and Review and saw this piece that caught my attention.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting I recommend following the standard formatting when writing essays, such as having a beginning, middle, and end.

*Content There is a potential for this essay to sparkle in its poignancy relatable to the reader. My recommendation: Organize the body of your essay with a clear beginning, middle, and end.

The beginning should clearly state what the issue is that confronted you and prompted you to offer your piece of mind. Then, in the middle, share your comments and recommendations showing your positive approach to health and life. The conclusion will then wrap up the overall purpose of the message you have presented.

Spelling When in doubt, consult the dictionary for spellings. Look over your write-up before clicking SEND. Do not rely on auto-spellcheck. A lot of times it changes your spelling and takes your content on a tangent.

deminish [replace with correct spelling: diminish]

*Dialogue
I'll skip this feature with this exercise as it may not be necessary to use in an essay.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the formatting and organization of an essay. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Keep writing. You have the zeal and enthusiasm to put words into the printed page. Your constant practice exercise revolving around reading, writing, and revising will pay off in the end.


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22
Review of Next Radar  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Next Radar:

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Just stopping by looking for something to read and review on a quiet Friday night.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

Formatting
For clarity and readability, observe proper formatting. Readers read for enjoyment and entertainment. With that being said, reading one blurb is onerous and taxing to your reader. Paragraphing and spacing are essential elements in writing (whether formal or informal) to be understood and to be taken seriously. This is especially true if your goal is to be published one day.

Bear in mind that each new idea should be in one paragraph. Transitioning from one idea to the next should be in a separate paragraph, as well.
*Make short paragraphs with one idea per paragraph
*No extra space between paragraphs
*Only one space between sentences
*If you choose to add a line between paragraphs to indicate a change in location or passage of time, center a typographical dingbat (like ***) on the line. (Some published writers suggest double spacing between paragraphs.)

*Content
There is potential to make this narrative sparkle to hook a reader if it is formatted as explained above.

You have a good command of the written language which is commendable.
I will not delve into the nitty-gritty in writing such as:
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Point of View (POV)
*Element of Conflict
*Climax
Spelling
and will merely focus on Formatting inasmuch as that is basically what is missing in this exercise.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you improve the presentation of your manuscript relating to the Format in writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away I can see the technicality of the content of this manuscript which may be intriguing to those who are technology savvy. But in order to hook your reader and keep their interest till the end, formatting must follow the norm. Try revising this and observing the rules in organizing the write-up that is easy to follow. Readability is essential to readers.

Keep writing, reading, and revising. Follow the pattern in formatting from what you're reading. You'll be glad you did.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Angel:

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Just passing through on a cold and rainy night to find something to do and I stopped in to take a read and give you some input.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting Well developed in its format.

*Content
Nice perspective and introspection on oneself transforming from childhood to becoming a woman.

As far as *Mechanics, *Syntax and the nitty-gritty of composition is concerned, here are some snippets I cut and pasted that may need tweaking for clarity and readability:

[in ]one sunny day [on][Replace preposition]

I got lost [ few] times, [I got lost [a]few times][Insert article a.]

[But but] scared heart whispered, [Is duplicating the word "but" intentional? If not, I deleted it]

*Dialogue
Try to employ dialogue to show your characters interacting with each other. Dialogues put the reader in the head of the narrator, character, or author. You might create a conversation between the little girl and the grown woman such as arguing or agreeing with each other to put action into your story.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away Nice write-up. I like the way you discovered yourself along your journey and found the answer to who cradled who: was it the little girl or the grown woman? Very intriguing perspective and point of view.

Write away, Angel. You have the talent to organize your profound thoughts and put them into a page.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Marvelous Friend:

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Just passing through and was intrigued by this narrative you presented.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My observations and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

Formatting
*Content
I like your conversational style of writing.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
You have a good command of the written word. Your punctuations are almost flawless. I can see you're doing your homework before posting. Polishing your work before clicking SEND really makes a difference in the output. Your audience will appreciate your attention to readability and clarity.

*Point of View (POV)
Your use of the first-person Point of View bodes well for this narrative.

Here are some snippets I cut and pasted that need tweaking for observing the nitty-gritty in the art of presenting numbers:
13 years old [thirteen-years-old]
3 times in a row [three times in a row]
5 years [five years]

Presentation of numbers:
Just thought of sharing what the authors of Writers Digest Grammar Desk Reference have to say about the presentation of numbers.

Easy-to-use methods for the presentation of numbers:

1) When numbers are used infrequently: if a number can be spelled out in two words or fewer, spell it out. All whole numbers between zero and one hundred will therefore be presented as words.

2) When numbers are used frequently such as in useful business-related, technical, and scientific documents: numerals are more reader-friendly than spelled-out numbers, so the only numbers that are presented in words should be the whole numbers zero through nine; numerals should be used for all other whole numbers.

3) Ages (of persons) Except in journalistic, business, and technical contexts, spell out ages: forty-eight years old, a twenty-three-year-old, and aged ninety-seven.

4) Times of day. When you are not spelling out the times (seven-thirty; a quarter before eleven this morning; half past nine; nine o’clock; shortly after five), use numerals followed by A.M. and P.M. (12:10 A.M.; 4 P.M.; from 11:00 A.M. to 7:45 P.M.); never write three o’clock A.M. or three A.M. Use the words noon and midnight instead of numerals.

*Dialogue
Your conversational style of writing makes this narrative engaging as you're addressing your audience directly on a one-on-one basis.

*Disclaimer
I hope my observations and suggestions can help you tighten some loose ends relating to the mechanics of writing. Keep in mind, though, that these are from one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. The decision to adopt or discard suggestions is your prerogative.

*Over-all take away
Thanks for sharing this personal experience which is poignant and relatable with everyone. I for one hate myself for using a not-too-pleasant word when I am disappointed with myself or with others around me. I have prayed and tried to drop this ugly epithet from my vocabulary but it seems to stick around like tar or glue. Thanks for this reminder.

Finally, write away. You have the talent for writing. Glad to know you're using it for the glory of our Lord and Redeemer.


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25
25
Review of Sunset Mountain  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Amay:

I was intrigued by how your story started and I was hooked. As I was following the story from what the letter revealed, I was hoping and praying, she would be pleased with his reasons for his silence. Unfortunately, I was disappointed.

Oh, what a sad ending. I was hoping she would reconsider and give her husband the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to redeem himself. After all, she's carrying the gift of life inside her, belonging to both of them.

Keep writing. You have the talent for wordsmithing.


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