Hi PureSciFi, it looks like you are starting out on your writing career with great ambition. You have a great imagination that will be tested by the genre of Sci-Fi extremely well I feel. It's a place of limitless creation after all!
So, to your story and first off, an apology. I'm afraid I bailed on the story at the first double hashmarks. Why? Well, for me, a story needs to be instantly understandable and capture my interest. It has to hook me. (and most people) This did neither I'm afraid. It is VITAL the first paragraph hooks the reader in. This is so important. Work on it harder than any other text. It has to suggest without saying what is to be in the story. Instead, you start off with confusion.
Taffane leans back against the desk of the Leader of Cargo, Honciran, by her palms. (Pardon? Confusion. What are you saying in this sentence? I don't yet know who- or what -this is. You need to set the scene first). They are looking at a large Image Monitor in front of them, which shows an explosion of a substantial oblong container after it hits the floor from the top of a four-story container unit. (exposition - show rather than tell. This could be a good way to open the story. Drama).
Before and after this explosion, individuals working in Cargo Bay started panicking and running around, trying to avoid it. (I imagine they would, why does this need to be explained?) Eight of these workers were hurt by this explosion. (How do you know? You haven't shown me) How are these workers?" Taffane casks. (Typo - asks not casks. To find a typo in the very opening paragraph shows poor attention to detail. If you can't be bothered to check your text, why should anyone be bothered to read it? How are these workers? (How are these workers what?)
"Is that all you have to say?" Honciran asks.
"It sounds like you are blaming me for what happened here. Are you blaming me?" Taffane asks.
Honciran looks at Taffane. "You are the Cargo Controller for the Cargo Bays, aren't you?"
(circular dialogue, with a lot of 'asks' going on and no real reaction to what I imagine is a devastating accident).
Don't get me wrong, this story could be great, but you must give it that excitement. Write from a first person PoV perhaps. bring the story to life vicariously through your main characters viewpoint. Don't tell me what's happening but show me. Describe the atmosphere and danger. Let me feel it.
I'm sorry for such a downer review and you will probably be upset and angry with me, and that is fine, as long as you take that anger out on improving your writing. Writing is tough, really tough.
Hi, this is a really good take on the prompt. First off, I have to say this is not my genre at all. Having said that, I found your descriptions charming and in keeping with the story which turned out as a lovely and enjoyable little tale. You managed to create a whole world with a great economy of words which is a great talent to have! Very nicely done, I enjoyed it. I do hope children don't go talking to wolves though...
Greetings, oh Phantom, I hope this finds you fine and well in the strange netherworld you exist. I find myself recovering from the chill your story invoked within my heart. A sad and lonely inadequate man, harmless (more or less) and in need of love and affection, finds what he has always searched for and is then consumed. Metaphorically and in actuality! Poor chap... but what a way to go!
Obviously, as you might surmise, I enjoyed the story. You set up the action and kept the reader (me) guessing to the final denouement. Nicely unexpected, I like that. The erotic elements were also nicely underplayed and effective, a difficult task you made look easy. No complaints from me. Interweaving these elements with the furtiveness of the voyeur aware of his indiscretion and politically incorrect attitude was a nice wink at the current social mores and attitudes. The modern single male lives in a minefield of apprehension I imagine. The MC however does not come across to me as entirely believable. More teenager than adult. Where is his anger? Too submissive and sulky I feel. I think you could flesh him out more with a hint of danger within him towards the (supposedly vulnerable) female character which then would lead to a nice switch. (I hate the word twist)
The opening was fine, it hooked me in fairly well, but the tell and exposition was a little heavy right of the bat like that. Personally, I prefer to be teased and 'shown' and work things out myself as the story progresses. For instance, perhaps the woman could come into the bank and be the 'show' at the start to introduce the MC through an interaction? But it's fine as it is, this is just my take on things.
The stories pace was a little slow with all the self absorption going on until the final quarter and ending where things heated up (so to speak!) So for me, any improvement at all, would be made to the first half. The dialogue between them on introduction was also unreal I'm afraid. I know you are compressing the story but it felt too rushed. She came across far too forward and confident and he too submissive and immature. I think he would run a mile! Here, an earlier introduction of the femme fatale to the MC would help.
Overall though, an enjoyable and creative original story, a really tough thing to do, so my compliments!
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