To be honest, I lost interest about 5 paragraphs in. The text spends a lot of time talking about things that don't matter (or don't seem like they matter), such as the stage setting with Terry's mother. It may feel important to establish a character by explaining their backstory and how they came to be who they are, but if who they are is boring, then elaborating on that is likely to also be boring. Just saying that Terry is boring and moving on would probably suffice. And if it is important to know the backstory with his mother, then it would behoove you to make the reader understand why it's important before you make them read it.
It feels like there are too many commas. Especially for asides, like: ', or so he thought he knew,'. Leaving that out does little to change the interpretation, but does a lot to improve the flow and encourage reader investment. Commas just make the reader stop reading in order to process them, which is rarely a worthwhile cost to being more specific.
Lastly, there are a couple typos: 'Turns out, he later recalled'; 'All in? gods'. I'm not even sure what the second one is trying to say.
I know this feedback isn't positive, but it is constructive. I hope that is useful. And of course, it is my opinion. Not everyone may agree.
There are some interesting ideas here. It definitely lacks polish, including possessing several obvious typos, but that is fine for a first draft. I would specifically note the overuse of the word 'though', and the phrase 'human race luring', which I'm not entirely sure what you mean by. I know what you are probably trying to say, but that's not what the text on the page says. The timeline is not very clear. I think it would help to assign specific years to important events rather than just saying 'y happened so many years after x'. It's a lot clearer if you say, for example, 'x happened in 2150 and then y happened in 2165'. Trying to only give dates for events in reference to other events also leads to some unnecessarily long and convoluted descriptions. I would expand on the events surrounding Humanity joining the Galactic Union and talk less about the early colonization of the solar system. The latter does not, as far as I can see, really matter insofar as it affects the main story, while I'm getting the sense that the actual story is heavily founded on humanity's membership in this union and on the actions of the union as a collective, yet your description of the union and humanity's role in it is highly rushed and condensed, and almost feels like an afterthought. With that being said, I think this is a solid foundation that nonetheless leaves me feeling intrigued by where the narrative might go from here.
Ok for a first attempt, but honestly pretty rough around the edges. The rhyming is nice, but it would benefit from more consistency in the number of syllables per line, which breaks up the flow. They don’t have to all be the same, but a repeating pattern, for example, would help a lot. There is also too much of what I would refer to as "normal talk", language that would be fine to use in speech if you are talking with someone, but doesn’t really feel appropriate in verse.
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