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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
Review by Gohst Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello!

Firstly, I enjoyed your story quite a lot. My one problem was that, if I sit down to read a story, my imagination is blank and I wait for the story to paint a picture. For me your story jumped from one place to the next before it had the opportunity to paint the picture properly. One moment you're at the theme park, the next back home, then the party and instantly at the closed convenience store, while we don't really know how any of these places look or feel or smell. Describe everything more, live in it, show us the cold night wind, or the music at the party, or the faded colours of the theme park. For example, when they drive to the park we don't know whether they are driving a car or a bike until you say "We'll leave our bikes here,". Also, remember that you are writing first person from the perspective of a 16 year old, so its basically the 16 year old talking to the reader, so you should pay attention to your word choice, eg. "...backpack wouldn't be adequate enough..." Though adequate isn't a "big word" it definitely isn't the kind of language a 16 year old would use in everyday talk. The trick is to find a kind of language that passes as 16 year old dialect, but which is also descriptive and paints a picture.
Besides that though, the moment they entered "the un house' I was completely engrossed in it, and couldn't stop reading. It's a really good idea and a very good story, I just think you should paint it a bit more, by adding more descriptions. Tell us how it smells, how it looks etc.
:)
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