There are some good moments within this piece, and the voice of the protagonist is strong. There issues are in the tense, it switches a lot, from past tense to present and the switches are choppy.
There are also a lot of extra words, they really jumble the story, you could omit a lot of 'and, of, the' and it would pick up the pace.
I did like that you were subtle about the wheelchair, that was well done.
The problem really lies not in your overall concept but in the rough edges, it does need editing both on grammar but more on word transitions. Read it aloud and make sure that its consistent and omit all the extra words and redundant information.
Small fixes that could use smoothing out;
"Not even the moon shone tonight through my curtains like it usually did."
rewrite it to make the sentence less clunky, try 'Most nights the blue light of the moon crept behind the curtains, but that dark evening the there was no moon to be found.' I am not saying us my line directly its just a example as to make it smoother.
This next line is an example of where you could cut down on words:Luckily for me, the bus stop was near the front of my house so there wasn't much of a way to go until I reached it to wait for the bus.- You can cut everything out from the word 'so there...' because everything afterwards is redundant information.
As for the piece its not bad though its so incomplete I hardly feel correct reviewing it. Post more its a intro and I would read on. It was a bit thin on some parts calling the police was over in a heartbeat, and they arrived with out any description, there was noting odd or intriguing about it. Why not? Are you going somewhere with this or did you just want to post a little bit? It needs more.
Keep writing.
There just is not a strong sense of immersion here, you try to use some descriptors and it works well for those parts but others are dramatically low. For example the lava was detailed enough, but you just threw together the details of the quest, village, crystal skull, were all paper thin. There was no feeling of gratification when he obtained the skull, because he was thin as well the reader knows next to nothing about him. He is a male adventurer but not many more details were given. In short there was no reason to care about him or his endeavor, if he had a story a motive beside just wanting treasure, we might care about him more.
I felt like you were writing as a obligation not because you felt the need to tell the story.
This was a refreshing read, stylistically a strong piece. In comparison to many of the pieces I have read on this site its perhaps the best I have read in a great while. You captured the tone of the city and the feeling of the season, I like the autumn undertone and the sense of place.
The tavern was also well done, good character interaction a believable protagonist young, strong yet not at the top of his game yet. That added a sense of vulnerability that he isn't perfect and may mess up a few times. The tavern girl really the only other character interaction he had directly and she came out well enough, though a few small nuances could add to her. Perhaps she brushes he hand on his shoulder, he struggles to interpret the gesture, as young men tend to.
The Coliseum was true to course defined yet not slowing the pace, at this point I don't know how Eratel is going to be involved in this battle, but its interesting enough that I want to keep reading.
One thing I must point out to you is you overuse his name, and it became a bit distracting. The majority of the story was only him, and as a reader i know its his perspective so the constant reminder of his name was unneeded. Just use him, or he instead.
I do not claim to have much skill when it comes to grammar but there were a couple of things I found and listed them below;
Stopping at one of the last building at the edge of town- should be buildings
Alright men! Without any farther wait- should be further.
Overall a great piece, I enjoyed reading. If you are open to it I feel our writing styles are similar and perhaps we would both benefit from going over one anthers work or bouncing ideas off each other. If you are interested please message me, I feel like minds would help both of us going forward.
This was well done, there were a few places where 'and' could have been omitted but it really flowed well. The voice was strong and clear and I had a good sense of the protagonists' personalty it was fitting for the story. Normally i have a lot to pick apart, but to your credit it really did not need much, its a interesting start and I would keep reading.
I like the representation of the Military man, and Mathews' view towards him. The world felt fleshed out, I have the feeling you know a lot about it and could fill in details. That in itself is great, as often times fantasy gets overwhelming and is easy to stumble if the details are not clear at least in the authors head.
Good job
Keep writing.
This flowed well, though I wonder if its part of a larger piece. If it is then some of my issues may be dealt with in prior works. The main issue I had is that there are many different characters but they do not differ or stand apart in any way. I was uncertain who was speaking at some times throughout. I also did not get a strong sense of place. There would need to be more vivid descriptions of the surroundings to really be an immersive story. The king came across well enough but nobody else, and even he could use more. Tell the reader additional bits about him as he speaks, he rubs a golden amulet, he adjusts his crown atop his thick graying hair, strokes his thin braided beard, whatever you want but more than the initial description which is often forgotten. Go back and throw the reader small but scene setting details.
Keep writing.
Grail
This is hard to place, though I like the general ambiance it sets. I usually review and write stories so if its poem or sonnet I am out of my element and you should perhaps discount my advice. Can you add a bit more too it? instead of telling us music play can you get us to feel the music 'the ominous hum of the organ emanates from somewhere deep within.' Or something of that nature. also regarding guests, perhaps it should be former guests, otherwise they are occupants or a denizen.
Keep writing
Okay, there are some issues, first is perspective. We as readers need a set of eyes to see though, is it Dr Pierce, or his Interpreter? It boils down to we can only hear the thoughts of one of them, everything else is speculation by them. So in the beginning we cant know the interpreters thoughts on the Apple grove and his love of it, unless the Dr is thinking about how well he knows the man and understands his desire to own it.
So read it over and figure out who is telling the story and keep the perspective from their eyes and thoughts.
Lets back up, a bit to the beginning a weather report is okay but expect-able can you instead give us the protagonist's thoughts and what they are feeling. Example: 'Dr Pierce wiped a thick layer of sweat from his brow and exhaled deeply into the fetid air of his jungle hut.' So you have his perspective and the reader knows it hot and sweaty wherever he is.
Do you see? its your story put the reader into it, in writing an old saying it show don't tell. Let us figure out that its hot, just giving a weather report is weak writing.
Onto the creature, I like the lore, you put some thought into your backstory and that's a good touch. You then sped up to a rough fight, it was not gratifying or developed enough to be engrossing.
The end well in concept it could have work the execution needs a rewrite, you let off with half a quote from whom we dont know and it leaves the reader hanging. Not a good cliffhanger way but a I did not complete this kinda way.
Keep writing
Grail
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/grailswar
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 3:23am on Dec 25, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "