I really enjoyed reading this poem because I absolutely relate to what you are saying. My thought for you would be to try to change some of the words for a better flow...I would go for smaller words. But that's me, and I just thought I would share this with you. This is an admirable effort, and it certainly holds together through all the stanzas!
This is the best poem I have read in a long time on wdc...it really talks to me about the way you just get to the point where the futility of going through the motions is no longer worth the effort. The way that it flows adds to its impact. I really love this!
This is such a poignant piece, and I think it is very universal. How can we help but feel we have no voice when the tragedies around us are so much more enormous than what our minds and hearts can hold...Sometimes I wish I could find that it has all been a dream, too. I do believe that one person is one bright light, and even though it sounds corny we do make it much brighter when we stand together, even if it is in silent sorrow. A beautiful effort!!!
I really like this poem! It is flirty, sexy, macabre and ripe with images! I kept thinking of Avril Lavigne when she's all punked up as I read this. I also like the image of this girl as being bored with life, uncaring - yet with a sharp edge that says she's also ready to party.
I really don't have criticism for you. It is fun to read and provocative. Her high heels clicking "on the stone of my grave" - I love it! Good job!
Dear Tazzi,
I had a strong reaction to this poem. The reason is because I could identify with Bobby Fred and his torment, but I also had a time in my life when, briefly accepted as popular, I was a tormentor.
The speaker narrates in the voice of a kid, and you do that well. You capture the way that kids can be merciless to someone who's different or strange.
In terms of Bobby's character, I could feel his helplessness and his inability to change anything in his life. It might as well be that those other kids just pushed him right off the bridge physically. That's how much the alienation of his character comes through.
I found the ending of the poem packed a hard punch. My stomach felt like it was dropping when I read, "So/He/Did". That was a very, very effective way to dramatize what happened without being overly effusive or descriptive.
My only criticism is the misspellings and punctuation mistakes. If you go through the poem, you will find them-not a lot of them so fixing this will make a great poem better.
Benjamin S,
I like this poem very much...the last line is a great image! One thing I noticed...it's should be its. I also relate to what you're saying!
Diamond,
I completely relate to your deep and passionate feelings for chocolate. Your poem was easy to read, it flowed (like melted chocolate!) along and your description was interesting.
All in all, a nice descriptive piece about something near and dear to my heart (and taste buds)!
Pigeon,
You were how young when you wrote this? The flow is sort of awkward, but I think the content is hilarious-I remember having to wait for the school nurse so I could have my head checked for nits. I was always terrified that I would have them! You brought back those feelings I had years ago.
Pigeon,
This is a very impressive work for someone to have written as a child! I can see why it won a contest, and I'm glad you posted it here!! Keep it up!
Poetic Disaster,
I could understand the feelings you were conveying...I went through something similar. I'd like to see a longer poem with more detail...it's an interesting story!
akcat,
This is a beautiful, succinct piece of work. I cannot imagine what you are going through,but you have amazing courage to write about such a profound loss.
Thank you for the beautiful poem.
Dear Raymond,
This story evoked a several different emotions in me: pity for the animals, anger at what we do to our environment, fear as I wondered what they would actually do if they could take their revenge. I related quite well to the main character, and I understood the feelings he/she expressed about "we were here before".
This story was unique and very well written.
Natasha,
I had a feeling of dread when the phone rang, and pain inside when I read about all the things your uncle meant to you. When you can get someone else to feel the emotion, even when it's so raw and vulnerable, you have truly understood your craft.
Suze,
I love this poem! "I'd fill their hearts and gift their heads with a yearning fire" the perfect line! I think that you put an awful lot to ponder in just 18 lines. A great, great job!
Fushia,
I thoroughly enjoyed reading these! Most of them are really thought-provoking, some tug at heartstrings, and some tap the funnybone! When I use them, shall I say, "According to Fushia..."
Wow! What an insightful piece to be written by a teen! This poem has wonderful rhythm, and that makes it more enjoyable to read. I love the concept of being "outside reality" and in a place where you are truly happy. I can remember being a teen and longing so much for something else-I just didn't know what. This poem brings that feeling back to me. Great job!
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