Weeellllllll, very nice, really enjoyed this one. i hope when you asked for a quality review you meant thorough as all getout.
I notice quite a few ellipses used when a dash would do. I find ellipses only prudent when representing omitted words.
This intro paragraph did some nice work, but some excessive work, too. I found the story much more engaging on a level of character development speaking for a larger cause (racism). Civil rights movement and Vietnam did not play a part in the story of George and Big B. Violence, sure, but otherwise, nope. I think an intro focused solely on establishing the character's voice would be perfect, because I like the way that happens as it is.
"He gave me a job. He cussed a red, white, and blue streak. And he also gave Big Broken a job…and for that…I am forever thankful."
* middle sentence seems to break the flow
"You would yank down on the crank, real hard, and sear flat a dozen or so sheets at a time. Starch jets would pelt the fabric, and the result was an almost razor-thin board of cotton that would sound like a sack of snakes if you peeled it apart."
* excellent detail, good for the character's voice, too
"Cecil didn’t mind..."
* ummm.... who the devil is Cecil?
"waterfalling sweat into in our food..."
* typo
"We ate in silence, mostly:"
* no need for a colon there i think
"I found out later that his real name was James Mayweather. However, I never called him such."
* since i'm reviewing as i'm going, i don't know if this is important, or just cursory. but, i'll mention it--if the narrator never calls him this, i'd rather not know it. there's already a lot of names floating around, i'd prefer to keep that number down to as few as necessary.
"...at my little shanty, on Griggs St, so exhausted..."
* commas unnecessary, breaks flow of sentence
"...I got the niggling feeling..."
* not sure about american fifties dialect, but i've noticed this word in more common use from the british english users on the site
"I walked tentatively towards the colored section... ...But if he was sitting down, sipping coffee, or whatever…well, I suppose that would fall under the classification of déjà vu in reverse: a pleasant ending for once."
* this scene's suspense was building up so nicely, and then this section caused it to fall a little flat. once i read "i walked" i took it to mean he was there. we'd already gone over the fact that there would be consequences if claude wasn't there, and then his hair stands on end, and then we hear there will be consequences again. "walked" is too perfective if the scene is continuing. then, the listed consequences in the following pargraph seem to be in reverse-- "nothing will happen, or something BIG will happen" is a lot better than "something BIG will happen, or, you know, nothing"
"...my spine sticking hard to the thin rail that ran along it."
* not quite clear to me
"His lower jaw set like the prow of an ocean liner."
* might not be as common in american english, either-- we say 'bow'. that, or i'm an idiot.
"...like the black and white of yin & yang."
* just wondering how appropriate this reference is to this character
"...and for God’s sake don’t believe in Santa Claus, or overtime."
* very very nice
"Nevertheless, the fact of the matter is, sometimes a feeling can come boiling up in a man so strong—so powerful and overbearing—that a thousand ships couldn’t pull him to shore. And that’s how I felt inside: big, angry, and maybe even a little broken."
* i like the last part of the paragraph, but the 'thousand ships' metaphor doesn't quite say 'broken' to me. maybe something a little different?
"...became more like three gnats trying to pull a boxcar to Memphis."
* now that's a simile. well done.
"I wanted to ask Thomas who James was, but I simply didn’t have the time."
* i think the ...James? is enough to convey this.
"...'her belly is about the size of Mount Saint Helen, George, and another—'"
* helen's didn't erupt til the eighties, and i'm not sure how common knowledge its existence in washington state would be to those in alabama before then
"(whom I had now figured out was James)"
* this would do fine. turns out the name is important, but i'd still take it out earlier. the way it's included now, it feels like you're saying hey! remember this name! it'll come back, you just wait! just thom knowing the name is enough for me.
"That there is amniotic fluid;"
* can this get more colloquial and less medical? even if he is a medic, not too many babies born in the army, and his experience with them ought to make it something less authoritative
"“Here we go! Now push, George, push!(")"
* forgot a quotation mark
"His name was Benjamin."
* nice.
Overall, a good read. I think it takes up a bit more space than need be. The dream sequence is nice, good detail, but it could be cut down considerable. The narrator is loose-worded, if that makes sense. While a lot of it is good dialect, some sentences just make the piece longer and don't serve enough of a function. There were a lot of characters named, too, and early on in the story, when we should be getting to know the characters that will appear later. I didn't get to know Peter or Harry well enough in the beginning to warrant their large presence in the important Christmas scene.
Sorry the middle section is messy, I'm doing this at work. Good story, though, you're a natural. |
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