Autumn is a character you are going to have trouble with. The main trouble will be that a reader is going to find it difficult to like her. If the reader turns against the main character of your story all is lost. Autumn will push the reader right out of the story.
You hint that Autumn's home background if difficult. Fair enough. But Autumn must rise above that to be likeable by the reader. Autumn needs a lot of work characterisation-wise. At the moment no one can know her. She is all on the surface. How well do you know her? You had better start interogating her to get the full picture of what she is all about before you write further into the story.
Just a little word about how to present dialogue. As you obviously know each line of dialogue needs a new paragraph. But look at this :
“Lovely night isn’t it?” His voice was so soft and low if I hadn’t known any better; I would have thought he was talking to someone else. I really didn’t want to be rude but I was still quite shaken so I tried to pretend I hadn’t heard him. I held my breath as I walked on, waiting for the telltale sound of footsteps behind me. I still had a couple of blocks left before I got home and I wished I had wings. I was both grateful and worried about the lack of people in the streets.
“Isn’t it a little careless for a young lady to be walking home alone this late?” I would be lying if I said I was a little startled. I hadn’t heard anything at all until he spoke. With the surrounding light, I felt a bit more confident but I didn’t want to look at him.
Now with new paragraphing:
“Lovely night isn’t it?”
His voice was so soft and low if I hadn’t known any better; I would have thought he was talking to someone else. I really didn’t want to be rude but I was still quite shaken so I tried to pretend I hadn’t heard him.
I held my breath as I walked on, waiting for the telltale sound of footsteps behind me. I still had a couple of blocks left before I got home and I wished I had wings. I was both grateful and worried about the lack of people in the streets.
“Isn’t it a little careless for a young lady to be walking home alone this late?”
I would be lying if I said I was a little startled. I hadn’t heard anything at all until he spoke. With the surrounding light, I felt a bit more confident but I didn’t want to look at him.
In the first paragraph we have dialogue. But immediately after we are in the main character's point-of-view again - so new paragraph.
In the second paragraph, again it is necessary to start a new paragraph after the other character's dialogue.
This simple procedure increases the pace slightly and aids the reader's eye. Another factor which slows pace is too much introspection. Paragraphing can break up this introspection too, again easing the reader's which often baulks at reading long blocks of text.
Think about the amount of introspection here, especially at the opening of the chapter. The reader has to wait quite a while before the action (dialogue) starts. Pace is in peril at the start.
I appaud your use of dialogue which gives a very good pace to this story, and which shows that you grasp the importance of dialogue in storytelling. However, I was flummoxed as to where this world of Anthros and Human is. What is the history behind this world? Why are humans pets? I was reminded of Phillip Pullman's works. Is he your imspiration for this story? The world Pullman created is very complex and the reader is given much insight into it. I would have liked to see more information about the world you have created, but I hasten to add, not in expoisiton or explanation. I hope this help in some way. All the best.
This is good - well written - you have the knack. One thing that made me uncomfortable as the reader was that none of the characters have names. To achieve empathy with the reader a character needs to have a name. The character remains a stranger to the reader otherwise. The reader wants to get close up and personal with the characters in a story. Characters start to live for the reader when they have a name. Calling your key character 'the woman' continually distances her from the reader i.e. a barrier is created. Otherwise your style is good. Good work.
You really entertained me with this first scene, I was hooked and read every word with pleasure. It is very well written. There were one or two slips in point-of-view which I noticed. You stay within Stoney's point-of-view (POV) very well until the paragraph - "...The young warrior was on his knight's trial..." This is not in Stoney's POV - in fact it is the author's voice butting in to 'tell' the reader something. Could you re-write this passage from Stoney's POV?
You jump from Stoney's POV (who is the scene's true POV character) to Gurr's POV with the paragraph beginning - "...Gurr thought of his words carefully..." After this speech you enter his POV. There are no rules in writing but there are conventions which I am sure you know - One POV per character per scene. You have an easy very readable style - I like it very much. Watch out for slips in POV - it is easily done - I know. There is a lot of promise here. Well done.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gwenmadoc
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:55pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
