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122 Public Reviews Given
131 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E
Great opening line, LenO. Sucked me right into the story & held me there.

About the only thing I can criticize is the missing word in the third to the last paragraph.

Michael/GWFrog *Cool*
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2
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I realize full well that you initially wrote this story more than five years ago.
It is an excellent story. However, your 63 prior reviewers did you no favors by rating it so highly, probably based upon its emotional impact. As an editor, I am sorry to say that there are so many minor errors that any rating highere than 3 stars is false praise, so I would like to help you bring it around to where it truly deserves the praise that it has already received. To do so, I have pasted your story, below, and have inserted corrections and comments in red. Some of the commas are almost optional--- to the point that a publisher might omit them--- and some of those optional commas, I have also omitted. I have inserted a few clarifying words, corrected one misspelling, and made a few word changes, but it is mostly as you wrote it.


A FRIED PIE AND A DAILY VISIT(You might want to center this and/or use a larger type size...)

It was past midnight. She should be asleep. Instead, she was wandering about the house, trying to find God knows what. It was evident to everyone that she was getting worse.

He heard a noise and knew that she had stumbled into something again. He guided her back to the bed, where she fell asleep once again. Morning would come soon enough, so he lay down on his bed across the room and tried going back to sleep himself. His mind was reeling with the realization that he was not the nurse she needed. So sleep did not come. Previalent in his mind was a promise he had made sixty years ago, and because of that promise, he was using every ebb(ebb is a verb, meaning to flow back or decrease; while his strength might be ebbing, he would be using every bit or every ounce)---insert word here--- of strength to see that he kept it.

During the day, he administered her medications when they were due. He saw that she ate. The extent of his cooking was enough to keep them going, but, being a farmer, that part had always been left up to her. He tried new things, and was proud of his accomplishments. He enjoyed watching her eat what he had prepared.

The home health aides came several mornings a week to give her a bath, and straighten through the house. They went beyond their duty, for the couple were easy to love. On alternate days, the nurse came to make sure she was getting her insulin and to check for sores that weren‘t healing.

It was evident to everyone that he was doing his best, although his children, along with the home health employees, wondered how long he would be able to hold out before asking for help. Help had been offered, but, again, the promise that he had made sixty years earlier kept him trying to do everything himself.

Sarah was a shell of her former self. No doubt she was sick and getting worse each day. The diabetes had ravaged her body, her heart was weakened, and age was taking its toll. On good days, she talked about the future and her desire not to ever leave the house that she had lived in most of their married life. She feared the nursing home. On good days, she talked with her friends on the phone. On good days, she listened to her radio or maybe watched a program on TV with Arthur. But those good days were getting few and far between.

He didn’t have to do a lot of thinking on what the future held on these days when things seemed almost normal. It was when his body begged for rest in the wee hours of morning, when she was searching through the house looking for nothing in particular, that, with each heart beat, he asked himself the same question{c;red}., “Lord, what am I going to do?”

Each morning, when she moved from the bed to her chair, she was greeted with a cup of steaming hot coffee. She would take it in both hands with a,Thank you, Daddy,, and take a sip. She was unaware that both of their sleeps had been interrupted because of her roaming. Her breakfast was served shortly after her coffee. Sometimes, she felt like going to the table, but, most often, she ate at her chair{c}red}, and, at that, only ate a few bites. “I’ll eat it later,” she always promised.

OnceOne day, weary and tired from days without rest and nights without sleep, he made an error in administering her meds. It was then that he made the decision to talk to one of his six daughters.. Martha lived close by. She and her husband had bought the farm, and Sarah and Arthur were given rights to live there as long as they could. Her number was the first one on the list above the wall phone in the dining room. He dialed her number, trying to keep an eye on Sarah., He nervously waited for her to answer.

“Martha, can you come up here?” She recognized the weariness, and even a sadness, in his voice.

"Is everything OKokay, Daddy?" she asked, trying to think ahead about how long it would take her to get there.

"It's Mother. I just need for you to come up here"

That was all she needed. While hanging up the phone, she told him she would be there. On any other occasion, she could have walked up the hill to their home. However, this was an emergency.

Upon enteringWhen she entered the house, Sarah was incoherent. He, and Arthur was afraid. Somewhere in his administering her medication, he had given something to her twice.--- once more than he should have. When he learnedrealized his error, it was enough to scare him into admitting that he needed help.

“I don’t want to send her to a nursing home. I promised God sixty years ago that I would take care of her, in sickness and health, until death separated us. I just can’t do that to her. It is my responsibility to be there for her!” he wailed from exhaustion and fear..

It was an emotional time for eachboth of them. However, Martha, knowing having known that this day would come, was gentle in her approach to reasoning with him in his distraught state of mind. She was careful not to make the decision for him, only to guide him in making his own.


“But Daddy, you would be giving her the best care she could receive by taking her to the nursing home, where qualified people will take care of her.”

“But she has begged me not to do that!”

“I know, but you have to do what is best for her. You can go every day and sit with her, eat lunch with her. Us girls will also go, so she won't feel we have abandoned her. You would only be away from her at night, when you come home”, Martha gently continued. “And too, if she needed you in the meantime, they would call you.”

He hadn’t thought of it that way; that turning her loose toputting her into someone else’s care was actually still taking care of her. He sat there letting it all soak in, as he kept his eyes towardon his wife.

Reluctantly he agreed, so the necessary steps to get her there were set in order. His tall frame was bent in sobbing, forwhen the inevitable hour had comecame. He had always carried his age well. OneAnyone who did not know him would be hard pressed to believe he was 91, but, today, his weeping was fast making an old man out of him fast. The mental strain he had been under for so long,--- and the nights without rest--- had taken their toll.

Naturally, she did not want to go. To her, it was accepting that she would never come home again. However, he promised her that he would bring her home again.

Occasionally, on week-ends he did just that. He brought her home for an overnight stay. With each visit home though, - she would soon started begging to go back home. Eventually, he understood her new meaning of “home”. It was where she spent all the days that had grown into weeks. Her room at the nursing home was now “Home”

After her meds had been regulated, she was better for a (two words) while. The bright spot of her day was to hear his voice as he answered the, "Good mornings," when the staff greeted him.{c:}(You might want to switch the "as" and "when" in the previous sentence---it works better for me, but it's your sentence.) She listened as his voice got closer, from down the hall, coming toward her room. Always in his hand was a fried apple pie wrapped in wax paper. He kissed her and said, “I made it especially for you.” He had no thoughts or regards she was not supposed to eat sweets, and the nurses on duty did nothing to stop him. They could see he was still taking care of her.

“Thank you, Daddy,, she whispered, as he settled down into the chair beside her bed. He was keeping the promise that he had made 60 years earlier.
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I thought I had reviewed some of your work, but I guess I only rated, without reviewing.

You make some good, solid points. I sometimes find myself giving reviews that are less than complete, but I always try to give a rating that accurately reflects the author's work. There have also been times that I actually counted out the reasons for the stars that I awarded: 1 point for a really good idea, 1 point for being here and giving it a go, 1/2 point for all of your misspellings and incorrect punctuation, 0 points for your muddle-headed presenta... well, I never claimed to be perfect. I could say that in the future, I will do better, but the truth is that if a story offends me, I either hit Back or bomb the piece. At least, if I do bomb a piece, I usually give reasons as to why I did it. But I digress...

Digressing on a different note--- even giving a good review does not always prevent being blocked. I reviewed one piece and awarded it four stars while complimenting the author on a well-written piece. I also made what I thought was a humorous comment based on what the author had written, not realizing that she had had her sense of humor surgically removed. She sent me back a scathing reply and blocked me from her site. Oh, well...

To return to your piece, it is well-written, is quite original, and is thought-provoking, fully worthy of 4 1/2 stars, in my book.

Michael/GWFrog *Cool*

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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

A delightfully delicious tale, tantalizingly told.

I don't care if it already has three Awardicons, I'm gonna give it another one, just because...

Michael/GWFrog
*Cool*
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Overall, a very good story.
There are, however, a multitude of missing commas. Most are in places that seem to have become optional in publishing, if not in Proper English (or American) usage, but at least one is at a division point of a compound sentence.
There was at least one point that had some awkward wording--- try reading the story to yourself to see how it sounds, as well as how it reads.
"...Forever more..." is a compound word not needing a space.
"...riding the breaks..." should be brakes--- one of those spelling errors that spellcheck does not catch.

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Review of Nerd vs Geek  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)

A nerd is one who is intellectually gifted, but socially challenged.

A geek is a carnival term for someone who performs disgusting acts as a form of enterttainment.

A writer might be a nerd, a geek, or neither. A writer is one who works at telling a tale or relating an opinion by using words in a well-crafted manner, using proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. If you truly wish to be a writer, you need to apply yourself to learning the craft of writing. You alreay have the most necessary ingrediaent--- the desire to write. Now, you must work at writing well.
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Review of Billy  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Most cattle drives did not move west. They either moved up from Texas to the railroad, which moved further and further west, until tracks extended into Texas; or they moved south to the rails from Montana and Wyoming, until the tracks moved into the northern trerritories; or they moved eastward from Oregon into Nevada, Utah, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana. Then, there is the fact that the day of the long cattle drive had passed before the short-lived heyday of Billy the Kid arrived.
Although there is a widely known rumor that Billy the Kid's favorite gun was a double action .41 caliber, the only accepted photo of him shows him wearing a Colt Army .45 (single action) and carrying a Winchester rifle.
I challenge you,or anyone else, to quickly pull a boot knife from under the table and use it to nail someone's hand to the table, "...in one fliud motion..." The mere bending down to reach the knife concealed in one's boot would telegraph that something was afoot. This is just not a believable act outside of pulp fiction or the movies.
Otherwise, a well-written piece.
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Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It's been a while since I read anything quite like this. It just gently pulls you along with it as you lay out the tale that builds and builds and builds on itself. Very good story. Very well-written.
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Review of Meeting Him  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, I gave it an Awardicon for the second time, and I forgot to give it a review.
See, Len, I still can't remember where I put my memory.
For comments, see the review given by a "non-existant member" back in '03.
Ask me how it feels to be a non-existant member...
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Review of Young Men At War  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Whoa!
Harry, I think I may have, at some time, said that I don't usually get into poetry. (Probably one of the reasons that I had not reviewed mucjh of your work.)
Here, you grabbed me with your opening sentence & held me to the end,
WOW!!!
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)

An interesting take on life, Harry--- different, but perceptively real. My problem with it is that, by making it free verse, you avoid the greater depth that would be required of a good essay, which is not to say that the essay form guarantees depth. Your chice off form allows you to glide over the high points, and sometines that's quite a good choice. But what do I know?

Michael
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)

Sorry, but I'm not going to go into the editorial problems in your work, of which there are several.
You see, you have struck upon one of my pet peeves. What you have here is a composition that you have labeled as a "short story." While it is, in fact, a short telling of a story, if it is a true story, then it is not a "short story," but rather, something else. A "short story" is a fictional device; a work of the author's imagination that is shorter than a novella, a novelette, or a novel. If your piece is a narrative of a true occurance, then it is an essay, or an article, or a rememberance, or almost anything you want to call it that is descriptive of what it is, which is not a "short story." Even if it is just a short story...



I'll get down off my high horse now...
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Review of Old Glory  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I could quibble over a couple of things but won't...
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

It's tough for me to honestly review this. When I go looking for a "Western" to read, I am looking for a period piece, set in the American West during the 19th Century. If it has an earlier setting, then I mentally place it in the "Historical Fiction" genre; if later, "General Fiction" seems more fitting, unless it easily fits into a genre like, "Mystery" or "Romance." (I have to admit that, yes, I also saw your "Romance/Love" notation, but it really didn't register until after I started reading.)

Your "Prologue" is, in fact, very well written. Even though it was not what I was looking for, still and all, I cannot deny that it holds a promise of something good to come. Good luck in continuing what you have started.

About the only editorial point I would make would be that you might want to consider capitalizing "heaven," since "Heaven" is frequently, if not most often, used when indicating either the locale of an afterlife or the abode of God. If this had, in fact, been a "Western," I would have read it with more of an eye for editing and might have found other possible changes.
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Review of Sharp  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Whoa!!!
That's one heck of a tale... *Shock*

I did find a few editorial problems:
"...questions, by BLT..." is that supposed to be, "my"?
"...golf card that..." I'm pretty sure it was a "cart"
"...the cart's extern..."
"...their journey's apo..."
But, overall, your own editing seems to be pretty sharp...
( *Sick* Sorry, I couldn't help myself... *Rolleyes* )
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Review of "Mouth-A-Matic"  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)

Item the first--- FUN-NEEE... *Laugh*
Item the second--- you usually got your commas in before a quote, but not always...
Item the third--- in place of some, "said"s, you could have used "stated", "asked", "answered", "queried", "replied", et cetera...
Item the fourth--- spellcheck does not know you meant "piques" when you wrote, "...something that peaks your interest..." *Reading*


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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Not only completely subjective--- that is to say, your opinion--- but not very well written.
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
It looks like you've been around WDC long enough that if you step back and review your own work as if it were another's, you will see the problems.

For me, the brother's pat-answer Bible pushing is offputting, even though I believe that one can improve oneself and escape many of life's personal horrors only through Faith.

I'm not sure where you are going with this, but you must be planning on going somewhere, if it is a "prologue." Wherever this trip takes you, good luck.
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very good first draft.
Which is to say that there are numerous things needing work.
One of your biggest problems is comma useage; although you are much better at it than many. Still, there are several more commas badly needed, including at least two to properly tie together compound sentences. (Don't feel bad, I don't even want to think about how many of those I've seen [or haven't seen] in published books, including best sellers.)
There are several sentence fragments that you probably would prefer to clean up, and there is one sentence that read really awkwardly to me.
If you will step back, take a deep breath, then reread this as if you were reviewing somebody else's work, I think that you are a good enough writer that you will catch most of your errors.
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
I am sorry if what I am about to write seems harsh.
You have one important trait for a writer--- a desire to write.
However, if you are over thirteen, you have some problems, because this tale reads as if it was written by a twelve-year-old, at best.
If you wish to be a writer, you need to set fantasy and game playing aside enough that you have the time to learn how to write effectively.
"Eregon" was written by a fifteen-year-old who had made the effort and taken the time to learn how to go about writing a novel.
I won't even get into the technical errors within your writing; you would have learned how to avoid them, if you had been paying attention in English class.
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I frequently avoid poetry, yet tonight I not only landed on two poems in a row and at ramdom, but both were about the White Man's oppression and supression of the Native Americans. What are the chances of that?
Yours is far superior to the other one, which was a piece of awkward poesy. While yours is, to me, more prose that poetry, it coveys your message in a poetic manner.
But then, I often have no idea what I'm talking about.
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Review of Blue Orchid  Open in new Window.
Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
My Lord, what a magnificent tale!!!
Ususally, a few mising commas would cause me to drop this to a 4.5, but I cannot in good concious force myself to do so.
Your word usage and, most especially, your wordsmithing border on the priceless and sometimes cross over the border.
I consider myself to be a fairly good writer, but I am envious of your talent.
Thank you so very much.


(If you go back and read it yourself, you will likely see those missing commas for yourself.)
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A fine retelling of an ancient tale...
The only major problem I spotted was your misspelling in the title... *Shock*
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
A promising start...
I can see that you are somewhat familiar with the punctuation mark known as, "comma," but you missed several spots that need one...
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Review by GWFrog Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
"...seersucker plaid..." HUH??? Last time I looked, which isn't very often, seersucker was a striped linen material, as worn by Andy Griffith in "Matlock"...

Otherwise, an extremely amusing piece of lawn-care advice from an obviously expert lawn-care specialist...
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