First you may want to go back and fix the typos in the piece. There are numerous mispellings, punctuation errors, spacing errors and run-on sentences so that it would take to long to list them all. First, re-read the piece to yourself, noting the obvious mistakes. Then read it again outloud and the not so obvious will become easier to spot. Running spell check is also a big help.
Your flow of thought tends to be fragmented and disorganized. A large help would be to stay with the original topic. You began with needing morality in leadership then took an abrupt turn to speak of the evils of television, with no apparent connection between the two.
A well written piece has a certain outline to follow. For some pointers into a well written essay, go to http://www2.actden.com/Writ_den/tips/essay/index.h...
This is just one sight in many that will offer help.
Remember, to express your ideas effectively, good communication is key. Good writing is a practice-makes-perfect method of communicating. Though I suppose that that is true for any method.
Get a magazine, or a picture book and find a photo or drawing that appeals to you and write a story around it.
Flip through mental memories and do a take off of a true to life experiance. You can tweak it to go how you wished it had gone, or simply begin to tell your story and then let it evolve into it's own entity.
Try to remember any dreams you've had that seem to be out of a story book and do a take off.
Stay up on current events and write something from the viewpoint of a person who is living those events.
Or, go back in time and history and choose a favorite time period or person and write a story centered around it/them.
Hi! Thanks for coming to the forum! Even though I am far from being a poetry expert in ANY way, I'll try to give any help that I can.
Even though I am ignorant on much of poetry, my thoughts are that a poem should have some sort of rhyme, consistency, form, or rhythm. I read through this piece several times and could find none of the above. It only seems to be a string of words run together in poem form.
In the second stanza you say that your love is different because it is unspoken. I'm not sure this makes much sense. Love is not different just because it is secret.
In your title you mention that it is ironic that you wrote this when you were not in love. Not sure where the irony is!!
You've got many commas and I think you could put a period in place of a few of them.
I enjoyed the simplicity of the last few lines. It evoked a good picture of unrequited love and brought out emotion as good poetry does.
So rare is it I can ease.... This sounds awkward. I had been enjoying the word picture you painted but the order of the words in that sentence jerked me out of the vision. Try reordering the words. EX: It's so rare for me to ease into a calming mindset and inexplicable how I can find myself on a beach in the sun when so much...
Your description of the butterflies, while lovely, seemed to contradict itself at times. You did well in creating and drawing me into the experience, but there were moments when I popped out and thought "that doesn't fit". Such as the burn of their feet or the fevered breeze or the intense flutter of their wings. This takes away from the enjoyment of the piece and I feel no pleasure in imagining the sensations. Instead of the pure joy found in the butterflies that I know you wanted to express, I felt a shudder imagining burning, crawling feet. When I got to the end and realized that the sensations were supposed to be describing kisses, my mind had to wrench so that I could change the sensations I had been imagining to what you meant. I read it again and it was easier to fall into your explanation, but I still had a bit of trouble.
...but the tiny heated pressures are, I believe, becoming more frequent Putting in the I believe isn't needed and takes away from the flow.
While it is well written and is a relaxing piece, I am a bit at a loss to the reason for it. It's something I might expect to hear in a Yoga class to help me relax, but reading it left me feeling unsatisfied. Having so much about butterflies and the beach, the human/love aspect seemed out of place at the end.
You really did do well in describing all the things you were feeling. I could see the beach and the butterflies, even heard the ocean. Nicely done.
You've got a lot of typos and clumsy sentence structure throughout this. Once you clear those up, this will be an excellent read. Try reading through the piece to yourself out loud. This will force you to recognize where changes need to be made. EX:He always promised her, that he'll meet her one day. Perhaps...He always promised that they'd meet one day.
There are also several run-ons and fragments scattered through the piece. Again, try reading through to yourself, pausing where there is a break, but not pausing where there is no break.
Using & isn't considered an acceptable replacement for 'and'.
In the conversations, you tended to leave out the quotation marks that allows us readers to know where one stops talking and another begins. Without them it creates quite a bit of confusion! Also, you tended to overuse the pronoun 'she' during the conversations with Maggie. I was never sure if the she you were talking about was Maggie, or the heroin.
While the premise of the story was interesting, I'd really like to see it fleshed out a little. How long has she been having the dreams? What does she/he look like? Stuff like that.
Sounded like a dream come true! A very wish fulfillment piece!
The first paragraph, I'm assuming that it is supposed to open like a poem? Or is it just dialog? Not entirely certain. In either case, appropriate needs a period after it. Descent needs to be descend. The reference to sorcery throws me off for the rest of the piece. I had to read through the entire thing again to make sure that this wasn't written in another world where sorcery is possible.
I understand that you are writing from the view point of a very mentally injured woman. But if at all possible, do you think you could tweak the writing a bit to make it slightly more comprehensible? Truth to tell, I almost quit reading just because the first lines made me feel as if I were reading gibberish. For instance, I sat emotionless in another trance. My barrier is white and impure. The two thoughts seems unrelated. There is no palatable link between them. Also, you mention a 'him' and a 'her' as if they were the same person.
Next I am swooning, burying reality with a knife in my pocket. This is a rather confusing image, especially when further on the knife is out and cutting. How was she using it if it were in her pocket?
Lead should be Leading.
A place suicide is relieving Following hallucinations to retrieve schizophrenia. This was a hard one to follow. Not sure if you meant that suicide is a relief or if suicide relieves the hallucinations.
Again, I understand that the point of view is one from a disturbed mind. But take pity on your readers! To empathize, I need to know what is going on without needing to go back and re-read the piece several times. That tends to discourage me from returning.
You drew me in to the confused and frightened mind very well. Nothing was right and life seemed much scarier than through my eyes. You created a glimpse into a world I've never known. Nicely done.
This was one very awesome letter. Your expression, caring and love for the Dad came through very well. It would be a terribly hard thing to write, but you did it so well. I see that you entered it into a contest, but I still can't help but believe that this was a real life thing.
Your attention to the backstory, while not overexplaining, (as if to someone that already knew it all) was done exceptionally well.
If this was written for a real situation...wow, you expressed yourself incredibly well.
If this was written off the top of your head...wow, you captured the feeling of the moment incredibly well.
On a side note, when you going to post something that acutally NEEDS constructive critisism??? I'm a fan already! I'd love to be useful!
You remember it. What does she remember? And how does he know what she remembers?
What do you make of this? Not sure where this sentence fits in with the rest of the piece. I'm guessing you are asking us, the reader, to judge. Judge what? What comes after or from what you said before?
I don't know if I'll deliver. This seems to discord with the rest of the piece. He seems to know exactly what he is doing. Did you mean, I don't know if I'll be able to deliver.? That would make a bit more sense in that he may feel nervous about what he is about to do.
Some technical stuff. trough=throughToo bad; Last=To bad, last
..but paper will live on without closure.This didn't really make much sense. I can see that he is comparing himself to the paper, but I don't see the need. Apparently, he wanted closure from her at another time, but then they got back together? This is his revenge? Before this, I thought he was just the run of the mill psychopath and she was just a victim. That one sentence indicates history between the two and my mind, and empathy, had to jump to catch up.
There doesn't need to be a comma between paint it, though.
*red*..the Holy Ghost of the mind. this bit bugs me and I'm not sure why. Perhaps if it was changed to ..that Holy Ghost of the mind. it would be an easier read.
It's a candy thermometer, too. I thought I'd point out: We aren't playing softball here. Several points here. First, a candy thermometer? What? Do you mean that literally? Or am I not up on my drug culture? I'm hazarding a guess now, is there a special thermometer for prepping crack? That's the best guess I can make. Then the 'too' doesn't need a comma before it and it should be a 'to'. Lastly, 'out:' that should be a period after it, not a colon.
We're playing hard crack, like a cat-o-nine tails. You totally lost me on that one. Can't join the two references no matter how hard I try.
Your last paragraph had a long run-on at the end that put me out of mental breath by the time I got to the end. You may want to consider breaking it up a bit.
There were a lot of mental images that were created in this without an excess of description. That is a talent I truly wish I had! The circumstances were clearly depicted so that my imagination had no trouble picking them up and playing them as a background to the storyline. You did that VERY well.
And would someone please explain to him why his lawyer is dressed in a white gown that hangs all the way down to his simple brown sandals. This reads a bit awkward. Is it a question or a statement? In the sentences that came before, I assumed he was thinking to himself, but here you added to him which seemed unnecessary. Then is dressed seems out of place. Shouldn't it be was dressed?
Found only one hitch in the story. Jake referred to his judges as a 'bunch of deities' when there seemed to be only God. Though you did mention Jesus, are you ignoring the trinity or am I just being terribly theologically distracted? Never mind that. Even counting Jesus as a separate person, two hardly counts as a bunch.
Again, great job. When reviewing, I usually try to put in more than two measly points, but I couldn't find anything else to critique! Flow was excellent, I empathized (never sympathized!) with Jake...all in all a very good read!
My favorite line, Why should an atheist have to endure trial and judgment by a bunch of deities he never believed in? Great portrayal!
You overuse your conjunctions making the read somewhat repetitive. ...and her feet...Yet....and gravel...but she...but she...and her..." Try breaking it up a bit. EX: The road felt cold against her bare feet.
You mention twice that anyone seeing her would have no clue as to what she was up to or where she is going, making my imagination supply people. But then you later mention ...should someone happen to pass by this changes the scene to her being alone. This change interrupts the flow of the story.
Your last comment, ...or is it just beginning? seems to define your entire piece. I came away dissatisfied. There was a beginning, but no middle and no ending. I never came to care about the character in any fashion; no curiosity, no compassion, nothing.
This holds great promise if you expand it to include more detail and story line. You reference a little that she could be more than just human. If you evolved this more, my interest would bring me back for more!
Spell check ...next thing I no.." 'no' should be 'know'. ...this story here... 'here' should be 'hear'
...as I stand here now telling you this story,... story need a comma after it.
Bible needs to be capitilized.
Again, I like train of thought writing. But this piece needs a little more to it. While it is an enjoyable read, if you expanded on it a little, added a bit more explaination or detail, the impact would be greater.
You mentioned in your intro that this was about an Army deserter, but I didn't see evidence of this in the story until I read through the second time. It was a bit hard to catch unless I was actively looking for it.
When Thomas goes down memory lane, I didn't catch on at first. I thought you were telling the story of the wagon and family he had come across. Perhaps you could clarify this more.
Your descriptive sentences are really awesome! I love the way you pile words into scenes. But you need to watch your commas. Remember that adjectives need commas between them. You also place them a few times where they are not needed. Combined, this can make the reading a somewhat awkward. It could be easily cleaned up with a few tweaks. EX:"Before him stretched the open plains, dotted with sprawling underbrush and rocky outcroppings, and bathed in a crimson light from the rising sun." Lovely description, but it could read better. Maybe.."The open plains stretched out before him, dotted with sprawling underbrush, rocky outcroppings and bathed in a crimson light from the rising sun."
There are several sentences that could use a rewrite like this. Try reading through the piece out loud to find the awkward places.
On a geographical note, the Sierra Nevada's are a bit farther south than Montana. It's just the Rockies that far north.
Another bit of content that bugged me a little was when Thomas had to leave his bed to find his wife in the wagon. They were sleeping seperate? Maybe I'm nit picking, but this bugged me for some reason.
The last few paragraphs left me feeling as if some emotional point had been made but I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be. I am aware that an Indian camp was near by and I felt that this was supposed to make me more sympathetic to the Brave, but I don't know why. Had the white settler molested the camp? Was the young brave innocent? I'm left unsure, so you may want to clarify your ending.
Once again, you have a talent toward the descriptive. You encompass the surroundings and the feelings that they evoke very well.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gypsy4evermore
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 7:23pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
First you may want to go back and fix the typos in the piece. There are numerous mispellings, punctuation errors, spacing errors and run-on sentences so that it would take to long to list them all. First, re-read the piece to yourself, noting the obvious mistakes. Then read it again outloud and the not so obvious will become easier to spot. Running spell check is also a big help.
Remember, to express your ideas effectively, good communication is key. Good writing is a practice-makes-perfect method of communicating. Though I suppose that that is true for any method. 
I enjoyed the simplicity of the last few lines. It evoked a good picture of unrequited love and brought out emotion as good poetry does.