You wrote a very sentimental poem that toucher one's heart.. I think that you also had good rhyming patterns. The only suggestion I can make is that the meter is pretty rough in places. However, I believe that meter doesn't need to be completely even since the piece is to be sung and not read.
Your poem is an interesting combination of free verse and experimental fiction -- or perhaps experimental free verse. It has a nice effective hook at the beginning and good hooks always tend to attract readers.
It seems to me that you were also experimenting with the use of graphics within the poem. Experimentation is good. I suggest that you keep working with it and try to fine tune it.
I tried to identify a few of the paragraphs that seemed a little fuzzy to me. I hope my comments help. If not, feel free to ignore them.
I definitely like the hook you added at the end of this chapter. It is they type of addon that makes me interested in continuing to read -- even though my wife is now calling me to lunch. C'est la vie.
Good work although I think it could use a little cleanup.
I got to this chapter after reading a few others from the series. It does a good job of providing background for the following chapters although you do such a good job of covering details here and in subsequent chapters that I am beginning to believe that each chapter you wrote is good and detailed enough to stand by itself.
In my opinion, you should have in problem selling this book.
I rate this quite high (for me at least) although I think that some of the later chapters were even better. You do a great job of intruducing newbees like me to your vampire culture with which I am not totally familiar. I haven't even read much of Ann Rice yet. C'est la vie.
I like the intruduction of the Inuit girl. I did have a little exposure to it when traveling through northern Canada and Alaska.
It appears to me that you put an awful lot of research into this story.
The check points do a good job of catching my ideas for a critique. I consider this work to be an excellent job of erotic fiction. You do an excellent job of painting word pictures so that the reader can get well into the story. Keep up the good work.
I think the check points provide all the critique information that you need.
For some unknown reason, my first review bounced.
I like the emotional nature of this poem. It seems to emulate a lost soul crying in the wilderness and carries a strong emotional tone.
I think that the last two lines were particularly catching:
"Here Lies A True Big Brother
"The Only Man I'll Ever Love."
You wrote a very emotional, heart tugging poem that I can easily relate to -- even though I was not a soldier in the trenches. I did my own service during World War II as a weather forecaster for what was the Army Airforce at the time. My squadron never did any shooting and we were never shot at but our memories of WW II are still clear.
Wouldn't it be great if we could find a way to stop all war without becoming serfs to some agressiver invader?
Vaya con Dios.
Hank Lefevre
Author of "Memoirs of a World War II Weatherman."
You did a good job of creating horror and stark brutality scenes that hook onto the reader's emotions.
Some of the material seems a little rough. As am example, you have the phrase: "6 months if its a day?" You might try "six months? One month? A week." ( Note the progression.)
One place where you make good use of tags is where you say: "No thanks. I'm not hungry right now.," she gazed ... The tag is what you show after "... right now," in the dialog.
I like the paragraph where you you say "Shannon took the keys ... " In my opinion, this paragraph moves the story along nicely.
Please use your own wording when you disagree with me. You should never accept suggestions blindly.
This story starts out with an excellent set of descriptions. Your detailed scene setting seems to be one of your greater strengths.
I think, however, that you might want to identify the pov in the first paragraph instead of leaving him as an unknown well beyone the first section.
Shannon gets introduced first. Is there some reason why the apparent pov does not get introduced at all during the first two sections?
The last sentence in section II has an odd structure, but that should be easy to clean up.
Around setion V, the story seems to start rambling. Is there a reason for the slow pace? When will the plot start unfolding? What country are the characters in? Is this story viewing the present, the past, or the future?
I think that you have an interesting novel here. You did a good job of providing a setting that I could visualize with little effort. Your characterization of Kaedon made him interesting and unique. I'm impressed by this knowall and see-all blind man. Nice touch.
I do have a few suggestions, however.
1. You might want toget rid of the modern-day slang like "smartass." It doesn't fit the period of the story.
2. I think the introduction of beer seems out of place in an "ale" setting like yours.
Btw, I liked the dialog and description provided by "West." He is also a very interesting character.
Keep up the good work. I think that this should be a winner.
The opening of this piece provides us with a fairly detailled picture of the crime scene presented in the way only a shrink could depect it -- logical, detailed, and a little bit boring.
The author says that this piece is meant for readers interested in action-adventure. However it starts out quite slowly to the point of having most action-adventure readers lay it down and start reading another book.
In my opinion, you could improve the story by provinding a strong action-adventure scene at the beginning and slip this "poem et. al" in on the third or fourth page after the reader has been really hooked. Without a much better hook, you would have rather few readers.
I also suggest getting the author or narrator's emotions more involved. That is one element that seems to be missing.
Avoid the unseasoned oatmeal flavor and give us more spice -- especially at the beginning.
Hank Lefevre
Lover of "Red October" and other Clancy action novels.
Your story paints a beautiful word picture that is worthy of framing. I can appreciate the mind set of the "old man" as he wends his way down memory lane. Memories are such wonderful treasures. We should preserve them for our own version of posterity.
Vaya con Dios,
Henry Lefevre
author of "A Spoonful of Humor."
Also a member of the Angel Army
I think you have an excellent bit of free verse here. My biggest problem with it is that it seems to be a mood piece and not a story. However, it does have the makings of an epic poem. I suggest two possible options.
1. Build on the framework that you created.
2. Identify your intended genre more completely.
Is this a horror story? If so, I suggest adding more emotion to the poem.
You have written a very emotional poem. Perhaps someone, some day will find an answer to your laments. You do bring out a real problem. Once a major power kindles the flames and starts a war, it is not easy to stop the carnage - no matter how misguided the leaders were when they started the bonbing. May we some day in some way find peace.
You wrote an excelent prologue that hooks me, as a reader, and makes me want to learn more about this alien-type science fiction. Good work. An interesting prologue does a lot to encourage new readers to buy the books of authors that they haven't read before.
Henry Lefevre
Author of "A Spoonful of Humor" and "Moonbase III"
I think that you wrote a fine poem -- or saga. It is particularly meaningful to those who have traveled to Australia and Sydney. However, I have one big question. "Who is Marlene?" I suggest that you add a prologue or something similar explaining who she is and why the poem was written about her.
Henry Lefevre
Author of "A Spoonful of Humor"
Available on Amazon.com
I think that you wrote a very interesting poem. It was obviously about Sydney, Australia although that fact might not be clear to many of those not familiar with the area.
I would like to know who Marlene is or was. Perhaps it might pay to write a one paragraph prologue to the poem to clarify these points.
Henry Lefevre
Author of "A Spoonful of Humor"
Available via Amazon.com
I believe that your poem is a beautiful tribute to a mother that you loved and will miss for many years to come. Mothers tend to hald a sacrid pace in many of our hearts. They nurture us -- and in many ways provide an emotional bond that no one else in the family or circle of friends can provde.
Always remember the good times.
henry lefevre
author of "A Spoonful of humor"
available vie Amazon.com
Your poem "Mind Dance" has a very catchy rythem and it seems like a format that you want to continue to work on from time to time. The only suggestion I can make involves capitalizing the first letter in each new stanza. I think that this minor modification would make the poem easier to read.
henry lefevre
Author of "A Spoonful of Humor"
Available via Amazon.com
This is an interesting and enotional poem made even more interesting by the information given about the background which has been explained by the one who submitted it.
I was most impressed by the line: "Come home, a plea unheard." Unfortunately, pleas like this often go unheard.
Vaya con Dios,
henry lefeve
Author of "A Spoonful of Humor."
Available via Amazon.com
I've never met Harvey nor any version of a Pooka but I think that you did an excellent job of bringing that chow hound to life on the page. Cats seem to call their own shots. Dogs seem to require much more attention.
As the old saying goes, "Let's hope you never run out of dog biskets -- they are a dog's best friend."
henry lefevre
author of "A Spoonful of Humor."
Available on Amazon.com
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