I know nothing about poems, but I do know that you should write if it is something you like to do. Don't write to please others; write for yourself. Everything else is secondary.
Hi!
Is this part of a larger story? Because in the end, I didn’t get why the character was running away, why he had nothing to lose, who was the cloaked figure or what it wanted.
Be careful with the abuse of “…”. They’re out of place.
You need to stick with either the present or the past tense. Don’t switch mid story, unless you have a reason to. You can’t just say “I shivered…” and then “I can hear…”. The past tense is easier to write and readers prefer it too. Stick with it.
I shivered when a rush of cold breeze hit me. -> here, you tell the effect first, then the cause. You have to show the cause first, if you don’t want to kill the scene. In real life, cause always happens first, followed by the effect.
What does he have to fear? Why did he lose everything? Why is he afraid of the figure when he enters the church to the point of feeling life threatened?
If it were you, entering the church and bumping into a cloaked guy, what would happen?
If it were me, I would be shocked first, not being expecting him. So I’d say my heart skipped a few beats. Then, my eyes would focus and I would notice that the guy was covered in black, looking at me. His face was white as a ghost and there was no emotion on his face. It was like he was expecting me. Rationally, I’d think I shouldn’t be afraid of him, but my gut told me to run as fast as I could, so I turned my eyes to evaluate the possible exits. Then, I would try to leave without showing the guy I was afraid of him, calmly.
You need to edit your text. “The side of my head and places all over my body throbbed.” Isn’t edited.
And don’t go thesaurus crazy. Are you French? I say this because you used “visage”. It’s not very common to use that word in English. Stick with the words you normally use. Otherwise it will look weird.
If you’d like me to review your work again after you edit it, send me an e-mail.
Best wishes,
Ana.
Don't forget to replace "Agent" by his name - and spell it correctly. If you know someone who is a client of that agent, mention it.
Write something about you, about who you are, what you do, what you write, why you write. Explain why you're the best writer for that agent, to write that book. Mention prizes and published work. Be different, but be real. Tell how passionate you are - and don't bother him/her to death.
The structure should be like this: one paragraph summarizing the first quarter of your manuscript, that ends with the story question of your novel. Focus on the big picture, don't detail. Write in the present tense, just like in your synopsis.
Ask permission to send more information and, if he/she says yes, only send what he asked. I don't think you should develop your story like you did on the query letter, at least not so developed. I think it is too much information for such a small space. Hope it helps! :)
Hey,
So, do you have anything against writing "you" or is it a style choice? And the capitals in the middle of the sentences are also a style choice? I'm only saying this because I found it a bit distracting from the reading.
I think what you mean in the text is that we get inspired by our experiences, our surroundings, but the idea we get is always conditioned by our view of the world, which is different from everyone else. I don't get the "source that coexists"? Do you mean that there are unlimited ways of looking at the same thing, of understanding that source of inspiration?
I agree with you, just put it a little bit more "clean", so it's easier to understand!
:)
Well, I don't get much about poems, but I noticed that, at first, you were doing a great job showing, not telling. Although usually beauty is seen, not felt! :p Then, in the middle of the poem, you start telling instead of showing. Instead of saying that he is young and beautiful and free and passionate and strong and erotic, exhausting and inspiring, can you show those things? Like, for instance, mention his muscles or the way he holds "you" against a wall or something, don't say he's strong. Say you were left without a breath or that your legs were shaking or that you collapsed or something like that, not that you were exhausted. The same for the rest. :) The idea is to show the movements, the action. You did it well on your first paragraph. If you change it somehow, tell me, i'd like to read it again! :)
12 hour days - 12 hours a day
This is a letter to a school board, shouldn't the character be more respectful and not say "s***", "crap" and that sort of stuff? Even if it is his usual way of speaking...
straight to sleep - straight to bed
fitness center so - fitness center, so
Is aunt Sally a lunatic?
It's unexpected, original and completely crazy. Just make it more appropriate for a school board - I think it would be more comical if the kid tried to explain everything in proper language.
Hey, so this is very intense and sort of disturbing.
I'm not even sure if this is fiction or if it really happened.
Did you write it during a moment of depression? If you did, maybe you should find some help, I'm sure you deserve more than that.
Either way, here comes my edition on your work, just correcting some writing errors. Don't get mad at me and feel free to use it.
I sit at the end of the bathtub, looking up at the water pouring out of the shower head.
I imagine maggots and worms flowing through the water, eating away my soul.
You did this to me! You know you did this to me, but you never listen.
I sit on my bed watching the blood drip from my wrists. It is sick, I know, but it is also healing.
When did you ever listen to me dad? Do you care? You sent me away to this s***hole and expected me to survive.
You’re an abusive person and I hate you for what you did to me. I am a human being with a soul, I am not a dog.
You blame me for your mistakes, don't you dad? I am a mistake to you, father! When I die, remember those words you told me.
I am now a worthless piece of meat, sitting in a cold room, with a knife through my heart!
YOU DID THIS TO ME!
That's nice. It made me laugh a bit, because my employees do the same to me: they even shush me if I call them to attention. It's just that people don't seem to realize that if they don't work, then there's no income for the company and eventually there's no more company. It's not the boss's company, it's everyone's company; it doesn't really matter what your position inside it is.
I found a way of fixing it: they don't have working hours; the job needs to be done in time; if it's not, they won't get payed by the end of the day. But it really is annoying, when you go somewhere and people just make you wait half an hour, while chatting with someone else. It makes me desperate. You actually caught the reality and displayed it in perfection.
I'm pretty sure you already know this, but I'm still saying: your phrases are perfect: syntax, grammar, punctuation. Your writting is compelling. Thank you very much. :)
Hey, it's really good! I liked the story very much, especially since I learned to knit with my great grandmother, who also died when I was a little kid.
From your third paragraph on, you should look at the punctuation, place a few more commas and space the paragraphs, to make it easier to read.
Instead of "In cleaning...", it would be better "when cleaning..."
And a few more paragraphs? You really got into it! It shows you wrote with a lot of intensity, passion. Congratulations! :)
I liked it! Very romantic, saying someone s/he is the one who brightens, seduces, blinds, calms and fills you with pride. I don't know much about poem structure, but you made me smile while reading the poem, so you did well on expressing the feelings! Was that spanish or portuguese (Sol, Pacifica)? Thanks! :)
Hey, I really liked your story. I just felt a bit confused, I had to read it twice to fully understand the story.
That was because the writing is a bit confusing; try to fix the grammar, syntax and punctuation - it would really make it easier to understand. The plot is really good, and the characters too. Maybe you could develop a bit more, explain why the big sister was so mean? Or why the dad didn't have brothers and sisters? You made me feel compassion for the little boys, which is a good thing. This story can be amazing if you work on it! :)
Amazing! I loved the story, all the descriptions, the way the main character was reminding his family, the intensity of the prose. The character is perfectly round; not perfect, but able to arise compassion.
It's really well written, addictive even.
I would just take off the "green" from the mum's eyes, so it wouldn't feel repetitive. :)
I really like the idea of getting old, of time going by unnoticed, until the day comes when we realize that we're older, nearing death, and have been so immersed in our lifes, in our immediate goals that we forgot about our desires, our life wants and needs. You portray emotions and feelings well. However, I think it would be much more appealing if you fixed some punctuation and syntax errors. Tell me when you have! :)
The idea is really good. I think the paragraphs are a bit too long, maybe you could space it differently? I see you have some dialogue in the last paragraph, but it is kind of difficult to understand. I think it would be perfect if you spaced it out, for instance:
I began to see a smile on her angelic face, which actually cheered me up. My voice began to relax again.
- So, do not ever wish that you were like that repulsive creature inside, because you are much better. And I know without any doubt that the day when she will be ready to give everything up to have a part of what you have, will come.
I stopped speaking; she looked inside my eyes and told me, with a sound that I could only have heard with my soul:
- Thank you, you have really unburdened me from sorrow.
She left me and entered the library. I stood in the hallway, looking at the sunset, loathing the queen of make up and knowing that what I said to my beautiful friend was one of the best things I ever done in my life.
You should fix some of the punctuation, syntax and grammar errors.
Please, don't take it personnal that I changed your text a bit; it's just for help. Hope you don't get mad at me.
The idea is actually really good. I'd like to read it again when you've fixed the text! Send me a note when you have! ;)
Hey, I felt a bit confused. You should be careful with the verbs: use past tense to relate something in the past; if the character isn't attending that teacher's classes at the moment, you shouldn't say: "everytime I enter your class...". You should ease up on "..." and cut some of the text, so the letter won't seem so heavy. Take everything that isn't essencial to your story. Can't you give the teacher a name? Or some characteristics? How about the main POV? Can't you make her "rounder" (with more characteristics)?
It's a good story, with a good plot; just need to be expressed a bit more effectively. Keep going! ;)
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