Hi! I'm Fallon, and I am reviewing this for "Invalid Item" .This is a very good story. I really enjoyed it. I have a few changes to suggest. I don't mean any harm in my suggestions. I apologize if I come of as offensive. These are just my humble opinions and you may take them or leave them.
Suggestions
What you have written is in blue, my suggestions are in orange.
First off, I would just like to say that your verb tenses are a bit out of whack. One sentence will be in past tense, the next in present tense. You need to choice on or the other. Otherwise it just throws the reader off.
Joe a young man by comparison did not want to offend Henry, but neither did he want to seem weak, Joe, a young man by comparison, did not want to offend Henry, bu neither did he want to seem weak.
So that is why Joe was there he and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted, every car was positioned perfectly and polished showing off their bright colors. So that is why Joe was there. He and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted; every car was positioned perfectly and polished, showing off their bright colors.
Edsel had insisted there not be a single vehicle that was black.Edsel had insisted there not be a single black vehicle.
Joe and his cousin Johnny went out front; they were smoking the cigars, received from Henry.Joe and his cousin Johnny went out front; they were smoking the cigars received from Henry.
A cloud moved and changed the sunbeams’ path, it moves from them to the building next-door. A cloud moved and changed the sunbeam's path; it moves from them to the building next-door.' This is also an example of your multiple verb tenses.
One of the young women took Joe aback, and he asked her name.One of the young women caught Joe's eye, and he asked her name.
Joe’s face lit up as bright as one of the mirrored tiles of his employer’s grand show place he said, Joe’s face lit up as bright as one of the mirrored tiles of his employer’s grand show place. He said,
Ha, Johnny that’s because you don’t see what I see, she is an angel.Ha, Johnny that’s because you don’t see what I see; she is an angel.
"Hello beautiful, how is my Angel, do we have lunch today?”}"Hello beautiful; how is my Angel? Do we have lunch today?"
“Oh Vi he didn’t hate you, a father never could hate his child, it is just the booze it clouded his eyes, he couldn’t see what I see.”“Oh Vi he didn’t hate you. A father could never hate his child; it is just the booze it clouded his eyes. He couldn’t see what I see.”
Every October 6th; a truly special day for Joe, it’s their anniversary.I don't really know what this is. At first I thought it was a fragment, but now I think it just doesn't flow well.
The medics plied their trade; they gave shots and shocksThe medics did their best; they gave shots and shocks
the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the graveside. the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the grave-sight.
"Hello beautiful, how is my angel . . . oh, and I think you are going to really love the new car.”"Hello beautiful, how is my angel? Oh, and I think you are going to really love the new car."
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It was adorable and sweet as well as heart breaking. Thank you for sharing it with us and giving me the opportunity to review it. Write on!
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