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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hazelxiii
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23 Public Reviews Given
27 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Cave  Open in new Window.
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
First Impression
Good story; well written. I think that you should put a little bit more into it. Eric's change in emotion seems a bit drastic for what the reader knows. It seems as though he knew the old man would want the stone back.

Spelling and Grammer
"Just how would and old decrepit man like you stop me?"
I think the "and" was meant to be an "an."

Overall
It was a good read. Just give it a little TLC and it could be really good. These are just my humble opnions, take them for what you will.

Write On!
Fallon
2
2
Review of The Fog  Open in new Window.
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I saw your post in the Coffee Lounge, and I'm glad that I did. Excellent. It reminded me slightly of Poe's short story Legia. If you haven't read it, you should invest. I loved it.

Anyway... This really was very good. It was intriguing and I kept reading just to find out who was who and why the little girl was talking about her house that was actually the narrators.

Well done, write on!
Fallon

3
3
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This was a very moving piece. I'm not quiet sure if it is pro-abortion or pro-prevention, but either way, it is very eye opening. I enjoyed reading it very much, and that's saying something, because I'm not a fan of poetry, much less free-verse.
I only found one thing that I think could be changed.
Instead of: be born to a teenaged, drug-addicted,
How about: be born to a teenage, drug-addicted,

Just a suggestion.
Thank you for letting me read this. Very Good. Write On!
Fallon
4
4
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm Fallon, and I am reviewing this for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..This is a very good story. I really enjoyed it. I have a few changes to suggest. I don't mean any harm in my suggestions. I apologize if I come of as offensive. These are just my humble opinions and you may take them or leave them.


Suggestions

What you have written is in blue, my suggestions are in orange.

First off, I would just like to say that your verb tenses are a bit out of whack. One sentence will be in past tense, the next in present tense. You need to choice on or the other. Otherwise it just throws the reader off.

*Vine1*Joe a young man by comparison did not want to offend Henry, but neither did he want to seem weak, Joe, a young man by comparison, did not want to offend Henry, bu neither did he want to seem weak.

*Vine2*So that is why Joe was there he and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted, every car was positioned perfectly and polished showing off their bright colors. So that is why Joe was there. He and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted; every car was positioned perfectly and polished, showing off their bright colors.

*Vine1*Edsel had insisted there not be a single vehicle that was black.Edsel had insisted there not be a single black vehicle.

*Vine2*Joe and his cousin Johnny went out front; they were smoking the cigars, received from Henry.Joe and his cousin Johnny went out front; they were smoking the cigars received from Henry.

*Vine1*A cloud moved and changed the sunbeams’ path, it moves from them to the building next-door. A cloud moved and changed the sunbeam's path; it moves from them to the building next-door.' This is also an example of your multiple verb tenses.

*Vine2*One of the young women took Joe aback, and he asked her name.One of the young women caught Joe's eye, and he asked her name.

*Vine1*Joe’s face lit up as bright as one of the mirrored tiles of his employer’s grand show place he said, Joe’s face lit up as bright as one of the mirrored tiles of his employer’s grand show place. He said,

*Vine2*Ha, Johnny that’s because you don’t see what I see, she is an angel.Ha, Johnny that’s because you don’t see what I see; she is an angel.

*Vine1*"Hello beautiful, how is my Angel, do we have lunch today?”}"Hello beautiful; how is my Angel? Do we have lunch today?"

*Vine2*“Oh Vi he didn’t hate you, a father never could hate his child, it is just the booze it clouded his eyes, he couldn’t see what I see.”“Oh Vi he didn’t hate you. A father could never hate his child; it is just the booze it clouded his eyes. He couldn’t see what I see.”

*Vine1*Every October 6th; a truly special day for Joe, it’s their anniversary.I don't really know what this is. At first I thought it was a fragment, but now I think it just doesn't flow well.
*Vine2*The medics plied their trade; they gave shots and shocksThe medics did their best; they gave shots and shocks

*Vine1*the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the graveside. the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the grave-sight.

*Vine2*"Hello beautiful, how is my angel . . . oh, and I think you are going to really love the new car.”"Hello beautiful, how is my angel? Oh, and I think you are going to really love the new car."

I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It was adorable and sweet as well as heart breaking. Thank you for sharing it with us and giving me the opportunity to review it. Write on!
*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. through "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*

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5
5
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi! I'm Fallon, and I am reviewing this for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window..This is a very good story. I really enjoyed it. I have a few changes to suggest. I don't mean any harm in my suggestions. I apologize if I come of as offensive. These are just my humble opinions and you may take them or leave them.


Suggestions

What you have written is in blue, my suggestions are in orange.

First off, I would just like to say that your verb tenses are a bit out of whack. One sentence will be in past tense, the next in present tense. You need to choice on or the other. Otherwise it just throws the reader off.

*Vine1*Joe a young man by comparison did not want to offend Henry, but neither did he want to seem weak, Joe, a young man by comparison, did not want to offend Henry, bu neither did he want to seem weak.

*Vine2*So that is why Joe was there he and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted, every car was positioned perfectly and polished showing off their bright colors. So that is why Joe was there. He and his crew had finished setting things up the way Henry wanted; every car was positioned perfectly and polished, showing off their bright colors.

*Vine1*Edsel had insisted there not be a single vehicle that was black.Edsel had insisted there not be a single black vehicle.

*Vine2*Joe and his cousin Johnny went out front; they were smoking the cigars, received from Henry.Joe and his cousin Johnny went out front; they were smoking the cigars received from Henry.

*Vine1*A cloud moved and changed the sunbeams’ path, it moves from them to the building next-door. A cloud moved and changed the sunbeam's path; it moves from them to the building next-door.' This is also an example of your multiple verb tenses.

*Vine2*One of the young women took Joe aback, and he asked her name.One of the young women caught Joe's eye, and he asked her name.

*Vine1*Joe’s face lit up as bright as one of the mirrored tiles of his employer’s grand show place he said, Joe’s face lit up as bright as one of the mirrored tiles of his employer’s grand show place. He said,

*Vine2*Ha, Johnny that’s because you don’t see what I see, she is an angel.Ha, Johnny that’s because you don’t see what I see; she is an angel.

*Vine1*"Hello beautiful, how is my Angel, do we have lunch today?”}"Hello beautiful; how is my Angel? Do we have lunch today?"

*Vine2*“Oh Vi he didn’t hate you, a father never could hate his child, it is just the booze it clouded his eyes, he couldn’t see what I see.”“Oh Vi he didn’t hate you. A father could never hate his child; it is just the booze it clouded his eyes. He couldn’t see what I see.”

*Vine1*Every October 6th; a truly special day for Joe, it’s their anniversary.I don't really know what this is. At first I thought it was a fragment, but now I think it just doesn't flow well.
*Vine2*The medics plied their trade; they gave shots and shocksThe medics did their best; they gave shots and shocks

*Vine1*the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the graveside. the flowers were six rows deep and took three vans to move to the grave-sight.

*Vine2*"Hello beautiful, how is my angel . . . oh, and I think you are going to really love the new car.”"Hello beautiful, how is my angel? Oh, and I think you are going to really love the new car."

I thoroughly enjoyed your story. It was adorable and sweet as well as heart breaking. Thank you for sharing it with us and giving me the opportunity to review it. Write on!
*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. through "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

6
6
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hysterical! This was a great poem. I liked the rhyme scheme; it gave the poem a nice pace. I have to admit that, being a women, I found this very funny and well written.

There was one thing that I thought looked a bit wierd. I'm not sure if you wanted this line like this: "The color might could stand dyeing" The might and the could are basically the same, so I would think that you wouldn't need both. However, this is your poem and you may take that for what you will.

All in all, I liked it alot.
Fallon
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
7
7
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is so good. I can see why it got so much notice. Everything was historically acurate. I saw no mistakes or errors. I loved how you were really able to get into Hitler's mind set and write from his point of view. It is kind of a sick way to think of it as Hitler being forced to eat vegtables as a child. Great job.
Fallon
8
8
Review of Fifty Seconds  Open in new Window.
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful. You brought me to tears, and believe me, that is not an easy thing to do. Beautifully crafted. There was a sense of pain in every word. It was heart wrenching. I found very minor mistakes, such as verb tenses that were a bit off and one spot where you used there instead of their, but other wise it was an amazing piece. I can clearly see that you have a gift for story telling.
Fallon
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
9
9
Review of Do you feel it?  Open in new Window.
Review by Salem O'Rourke Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very well crafted. I love how the story is very fast passed in it's structure, almost like a poem. However, it slows down at good points. You story is simple, and that's what gives it a "chill factor". It grew creepier and creepier as you progressed further into your plot, finally leaving us with a chilling and question filled cliff hanger. Thanks for that wonder full ride.
Fallon
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
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