This was just great!!!!! If you do not post this at Splashhall I will be so dissapointed. This has definately got it going on. I would love to see this one set a few people over ther back on their heels. I would also think seriously about sending this one out on the publication circuit. Wonderful!!!!!!!!!!
IMO, this poem actually began in the third stanza. From that stanza on it was quite powerful. I would think about losing the first stanzas. In so doing, your get right to the "meat". You might also think about shortening or changing the name of Billy to something that sounds a little less like prosody. If you consider making these changes I would seriously like to see you start sending this one out on a publication route.
This was an interesting read. I am not sure I care for the form in which it was written. You might want to make it a little less wordy and more to the point. Otherwise, nice job!
I am not very good at reviewing. Reading this poem reminds me of how many of poems start out...thirty or so lines long/everything spills out onto the page. Now it`s time to dig out the gold/ seperate the wheat from the chafe. Put your poem away for a few weeks, then dig it out and go after it with a vengence. Edit.Edit. Edit! You have many good lines here, but they are getting lost in verbosity. Of course, I am a minimalist. I want to get right down to the heart;dig it up and serve it on a silver platter. Sometimes, after writing thirty or so lines...the real poem arrives out of left field that includes not one line out of the original mess. It is a journey of exploration. The best advice that I can give, is to not fall in love with your words. Falkl in love with your eraser. Work on this some more. Start by cutting the lines by half. They will find you.
This is little too forced and wordy for me. The subject matter is fine, just not getting the "picture". It sounds like someone`s idea of what it is like to be homeless.
This is just a tad wordy. I often begin a poem by writing down everything that comes to me concerning the topic at hand. Then, I ask myself, "Have I presented the rose...or the whole garden." That is when the pruning begins. After the pruning, comes all that meter and rhyme stuff. This has a lot of potential. Keep writing!
Stood up! I am not quite sure what this is about, but there is good potential here. Readers are not apt to hunt around in a poem for a clue. They need to feel satisfied.
There is a lot of potential here with some hard editing. Think of poem as if it were a Bonzai tree...trim in to perfection. At present, this is a bit to cumbersome. Work on getting to the heart of the matter. When you find the heart, your words will find the beat.
You have not engaged the reader here. I can understand what you were attempting to achieve, but the form itself, was a major distraction. Form does not make a poem....a poem makes a form.
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