Along with the others...I suppose... this I give 4 1/2 stars to. And this is why....
This story is a powerful storyteller. I like the characterization my your main POV. I do think however, that you should consider more description into whom this 'mystery' person is...at the moment, the story reads as if it were 'you' the author that this is about. Which is terrific, and a unique way to tell this story. I don't know if this is what you intend or not. I have a very strong sense as I read that the story could have just as easily not been the 'whole' story. I think if you would like to this could be extended. However, it does end...if this is what you intend. I sound as if I'm speaking in riddles, I hope I am not confusing you. :)
Overall, I like this, but I think there are some things that you should consider before calling it complete.
A heartfelt story for sure. This one brought not tears to my eyes, but empathy and sympathy to my heart. I could feel the pain of your character, and the characterization was good. Your description was on key, and well laid out. I gave it a 4.5 because it left questions...where is the mother? Did she leave her child at the hospital alone? While I understand that the nurse was a bit of a mother figure character, the actual mother is only mentioned in passing. This is something that you might want to consider doing...adding a bit more info on the mother. I think it can be done without losing any of the power, emotion, or disrupting the current flow. However, as the creator...it is completely up to you.
This is a unique way of laying out a story. I can't say that I have ever seen it done this way before.
In saying this I continue to say...
Your writing and your story is just a unique. You appear to be cutting away at your own path in the writing world. This story is a great starting point for you. I did notice a few typographical errors, so you might want to read through it again with the eye of an editor, not the eye of the creator. Your characterization is somewhat two dimensional, my advice would be for you to sit down and interview each of them. Literally. Write questions for them to answer, then put yourself in their minds to write the answers...you might be surprised what you learn about them doing this. :) Your description is wonderful. You have painted a picture for your reader, so that gives them a basis for their own images from that.
Overall, this is a terrific start to something that has a potential to be wonderful all around! Keep up the good work!
Hi! I saw your request for reviews on this piece and thought I'd offer my two cents worth. :)
Likes:
- a good short story that gets straight to the point
- I didn't find any outright grammatical or spelling errors, though I didn't look with a fine tooth comb
Improvements to consider:
- characterization...I think you have a great start with them, but they seem 1 dimensional. I understand that with a short story there isn't much time to develop them into novel length characters, but showing their emotions a bit more could really empower this story.
- description...Again, I know this is a short story, but I think you should take a line or two to describe the scenes a little better for your readers, unless this piece is written with a word limit...I think you should consider it.
Overall:
- You have a terrific start to this w-i-p. But, I think that's what it is...a work-in-progress. With a few added details, it could be ready for bigger arenas.
Don't give up! Keep on Writing!
Heidi
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