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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hellokassie
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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a reviewer who considers many points of your writing, and does not use templates. Generally, I will first comment on my first impression of the whole thing, and then point out any structure, vocabulary, sentence length, et cetera that I think needs to be fixed. Obviously this is constructive critique, so I don't really sugarcoat it. But when I do see a piece I really love, I'm sure to tell the author quick. I will change my review based on your requests, although most of the time I don't comment on grammar and spelling unless requested to. I enjoy fantasy, realistic fiction, mysteries, et cetera the most, although I'm open to any. Even the more adult-rated ones, I will accept and review.
I'm good at...
Being very criticizing. I look at everything with a careful eye and will point out all the important details.
Favorite Genres
Fiction in general. Sci-Fi. Fantasy. Mystery. Realistic Fiction. Deep, though-provoking stories. Nearly anything, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry. (Except for Prose Poems, I enjoy those.) Long non-fictions.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, contest entries, etc.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Oh dear. This is a thought-provoking essay, a combination of deep poems and news quotes. I really like it.
I have nothing more to say. It's thought-provoking, it's deep, it's got wonderful voice, it's got irony, it's got an amazing word choice... It's got it all.
I like how you describe the story with an impartial attitude, without really telling about what you think, the story tells exactly what you think. It's hard to explain.
I really, really, like this.

Good luck to you and your writing.


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2
2
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi!
I read your essay, but I have some thoughts.
There were some tone changes. It sometimes sounds like an essay, it sometimes sounds like a casual blog post. It changes topic too easily, switching from one to another.
You keep starting sentences with "the". It gets a little boring, and perhaps you could combine them into one sentence?
Some commas are necessary.
You end on a totally irrelevant note. Your essay is about a TIMEX castle which displays watches, correct? You end with: "a time when no one smokes in public". It's unrelated and does not end the piece on a thought-provoking, happy phrase.
I do really like the detailed description of the castle. It's very philosophical.


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3
3
Review of Lucy's Rainbow  Open in new Window.
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh. It's beautiful. I really love the rhyming and the word choice. It describes the day with a flourish, a glorious flourish. (Say that 10 times fast.)
I like the rhyming and the word choice, but I feel like the rhythm is kind of off.

I wish you the best of luck, with your daughter and your writing.
Kassie


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4
4
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, Bryan. I really enjoyed your work, although I do have some words to say. I'm just going to list them as I read through.

First of all. It's a rather graphic description at the beginning, isn't it? It got me. As a reader, my first impression was, "Whoa, okay, what happened to them?" Which is a good thing. In the beginning, you want to leave your reader wanting more. And I love the word choice and the sentence structure.
There were a couple grammatical errors, with extra commas and apostrophes where they should not be, and conjunctions needed.

1/4 through, I'm kind of confused about what's going on, and what the beginning hook has to do with it. I'm not sure if that's how you intended it, or... So I keep reading. I do appreciate the word choice though. It describes his surroundings well, and I really feel like I'm right there, next to him.

At the section with his experience with the Marines, I'm like, "Okay, he has suddenly time traveled." It's not a very smooth transition from memory to vivid memory. At first, he's just remembering the times, and then he's like BOOM HITTING THE FLOOR RUNNING... I get what you're trying to do, but maybe introduce some transition.

Oh. Okay, so the hook. The ghosts are of people he killed. It's coming together now.

"... eyes wide in wonderment." Wonderment gives me the feeling that he's a little child looking up at a parent.

Okay, so his father comes back to earth as a ghost. I like the accent though. The way he speaks. I can imagine him talking. Good.
His last words to father needs to be more memorable. Describe his disappearances. He's a major character who influences Phillip most. He deserves more description. What does he look like?

Okay, the ending. I feel like the beginning was a really in-depth analysis of him and his family, and then the ending just comes together without any real development. It's kind of like just a beginning and an ending. There wasn't much of the middle section.

"... the biggest s***-eating grin" HAHAHAHA I loved that.

Did they ever kill the hogs? (Just curious, haha)

In general, I feel like the entire work was pretty nice. It's a great story, a great moral, great characters. I liked the word choice very much. I liked the sentence structure. I didn't really like the overall story structure. There were some grammatical mistakes. I would have rated it a four, but the grammatical mistakes were pretty obvious. If I could, though, I would rate 3.75

Good luck!
Kassie


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5
5
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful. Truly beautiful. I've never seen anything like this before. Unique yet deeply satisfying. It teaches a true moral lesson that appeals to people of all ages. The children, a lesson. The young, a lesson that you can connect to. The old, a chance to laugh at the young.
There are some grammar mistakes though. "In your quotes, don't forget to include an ending punctuation mark," she said. "Use a comma, or use a exclamation mark!" Clauses need a comma.
One day, <rest of sentence>

Truly enjoyed. Continue writing!


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6
6
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
HAHAHA! I really loved your work. At first impression, I was like, "Okay... A poem..."
But then I saw the little star on top of your tree. :P
Okay, to business.

First with the technical details. I really enjoyed your word choice with "glittering tinsel bows", and "presents gleam bright". Just those few words give the Christmas vibe. Although, in this line:
"... and jump with absolute joy and glee"
I understand that it's a concrete poem, and to make the tree look like a tree, "absolute" needs to be there. However, I don't think it's the right word to be there. "Run and jump with joy and glee" sounds better. Perhaps choose another word?
I also love that the last few words are "the Christmas tree", wrapping it up nicely. (haha, pun intended)

Truly enjoyed.
Good luck!


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7
7
Review by Kassie Rita Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Your writing is pretty good, although the story plot is okay. It's about a thief who spends so long just to troll others? I find it rather hard to believe.

Perhaps, next, you could think about writing about the thief and his backstory. Maybe why he goes around stealing pointless items from other people? Maybe, even, he has a little mental problem and his mother was a hoarder, and he had no father. So she used to go around to garage sales and pick up stuff randomly. I don't know. Something like that.

Put your story into real dialogue with your significant other.
"'Quit wasting my time. What was stolen?' The man on the other end was very brusque." Policemen are trained to listen and to understand from a solid perspective.
Do people really freak out that much about open and closed doors?

I don't mean to sound harsh, I am truly sorry.


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