Let me be clear. When I review, I am blunt, but not mean-spirited in my reviews.
The initial concept of this story is quite intriguing. The idea of finding something mysterious in a room leading to an assortment of diverse scenarios that all began at a single point is very enjoyable. Reading a long story path and then returning to the beginning of a story to find a completely different path gives readers a strong sense of knowing the characters of the story.
However...
This story is not quite what I described. I struggle to find the perfect words, but in short, it is not yet what it presents itself as. Where it currently stands, this huge diversity available seems all but squandered. I have not delved to the bottoms of the depths of this story. The key reason being that most of them simply end in, how should I say... age regression and/or bodily waste. The fetishes included in a story are rarely worth mentioning in review, but these just come out of the woodwork every time a path gets anything going. I can only feel that this story is false advertising the way it is presented right now.
Aside from that, so many chapters are lacking description. Chapter after chapter feels like a bridge for decision instead of actual story. Expand; elaborate; take risks. I cannot give more advice for growing as a writer with so little. I hardly feel like I know any of the characters. They seem to make choices on a whim, with little to no pretext at all.
As a side note. Descriptions, especially in the intro, should be done in present tense unless you intend on describing how things have changed.
I truly hope this is not too discouraging. My key point in reviewing is usually to emphasize strengths rather than weaknesses, but unless you write more, it is very difficult to find them. Even two or three paragraphs would make a huge difference. I can say that there is a huge amount of creativity hidden here. Please do not withhold it from us.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/henry.kajitani
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.06 seconds at 2:05am on Nov 14, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
