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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/her74355
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39 Public Reviews Given
40 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Bar None  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First off, nice job. I liked this very much. I was sifting through the tales on line to help out with reviews and this is the first that caught my attention. Flash fiction is a very rewarding experience when you pull something out space you did not expect was there. This feels like one of those pieces. Here are a few of my thoughts:
- Good voice throughout. All three of the focus characters were very clear in the reader’s mind.
- Good dialogue. Not only is the reader able to eavesdrop, but the dialogue moves the tale along.
- I like the mystery of the tale but not sure I got the full meaning at the end.

Sometimes, going back and editing flash fiction helps tremendously. Bottom-line: As a reader I became involved with the characters and would not have minded staying with them for awhile.
Good luck.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice job. This looks very polished and is it obvious a lot of time was taken to do so. As a reader, I was taken along with George during his sad excursion into the world of loss, which was honest and not overwrought with emotion. The emotion was left for the reader to imagine (at least that is my impression) and done very well.

One thing, at the beginning I thought this would be a story told from her POV when the line read “trembling at her core...” It seems this was George’s observation but I think the POV is told as her POV. I don’t think George can know this unless he is making an observation and is assuming that is what is happening or “imagines she must be trembling at...” The rest of the story was fine and we get the notion is he guessing at what she may be feeling.

All in all very well done.


POV unclear at times. Beginning and when She...
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First things first. This good stuff. From beginning to end it keep my interest and the first paragraph hooked me prompting me to read on. Dialogue is quick and real with not a lot of wasted verbiage and the emotions, actions and reactions were believable and as a reader I could see the characers, as if in a play, performing in my head.

I like how the story provides a description of what the characters look like and what they are wearing without letting the reader know that is what is happening. The descriptions became part of the movement of the tale, if that makes sense.

The few comments I have are minor and may or may not be worth exploring

1- The story provides a sense of place at the beginning but seems to lose it later. I found myself looking back to the beginning to try a place where the characters were. Maybe show more of their surroundings interspersed throughout the tale.

2- I think there was at least on POV change that should be eliminated or reworked. The story is essentially told from Brannon’s POV but at one point the narrator says, “Her hands shook so bad she couldn’t feel Brannon tugginf at them.” This is her POV placed into the POV of another character. I could be wrong but worth a revisit. Also, “bad” should be “badly”. (I think)

3- This feels like a second chapter. I feel like I missed the introduction or the chapter that came before that explained the where, when, why and how.

All in all very good stuff and very publishable once the kinks are worked out. Good luck, hope my comments help.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice job. I loved the way this tale is primarily told with dialogue, which can be difficult to achieve. But you pulled it off admirably. Also, character development was achieved via dialogue and was done well. My few comments regarding the story and possible improvements are as follows:

- Maybe describe the setting a bit more at the beginning (i.e. the cabin, a clearing where they set up the fire, etc.)

- As a reader, I think I wanted to know sooner why they broke into the house. But I was not really bothered by finding out later. Maybe try it and see if it works better.

- Maybe explain how they became friendly enough to sit by the fire after having broken into the house. That part seemed to be skipped.

- Good visuals for the senses but maybe add a few more smells.

- Lastly, I've seen similar stories like this in the movies and sort of expected a twist. Not sure the ending provided one. Maybe rework the final scene a bit. No one seemed interested in what happened to her friends and I wondered why. But I did love the tree at her hospital window. NIce touch.

Of course, these are just impressions and suggestions that may or may not help with your intent. Regardless this was a very well told story and I know I would enjoy your next tale. Good luck.
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Review of Frigid Melancholy  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have done a very good job describing the “cold”, I felt the coldness the character felt as I read the piece. As a writer that is hard to do and you achieved it admirably. I understand a bit that this is not exactly a “leteral” tale, more metaphorical, and in that sense it is well done. But I don’t think I got everything you may have been trying to say. Maybe you need to flesh this out a bit. Did you mean to write in three long paragraphs? If you did, good, I had not problem with that. Maybe add a bit more action, some smells, explore the owl a bit more. Perhaps look to Joseph Campbell or even Zipes (he writes about fairy tales) for inspiration and reference to mythology, or more importantly the inner mythology of the mind.

All in all, nice job. Hope my comments help. Good luck.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
So first off, I am not a reader of fan-fiction but decided to give this a shot anyway. Thus, I am not familiar with the origin of the tale and did not look it up so that I could get a good fresh perspective.

This is an interesting tale and gathered my attention right away and kept it until the end. The beginning and the middle made me want to ready more. Nice job.

One main observation pertains to misuse of grammar and misspellings. I know it is very time consuming and tedious but whenever these fundamentals of writing are overlooked, the reader is immediately taken out of the story, and will many times just abandoned the story without reading further. Your skill at writing kept me moving forward despite the grammar and misspelled words. So, once you clean it up I think you will get more readership.

The other item I think could help is addition of descriptions that feed the senses. Although your imagery description was well done - I saw the head and the felt I could be in Chad’s spot looking on - as a reader I did not really get a good sense of place, and there was nothing for me to “smell” or “touch”. In other words, what did the place smell like to Chad? What did he walk over? What aromas touched his skin and if they did, how did it feel?

Lastly, a lot of information is dumped into this short story. Maybe this is because as fan-fiction, the author must assume the reader knows of where it came and does not feel the need to explain what the reader should already know. If so, then take the rest with a grain of salt. Too much information about the character’s past and history of events, etc. inside a short story can spoil the “slice of life” event that is being told. Perhaps allude to these things rather than try to explain it all. Rememer, sometimes a minimum said creates the maximum told.

Nice job all around. Hopefully my reading helps with your future writing. This is your story so feel free to throw out reveiw items that don’t apply to your intent. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Okay, this tale is not bad. I think another draft with a few modifications would make this a very noteworthy horror tale.

1 - First, I like the ending, and whether you as the writer intended this or not, I was left with the impression that the ex-girlfriend killed Dormond and made it look like he killed himself with the old blood-stained gown. This is as good as a horror story gets - the ghost gets revenge not only by ending the life of her killer but permits the living to see the killer for who he really is - all his good deeds mean nothing because now he is “found out”, which is poetic justice.

2 - Next, perhaps sift through the descriptions and eliminate those that stymie the action, words or phrases that tell us what is happening rather than show us:
- “His stride was easy” - Replace “was” with a description of the easiness of his stride (i.e. does he as tread lightly over the carpet, does he tiptoe, does he drift though and around the furniture with purpose?)
- Also, praises like “could see...”, “was...”, or “there was...” are passive. Words like “could” “was” “there was” can all be replaced with descriptions of actions (i.e. “he could see” can simply be more active by saying “he saw”)
- Like the sentence “There was a door in the corner of the room.” Instead show us what that doorway in the corner of the room was doing (i.e. a doorway loomed in the corner of the room; a doorway in the corner of the room beckoned to be entered, etc.).
- “Seemed to stop beating” could simply be “his heart stopped” (we know it didn’t stop but this is more dramatic. - pick out a phrase that is more powerful and use it.
- Or “Skin was ice cold” - don’t tell us, show us.

- Others to consider making more active:
- ...there was a crisp snap...” - eliminate “there was”
- “Only trembled mildly.” - Perhaps just say “trembled”
- “He began to scream” - make it immediate - “he screamed”

All in all - choose the phrase that is more powerful (for example, which is more powerful for the reader - “he began to scream,” or “He screamed.”

3 - Which brings me to a third observation: Give the inanimate objects life. It can be done - furnture can stand guard, doorways can loom, clothes hanging from chairs can taunt. Whatever works for you, let the objects speak an interact with the character and therefor the reader as well.

4- Nice job of sequencing - you brought the reader into the tale with the dream and then explained who, what, where and when, etc. afterwards to avoid bogging down the flow of the story. Also, it is hard to tell a story in flashback - can be easy to lose no immediacay - but you did this well.

Nice job of creating mood and depth of character. This story is a good one, keep it up. Hope my comments (and that is all they are - not absolutes) help.







Third - give the inanimate objects life



The dream sequence was a little hare to understand.
“Until there was a crisp snap.” Twisted until the knob snapped in place.
Only trembled mildly. Trembled mildly or just trembled - which is more powerful?
The firm had been mentioned no “it” - never use pronouns in place of actual nouns.
I was young and stupid - istn’t this an understatement?
the story started for me in paragraph 14 when he is confronted by the affair. Maybe you don’t want to hear this but some of the beginning should go.
Good sequencing - brought the reader into the tale and then explained who, what, where and when.

Hard to tell a story in flashback - no immediacy or don’t lose the immediacy.

His stride was easy - don’t tell us, show us the easiness of his stride as he tread lightly over the carpet without pause.

Could see - was... there was...
There was a door in the corner of the room - instead show us what that doorway in the corner of the room was doing...a doorway loomed in the corner of the room beckoning to be entered...give the inanimate objects life.

Seemed to stop beating. Skin was ice cold

I’m not going to focus on the active, just the passive.

He began to scream - make it immediate - he screamed - which is more powerful?
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Review of The Blue Apple  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very well done. Short on verbiage but long in imagry and allowing to be read between the lines. The fairy tale is difficult to write (I am assuming this would be the category for this story if asked). Has to be to the point; has to have respect for the reader by not explaining too much and instead believing in the reader’s intelligence; cannot come on strong; should not be preachy, and most importantly, must stay with the reader long after the tale is read.

This story achieves these goals admirably. None of it was overpowering and although you left us with a definite moral, there seemed plenary to contemplate later after putting the tale down. I think the ending was fine, but did have the one “preachy” line in the tale - “just like everyone else, he didn’t really care.” You may want to revise so that it is left for the reader to come to that conclusion rather than tell them what the narrator thinks.

Of course, this suggestion is just that, a suggestion. Don’t take it as gospel because this is your story to do with what you please, and a nice one it is.

Recommendations: If you haven’t already, check out Phillip Pullman’s (of The Golden Compass fame) non-fiction stuff on fairy tales or stories by Charles DeLint. Jack Zipes also writes a long history and non-fiction study on fairy tales.

So, good luck and get this story out there - it is worth it.
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Review of The Marshal  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well done. The story moves really well with good action that was easy to follow. Very clean writing, which makes reading easy and not cumbersome for the reader.

I have a few comments and suggestions that may help.

When telling us “She was the picture of action” that is exactly what the narrator is doing, “telling” not “showing”. You described her features well, but didn’t really “show” us how those features were a picture of action
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“Her boyish face never looked more feminine.” Again the narrator is telling us not showing us. Show us how her face is “boyish” and then show us how it suddenly turns “feminine”.

“Her nimble feet skipped.” Although this is active voice, I think it may be “inderect” action. Also, again you are telling us she has nimble feet, not showing us. Maybe try, “Her feet skipped nimbly.” This makes the sentence more directly active while also showing us she has nimble feet, rather than telling us.

When Sam crosses the street after talking with Dawson, the scene changes abruptly to Dawson’s point of view. Sudden POV changes can be distracting and confuse the reader. The only reason it seems that this POV change is in the story is to tell the reader something that you as the writer could not figure out how else to say from her POV. Maybe take a second look at this to see if it should be stricken or modified to show the reader what Dawson believes to be true.

“...as if studying the waning orange glow.” - This is passive voice. Try just stating something like: “...studying the orange glow.” Or “...as he studied the waning orange glow.”

“....become a throb.” Again this is passive. Try just stating what happened - “...made the tightness of her chest throb.” (I.e. Active Voice).

Finally, when the Marshal says, “I don’t get paid to keep the peace.” I’m not sure I get his meaning. Because that is exactly what a “lawman” does. If he says he doesn’t get paid to keep the peace, do you as the writher know what he as a character believes instead? If you don’t know, then the reader will not know. This may be a bit “quippy” but I just didn’t get the line. And even though I think I understand what you were trying to say, I don’t think I agreed.

All in all this was a very good tale. Much more than an average read. The reader is aware that a talented writer composed this and spent many an hour refining. Nice job. (BTW - feel free to toss any of my comments that you don’t agree with. This is your story and your vision. Good luck with the contest.
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Review of The Hunter  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very well written. Dialogue can be difficult but when done right can convey the story without a lot of exposition. You have handled this admireably. The two characters keep the reader moving from sentence to sentence and wanting more. Nice job.

I have a few thoughts:

First, you may not want to hear this, but I think the prologue and the first four paragraphs of Chapter 1 can go away. For me, the story really begins with the paragraph that starts: “Pulling the covers from her body...”

Perhaps weave the prologue portion and the first four paragraphs into the events as they unfold in the present tense. Maybe let the characters tell the reader about all that with dialogue, as you have proven to accomplish so well. The prologue seems to me all “Tell” and not enough “Show”. When the action begins with the character leaving the bed is where for me, the story picks up momentum.

I wouldn’t worry too much about preamble efforts. I know it may be hard to delete all that work. But, fear not, readers catch on quickly and appreciate the journey of figuring things out inside the characters body so to speak.

One more thing - The prologue is in first person and the story is in third person, thus the two may not fit as a narrative device (i.e. is the person of the prolouge one of the third person characters? Can be a bit confusing)

All that being said, this is your tale and you should make the decisions regardless of any of us out here that offer so called advice. Bottom line: The story is good, and the journey the characters are about to take on is worth telling. Nice work and good luck.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Very nice. Very original idea of the potion. This could also work as a tale describing the vampire taking each separate dose to experience the differing transformations. But the story that you have is wonderful as-is. A few items below to consider:

- “Good day,” the man began - “began” is a bit off because he didn’t just begin talking.

- ...after the sun had gone down - This is somewhat passive voice. Perhaps something like: “after night fell” or “after the sun fled the sky”

- There was a loud knock - Again, I think this is passive. Perhaps something akin to “A knock sounded.”

- These are probably poor examples and too generic, but the key here would be to use action words in place of phrases that rely on words like “had” or “was”. Remember to show don’t tell.

One more note: Perhaps add a quick sentence describing a reflection by the character as to which one he should choose and why before he makes his ultimate decision.

All in all, very well done. The above considerations are only suggestions and may not fit into the themes you are trying to convey. You are the ultimate judge of what should be added or deleted.

Good job. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Review of The Umbrella  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This was a pleasure to read. Very good at presenting the scene and the five senses felt by the characters. The pace was right on and the writing was smooth and clear. The mystery of the phone calls worked well to correspond with the guilt felt by the narrator. I may be slow, but I’m not quite sure I got the ending reference to the umbrella. I will think on that. I imagine this tale went through a lot of harrowing work sessions and drafts in order to get to this polished product. If not, and it only took you a few times to get this far, I am very jealous.
Nice job and keep it up.
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Review of Love's a Racket  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Truthfully, the tennis vernacular seemed unimportant to me. The tale moved very quickly and it did not stop me from reading further or take me out of the story. So, nice job. The ending was perfect. For improvements maybe develop the characters a bit more. I know that would increase the word count if you were trying to keep it short. If you would like to keep it short, maybe make it a slice of life short that takes place in the immediate present and allude to the downhill spiral of her husband. Also, in my mind a baseball bat to the head is perhaps overkill (no pun intendedd) for a husband who shatters a tennis racket. But, that simple thought opens up many others. Maybe it is too much. Maybe she is not the nice one after all in your surprise ending. If that is not the route you want to take, I recommend you give her more of a reason to fight back as she did.

Bottom line: this tale is worth exploring further. Keeping it short with that ending really works well, just explore who the two protagonists are a bit more and I would say you have a winner. Of course this is your tale, and you are the ultimate gatekeeper of what happens, so all the above is only one fellow writer's opinion. I liked it and would love to read more of your stuff. Good luck.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Nice little tale. It sure keeps the reader's attention. Has good conflict, a bit of mystery and emotion. I enjoyed being introduced to these character. A few comments below;

- Really liked the line "Radio talked softly..." gave a good multiple images in one simple sentence.

- A few passive voice sentences: "All I could think about was the night..." / "About to speed up." / "Was about to move forward". Perhaps replace phrases like "All I could...", "about to...", "was about to...:" with description showing the reader those events in real time with verbs. Instead of "was about to speed up..." try something that shows us how he is about to speed up - something like: "thinking I would speed up, my foot instead eased up on the gas."

- A few grammar mistakes. But nothing that can't be fixed.

- "My sharp stare turned into a nervous look" - Again a bit passive. This description tells the reader what is happening rather than showing us.

- The conflct that begins between the characters is good. Gets the reader to contemplate how they would react if put in a similar situation.

- Maybe the narrator's reaction to the mother is a bit too suddenly antagonistic and scary to the child at first. Perhaps ease the character into the ultimate response.

- A few tense issues.

- Would they really sleep during the storm you are describing with a stranger driving right after a near accident?

Overall this was very worth the read. With a bit of clean-up and polish will be even better. Hope this helps. Good luck.
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Review of New Life  Open in new Window.
Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Good overall story. Not offensive, but presented as a slice of life tale, albeit not your typical slice of life, so to speak.

Good first paragraph, speaks of place and event and immeidaley grabs our attention, and right away we are given the notion that the character has empathy by not really blaming the cops that killed him. Maybe add some smells and sounds.

Had a good ending and those are hard to come by.

Overall, needs some polish and you should run a spellcheck. But, this is worth an additional draft to clean it up a bit. Good luck.
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Review by JayDee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is very good as a simple story let alone a non-fictional piece. You handled the tragedy well, letting the reader be struck by events rather than to tell the reader how to feel. Do you think this deserves I sequel? I do.

NIce job.
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