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Review by highlander1745 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Beth,Yahshua ,Jesus is the greatest .I f I were to say anything I would say the content was good but flawed theologically and the presentation could do with a little tweaking.
For example there is no record of Christ being cursed by his direct kinfolk ie his mother,his stepfather Joseph,orhis brothers. An alternative you may consider in the first couplet and the second line is "cursed by sinful men" which as I see it would preserve your meaning and take away any idea that his close family members were against him in some way. I t WAS abattle too over flesh and blood that he fought so that we could fight the bad things our flesh helps us to commit. His victory over sin was spiritual and physical for we are both too.
The next couplet could in my view in its first line be improved by substituting " the keys" for spiritual.
The reason I also say this is that sometimes your line lengths are a little bit too long so they disturb the flow of the narrative.
The next couplet I would suggest amending could say "An innocent Lamb sacrificed and shamed,Not His sin to atone for,his flesh He had tamed."
For the next couplet I am afraid I would suggest changing it maybeto something like this forty days,forty nights fasted,prayed to His Father, with hunger and lonelinness ,for us He was bothered.. In the next couplet I would suggest leaving out the "though"in the first line and in the next line saying "Satan begone... instead .
Forthe next couplet Iwould add another crucify in the line and its perfect there.Beautiful and well done.For the next couplet I would be tempted to put something like "With no curse or hurt and then your words from "though... onwards
and taking out the word them also and you have a problem in the next line where you say Jesus was calm but that would not be true since the bible says He suffered
so it would be better to take that out and say He was silent as for instance something like "But He remained silent though he heard what was said."
For the next one I would suggest something like .From saying,"IIt's finished" He gave up himself, Forthree days He went down to all depths of hell"
The next couplet too is problematic,I would suggest somethng on the lines of
Satan's doors were all shaken and He was embattled,and Christ took his keys and now Satan was ratlled .
Next couplet I would suggest He beat Death,He beat Hell,beat the grave,paid the price,freedom for us for sin,a perfect sacrifice. thenext couplet and the last.I would suggest the battle is won but the War not complete
Until Jesus again on Mount Olives sets foot .
Beth I never meant to rewrite your poem and have only suggested other ways.I just hope you enjoy eading over the review such as it is and I want to thank you for writing it.Igive it five stars,the highest award I can give..InChrist David
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