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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hikari
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39 Public Reviews Given
177 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm an editor in the physical world, and I will bring the same professionalism to reviewing your work. I am open to both fiction and non-fiction at all levels of the writing process. I start big with general impressions on what I liked and didn't and where ideas blossom or blather, then I offer a style and voice review with suggestions, and also point out more technical grammar and punctuation errors I find. I'm always open to having a conversation and really working with an author.
I'm good at...
Technical grammar and punctuation, Rhythm and flow of a narrative, Point of View, Positive feedback, and Constructive suggestions
Favorite Genres
Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Horror, and Drama
I will not review...
Erotica for the most part. Romance stories with the occasional physical scene are okay, though. GLBT love stories are welcome.
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Worthless  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I too kept a journal and wrote down all the feelings I had about abandoning friends and growing isolation. It's important to remember raw emotions like that and channel them into a form you can share with others. You don't want to take a page, pick the best (most poetic) parts, and hit Enter every thought or two or just to break up a sentence. This reads like it came straight from a journal without being channeled through a poet's lens for meter and rhythm. "Say" in the third stanza should be "says," and with so many staccato and fragmented thoughts, not every line needs to be punctuated.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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2
Review of The Fire Inside  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I don't have a clear vision in my mind of what "fire" is here and what its purpose is. I like that you are striving for more poetic imagery and the rhythmic pattern you are creating (For stanza 4, line 1, cut out "of the" to make it more concise.) but I'm a little lost on its overall meaning.

When I hear "the fire within" it invokes a person's passion. Seeing only smoke means it's a smoldering fire waiting to flair, or like hot coals, there's beauty in a slow burn. The way you have smoke/flame contrasted, I don't know what you mean when you can see it some days but not others? Passions + day/night = hidden love?

Your second stanza doesn't follow your first. Fire doesn't wait. Fire burns. It doesn't wait for walls to crumble, it slowly cooks them until they fall or become too dangerous to fall. Is it something like, your inner rage is slowly eating away at the walls you've built between yourself and others and you're afraid of the day it is unleashed?

Burning paper as metaphor, the fear of loosing yourself to your smoldering rage, a phoenix of ash not renewal, YES! But there's no reason for the fires to be growing dimmer. Is no one stoking them? What's going on?

These are all good ideas, but I've been extrapolating my own thoughts. None of this is clear or subtly used (depending on what you're going for) in this poem. Consider really thinking about what you want the flames to be and shape your poem's vision around that. Is fire a good thing? Bad? Dangerous? Renewing, or something to be feared?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Different Worlds  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is my favorite of your poems so far. Sometimes rhyming couplets can be doggerel, but here you combine the rhyme with the rhythm. The repetition of that opening phrase returns us again and again to the same idea, the same heartache, only with a new twist. There is more going on in this poem, and you can feel the layers of abandonment, outsider, pop culture, shallow idols. Like you're the one person in your grade who doesn't like Bieber because you want more substance in your music and you're shunned for it.

Take a look at the last line in the third stanza, as it's meter is a little off from the rest of the poem, but otherwise I think it's a nice poem.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Clutter  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Generally with two stanzas set like this, one is the question and the other its response. There is a relationship between the two that links them, and while kind of like the bridge in a song where there is a slight change in structure or tone, this second stanza doesn't act like that; it isn't a key change to the first. It also goes off track toward the end without relating clutter/mess(?) to love/lust, which is randomly included.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story is haunting and beautiful. It is written in an interesting style, though there were a few awkward phrasings that jarred me as a reader. Nothing bad or wrong, just different, giving it a very high literary feel.

I liked the symmetry of the story, though I started with a vague feeling in the first two paragraphs of what it was about. It’s okay to drop a little setting in the beginning. Mention France and D-Day plus 6. It’s an emotional response you’re charting, and that can be what you hold back and resolve in the end. You can hold off how she feels about the baby (Scarlet letter parallels) and have that be the emotional question and resolution of the story.

Great overall, though.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Allison's Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I’ll send along an email with some more specific details for editing notes, but overall, I like this first chapter. The revenge plot is well used to establish characterization, and you weren’t too heavy handed with quick/easy establishment of Allison’s back story. You have a great grasp of dialog and pacing. You used your clauses well, though I would caution you when rewriting to look back and read every comma as a breath and every period as a verbal “Pause.” It’ll help get the grammar right, and improve your pacing structure even more.

That opening paragraph could use a little tweaking, but that’s just a feeling of one person, and every first paragraph always needs tweaking. I like introducing the monumental SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY that gets overlooked because of events, but you could maybe hold off on that and put the late night description first. My best advice is to write three different ways for Allison to be startled away and draw what you like best from the attempts.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Uppity  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I was thinking time traveler history lesson at the beginning, and I was pleased with the ending. This is a nice little SF story and a joy reading. It is completely self-contained with all the questions of identity and being of a Phillip K Dick story.

There are many cases of poor punctuation, especially were dialog is concerned. A good way to learn how to punctuate dialog is to look at a published novel and study where commas, periods, and capitals are used, or study the corrections I’ll send you in an edited story attachment. It is important to use periods where a sentence ends, even in dialog. People naturally speak in fragments. Using periods instead of commas creates the staccato rhythm of casual human speech. It will also be easier when you want to change the tempo and rhythm to longer, more rambling speech in the future.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
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Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is solid short sf/horror at its best. The consequences are a direct result of the characters’ actions, and like good short fiction, it alludes to a larger world beyond the story.



There are some typos that are easily corrected, and some style notes to be considered:

Consider revising some moments of repetition. The first three sentences are exactly the same: a short statement with an -ing clause modifyer offering more description. A quick way to vary your sentences would be to make the third one active: "His platoon mates laughed down at him from above at his misfortune."

However, repetition is a good choice when dealing with attributions. Because of it’s other common use in language, having “ejaculated” as a fancy way of saying “said” creates a sudden stop for the reader. “Said” is an invisible word that readers use to identify speakers and then move on. It’s okay to use “responded Lawton” or “said shakily” every once in a while, but every homonym draws attention to itself. I recommend using “said Kwitowski” here because you already have creative context in the first sentence of the paragraph and ending clause. You can heighten those descriptions by just having “said.”

The beginning paragraphs don’t quite set the scene enough. Use a little more description to place Orlov in a pit in the first or second paragraph. Leading into the story, we don’t know if Orlov is in a deep trench, a sewer, a sing hole, or a trap. A little more context could lend further emotion to how Orlov feels about being in a hole.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Way, Part 2  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I cannot get over how well done your story is. I absolutly love it! Your realistic characters, setting, and lifestyle propell your active writing.

Travis W. Herring had created a thrilling fantasy that could have come right out of Japanese lore. it is a fantastic read for anyone interested in the culture or literary genere.
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Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)

Your poem reminds me of similar works of German romanticism. And I love German romantic poetry.

Your description of the night is beautiful and your candlelight endearing. I like how you link it at the end with dreaming.

It was really pretty and easy to see. Great job.
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Review of two gods  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oooo... This is a nifty little poem. I like how you brought your two gods into the world. They're not just spiritual, supernatural beings. There is a human-ness to their viewing of the world.

Great deeper meanings and a wonderful story/poem form.

Awesome!
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Review of The Way, Part 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"Rake the sand properly and clean clean up." I do think you meant only one ‘clean’.
That, and that alone, mistake I could find.
Your writing flows with the grace of the story. Your characters come alive. I have only seen multi lingual usage like this in (good) fan fiction. It is absolutely amazing. I couldn’t stop reading and I can’t wait to read more. This is written at a level most writers dream of achieving. A poetry of prose. I can’t stop praising it.
Wonderful job.
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Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Your imagery is amazing! I adore this piece. You would think that a simple rhyme scheme would hinder the progression of the poem, but it keeps it flowing and the reader on track. Great job!
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Review of The Ring  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I have always been in awe at people who write micro-stories, because it’s a skill I personally do not have. It was easy to follow, straight, and to the point. I would say to add a little description and meat to it, but that would be contradicting to the micro-story, now wouldn’t it?
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Review of God's Creation  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've been reading your stuff, and I like the style of Poems you write. Your titles run as more of a theme and description of all the things you describe (most beautifuly in my opinion) in your poem.
v. good and v. pretty.
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Review of Apnean Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Funky Scribbles Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That was so sad. Especially when they keep his consciousness alive like that to pray off his corpse. What a cool and twisted ending.

Very well written. When slipping in a proper noun, a comma is a fundamental necessity.
"Good evening Mr. Dean." Should be... "Good evening, Mr. Dean."
"I guess that would be the hospital Victoria." Should be... "I guess that would be the hospital, Victoria."
A new clause means a comma is required.

Keep up the great work!
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