Hello,
I really liked this. You are consistent with the structure and keep every verse in its own subject matter, I felt this made me enjoy the poem more because I absorbed the mood and feeling in each verse which heightened these in the next one. You separated the sentences which again heightens by emphasizing. I like the overall subject and its a poem which takes you somewhere. It is something every artist can relate to! The repetition of feeling at the beginning of the verses could be changed for a better effect - maybe *hearing the breath..*.
Write on!
Marianna
Hello,
I thought it was a very good story that keeps the reader hooked. Do you have a second part?
I like that you kept it simple and in short paragraphs. Perhaps you could have explained more of her feelings before the dialog starts, there seems to be not many aside from the spider. It was fun to read and very intruging. I congradulate your imagination :)
Good work, thumbs up.
Marianna
Hello,
Its a nice short piece, nicely rounded at the end. I like the subject matter, it reminds me of my own experience. It has a lovely tone to it.
I thought that you set the scene very well and put across the image of him with skill.
Enjoyed reading it :)
Marianna
Hello,
I thought that your tone was drawing and that the way you described Fredarica was highly encapsulating. Unforetunatly I could not bring the end of your story. Of course this is your story and you may create any such settings as you like, however I would like to say being of Turkish descent and having to study Ottoman history throughout my school years, that it would have been very unlikely that Ottoman pirate ships were attacking coasts of spain, because Naval supremacy was very undeveloped during Ottoman years and they were mostly dominant in the medditeranean seas rather than the south atlantic ocean as the British Naval force was quite dominant in those parts. I have to say that I have respect for your work as you are at a very wise age and compared to you I have a long way to go.
Thank you and sorry if any offense was caused.
Marianna
Hello,
I agree with what you are saying, that communism is an ideal way of governing but when put into to theory it always fails. I like that you have shown communism as not a mistake but a neccesary stepping stone for a better government. You could have gone into more detail regarding the points you make. And perhaps quoted from the book you mentioned to make it more interesting. Good Read. Keep posting.
Mariana
Hello,
I have read this twice now. I like that the begginig carries you through the confusion of the charecter but this is relieved (to the readers content) halfway through the chapter by how the charecter ended up in the setting. I thought it was fun to read gave me a giggle at the part where you wrote "couldn’t they have given me the medicine before they decided to realign my limbs?"
The tone is conversational and suitable to the age I imagine our charecter to be.
The only thing I wonder is how you will be able to reslove the language conflict without involving a time lapse. But perhaps this will be explained by the many magical powers you put the foundations of in the first chapter.
These are only my views as a reader.
Looking forwards to the second chapter.
Marianna
Hello,
I thought that the completeness in your poem was great. By this I mean how you went back to the start. To me it felt like a story of the end result. I thought the second verse was nice. I can tell it is a heart felt poem and it relates to experiences i have had. For my criticism i would like to say, although i dont know if it was on pupose, that you could have been more careful with your spelling especially in you heading. Also I feel that you could have submerged the third and fourth verse in one and made it even more beautiful as there is repetition of the same rhymes in boths.
Hikaye
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