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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hj_han90
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3 Public Reviews Given
3 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by hj_han90 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there!

Just returning the favor for your kind review of my non-fiction piece. :)

I enjoyed reading this short little piece, especially since we are in the middle of the World Cup -- I've been really into cheering for both the U.S. team and the Korean team (my heritage country)!

There is no hockey team near where I grew up (Kansas) but I've always enjoyed watching games. Hockey is such a fast paced and fun experience!

My only suggestions are for a few commas here and there, for example:

I’m not a great sports fan[,] but living in Canada ...

As the clock ticks down on the third period my heart is always in my throat[,] wondering if they can keep the opposing team ...

Overall, a lovely read! Thanks!
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Review by hj_han90 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

This is my review of your piece.

I like the flashback mechanism that starts the story, as we now know that there is a history and past between the two characters. It's also interesting how the story is directly addressed to "you" (Myra). I'm not 100% sure how I feel about this, as it's both an interesting stylistic choice, but also creates more distance between the reader and the Ru, as if we're an outsider to the story as opposed to being "in" the story, if that makes sense...although I think it's ultimately up to you!

Overall, you do a good job keeping the tension up in the story and making the reader feel Ru's anxiety.

My main suggestion for improvement...is about the dialogue punctuation. Perhaps you're from a country that does this differently (and forgive me if you are!), but at least in standard U.S. style, the period goes inside the quotation marks. For example:

"Hello Ru… I'm… sorry I missed you. I'll call you tonight. Uhh… it's Myra"[.]

The period in brackets should be INSIDE the quotes, instead of outside.

Also, when you transition from narration to dialogue, there should be a punctuation mark. For example:

I manage to clear my throat and speak[]“Myra? It's really you? Are you okay? Is everything alright?”

Where the brackets are, there should be a period (or a comma, depending on whether or not "speak" is a tag or not).

Hope that helps...just a small stylistic change that will assist your reader to follow your dialogue more closely. :)

HJ
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