\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hjohnston
Review Requests: OFF
41 Public Reviews Given
80 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Lux Eterna  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My name is Haley and I will be reviewing your entry for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. While this review is part of the judging process, it is not the deciding factor in who places in a round.


Word Count: 558 *Thumbsup*

Prompt: The prompt is used in the story, but until the end, seems a little vague. Four of five senses were used in the entry, although, I feel that two of them were more in passing.

Errors/Suggestions: Ah, here comes the pickiness. When you are describing a sensation such as a smell or a sound, try to avoid using those words. "She smelled...", "She heard...." I think if you can find a way to add the sense to the story without using them it is more showing vs telling and makes the story stronger. There is a little bit more to this below.

*Checkg* chocked should be choked.
*Checkg* "The full smell of autumn leaves was all around her..." The problem I see here is that the descriptions are more telling. If you described the scents, rather than just saying this is what she could smell, you entry would have much more depth.

Favorite Part: "...but her anger melted away at the sight of the man’s blue eyes." Ah... blue eyes... hee hee

Overall Impression: You have a good start here. I like the story. With just a little bit of polishing, it could be amazing! Great Job!



Thank you for your submission. Winners will be posted by 11:59 pm WDC time on Sunday.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
2
2
Review of Warmth  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My name is Haley and I will be reviewing your entry for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. While this review is part of the judging process, it is not the deciding factor in who places in a round.


Word Count: 388 *Thumbsup*

Prompt: The prompt is a clear and central part of this entry. Four of five senses used. Great job!

Errors/Suggestions: You have a few things that repeat throughout the story. By the end of it, the word 'tree' stuck out like a sore thumb. If you could replace some of them it would strengthen your story a lot. I'm not too sure about the beginning. I like the visual it gives, but I think it would be better if it were later in the story.

*Checkg* "“Forever yours,” the winds kept on." I like the first time you used this, but I think you could have changed this. I'm pretty picky about tags added to quotes. I don't like when they repeat, even when they aren't by each other. You might change it to something like 'the words echoed again, encouraging my anger.' Something like that would fix the repetition while giving the reader more at the same time.
*Checkg* One other thing I thought of. The idea with any story is making it believable. Now, I can see this guy possibly being delusional, but that isn't the problem. The smell of the earth and leaves is there, even the sulfur, but what is being used to burn the tree? Trees soak up a lot of water and don't exactly start on fire with just a match.

Favorite Part: "The flames tapered wildly, the way her red hair blew in the wind."

Overall Impression: You have beautiful descriptions here. They are so marred by the tragic tale. It made me glad to see the twist from sweet innocent tale, to one of deceit and betrayal. I only have one question. How did she die? I know, not really important, but still...



Thank you for your submission. Winners will be posted by 11:59 pm WDC time on Sunday.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review of Seasons of Life  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
My name is Haley and I will be reviewing your entry for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.. While this review is part of the judging process, it is not the deciding factor in who places in a round.


Word Count: 717 *Thumbsup*

Prompt: I like how you incorporated everything into this autumn prompt. There is an amazing visual here. I was impressed that you managed to get all five senses into this scene! Great Job!

Errors/Suggestions: The one thing I noticed most that could be improved is your use of "she could," "she thought," and "she would." These are easy phrases to repeat many times and most people wouldn't even notice it. Many times the sentence is stronger without them. I think the first paragraph needs to be reworded a little differently, also. I like the part about the blue jays, but if you could condense it, you wouldn't be repeating the words so much. It could probably become one sentence to be used elsewhere in the entry.

*Checkg* I know I already said something about the number of shes attached to specific phrases, but I also noticed how many sentences start with she. If you added a preposition to the beginnings of some of the sentences, it would take care of that.
*Checkg* "their sing song “thief, thief, thief” when she walked..." I think there needs to be a comma before and at the end of the quotes here. Don't hold me to that, though. Commas aren't my strong suit.

Favorite Part: I really can't pick a favorite part in this entry. You did an amazing job.

Overall Impression: Great story! You have some amazing descriptions here. I want to read this piece over and over and think about all my own memories related to all these things. Great Job!


Thank you for your submission. Winners will be posted by 11:59 pm WDC time on Sunday.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this concept. It's very Dr. Jeckle/ Mr. Hyde. Your whole story leads up to this amazing terror of this other personality. The only thing I think you could do to make this better is to have the other calling me back. I think that would make this story GREAT!

Anyway, awesome job. Keep it up! I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
5
5
Review of Twinkle  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Review of Chapter 1

Wow, this chapter has me thrown for a loop. I’m used to a first chapter that hints at something coming? But so far all I know is her parents have died. I don’t know her name or anything! I have mulled this over a bit and I think I actually like that. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?! I need to know!

I actually think that by leaving the reader in the dark you have created interest. Way to go!

I do have a few problems that I have to point out. There isn’t much here as far as setting. I know that she has a dining room and a family room, but there is nothing here about them. The great thing about doing a story in 1st person POV is you can show things to the reader the way the character sees them. It also bugs me that we don’t know anything about what her parents look like. I did notice that you snuck in that Dad and Uncle Domingo were Spanish so I am taking from that they are the typical light skinned and blue eyes. I might be wrong though, and that’s the problem with not giving the reader enough clues.

There aren’t a lot of errors in your writing, so that’s fantastic. I’ll have them pointed out below as I see them. There are a few things in general I wanted to point out here, though. Watch out for the –ly words. Usually they are unnecessary and tend to make a piece flat. Also, try not to reuse any word more than once in the same paragraph. It draws the readers’ eyes to it and keeps them from getting into the story. You don’t want to lose them to a technicality.

I can’t wait to take a look at your second chapter! You’re doing great. Keep it up!


Line-by-Line Details

Mom explained that the difference came down to the core assumptions each field made. She explained that Dad …Try to change one of these to not be ‘explained’. Its immediately noticeable being the beginning of the story.

Every day I would sit, quietly, play with my peas and mashed potatoes and wish for parents who discussed normal things. This sentence confused me. I tried reading it out loud to see if the confusion would resolve itself, but there is just something off about it. You might try rewording it to make more sense.

What was wrong with talking about politics, or Television, or the Price of Gas? Not that my parents didn't discuss these issues as well, but it always turned around and before long they were talking about ethics, and responsibility, and free will. Make sure that you put commas between items in a list longer than 2 items or ideas. I highlighted the places in both these sentences for you.

"But we're not finished with dinner yet, darling." My mother was really into eating at the table together. She felt it was the basis of a stable family. I never got to agree with her while she was alive, but I think she was right about that. I hate to say this, because there is nothing wrong with this paragraph, but it kind of disappointed me to find out they were going to die before they did. It took the surprise away from it. But maybe you didn’t want this to be a surprise?

"Thanks." I said as I was already leaving the Dining Room and rushing to get in front of the TV. I never kissed them goodbye. I just waved without looking away from the screen when they left for the last time. I think it would work better as a comma or semicolon with the last two sentences here.

As I sat watching the emaciated groupies kiss up to the older and wiser skeleton on the screen, I thought,"Why can't I have a normal life like that?" OOPS! You missed the space between thought and “Why”

"We're so sorry to bring you this news." The nice female police officer said as she sat next to me on the Living Room sofa, trying to be comforting. Living room doesn’t need to be capitalized. If it was the name of a place like a club or restaurant then it would be, but rooms in the house don’t need to be.

"I realize it's difficult," The male police officer said, with gentle authority, sure that they were right and I was wrong, A lot of people won’t even notice this little slip, but you need to make sure you are consistent with POV. It will confuse readers after a while when your 1st person narrator starts picking up on what others are feeling. She can’t possibly know that this is what they were thinking. Like I said, a lot of people wouldn’t notice this, but I am the POV police!

"My Mom and Dad are the only family I have here in Connecticut." I whispered. This goes back to my comment on setting. This statement raises a TON of questions. Where in Connecticut are they? What time of year is it? What does it look like? You have to assume that the reader has never been to these places and they have no idea what to expect with this world even when it is the one we live in.

Both the police officers looked at each other with concern, thinking grief had finally overcome my sanity. Here is another POV slip-up. Again, she won’t know what they are thinking and you have to word things carefully to make sure that she is either jumping to some conclusion or that they are actually voicing these concerns with it isn’t something coming from her mind.

"Where is your uncle, uh..." the female police officer hesitated then decided she couldn't pronounce Domingo anyway, "Sunday?" Here is another POV slip. I think you are probably getting the idea by now, so I will stop pointing them out.

and I certainly didn't know it by heart. I think it would be safe to say ‘his number’ rather than ‘it’ in this instance.

"Why?" I asked him, puzzled.

I wasn't even sure what was funny. How I looked in the robe, my hair all messed up from sleep, my eyes puffy from crying, my large pink girlie slippers. They all struck me suddenly as hysterically funny. These sentences should either be one sentence or the first needs to be revised. You could try using a semicolon or a hypen.

But just when I thought I was giving into the urge to laugh, and starting to let it out, it turned on me suddenly and became tears, and then wails, and then tears and wails, and I was Niagara Falls in my living room, and I couldn't stop. I like this part. Along with the previous paragraph, it gives the reader a very good idea of the grief she is feeling. Great job!
6
6
Review of According to Plan  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
First of all, let me just say....




AWWWW!

What a sweet story of young love! You did a great job! I like what you showed in this tale. I saw no grammatical errors in your writing and it even looks like you stayed within the parameters of the contest!

Great job!

*Reading*Review Submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.!!*Reading*
7
7
Review of Last Chance  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Rainbow Madness ~ Reviews and...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Just to warn you, I do very detailed reviews. Any comments I make are intented to help, but they are just suggestions. Feel free to take them or leave them.

PLOT
I get a pretty good grasp of the story you are trying to tell here, but it is still very choppy. It leaves me with an enormous amount of questions. It is possible to tell the story and still have it jump around the way it does. In fact, I enjoy stories that keep me guessing, but you have to plan them carefully. What made Matt break up with her? Why did it seem like everyone was always laughing at her? These are some things you want to consider. The story shouldn't end with the reader still asking questions.

SETTING
The story took place in her home and her school, but that's all I know. I don't know anything else. You want the reader to be able to see where the story is taking place and just telling us the place is too vague. I like to make a list when I do settings, what does it look like, smell like, sounds, etc. Its a really good exercise to just take a place apart using your senses.

CHARACTERS
Demi stood out. Classic teen infatuation mistaken for love. Great stuff. Again, going back to what I said in the plot portion, why did Matt break up with her? What happened there? I think it would do great things for your story to answer that question. Maybe that would make her killing him at the end make sense. Also, one other thing I need to point out: There were no details as to what your characters looked like. Yes, Matt was a football player, but that could mean anything. Is he tall? Fat? Does he have blonde hair or brown? The same thing goes for every character, but especially for your main character.

GRAMMER/SPELLING/DIALOGUE
There were a few places where you missed or added a comma where you shouldn't have. Also a few spelling errors. Some "thought"s when it should have been "though" I won't take up anymore space here by pointing each and every one of them out. My suggestion is to plug your story into a word processor (every computer has one!) and re-read it carefully.

MY POV
You have a gift for telling a story. I was hooked from the beginning and it bums me that I had so many questions at the end. You have a great start here, and you might even consider expanding this short into a longer story. I hope you keep up the great work!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hjohnston