"As she lay the package on her bed" it doesn't fit with the rest of the sentence. It really doesn't.
"Picking the box up," would it work better if it was "Picking up the box"?
Okay lets just try this.
"Picking the box up, she closed the door, speeding to her room, as she lay the package on her bed, her nails growing to sharp talons, ripping the box open, revealing the contents inside, as she held up one item, as her heart did a flip."
Ummm....no.
"Picking up the box, she closed the door and sped to her room. She lied the package down on her bed, and her nails grew into sharp talons. Ripping the box open, she found just what she wanted. She picked up one of the items and held it up. Her heart did a flip."
Wouldn't that work better? And your putting sentences together that really don't need to be together. I really like the idea of the story, every guy deserves something nice like that every now and then.
Your very last sentence:
"Lying on the bed, she waited for her lover to get home from work, to have a night full of surprises he wouldn't get any sleep."
"Lying on the bed, she waited for her lover to return from work so they could have a night full of surprises. She felt sorry for him though, she knew he wouldn't get any sleep tonight."
You should think through your thoughts before you write them down. It's just...just I don't know how to explain it. You have to think about what you want to write, but re-word it multiple times to see what fits best. And you don't need sooo many commas in this thing okay? There are sentence's in this that make very little sense with the one it's attached to. And if that's what you want try using a ; instead. Hope this helps and sorry if I sounded rude. Didn't mean to, just well yeah. Have a good day and work hard to get better with your writings.
In a way, this is really sweet yet scary at the same time. lol sorry sorry sorry no offense is meant to be given. But I like how it's written but sorry, what's a Gypsy Madonna? Never heard of it so yeah..and if it was a black angel, would it be a fallen one or a corrupted one? They are two very different things in my imagination so I'm just wondering again. Sorry. Anyways, how did he get in if you're sorta locked in there? Steal a key or something? Sorry sorry. I'm a very apologetic person...so yeah. Anyways, I like this one. It makes sense. Good job :)
Okay then, with this shadow, is it suppose to be like a phantom or a person cause when you said
The bed creaks and moans in unwelcome eagerness,
as you feel his icicle rod, thrust deeply within releasing you.
Against your loathing and yearning.
It sounds like a man is doing this. No offense, I'm just not sure. Other than that I really like how you've written it. It gave me a bit of goose bumps to tell the truth. So, yeah, it's really good lol :) Good job
Whoa, just whoa. This really makes a lot of sence. People don't understand anything about a person they do not know, so why hate him or her? It's just a waste of energy to do such a thing. And the questions that were asked to why the crowd hated him just made me shiver. Really. It makes me think of why I hate people who have done nothing but really mess with me in not nice ways, and why they do it. They cannot answer the questions because they have no answer to them. It's just like how humanity is now. Just damn. And side note (no offense) shouldn't the part of MAN BEATEN TO DEATH BY ANGRY MOB be in " " those things? Just a suggestion is all. But I really like it to say the least. Good job :)
This made we want to cry a bit. I've lost both of my grandmothers due to cancer, not sure if that is how (no offense is given) you lost yours but I felt like my own grandmother would have sent me a letter like this. You're a good writer and I don't think that you should change it. Just in my opinion to be honest. I hope things go better for you in the future. Good luck with more of whatever you want to write and post up here. :)
I really like how you've written this poem, but did you need to repeat the same two lines at the end of each stanza? No offense or anything, just wondering.
The last stanza I like the most. It just gave me a feeling that I'm really going to end up going to this dark place with no choice. But in some of the stanza's not just those two lines sorta make a person feel like they're not sure if it's going to be hell or heaven. With the white light that you state, it sorta throws off the fact it's a dark poem and such. Again, no offense is given in this.
Anyways, I enjoyed reading it a lot. You write very well, so keep it up please. :)
Honestly, I really like your idea. but when you use "Why can it catch me? I panic" Wouldn't it be better, (sorry) if you used "When will it catch me?" And exactly where are you running from?
Maybe you can take away two of the Away's. Even if you have three, it can be just as affective as only having one. No offence.
I really like your use of your sences in the poem, I get alot of what you're trying to say.
Panting, gasping, running
Away. Away. Away.
Eyes wide
Fear, ravaging my body.
Neurons firing a million a second,
sending sirens, warning, to the billowy
degradation and desperation gnawing in my gut
I can see the fear in your eyes from what ever you are running from, the feeling of something gnawing at you and hearing sirens. It's really caught my attenchin. Hope you like what I've said. Thanks.
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