1st paragraph: I'm not sure about that last sentence. It feels bulky. Is there a way to trim this up a bit?
2nd paragraph: My husband likes to say, "Commas are for clauses, not for pauses." A few too many commas here! :)
4th paragraph: I don't know about the focus on dominant paradigm. It almost feels like a buzzword here, and I think the phrasing could be cleaned up to make it feel more readable.
I feel like you've missed a lot of the point when you talk about the freedom of religious speech, especially when you mention the Scopes Trial. There have always been restrictions on the freedom of teachers and instructors who are employed by the government, due to the Establishment Clause. This isn't an issue of freedom of speech, but of the Establishment Clause as it pertains to government institutions (including schools).
You need to be more specific in describing what you refer to as "traditional marriage". Arguably, marrying a concubine, polygamy, and same-sex unions have been around as long as (or longer) than heterosexual, lifelong monogamous pairings. Using terms like "traditional marriage" (which is inaccurate and misleading) is dishonest.
You mention a couple of times, "In the experience of this writer," or, "In my experience." What makes your experience unique or valuable? Do you have some special qualifications that make your experience particularly useful? You should mention those qualifications; it helps to boost credibility.
If this is intended as an academic exercise, it falls short. It's entirely too personal for an academic piece, but the prose and readability make it too dense and difficult to read for a personal experience piece. I think that you should take some time to think carefully about whether this is intended to be a personal experience piece or an academic exegesis.
One final note that I think bears repeating: "Freedom of Speech means that no matter how strongly someone else believes their beliefs and expresses them to the world, I have the same right to strongly believe my beliefs and express them to the world, too." While I don't disagree with your final conclusion (although I think it could be trimmed up a lot), your essay didn't actually seem to support that conclusion. You didn't give a single example of actual censorship, just of people around you who disagree with you and who express their disagreement with you. But there ARE examples of people whose speech has been actively censored, and I would've liked to see some of those examples added here.
I love it! I love the fact that you used phonetic writing in quoting Grand Da, but it was still understandable and quite readable. I also love the theme here. All these stone fences and stone houses, all about making the best of what you have to work with. I also love the rhythm and rhyme that you chose - it really accents the story.
1st line: Should be "a raised umbrella", not "an raised umbrella".
3rd line: I would get rid of the word "either" - it messes up the rhythm and it's unnecessary.
5th line: The rhythm is off. Perhaps, "all my attempts to advise you were failed tries." That's not totally correct, but it's a little closer, I think.
11th line: LOVE the alliterative final syllables in scandalize, brutalize, and jeopardize.
All in all, I love this poem. The conversation with the ending of the man placing his hand on the headstone... I love it. Almost reminiscent of Langston Hughes. Keep writing! :)
I love this! It's amusing, humorous, and funny, but I absolutely adore the free verse. The juxtaposition of your theme (baiting the "grammar Nazis") with the somewhat chaotic free verse is awesome. I especially like the use of the comma, semicolon, period, parenthesis, and ellipsis, written out in longhand like that. Very nice! :)
4th line - your rhythm is a little off here. What about, "that all about me swirled"?
6th line - Again, rhythm. For example, "and where I'm wanting to be."
2nd verse, 4th line - Again, rhythm. Not sure on this one, but it feels a little stilted.
I'm not entirely sure on this, because I understand these are lyrics. With lyrics, you can play a bit with the rhythm in a way that you can't really do with poetry, so it seems like you have a different rhythm scheme for the 4th and 6th lines than would make sense in a poem. Without hearing the music, I can't say whether it would work in a piece of music.
I'm also not going to be critical on grammar conventions. It's meant to be song lyrics, not a dissertation! ;)
All in all, I like it, although it feels like it would make for a long song. I also kind of wish that you used more expressive language. The topic is emotional, but the language is kind of cliched and not very emotionally expressive.
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