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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hollymerry
Review Requests: ON
1,570 Public Reviews Given
1,624 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Honest and encouraging
I'm good at...
Proofreading for grammar, letting you know which areas of your writing work and which might be improved
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, historical, adventure, sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Murder, horror, erotica
Favorite Item Types
I’m happy to review all types of item
I will not review...
Anything with graphic violence, sexual content or profanity
Public Reviews
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a well thought through and inspiring piece and I agree that altering James Joyce’s original text into a message of perseverance and personal growth makes for a more inspiring story. In life troubles often ultimately bring about a strengthening of character, especially in younger people who learn from life lessons. Although painful at the time, these experiences of dissolutionmemt can be reflected upon as positive. The explanation of the piece feels almost religious in the moment of epiphany described on the boy’s life journey.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This was a complicated and challenging wordsearch and I enjoyed how having the words spelled backwards, and diagnoally backwards, added to the challenge. There were so many relevant Alice in Wonderland themed words and you did an excellent job of disguising them in the wordsearch. The variety made me picture a well laid table with something for everyone and I like hoe Jane Austen and Downton Abbey also made an appearance.
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Review of 12-13 Charm  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Miss Norton is truly terrifying and enjoyed the way that throughout the plot there were increased hints of her sinister, sorcerous nature which made the climax fitting. I especially found the fact that she has taximdermy and porcelain dolls in her office sinister. Her obsession with class made it realistic that she would single out nouveau riche Olivia and Alice for punishment and again this was plotted as a significant element in the story.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This was an enjoyable and realistic family piece and I felt that you had done a great job at conveying the characters through their interactions with each other. The final message about finding magic in the everyday was nice too. I felt as if the imagination of childhood, as well as jokes and modern details like the phone made the story and interesting read and you incorporated the prompt words naturally to shape the story plot.
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5
Review of Spellbound Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This poem is beautiful with a tragic music that makes it feel like a traditional myth from a fantasy land. The enduring theme of unrequited love is added to in an interesting way as the wizard tries to force the girl to love him with a potion but in doing so she loses her character and the vitality he fell in love with. I liked how he decided to break the spell even though it cost him much and she again had her freedom, even if the outcome was tragic for him.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed reading this fascinating piece which would work well as an article or blog post. I had not considered that there might be modern Grail Knights but as I read the application of the term became obvious and the memorable and intriguing idea kept me reading with interest. The piece is motivating and inspiring and I liked how you explained that there can be many types of Grail Knights each aspiring to their individual goal. It is good that you emphasises aspirations that will ultimately leave the world a better place and mentioned how pursuit of such 'Grails' might involve hardship at times. Keeping the goal and higher purpose in mind, as we are reminded by this piece of writing, will ultimately help the 'Knight' on their quest.
I noticed that you mentioned different types of people who might be considered to be Grail Knights in two separate places (search for scientists as an example used in both places). I think that it might be better to find a way to incorporate these examples so that they only occur in one place? You might even consider expanding upon them to create a new category altogether. Perhaps you might add more ordinary examples too e.g. teachers, community and environmental volunteers, positive social media influencers...


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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an incredibly emotive piece and I admired the choice of a young drummer boy as a protagonist as his young life was a poignant contrast to the destruction of war. I also admired the wide and interesting choices of figurative language and vocabulary. The descriptions of nature contrasted with man and God's presence had an impact that reminded me of Romantic literature.
There is a point where you write that 'the soldiers’ spirits faltered, wavering in the shadow of defeat' and later contrast this with the sense of purpose and righteousness that hearing the drum inspires in them: 'In the chaos of battle, they stood once more.' For me, this was incredibly moving and I would advise you to capitalise on this effect even more by including a sentence to two more about the soldiers when they feel defeated. How does this affect their movements? Could you mention how friends and brothers are shot down and the cries of the injured make the soldiers terrified despite Major Johnson's stirring speech?
Towards the end you repeat 'gratitude' across two successive paragraphs and I would recommend finding a synonym for one of these key words so it does not read as repetitive.
I enjoyed how you infused a religious feel into the piece as the men felt they were inspired by God to fight a sacred crusade and had victory. I also felt for the other side who would also be suffering. Might there be a point towards the end where some of the enemy soldiers are inspired to retreat or raise a white flag and come to a truce that ends the fighting peacefully without as many lives being lost as there might have been? The battle described felt as if it was meant to be universal rather than, for example, a specific battle in the American Revolution, so this might be plausible?


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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
The opening line was excellent as it both immersed the reader in the world of the story as if it had always existed and created intrigue with the fantasy names of the Isle of Darkwood and the mention of the enchanted pool and Wild Hunt. Although the line was long I felt the pace was right and it didn't introduce too much information at once.
I have a keen interest in Celtic faerie mythology and as such I loved the references to the Unseely Court, Formorians and Denaans, both of which I recognise from my research into my own fantasy series based upon Celtic folklore. I enjoyed the descriptions of Ylva's otherworldly senses and how they made her sound so in tune with the natural world. It was good that they were so interestingly detailed in the minds of the readers as this foreshadowed the dramatic moment towards the end of the chapter where she fights the monster and then flees. The descriptions of both the monster and the landscape that surrounds Ylva were vivid and full of interest and promise that kept readers wanting to discover more of this exciting fantasy world.

Here are a few minor errors that I picked up as I read:
'families property' should be 'family's property'
'she slide behind' should be 'she slid behind'
I wondered if you meant to put a full stop instead of a comma here since 'All' is capitalised: 'gave one final explosive burst, All the attention was again on the Hyllar ladies.'
I think it is 'ears' here and not 'hears': 'Where her vision may have been limited, her nose and hears picked up everything.'


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Review of The Spark Within  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem feels like a traditional battle song with the short lines and rhyme scheme. I got a clear sense of a great number of foes awaiting the speaker of the poem in a difficult battle and this worked well at creating interest and making me concerned for the brave character as they prepare to face their enemies.
There is no punctuation mark at the end of the poem and I think that perhaps should ellipses might work nicely here to suggest an open ending to the poem where we do not know if the speaker survives or not as he or she heads into battle.
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Review of Jack's Beanstalk  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed the fun, musical beat to this rhyming poem which fitted with a retelling of the Jack and the Beanstalk tale. Jack is less ambitious here and more practical and caring, so it was nice to see how he might have avoided trouble with the giants. I felt immersed in the tale with the various characters, dialogue and Jack's thoughts. If anything I would have enjoyed more description of the Land of Nether but I understand there might have been a line limit for the poem.
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Review of For Ludmilla  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed this loving poem filled with good wishes for a special birthday. The rhyming couplets and short lines give the poem a musical flow that sounds effortless when read out, however I imagine that the poem took some time to construct. I could not find anything to alter about this poem and I hope that Ludmilla was delighted with it.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
What a wonderful story capturing Spike’s character from a puppy to brave and mischievous adult, full of character that brings many good memories. My mum has a dog called Pebbles and I haven’t heard the name for a dog before until I read about Spike’s friend.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
The opening line ‘Father Green frowned’ not only introduced the main character but suggest that he is unhappy about something which is the main point of the plot. The dilemma he faced as the school chose to play down religion was well conveyed and sadly one that is faced in real life. The story left me wondering what would happen next and would make a good opening to a story where Father Green makes efforts to get the pupils on his side to campaign for religion to still play a role in the school.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This eerie piece of writing did a great job at turning around expectations about the character of a hotel as instead of welcoming guests the Bluebird and everything in it shirk this responsibility and are mildly repelling for guests. The name Bluebird was well chosen with its connotations of freedom. I like how there are suggestions that something more sinister or ghostly may be at play but that you did not develop these so that mystery was maintained.
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Review of A Divine Life  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem meaningfully expresses a strong personality. I got a clear sense of how Julia Child struggled and succeeded despite difficulties in her life and was inspirational. The poem inspired me to read more about her and she was so much more than a TV cook. What a fascinating life she had as a secret intelligence officer in WW2 with her first foray into cooking being to create a shark repellent for U-boat use!
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed the inventive format of this poem with the second stanza having a completely different character to the first which made it feel as if it had two speakers — the first young at heart and exuberant and the second more mature and pessimistic as they see the snowfall. The puente poetic form was unusual and it must have been a fun challenge to write to its guidelines. I also appreciated how you included traditional Christmas phrases like Winter Wonderland to set the scene.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi tragic that Muriel’s family seem to have been killed by the orcs! Her grief and hardships are well portrayed here and I liked how she sees the world around her through the lens of her own concerns. For example, events which in the movies were emotional, like the loss of Aragorn and warg fight, are here treated as secondary. I was pleased the woman snd baby were reunited.
When Aragorn, Gimili and Legolas are introduced maybe you might have someone tell her about them in dialogue, perhaps the guard who found her or the woman with the baby? Direct speech here would make it more immediate and interesting.
I also wondered about having Miriel spend time searching the crowd for her family and asking for news.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a fantastic story and I loved how immersed I felt in the world of Rohan as I read it. The homely scene was well described and the relationship of mother and daughter was strong and realistic. I warmed to both characters and I hope one day Miriel will find true love. The introduction of the ring made me concerned knowing of the magical rings of Sauron!
My favourite part was where Miriel wondered how a plain peasant girl in an insignificant village hidden away in the farthest corner of Rohan might find love and the details of her mother having lived in the Golden Hall. Perhaps instead of the everyday opening line some more interest might be created by having her wondering if she will find love and having have Muriel thinking it might be easier to find someone to connect with in Edoras first. Perhaps she is thinking how to ask her mother this and waiting for the right moment as she told to lay the table?
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an incredibly moving and heart-felt poem about the loss of a loved one. The rhyming couplets and stanzas give the poem a traditional feel and I like how the musicality they create gives a sense of flow that mirrors the relentless passage of time which is touch upon in this poem. Well done!
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Review of The Painting  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This story about a haunted painting was truly terrifying and I enjoyed how you built a sense of tension and pace. The mindset of the character was realistically conveyed and you created a clear sense of psychological ream emanating rom the painting. The twist at the end where it returns despite being burned worked perfectly.
The first couple of times you use the word 'mother' you are using it in place of her name and therefore it should be capitalised.
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Review of Unseparated  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This short story was both beautiful, tense and full of a clear sense of the bond some special animals can form with humans. The focus on the human and cat relationship worked well and the setting of the jasmine tree and its ancient powers was evocative. The idea of John coming back from beyond the grave to protect Rosy worked wonderfully.
In the final paragraph you can delete the word 'the' which is added by mistake here: 'the Rosy knew'.
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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked how this chapter opened with a sense of tension and the inciting incident of Thom's death came so soon. I felt like the story was clearly situated into a world which was already developed with characters and a scenarios in mid-action and this was satisfying. You gave readers enough expository information to understand the story amongst the action and dialogue so that the world-building felt natural. The story contains many details that fans of sci-fi will be interested in and promises to be an interesting read.

Some suggestions:
I'd like to know some more details about K'Tran and Thom's appearance. For example, do they look like normal humans and what features do they have that are distinctive to them so that I can picture how they look. Do they have special suits or armed clothing and what do these look like?
The opening sentence was great, I just wondered if it might be more impactful if the smell of starship fuel came last in the listing to make readers more surprised: 'The air in the tunnel was a suffocating mix of damp earth, rot and starship fuel.'
There should be a full stop after said here: 'he said, his whisper seemed as loud as a shout in the cramped confines.'
There is a missing full stop at the end of this sentence: 'spur the Galactic Confederation into taking action'
I'd like to have a little more about K'Tran's thoughts regarding the pursuit of Thring -- do they change as Thom dies? Does he perhaps want revenge and the hunt for Thring turns into a personal vendetta, but then checks himself as he realises that he will have to be canny to keep himself safe as Thring is a powerful and dangerous force unto himself? Something like this would fit with the idea that Jesse will want revenge when he is an adult and needs K'Tran's more sensible help as it seems he might pursue vengeance in a hot-headed way.
I wondered what a warwick is given that it has paws and seems to be a friend to Thom's child. Please add a description of it, plus a little about its habitat and characteristics here.


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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a fabulous story which does a great job of showing, not telling. The world-building details are rich and I loved the fact that Mina connects with the lake and surrounding nature in song as this made a beautiful opening. The details of the Wonderland Circus and quest are exciting and I hope there will be more to this story.
Having Ryan volunteer in the animal sanctuary is a great idea and it's good to have characters like Ryan and Mina doing such worthwhile things to help animals and nature. The sense of connection to nature and their motivation to enjoy time in the natural world are great to inspire younger readers to enjoy the outdoors.

Here are a few suggestions for improvements which I hope will help this story on the way to publication:
I think that a semi-colon would work better here instead of a comma as you go on to give extra information: '...long lost royal powers, the ability...'
I wondered what Mina's avatar looks like in the first sentence and a little detail on this might help readers picture it and add in some world-building.
The part about the mysterious sounds that Mina hears and the birds would work better if you joined the sentences on these subjects into paragraphs as too many short paragraphs can be repetitive for readers and longer ones sometimes work best for related descriptions.
Change the part where Mina's eyes lit up as it is told in first person and she cannot see her eyes unless she glances at her reflection in the lake water. Also where a red tint dusted her cheeks she cannot see this so could either see her face as a reflection or just feel herself blushing.


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Review of My Furry Doormat  Open in new Window.
Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
What a fabulous read full of comic moments -- I loved every minute of it!
I enjoyed the structure of the paragraphs with the second and third ones having a mirrored structure as they focus on the changes Apollo made to the garden and house and end with the rewards of food that he claimed for himself. It was interesting to read that he enjoyed snacking on fruit as my dog did too and used to tell me whenever cherries, strawberries or apples were ripe in the garden.
Apollo is such a cool name for a dog and I would like his name to appear earlier in the story, plus some explanation of why this name was chosen. Apollo is always depicted as athletic, so the name might be ironic given that the dog is a doormat, or link to his artistic sense of aesthetics in rearranging the house and garden!
I think that the sentences about the carpet and remote control should be separated as they cover different antics and the sentence is quite long.
The part about Apollo heading the vet's fan club made me smile! I'd love to know why he enjoyed visiting the vet so much -- was it just that he was super friendly to everyone or did the vet get in his good books by giving him treats?
I don't think you need to mention that Dug is in the movie "Up" twice as readers will remember this from the first mention, so just his name should work okay the second time.


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Review by HollyMerry Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the idea of personifying the clouds as a beautiful lady met for a short space of time before she vanishes. Sometimes the clouds seem to assume shapes in a magical and fanciful way and your poem captures this perfectly. The simplicity of the repetition and single rhyme scheme work well here at capturing the special moment.
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