I like the idea and the simplicity of the concept works well in the flash fiction format. I would have liked to maybe explore further the motivations/emotions behind Arthur. To delve into reasoning. Or, a faster pace at the end of the story would add to tension, maybe if he hid, or you described his hands clawing at the tree as the villagers clawed at him….
Some sentences could be stronger, phrases such as ‘his evil ways’ are a bit artificial, explain or use more emotive language to draw the reader in.
Some of the imagery in this piece is very nice,, in particular sentences such as "A strange hour, when ideas blossom beautifully like flowers, before they wither in the grey dawn", work very well.
However, overall i found the text disjointed and difficult to read. The main idea of the short story, although explained in the title and blurb, seemed somewhat vague by the end. I think if you expand a little, write some more one this and explore the subject a little more it would make for an all-round stronger text.
One thing i think is unnecessary in your writing is the use of brackets. Take these out and explain in the text, have the protagonist note that the clock is stopped, rather than it inserted in within brackets by the author, almost like an afterthought.
Would like to see a longer version, stories like this can be hard to write but enjoyable to read if done correctly.
Firstly, the poems concept and idea behind it is something that intrigues me and is interesting. Indeed, I myself have written poems on a similar theme before.
However, you need to tighten up your poems layout, grammar and spelling to improve this. For example:
in the second stanza:
Finally,my -- should have a space between comma and 'my'
came in!" -- should read 'come in!'
But...yes ther is always a but... -- 'ther' should be 'there'
Third stanza:
'large lottery' -- this sentence sounds wrong, the lottery itself would suffice here.
'Or if I lived in a different province...:)' -- this sentence seems strange, what do you mean by different province here? Do you mean a more advantaged upbringing? Also I dont think the ' :) ' adds anything to the poem.
I think the poem, as a whole would benefit with some changes and more attention to detail. Maybe input some more visual or descriptive sections rather than just telling the reader.
Let me know if you make any changes and I will be happy to update my review.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:43am on Dec 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
