Hello there Noticed your item is a year old, but you edited it recently so I hope this review is still relevant for you.
Overall: I liked the message of this piece, that if you have faith in the end it will have its rewards, however I don't feel like the message was as conveyed as well as it could have been. If I'm honest at times I wondered what the point to the whole story was about, but you did finish it nicely so it was clear then. I also liked your writing style as it was punchy while still giving the reader enough imagery like the scene in the Bahamas to make it easy to visualise, I also liked the very homely comments like Mark wanting to teach his grandson how to fish. The main problem I had with it was that you kept changing your person narrative without any clear cause. It started off with Olivia being followed closely in third person, but then there were a few sentences when it changed to entirely Olivia's point of view with no indication in the writing that it was about to happen.
A few things I noticed:
The two references to Olivia's childhood in your opening are so close together, I think it would make more sense to link them together rather than interrupting them with the present, so the writing flows better.
"She believed the Dental Assitant"
Should be assistant
"color of his face was white with pain,the reason"
Teeny point, but you missed out a gap after the comma.
"spa treatments and the best resturants"
Should be restaurants
"Spring brought bright golden daffodils but severe back"
Maybe include a word like 'also' after 'but' so the sentence flows better.
"extensive reoccurance of the cancer"
Should be reoccurrence
"They did have a experimental drug "
Should be an
"She is an hair stylist to the stars"
Should be a
I think this piece deserves
Keep on writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hot_chocolate
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 1:02pm on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Noticed your item is a year old, but you edited it recently so I hope this review is still relevant for you.
The two references to Olivia's childhood in your opening are so close together, I think it would make more sense to link them together rather than interrupting them with the present, so the writing flows better.