I really like the free verse of this poem, and the single words in each row -
"Pretty,
Soft,
Delicate"
It really emphasizes and draws out the feeling that you get, how the roses are beautiful and gentle, before shattering that with the harsh truth. It's a very elegant and concise poem that wonderfully sums up the metaphor of roses. It's a common thing to hear "every rose has its thorn" but this poem takes it to another level.
The only part that I'd like to see clarified is the second to last line. The capitalization there is kind of awkward, and I like the unique line spacing - how there are three clauses there instead of just one, like in every other line, but maybe it would do better like this:
"They will prick you,
Watch you bleed,
clean you up, and go back.
Stop going back."
So you still get the jarring two clause line, but like-ideas are clumped together. "They will prick you", and "Watch you bleed" seem to be related, so it's less confusing when they follow the pattern you've established in the rest of the poem. I also changed "clean yourself up" to "clean you up" because I think it makes more grammatical sense - the thorns are cleaning you, correct? Not the reader, themselves.
Also, I like the idea of "and go back / stop going back" as a kind of wake up call, to stop romanticizing beautiful things that hurt you, but it might help to clarify "and go back". Do the thorns make the reader go back? Maybe "and bring you back" would be a better phrasing.
Except for these awkward parts, the poem is very sophisticated and I love the concept. Sorry for the GINORMOUS review, but I hope it was helpful!!!
I love this poem - it has a very intriguing plot, and tells a true and honest love story. The characters sitting calmly, awaiting their end, gives me the feeling that their love has withstood the passage of time. It reminds me of the old couple on the Titanic, just hugging each other as it sank. Very chilling!!
The way that you set up the colors of the sky - going from blue to orange - is a beautiful visual, and the contrast lets the reader know that what happens after the poem is finished is not good. I’m curious to know what exactly is happening - you definitely pull your reader in!!
I love this! The feeling of needing something new, but knowing it can never match the old is so relatable, I think. I like the freeverse you established, and that it's not too freeverse. The lines aren't cut off at weird placed and the flow is intuitive. I get the feeling that this poem comes from somewhere deep inside your heart, drawn from personal experience, and it really adds to the tone. The last line "Something quite special...", especially with the ellipses at the end gives it a reflective vibe that I love. Great work!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hunnibxdger
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:33am on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "