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14 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Phone Service  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Don Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your first paragraph is unnecessary. This is obviously paranormal and you don’t have to tell us so.
Be a little more positive in your story. Don’t use “Other little things that aren’t worth talking about....” If they aren’t worth talking about, then don’t. We all know life is generally boring and mundane. Just give us the things that are significant.
Keep the story in the story. You don’t have to tell us you are writing it.
And, unless you are going to answer the question, don’t ask it as an ending.
Good try though.
C.Don
2
2
Review of Child Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Don Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
TW,
You seem to have a story her you want to tell... but I think you are reluctant to tell it. The neighbor is obviously your antagonist, but with only one sentence you merely hint at what he may have done. Show it. Let us see the reason she had to be rescued.
The overarching ignoring of the child by her original family is hard to believe. It could be the way the child perceived it, but you stated it as just a fact. Be more emotional about it. Have the child wonder why.
Good start though.
Clint
3
3
Review of Speakeasy  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Don Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Jenny,
I've been trying to write stories for a dozen years. As yet, unpublished except here in WDC, so my advise may not be so on the mark.
I like your scene... sleazy, lost people in a dangerous time. No pretension here.
But, I've suffered from the adverb plague, as it looks like you have too. Do a scan for 'ly ' and you'll find quite a few adverbs. General advice is use a better verb than a supporting adverb.
Also, look at your dialogue. Separate the speakers into paragraphs. It doesn't take much more work, but it keeps the reader following the dialogue without searching back to figure out who was saying what. Use a few attribution at first, but you can run a two person dialogue without many.
Consider the password... 'moonshine' was what they were selling in there. I doubt they would use it as a password.
Give us more.
Clint
4
4
Review by C. Don Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Gosh, I was in a place like that last night. But, there wasn’t a golden coin to prompt the rest of the story.
I see you are still using adjectives as a crutch. Not necessary.

<He sighed, checking his watch. It was getting late, time to close up shop. Looking around the bar he saw nobody, nobody except for a snoozing, cloak-wearing man with a hat over his face. He walked over, snapping his fingers angrily
"Time to go home, drunk. This ain't a hotel."
"it isn't?" the man asked jokingly, his voice being surprisingly sober.
"No, it ain't." the bartender said impatiently. "So get out."
"Ah, my mistake. I apologize," the man said as he got up to leave, walking towards the doorway for a few moments before stopping at the doorway, calling out to the bartender.
"Make a wish," the strange man said as he tossed a shiny golden coin to the bartender. The bartender caught it easily, looking at it in awe for a moment before looking back at the doorway where the cloaked man had been.>


It flows better without so many adjectives. And use a little internal dialogue here and there. There’s only two people in the scene so you don’t have to attribute so often.

He sighed, checking his watch. ‘It is getting late, time to close up shop.’
Looking around the bar he saw nobody... nobody except for a snoozing man, wrapped in a cloak with a fedora over his face.
He walked over, snapping his finger next to the stranger’s ear.
"Time to go home, Joe. This ain't a hotel."
"It isn't?" the man asked in a sober voice.
"No, it ain't, so get out."
"Ah, my mistake. I apologize," the man said as he got off his stool. He walked towards the doorway for a few steps before stopping and calling out, "Make a wish," and tossed a coin to the bartender.
The bartender caught it easily, then looking at it, ‘My God it is solid gold.’ In awe, he glanced back to doorway where the cloaked man had been.

Just my suggestions.

Clint
5
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Review of Heal  Open in new Window.
Review by C. Don Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your dialogue is good, but you need more of it. Just a little too much description. What was the purpose of the sparrow? Army archers of old typically didn't take precise aim at a target... the volley of arrows were in mass, so wounds would be statistically diverse. Few 'through the heart' shots. What technology were the victors using?
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