Its small, i usually like a bigger piece, but for some reason i really like it! its so relatable, and could probably be generalised to most people, its so simple, but still effective, it sets a mood that fits the title of the poem just right.
well done!
wow, what a statement, your wording is really good, and you portray this character so strongly, that its almost heartbreaking to hear that they break at the end. i thought i would tell you my opinion, as us newbies need to stick together, keep it up :)
okay i read the first chapter and got bored, and first off, are they really chapters?? sorry to a dick, but your character has bo personality, i feel like your just stating facts to me about this guy, but with no emotion behind it, i feel like maybe start with something less harsh, you dont have to give me his life story straight away, its sometimes fun to discover information about the character your reading about, as if it was a secret, but then again that's my opinion and it didnt seem to be going in any direction, but probably the 'sector 4' maybe comes into play, but anyway, don't be disheartened by my feedback, there is something there, its just personally i didnt enjoy it as much.
an interesting start, obviously there isn't a lot to go by at the moment, but you have built a character quickly, a personality is already coming through on the page. really, all i can say is more! but maybe the language used about his dream, and what is actually happening is perhaps a little muddled, but its only minor, but other than that, you have good writing technique.
i think maybe more of a style needs to be set, because this could be just personal, but there doesn't seem to be much but pain, but even that is mute. its honest, its real, but maybe a flare doesn't need to be there for honesty, but perhaps...i dunno, i need something...rich. something to sink my teeth into and really feel. Maybe its just me. but keep working at it. hope it helps. God I feel like i've only said bad stuff, don't be discouraged, you have talent.
So I am new to all this, i guess you can call me a newbie, but who cares right? you might think what does he know, well i kinda dont know a lot and i am no expert, but your poem is really good, although perhaps dont have so much lines, and compact it more, but i guess this is your style. So basically it was good, keep writing :D
I get the feeling of hope from this, and that maybe it isn't spring fever, but something more sinister preventing him from doing these things, i guess you can just call me a sadist if I'm wrong, but oh well, its still good though, makes me wish it was spring again. keep it up :)
p.s. i aint some sadist.
So I'm a newbie as they call it, but don't be discouraged by my feedback, you might think 'he's a nobody, what would he know?', which is true, but I think I can help. Your story is there, but your character is not. its usually the first couple of chapters that give the first impression, I mean don't get me wrong, she doesn't have to be likeable, she can be an ass-hole for all I care (excuse my French), but at least that's something. Now, I haven't read further than this chapter so I don't know what else happens, and I will carry on reading. its just personally, I think you need substance to your main character, individuality makes them stand out and leaves and imprint on the reader, because at the moment, she just seems typical and white washed.
you might think me as a dick right now, but oh well, hope it helped anyway.
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