It's a pretty good story I liked it. You tell it good ,I think it needs a little more information in it .Could you flesh out the characters more .Also explain more about the watermelons Your a really good writer and should keep at it .I want to read part #2 . If you get the chance you could read my story ( A cabin in the woods). tell me what you think, and see the in-depth character information schoolboy
WOW that really moved me.You did a very good job of telling the story . It will be hard to continue the story ,but you should try. Maybe go back and take a second look at it and fill in the information a little more. I don't know how to help you more but to say GOOD LUCK You are a wonderful writer. schoolboy
This is a good start to your story. I have never read any of the harry potter books but have seen some of the movies. The story has a good flow to it ,for me I would like to see the characters filled out a little more (described) You have to remember that you are reading a book not watching a movie. In a book you have to paint a picture for the reader giving a lot more details. Your very talented as a writer keep at it .Good luck.
Schoolboy
You have a good plot idea (but )you need to write it then read it to yourself to see if it sounds right .you start out well fleshing out the characters with a little background but then you take a big leap forward and don't fill in the story. I liked the story and know that you can do better ,it took me awhile to think about all the steps of a story.Don't let me discourage you go back and try it again. If you need inspiration read a children's book then read a short story and see how they are different and the same.Break the two down and think you are writing them. keep up the good work schoolboy
I liked your story line. It draws you in slowly and keeps you wondering what is to come next. I really could get into the thoughts of the Dr. even though I didn't know him.Keep on writing as I would like to read the whole story. You have a real gift. Keep on writing.
Schoolboy
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