The first word is spelled incorrectly and the only true complaint I have is that the rest of the Poem doesn't have any kind of flow to it. Sure, I understand that it doesn't have to be the primary focus, but I think you could be onto portraying a beautiful picture were you to re-write it with words of matching sounds. The last line doesn't make very much sense to me for some reason?
This all seems so redundant and wordy. That said, here's an example which I found off-setting to the otherwise natural flow of the "story": "by the twilight I will become the sensible middle-aged person that I can be."
Psychological in nature, this is all very thought provoking, if not filled with too much rambling, over-bearing thoughts, and repeated gestures, which might convince me that you feel each day is a new beggining, had you rightly established anything beyond the act of eating breakfast. I don't feel like there's enough here to warrent high marks, but it's plausible that this was rather forced and that, of your 365 lives, whomever you were on this given day, may have lived a short-lived life. ;) It's all very thought-provoking, anyway, as I noted early on.
Good effort.
""Now boarding: flight four-seventy-four, non-stop flight to Los Angeles."
Andy winced at the words announcing his impending death. "
--Ever seen the film Final Destination? It's about a group of teenagers boarding a plane to go on a trip to Paris. One of them has pre-intuitions about the plane crashing, so they get all of the teens off the plane as they quarrel and argue. Then when his friends are shoving it in his face that he made them miss the flight, the plane takes off and explodes mid-air. It's an okay film, with the same idea as the start of your story.
"Kylie, Andy's daughter, was excited about her daddy's first trip on an airplane. She had gone on so many at only six, it was only fair daddy got his turn."
--Why would she care about her Dad riding on an airplane? That's just asking for trouble.
"After hugging his wife and daughter good-bye, for the last time he feared, Andy walked toward the growing crowd that now obscured the ticket taker's podium."
--This sounds very awkward.
--You should space your paragraphs.
--I understood the point that he was being walked to his execution a few times over. Maybe you can set it up as if he's Jesus walking off to his execution than have him realize that he's only taking a flight. That would be humerus, too, perhaps.
"the type of smear that one could only get from the passionate osculation of lovemaking."
--I like this a lot.
"had over two million(Or so he'd heard)"
--Need a space before (or so he'd heard)
" There was no satisfactory grade, except perfect. Getting 1,999,999 parts to work wasn't good enough."
--This made me laugh out loud.
--I still have no idea what our character looks like. Somehow I gave myself a Mel Gibson with scraggly hair image, once I assumed he was Jesus. Talk about hyper-active imaginations!
--There's so much unneeded detail here. Sometimes I don't know where you're going, at other times, I see bouts of troubled talent. You need some polish and you'll get somewhere.
--Once you start letting me know about your character, I'm too bored to read on. I apologize for the brevity of this review. If a story holds my attention, I give it a full review. If not, then I expect to read it again or for the person to find new ways to improve on the story. I don't feel like this is your best effort. If I felt that it was, I would continue.
This seems more like an overview of an potentially dramatic and perhaps even quality story. What you have got to do now is expand and then cut. I mean that you must cut everything down to the basics. What matters in a story? Why isn't there any dialogue? What could you have done better? It reads like stream of conciousness writing to me, but maybe that's a personal observation from an odd perspective. Take your time, you have some good ideas. Now you just need to know what to do with them.
I don't know if you've seen it, but your description of the reading of the journal and the scene change seems accidently alike that of The Butterfly Effect's scenes. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's an amazing film.
It seems too often that you escape from your scenes right as they are beggining to devlope. Right when I start the feel the potential suspense (I know you will do it eventually), your scene annoyingly comes to an end! It needs to seem more realistic, I think. You really do have a few powerful ideas. Like the scene with the pregnancy test. It's already emotional, now you just need to make it stick.
"foetal position" should be "fetal position".
"She had had enough of this."...sounds cacophonic.
The ending just doesn't give me the full satisfaction and totality I expected to reach at the end. In a short story, there needs to be some finalization. It begins and end so quickly, that if there's no final meaning, then your story is empty.
Hopefully you'll further develope some of these scenes and turn this into something that's more interesting to read.
Write on.
//I Am Fiction
Considering that this is nearly all dialogue, it would have to mean that your dialogue is far beyond what I would read on average. However, as things stand, I can't say you've quite gotten a grasp on the human voice just yet. I can't tell that you have all the ideas here. Although it feels more like a Stream of Consciousness than much of anything else, it's an eager attempt at making subtle improvements. Little things like this will help you in the long run.
It all reads just a bit too plain and feels all too generic. Hopefully you can grow from this and perhaps write another piece like it in concept, but better ten fold in execution? DO IT!
//Cal
"she screamed inside herself" Should be "to herself"?
I like how I want to keep reading to find out what the fuss is about that day.
"It’s…my destiny.” Sounds strange.
"Harlan’s expression tightened, and he couldn’t hide the agitation in his voice when he spoke. “A male? Nobody told me it was a male. It’s got to be a mistake!" It's should be "it has".
For some reason it's hard for me to imagine what age Emily is, I don't know if I just missed something or what...
At first, I liked all the delay in style, but around the middle of the story, it's a little hard to keep reading. Maybe the story is a bit too repetitive at times.
This story was a very interesting read. It was, for the most part, excellently written. The only part I'd question would be the bit where the man's hitting himself with the shillelagh. It only seemed a bit unrealistic and I couldn't understand what the purpose was or imagine very well a picture of what was happening. Perhaps that part needs to be revised but for the most part the rest of your story seems pretty solid. Write On!
"If you, the employer, provide your employees a calming, relaxing interior waterfall in an employee lounge, your company will most likely to produce more and make more money." "Will" should be "is".
"You will be amazed at what something as simple adding an interior waterfall inside your building can do for your company." Should be "as simple as" instead.
"Furthermore, you will be amazed when you see how breathtaking your large indoor waterfalls appeal to all those who walk through your doors." How about: "Furthermore, when your breathtaking large indoor waterfalls appeal to every body coming through your doors; your company will get an added boost of confidance." Or something like that?
This is an interesting story. Some parents push so hard with the intention to help but instead push their children further and further away. This story made me feel like the child in the car was slipping away, just like the rain rolling off of the window and it made the character likeable. In the last sentence instead of "I rested my head against the cool window pane and tried to concentrate on the falling raindrops than what was eating me up inside." maybe it should say "rather than"?
Write On.
It's not the greatest idea to begin with a quote. Especially from "Anonymous (God, maybe?)" And isn't it "Live each day as if it were your last.", anyway?
This story would be so much more enjoyable without the spacing issue.
Your story is ubeliveable. Although I'm sure that was your intent, it is in such a way that the dialogue itself is in shambles.
"It's Saturday. Let's go make pancakes."-This made me laugh out loud somehow. Not because of it's quality, but it just didn't make sense to me really. This story is confusing. "Let's go make pancakes." Should be a catch phrase.
The rest of the story is strange, but feels very rushed and I don't feel like there's any real concrete ending. What's up with that. Near the ending when Harry asked what day it was, I nearly expected someone to say "let's make pancakes." :)
I've seen worse writing and didn't exit out of your story, so it did hold my attention, but didn't answer any of my questions.
I don't know just what to think of this. I like the tone, it's about right for the type of story you've set out to write. I think you know what your purpose was but I'm not sure if you were as effective as you could have been. There's a lot of potential to shake the readers mind when you're writing about somebody's lover dying. This is a good start.
Write on.
The dialouge throughout this was very weak. I don't see how this is much like a diary entry at all, nonethless fiting on to one page of a diary. Work hard to organize your writing and this will soon become a promising piece.
Very good job with this story. This was very strong and I felt greatly that you knew exactly how to grab the reader. Oh my god, the ending was terrific. I'm going to read more from you, no question about it. Thank you for writing this. I loved it.
The only part that seemed maybe a bit too vague was the part describing what Valentino did to his parents. Perhaps you were going for something a little more on the short end though. Even that part of the story fascinated me.
Write on!!!
I realize that you're only trying to capture some aspect of Hemingway's writing, but if we're talking A Movable Feast-style, I'm not quite sure if you're getting all the right points. Hemingway writes about the writing process itself just as much as he does food. I don't know if he'd ever say something about sitting down to write. He might however, explain how that writing went instead. Just some thoughts for you. Otherwise, this is just like something I tried after reading The Sun Also Rises, and A Movable Feast.
You do know the classifications for A-type, and B-type people right?
A-Type: Drive, Focused, and Up-tight.
B-Type: Laid Back, Easy Going, and Takes things in stride.
I know this isn't finished, but I'm going to review it anyway, to make sure you really want to continue with it. If you don't have the name for a story, call it "Untitled", by the way. It's more professional.
Characters: We don't know a thing about Pamela, and I don't even know if we want to know more. She seems amateur, and uninteresting. She needs some flaws.
Plot: Go watch CSI. Good. Now make your story different than anything you've ever seen on the television. I feel like I've seen this a few too many times to enjoy it.
Flow: It just didn't work too well. It wasn't real enough, I don't think. It's like a cross between an "Anime", and a Detective Show, on the Television.
Voice: You have enough of a style to highlight the dialogue, and this isn't my main complaint, anyway. You did okay here.
What I Liked: You have a good enough grasp on the English language to keep me attentive. The dialogue move well enough, I guess. I'm also interested enough to be reviewing it; I want to see improvement.
What I Didn't Like: Lack of character development. The way the character read the file, that was unneeded. Find a different way to describe the case, perhaps. Like an intense scene that actually draws the reader in?
Suggestions: Don't be vague. But be sure not to get over-descriptive either, that can be annoying for some readers.
Overall: You have some ideas down. While I would consider this a good before-hand outline for the story, I just don't think it does it for me, not enough to convince me that it is a quality short story.
I look forward to seeing more from you, in the future!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iamfiction
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:44am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
