\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iamthatmonster
Review Requests: OFF
19 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to look at both large and small scale issues when reviewing a piece. Large scale problems could be anything from major plot issues to pacing. Small scale problems are generally more focused on grammar and things that I found pulling me out of the story. In addition, I try to balance out my critiques with things that I enjoyed about the piece. My reviews are generally around 2,000 characters long, but it really depends on what it is.
Favorite Genres
Science Fiction, Fantasy, Action/Adventure, Horror/Scary, Steampunk
Favorite Item Types
Fiction, Short Stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Articles, Essays, Non-Fiction
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Unmakers  Open in new Window.
Review by Jordan Hill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Personally, I thought this piece was near perfect. I was extremely interested the entire time, and there are really only a few things that I found myself wanting to critique. In my opinion, the things that were 'wrong' actually worked very well.

For example, in the beginning of this chapter, there was a lot of setting description, which is something you often want to avoid. This is especially true for action stories, which is what this seems to be. However, in this case the description was perfect. I think it has a lot to do with the usage of the pigeon, as strange as it sounds to say that. However, there were still a few minor things that stood out to me as a tiny bit of an issue.

First of all, the transition between the pigeon and Aran was sort of abrupt. I had to reread that section a few times, and I just wish it would have been a bit smoother. Perhaps adding an additional sentence from Aran's point of view, where he observes the pigeon, or something to that extent. It would tie the two parts together a bit better, and it wouldn't be such a harsh contrast.

The second and last thing I want to touch on is the last paragraph. I'm not sure why, but it just feels a bit clunky to me. I'm intrigued by the concept of it, and I like that you decided to do a single paragraph to draw the reader into the next chapter, instead of just leaving it where it was. It's also effective because Aran passes out again immediately afterwards, and for a lot of styles of writing, that would be too short of a chapter. The rhetorical questions just seemed a bit much to me, and I think there was probably a better way that you could have accomplished the same thing.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. If you ever post more, I would be more than interested in reading it.
2
2
Review of Indigo Rising  Open in new Window.
Review by Jordan Hill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


First and foremost, I would just like to express how much I enjoyed this piece. The concept was interesting and you allowed us to jump into the action quickly. I was pulled through the reading, and was eager to see more once I had finished. Those are important elements of any form of writing, though it is integral to fiction. If this was a full book, I would absolutely want to read the entirety of it. Considering how short this piece is, I consider that to be a great accomplishment.

The only real reason I rated this four stars instead of five is because of the sentence structure. Honestly, your concept almost made up for it in my opinion, but I was unable to ignore it completely. You use a lot of run-on sentences. Most of the sentences here could be split into two or more separate ones. Adding commas would also achieve the same affect. Despite that, you did a good job with your choice of words. I found the description superb and compelling, and I wouldn't change many of the actual words if you do decide to edit some of the longer sentences.

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, and would be more than willing to read/review more of this story if you decide to edit or add more.
3
3
Review by Jordan Hill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


I think the concept of this piece is extremely intriguing, and there were a lot of elements that worked. I especially appreciated your usage of foreshadowing, such as mentioning the dog and explaining how important he was to our main character before he died. However, I also believe there were a few elements that didn't work quite as well and that's what I'm going to talk about now.

The first thing I noticed was that the punctuation could use a bit of work. I understand that using commas correctly can sometimes be the most difficult part of writing, but doing a bit a research wouldn't hurt. I have heard that commas in fiction writing are often a personal style preference, but even with that 'rule' you don't want your story to feel clunky or difficult to read. Though after reading for a little while, I started to get into the flow of your style. So maybe it's not quite as big of a deal as it initially feels. Perhaps just take it into consideration that it's a little bit tough to get through in the beginning.

However, something that's not quite so relative is the tense changes. In some of your sentences you use the incorrect word for the context. That's something you need to be careful about. For example, '...all that Brent had built were crumbling around him'. You should have used 'was' instead of 'were' in this sentence. There were a few other instances of similar things in this piece, and it pulled me out of the flow of the story every time. Reading each sentence out loud helps make sure that you've used the correct word(s). It feels a bit odd at first, but I know from personal experience that it really does help.

Overall, I don't think this story was bad, but with a bit of editing on the technical level it could be greatly improved.
4
4
Review by Jordan Hill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm personally a big fan of science fiction, so I found a lot of your ideas extremely intriguing. For example, the concept of the Captain drinking something that's not compatible with his body. It wasn't a huge thing, and didn't seem like it was going to be important to the plot (though I got the impression that maybe his drinking is?), but it was compelling just the same.

Looking at this chapter from a more critical standpoint, it had a few issues, but nothing too extreme. The first thing that comes to mind is the transition from the first 'scene' to the next. As soon as the second scene began, I was confused. I had to go back and reread, which is something that you generally want to avoid. My main issue was that the first scene had me believing that the Captain was a lot more injured than he actually was. So when he was up and walking in the next scene, I wondered what had happened. For a second, I even thought it had been a flashback/flashforward type of thing. It should be an easy fix, but I would recommend that you do so.

Also, another thing that's not nearly as big of an issue, but that you might want to address, is that you used the class of the ship (Series 7 T531) twice, and very close together. The paragraph where you did that also feels a bit like a jumbled information dump. A lot of times you can get away with a bit more set-up in a science fiction book, but you don't want it to be confusing. It needs to be clear.

Despite that, I was extremely intrigued, and there's no doubt that I want to see where the story is going to go from here. I also adore how you ended the chapter- the last two sentences are funny, yet at the same time intriguing and get questions rolling in the mind of the reader. Overall, I think it was a good piece, but you might want to try to focus a bit on clarity while in the editing process.
5
5
Review of Age of XANA  Open in new Window.
Review by Jordan Hill Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
There's no denying that you have something interesting here. We've got some compelling concepts, which is a good sign. However, there are some things that I'd like to touch on.

First of all, it feels like we're progressing through the story extremely quickly. At several points I had to go back a few sentences and reread so I could figure out what was happening. Even then, I had problems at times. We move to three different locations within a few paragraphs, and it's a bit difficult to follow. It does feel like this is an introduction of sorts, though. If that's the case, my advice is to stretch it out just a bit more. Don't add unimportant details, but rather something that will add to the story while simultaneously giving the reader a bit more time to comprehend what is happening.

If it's not an introduction, I'd recommend trying to split the locations into separate chapters. The transition from the first and second sentences is also sort of odd to me, though I can't quite put my finger on why. Maybe the setting changes too quickly.

I think the way you do character descriptions is good- spreading them out amongst other things. However, you used the word 'black' three times in the second section, and all very close together. I understand it's sometimes difficult to describe colors in any other way, I tend to struggle with the same thing myself. However, consider other variations of color, and ask yourself if all of the color descriptions are actually necessary. You're the only one that can decide that, though.

There's one last thing, that's sort of small scale in comparison to the other points I made. At the point where you wrote "...screamed in pain. "HELP ME!"", you only need one of those things. The word 'screamed', but without an exclamation point or capitals. An exclamation point, but without capitals or the word 'screamed'. Or capitals, but without the word 'screamed' or an exclamation point. I wouldn't recommend the capitals.

Overall, I liked the piece, and I'd definitely continue reading, despite the fact that it felt a bit rushed. It definitely has promise.
5 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 1 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iamthatmonster