This is an interesting little tale. It would be better, though, with some improvements. I'll give you some general tips.
Read the story out loud and listen to figure out if what you are saying makes sense and flows smoothly. For example, read out loud the two statements below.
-The bear and the giraffe were the best of friends. They always got along.
-Bear and giraffe were friendly with each other. They always had no differences.
You tend to use the wrong words when trying to convey something. For example, "a turtle shrunk into its shell," is correct. "A turtle shrieked into its shell," is NOT correct. The word "shrunk" is past tense of "shrink". To shrink is to diminish in size. On the other hand, to shriek is to scream with a high pitch.
Each time dialogue changes to a new character, a new paragraph must be formed. Paragraphs enable the reader to separate information and are used by the writer to signify a change in topic.
Applying just these three tips will greatly improve the quality of your writing.
You're a writer. If you can dish it out, then you should be able to take it. If this story is a personal one, I think I got some things that'll help cheer you up, boi.
And yes, I expect you to read and listen to all I have given you. Mainly because I read this story. Only fair to return the fricken favor.
Peace out girl scout.
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