So as per your bio you are completely new to writing, and this piece almost shows that. Though not in a negative way. This story, that I picked up from 'Please review' community, is a pretty fine start to begin with. I finished the story only because I started reading it at the first place, and another reason was the search for some turning point at some point of the story, which I couldn't find. But that's okay. Not all stories have turning points; some are just as plain as a white paper and still appeals to reader's eyes.
Below are 3 minor flaws I noted down for you -
1. Prerna turned around and finally managed to spot him in that entire crowd - 'Entire' word could have been omitted.
2. On one hand, she was aware that her liking is based on virtual interaction - Usage of 'is' in sentences being narrated in past tense.
3. I don’t wish to get involved in anything that I’m not sure of.” responded Saumit - There should have been a comma (,) instead of period after 'of'.
As you are just a beginner, I would wish you luck. Keep writing and reading. And, also learning. Just like breathing is to life, grammar and technical aspects are to write.
I liked this 'happily ever after' kind of story. This more or less was a romance-genre piece, but you added a piece of thriller too with the stanza of nightmare. If I have the liberty to suggest, I would say you could have used that particular nightmare-scene as the basic plot for another short story.
As far as the technicalities are concerned, I am not much of a Grammar Nazi and therefore cannot comment much on that front, but below are the minor flaws which I noticed,
Dad and my newborn sister was in the house. - 'Were' instead of was.
They burned to death, both of them, and my little sister so young - This part seems little incomplete.
Other than this the flow of the story was wonderful. This being a real short story, you couldn't manage to pull off few scenes (like the ones where Jerry took her out for wedding proposal) in a great way as they could have been pulled. But that doesn't mean they weren't good. They were, but could have been better.
As you had mentioned that this is your 2-years old piece, by now I believe you must have learnt and improved a lot.
And yes, just like a person suggested me few days back, an updated portfolio gives the reviewer an idea of how should he/she review the work. As of now, I don't know if you are a he or a she, or what age group you belong to, or are you an experienced writer or just a beginner. Answers to all these questions will help a reviewer in reviewing your work in a better way.
Hey,
I loved this 'could-be' dull short story, given your creativity, which made it way more interesting. The flow was amazing. There had been a moment when I gazed few lines and landed upon 'I was a cat.' I got a bit confused, and went back to where I was. I started reading the story again, and the flow went so smoothly from transition of a rat to a cat to dirt to bush and finally back to a mouse. The last part was unexpected, and that unexpected ending marked as one of the best endings this story could have.
Following are 2 minor errors from my perspective :
,than one of my sisters was carried away - I guess you wanted to write 'that' at the place of 'than'.
and I turned to mud - I feel there should be 'into' instead of to.
I gave it a rating of 4.5
And yes, just like a person suggested me few days back, an updated portfolio gives the reviewer an idea of how should he/she review the work. As right now, I don't know if you are a he or a she, or what age group do you belong, or are you an experienced writer or just a beginner, or is English your first-language or not. Answers to all these questions will help a reviewer in reviewing your work in a better way.
I must say you really have an art and you know how to use it too. The story kept my eyes glued to it from the start till the end. There were two reasons for doing it. Firstly, your sentence structure. I am in head over hills with it. I hope someday, I could also create as beautiful sentences as you do. Secondly, the flow of the story. It undoubtedly was a long short-story, but at the end it was worth the length. If you hadn't elaborated the incidents of children, the old woman, and of Susan and him not having baby, reader probably wouldn't feel sorry to that extent which he would feel after knowing how good-hearted and kind the protagonist was.
You pulled it off really well.
There aren't any actual mistakes in your story, only few spelling mistakes, which is quite common to occur in such long write-up. I am mentioning them below. You may rectify them if you want -
1. certain disease the seeps into the reproductive organs - that
2. the plastic seat beneat him screeched with the contraction - beneath
I loved your story. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing such brilliant pieces. :)
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