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Review of Stir Crazy  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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A review by iguanamountain "WYRMOpen in new Window. member of {A group for those dedicated to writing and reviewing speculative fiction..

Stir Crazy
by Let's have a sox to sox talk


Hello rinsoxy,
This is a review for Part 3 of Lodestar Contest based on your story from the
Part One Entry: Spaceman by J.B. Ezar
A man lives in a sealed habitat on a desolate planet, leaving it only for short walks in his spacesuit. He’s been there a long time, clinging to formal routine and scraps of his sanity. He starts seeing things: old colleagues come to visit him, people he buried years ago. Then unsuited strangers start coming to his base. Tired and desperate, he succumbs to his madness: he opens his airlock door, depressurizing it, and steps outside. He can breathe. Strangers are real.
A possible reveal
He’s still on Earth. Strangers are tourists at a newly opened desert national park. All this time, he’s been in a forgotten training facility, left behind after his space colonization program was revealed to be a scam and suspended.
This is a different kind of review because of the contest requires that the reviewer pay attention to how the stories are built around the ideas in Part One.

I believe you have followed the suggested story exactly as described. The emotion and detail is amazing as it all come to life.

>>> He grew his own nutrient slurries from the cultures they base had in stock.
First thing, you solved the food problem with cultures. I can imagine they must have tasted awful. Note that the word 'they' should be 'the' base.

>>> They had wandered off into the desolate landscape of this world, dying as the poisonous atmosphere slowly killed them.
This is the physical world as John believes it to be from his experience.

>>> a very convincing hallucination of Tom Roberts the mission commander stated.
The first appearance of a hallucination.

>>> It was really beginning to wear him down.
I think the emotional reaction to the 'visions' when they first appeared could be detail a bit more. He must have questioned his sanity and then justified it somehow because he's learned to accept or ignore them as a mental defense. (?)

>>> James frowned. Why did their emotions seem so real?
This is written as a James thought, which would be a POV head jump. John can hear dialogue and see them, but he can't know what the visions are thinking.

>>> The reason for the separation was the high levels of cyanide in the atmosphere.
Ha! Clever belief for John so the lack of pressure difference is justified. *thumpsup*

>>> He was shocked when he entered the main habitat and saw his mother sitting at the dining table. "
This would be the most challenging hallucination of all. Great.

>>> Somehow that was his way of denying they existed at all.
Perfect, but I wonder if this idea should be introduced earlier when he's first working out his mental defenses. (?)>that's me thinking. *Think*

>>> Too bad the cyanide content of the native soil meant he couldn't eat a bite of them.
This introduces something I question. Why would he bother to build a greenhouse outside if the soil was poisoned. Wouldn't he try to grow food inside.(?)

>>> Denying the hallucinations in this way helped him clutch on to the illusion of sanity.
Yes! Very clear and justifies all. *ThumbsUp*

>>> He hasn't been exposed to Covid or vaccinated so he is very susceptible.
Wow, I like that you have brought this into our real world.

>>> He just might as well step out there and let the cyanide rock him into the big nap.
The suicide decision (HUGE) could use a bit more dispair and giving up. (?) *Cry*

>>> No, this was his last walk, he headed off to the right of the habitat.
This is a very important idea (the new direction) To make it stronger can you have some high rocks or big sand dunes that he has to cross so we understand why he never saw beyond the barrier.

>>> There was a glass front door like what John remembered a convenience store to have. Inside was a snack bar and a counter filled with brochures.
I love this finding a very ordinary piece of the real world. Great plotting.

>>> "Holy...cow. That's you. You're John Garret! I have to call somebody!"
I like the lady's reaction, but what about John's. What is he thinking at this moment? (?)

>>> The woman removed the object from her ear and put it back in her pocket, "Do you want onions on that?"
I loved this last line of the story. It brings it back to something so ordinary and real.*Delight*

FINAL COMMENT: Loved the story. I wish we got a little more of John's emotional reactions as he finds the truth with the brochure and then the chili dog. After all that degusting slurry!
You have transformed the suggestion into a live, engaging story. Great job!
Best, Gale


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Review of The Quills Group  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Win a contest and move it forward! Great work guys.
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Review of Peach Bottom  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

Peach Bottom
by Jackie Snax

Hello Jackie! Welcome to WYRM. I'm Gale or iguanamountain. I do my own version of in-depth reviews working chronologically through your material and always place a copy of the referenced line first so you know where I am...and it's easys to find. If I put a (?), it's just means it's me thinking beyond what you've written. Writing novels is very exciting and very difficult; it's the ultimate of creativity and a technical-structure nightmare. Finding your own balance within all of it is the challenge! Here we go...


Prologue -



>>> It was the second home she had lost.

>>> That was the first thought Tye had, stretched out on the highway, her blood sinking down into the porous, cracked up tarmac. The second was that there were more homes than those two, and here she was again, too late in recognizing it. Another was being lost as she bled.

I only went as far as the first line and the first paragraph. Now look at what I've written below. It is only one potential version. Can you see the difference?

>>> That's the second home I've lost...

It's Tye's first thought as she lay stretched out on the highway, her blood sinking down into the porous, cracked tarmac. Her second thought--But there were more homes than those two...and here I am again...too late to recognize it. I'm bleeding and I'm losing another one!


I tried to minimize the narration and jump the moment into Tye's mind.

*Star* Definition: If you are active, you are doing something. In a sentence written in active voice, the subject of the sentence is doing the verb.
Definition: If you are passive, something is done to you. In a sentence written in passive voice, the subject of the sentence is having the action of the verb done to it by something else. Sound complicated...it is! To put it in better words:
For the most part, you probably want to write in the active voice when possible. That’s because sentences written in active voice are generally clearer, more direct, and more compact.
The main problems with passive voice, then, are as follows:
It can be wordy. A lot of the time, passive voice requires awkward, lengthy, convoluted sentences instead of short, punchy, straightforward ones.
Most of the time, moving passive voice sentences to active voice will tighten your prose, make it more readable, and as a result confuse your readers less.


*Star* When you begin creating a story, the object is to get the story down into words, one way or another. So everything ends up 'was this and were that', because it's fast. The images, action, dialogue are mostly all there, but the word structure is not in a finished form for a yet-to-be-published novel.

Now the words 'was' and 'were' are not the final indicators of Passive Voice and sometimes they are appropriate and correct, but they do produce red flags to check.

>>>>>Do this: Under Edit, choose Find & Replace, In 'Search for' enter 'was', and choose 'Find All'. While they are showing highlight with yellow and Save. They become your little red flags to check and shockingly see paragraphs sprinkled with flags. You can do the same with 'were'. Now they all are not passive indicators you have to study carefully and be creative. It will stretch your brain to find new ways to bring the story to life! Once you see and understand the process you will never write the same again.

>>> Heat was a slow river over the road.
(simple switch of placement)
Heat flowed over the road like a slow river.

>>>...the green and the blue, every shade of human grey susceptible to the raw power of green and blue.
I like the use of colors as images. Maybe a bit clearer if you said 'human-made' grey. (?) I had to stop for a moment to figure what you meant.

>>> She b}was watering the future with her blood, her blood.
She watered the future with her blood, her blood.
This is a very striking image-idea.

>>> She b}was going to stay here, somehow, and that b}was alright. Oh, that b}was more than alright.
Stronger verbs might help...(?)
>>> She intended to stay here, somehow, and that seemed alright. Oh, that felt more than alright.

>>> Pavement broke under the force of vegetation. Human roads and houses were flimsy to face it. And in that moment, Tye didn’t mind. She could feel nature hatching underneath her, cracking that road, ready to take it all back, and that b}was fine, fine, fine. It b}was all already lost, anyway. Lost, like Peach Bottom.
Oh, I like this idea-concept very much. I see so much of that happening in
Belize where the salt air corrodes all the metal and wood, then the jungle plants take everything back. And it makes a good introduction to Peach Bottom.

>>> “So many fireflies,” (paragraph)
and
>>> “Half our food came from the back garden, (paragraph)
Really rich, textured descriptions. *ThumbsUp*

>>> ...and sometimes meat whenever someone b}was slaughtering a pig or something.
Needs a comma after 'meat' and try 'whenever someone 'slaughtered' a pig...

>>> “The stars looked like spilled milk,” this b}was her favorite,
Consider"
>>>Then she'd say her favorite. “The stars looked like spilled milk, so bright!”

>>> So bright, all the freckles were, but beyond those, space b}was all so thick you could see this creamy haze right down the middle, where the milky way stretched. Suns and planets - bright white mist, from horizon to horizon.”
It's all there, just needs some re-ording and a new verb. It's beautiful.
>>> All the freckles were so bright, but beyond those, space looked so thick you could see...etc.

>>> But it couldn’t really be true, because logically she knew that by 2031, the year of her birth, at least where Peach Bottom, PA b}was, light b}was everywhere.
Ah ha! That means we're now into the 2040's. And adjust maybe like this:
>>> ...at least in Peach Bottom, PA's location, the light has invaded everywhere.

>>> ...the sky b}was the carnage of something bigger...
...the sky 'represented' the carnage of something bigger...

>>> - a double whammy, her being a Black Christian and Zenia a white Jew, their togetherness not nearly heterosexual enough even on top of its basic un-holyness.
I believe this is the human core of this story paralleled with the location and the survival mode. Complex and good world-building.

>>> She hadn’t known she’d take herself with her.
Very deep, and interesting that she now knows...

>>> It b}was kind of a lie, though, to say her town b}was ‘destroyed.’ One of the only lies Tye b}was capable of telling without shaking and dropping her eyes - because it b}was also true. It b}was true, even if it b}wasn’t true in the way the city folk who half-listened to her fiercely nostalgic ramblings believed it b}was.
Paragraphs like this are crying to be totally rewritten. *Worry*
You are 'telling' about an important element of Tye's character. Why not a dialogue scene where she actually shows her capabilities of lying --- contrasted with her inner flashes of the truth?

>>> Tye had been in middle school herself during that first burst of patriotic sacrifice. (entire paragraph)
Note that this narration becomes generic and way beyond Tye's experience...UNLESS YOU SHOW SOME OF IT. The 'telling' becomes all very similar about the bad times. They are not personalized to Tye. I fear readers will early on catch the mood and tone and then skip ahead looking for actual story material. Realize that it becomes living story material when it is shown through Tye's eyes and emotions. (Sorry, I started to lecture) *FacePalm*

>>> Tye had gone home once, after the war, back when Dom was still alive and she was pregnant and she knew her parents were dead but she’d hoped, just hoped, that maybe one of her brothers or her auntie Kaye or someone had kept their little trailer by the river whole and safe.
This is one sentence with how many images and ideas strung together?
And it's followed by four dense paragraph blocks of narrative detail. Don't get me wrong, the writing of the language is good, BUT how much of it could be focused into Tye actually arriving, looking around and finding the abandoned trailer...and the moment she walks inside. (?) In real time sharing her emotional reactions.

(Now this caught my eye)
>>> “It was never quiet. Not like here, though - no traffic. Crickets, cicadas - Oh! You’ve never heard cicadas. No lie - they scream. It’s a mating call, but it sounds like screaming. HEY SWEET THIIIIING,’ Tye’d bellowed once at a smaller, babier Xena in winter, blankets hung over all the windows and a space heater between them, soft and orange, a gentle glow on her chubby face. Xena’s eyes wide and shining, wondered rapture like she was hearing about dragons or faeries or something else that couldn’t exist.
This is a real living memory, full of energy and life. Needs a close quote after 'THIIIIIING'. The difference is amazing! *BigSmile*

>>> That was right before she got the job at AedosDynamic. She was still doing the preliminary work, then - making money any way, every way, hoarding it, saving for her first initial payment to the woman in the Microsoft tower, who’d agreed to let Tye use her address while applying for jobs for a ‘small’ price, and then later, as a surprise, for an additional monthly fee.
Again, all ONE sentence. Too many ideas for a reader to string together. And this begins to sound like the introduction to Chapter-1 and the real story of this book. (?) The world-building is good and tweaks my interest.

FINAL COMMENT: Okay Jackie, I have no doubt about your ability to write and truly create. I see brilliant moments in this prologue where a vibrant active voice flashes out, but I also felt overwhelmed by well written narration centered around a basic theme of bad times now and good times remembered.
*Star* I fear you are going to hear more about why a prologue? Is it necessary? Cannot some of the historical background be incorporated into the actual story?
I faced the same problem when I started Knights of Sparrow with a long historical background. Finally had to cut the prologue and only include a short paragraph to begin my first chapter. For certain, your dialogue sections are not dull or passive, they're wonderful. That's your strength! Now I'm anxious to get into the real story soon.
Best, Gale


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Review of Delta 02  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 10 – Battlefield Farewell


Here we are at the end of Delta 02. How will it go?

>>> He pressed forward, swinging the wide staff around him and gripping it tight as he looked around him, a number of wolves entering their perimeter.
The last thing Jonathan had in his hand was a burning tree branch, so the 'wide staff' does not match.
>>> Jonathan pressed forward, swinging the burning branch to face a number of wolves entering their perimeter.

>>> Damned dogs.
Doesn't feel right. Dogs are not wolves. How about 'beasts' or 'canines'?

>>> "Any ideas in that survival head of yours?" She yelled out to him, her voice trailing sarcastic and exhausted.
No cap on 'she'. It's a dialogue tag.

>>> He looked to his left to see Erika backing up as well,
Are they backing up towards each other?

>>> Jonathan twirled the staff around in front of him,
See, you do have him with a staff, but he never picked one up after the wolf jumped him. How did he get it?

>>> As Jonathan's arm swung around in recoil, the once-retreating wolf leapt at him, its head dashing into Jonathan's chest and the weight shoving him to the ground.
Start new paragraph. Too much action in a long sentence. Better short ones.

And see this long block of ACTION TEXT. Divide action into paragraphs with short, sharp sentences to keep the battle moving. Also using 'as' to link two actions or reactions begin to look like a pattern.

>>> As Jonathan fell on the snow, his right ankle burned in pain as the second wolf grabbed on tightly with its teeth.
Look at the chronological order of the action and put it into real time.
>>> As Jonathan's arm swung around in recoil, the retreating wolf turned and leapt at him. The animal's head dashed into Jonathan's chest shoving him to the ground. The second wolf grabbed Jonathan's right ankle tightly with its teeth causing burning pain. Jonathan yelled, throwing his elbow in the first wolf's snout before catching a glimpse of the second wolf's teeth embedded in his ankle. His anger flushed out the pain enough for Jonathan to savagely kick the wolf with his left boot.

>>> He looked to his left and saw his USP.45, knocked out of his hand from before. It was just in range and his hand quickly grabbed ahold of it before firing at the wolf on top of him and then the one at his leg.
New paragraph. (real time action)
>>> On his left he caught a glimpse of the handle of his USP.45 in the snow where it had fallen. Stretching out, he quickly grabbed it, aimed and fired at the wolf on top of him and then the one at his leg.
(This is one place where your word, 'grabbed', is perfect.) *BigSmile*

>>> His eyes quickly searched around him,
Start new paragraph...

>>> Instinctively, he fired at what he saw while crawling back, his left arm clawing in the snow and dragging him back as his right arm fired the remaining shots in that magazine.
Note the word 'back' used twice. Also 'fired' is used twice.

>>> Jonathan heard a feral yell from Erika
New paragraph...

>>> She looked at him and Jonathan nodded as he saw what she was thinking in her eyes.
What was she thinking. Can you make this active?

>>> Instead of reaching for his second and last magazine, Jonathan took out his last stun grenade and pulled the pin.
New action, new paragraph...

>>> "Cover your eyes!" He yelled as he tossed...
No cap, dialogue tag.

>>> Jonathan could hear a few yelps of pain from the wolves in the forest and he thought he had missed them. He felt his belt for the final magazine and when his fingers touched it, he quickly grabbed it and loaded it in the weapon.
Narration creates a layer from the action with too many words.
>>> Jonathan heard yelps of pain. Damn, maybe I missed them. He felt his belt for the final magazine, slipped it out and loaded it in the weapon.

>>> The first leaped for him as the second followed closely behind.
New action, new paragraph...

>>> As he pulled his arms back to brace himself for the assault, to his rescue, Erika leaped overhead...
New paragraph... And you lose the impact of Erika's action by merging it into a longer sentence. Can you separate the attack of the wolves. So the new paragraph is her sudden and unexpected rescue move? It could be more exciting and move the action up a notch.

>>> Erika searched around her with the bow and knife at hand, circling around her own position and then lunging to the bonfire and grabbing one of the burning staffs that Jonathan had placed in the fire.
You have too much in her hands, and she's going tp need both hands for the bpw in a minute, not a burning staff. (?)

>>> Erika engaged the target, her body dashing forward toward the animal.
Like all of this paragraph! Good action, love the sound. *Shock*

>>> "Savage." Jonathan complemented.
Dialogue tag wants a comma after 'Savage,”

>>> He swung his bo staff low, spinning around and striking something.
As last seen, Jonathan had a gun in his hand, not a bow. (?) He was going to shoot when Erika went into attack mode instead. He has to be near the fire to pick up one of the staffs.

>>> Through the snow and wind, he could hear Erika speak to him. "And you say I'm savage..."
Why not a direct dialogue line? Instead of 'could hear'. It would be a new paragraph.

>>> Jonathan's shoulders fell as he finally accepted...
New paragraph...

>>> "What, did you get into a shair-pulling contest with one of them?"
I think you mean 'hair-pulling'.

>>> "I think you're the one that needs help." She offered back.
Dialogue tag: comma after help, no cap on 'she'.

>>> Erika looked around and Jonathan looked as well.
...'looked' twice.

>>> "Is it over?" She asked, her voice soft.
Dialogue tap, no cap on 'she'.

>>> Jonathan looked around...
Now 'looked' is repetitive.

>>> "It's okay." He whispered back...
Dialogue tag...You know.

>>> She couldn't guess what she was thinking...
Hopefully you meant 'He' couldn't guess...

>>> It feared him more about dealing with it than seeing it, but he knew it had to be done.
Needs a rewrite.

>>> He looked up to see Erika watching his tend to it alone and he offered her a silent glare before sucking in his breath and pulling off the boot with a final pull.
Better as two sentences instead of the 'and'. Also it should be watching 'him' tend...

>>> before dragging it to the fire and tossing it in.
Keep in mind that mammals are not flammable without a lot of fuel to make a very hot fire. Jonathan and Erika would have to collect and pile a huge mound of firewood to burn that many bodies. It's not like throw another log on the fire.

I have serious doubts about their ability to accomplish this considering their exhausted physical condition. And what purpose does it serve in the cold snow of winter? It would make a terrible smell...roasted wolf...ewww. *Gag*

>>> "That's not going to heal." Erika noted...
Dialogue tag, you know.

>>> "What did we do?" She asked him.
Dialogue tag, you know. (Double check, because I may have missed some of the dialogue tag punctuations.)

>>> but got damn it!"
but God damn it

I like that Jonathan keeps getting hugs. The boy needs to relax. *RollEyes*

OK...Now this:

>>> Jonathan was breathing heavily as he let the end of the staff remain where it was, finally taking in what he and Erika had done. Through the snow and wind, he could hear Erika speak to him. "And you say I'm savage..." Jonathan's shoulders fell as he finally accepted that the bloodbath was over. Unlike what he had presumed, the two of them were more than a match for the pack. Jonathan heard a heavier crunch of snow behind him and he turned his head to catch Erika in his peripheral. He turned completely, dragging the bloodied end of the staff in the snow in hopes to clean it. She had a couple of scratches along the left side of her stomach, enough to where Jonathan saw some blood. Her hair was wild from melted snow. Her right arm was completely covered in blood, fur, and dirt.

FROM THIS PARAGRAPH to the end of the chapter the writing is almost all in PASSIVE VOICE NARRATION except for the dialogue lines. *Worry*
A quick Find & Replace, Find All search for 'was' as a whole word will show you the damage. It's a daunting amount, but necessary. I know you have the creative ability to do this. *Smile*

ALSO I want you to do a Find & Replace, Find All search for 'as' as a whole word to see how often you conncect phrases with 'as'. Close the box and you can look at the entire chapter before they disappear.

FINAL COMMENT: The story wraps up with a happy ending, but they'll never know or believe how much these two young teens accomplished in the wilderness. It makes a great action-adventure episode. See those big blocks of text as something that happens when you write a first draft getting all the ideas down. Getting it into an active voice to carry the reader through all the excitement is the next step.
Let me know how you're doing with this. I want to see this story come to life and blast right off the page! Once you do this, you will be a master at writing battle and fight scenes.
Best, Gale
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5
5
Review of Delta 02  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 9 - Bait

I think Jonathan is planning to combat the wolves. This could get interesting and dangerous.

>>> As they set their materials down, Jonathan began to clear out any of the small, baby trees that were along their perimeter.
He doesn't begin clearing until after they set their materials down.
>>> After they set their materials down, Jonathan began...etc.

>>> He had given her the knife only a day ago and she was working it expertly. He didn't know if it was the fear of the attack or the motivation, but Erika was moving on to the next one to rapidly sharpen it.
Rewrite to active voice.

>>> Jonathan's cold gloves were
Start new paragraph.

>>> "Knife." He called out.
Dialogue tag needs a comma and no capital of 'he'.


>>> He put the small shavings in the grow the flames an...
Did you mean, 'in the growing flames'?

>>> as the flames grew.
Duplicating grow-grew,

>>> He watched her nod in acknowledgement before building the fire up.
That would be 'acknowledgment'. Which one of them built up the fire?

>>> Jonathan knew that visibility would likely fall and they would need light. He knew that the animals' boldness was already high, as evident by the one stalking them so closely that morning.
This is becoming a lot of telling. Can this be turned into dialogue? It would increase the tension of the scene. *Smile*

>>> He knew that the animals' boldness was already high, as evident by the one stalking them so closely that morning. Still, he found it difficult to prepare himself. He knew what he was going against, but didn't know how many. As far as he could count, one of them was majorly wounded while another was killed before them, so he knew that one of them was dead. Yet, his mind went back to the howls and cries the night before. Surely, their barks bounced off the trees and echoed around them, but Jonathan could not distinguish between them. If this was his final fight, he knew he would want to put as many of them down as he could while somehow protecting Erika.
Passive narration, which loses any sense of immediacy, Makes it feel dull and slow. Can you get the same idea into one worried thought sequence?

>>> Jonathan looked back to see her a distance away,
This paragraph drags as well. See her alertness, see the necklace & ask the question. Look up, see, think...done! Can you write live internal dialogue?

>>> Erika returned with a number of sticks ideal for making spears.
Take this long block of narration and reduce it to their physical actions, so you get right on to, “Why?” she asked.
And note that the 'she' is not capitalized because it's part of the same sentence as the dialogue. *RollEyes*

>>> "Bait?" Erika asked, her voice with some confusion.
Nice twist. Like this a lot. Simpler to say, 'her voice confused'.

>>> ...and Jonathan looked up at the sky as the clouds began to thicken overhead.
Let Jonathan see the clouds instead of a separate action.
>>> ...and Jonathan looked up to see the clouds thickening overhead.

>>> At the same time, the wind began to blow again and Jonathan knew that the storm was returning.
Passive. Can he feel the cold wind on his face. Looks like the storm...?

>>> As he pushed off the ground and continued to build up the fire, Jonathan watched as Erika continued with her spears,
Two 'continued' back to back.

>>> ...where they marched silently.
What does this mean?

>>> Jonathan had armed himself with the bow staff and had his USP.45 ready with his last stun grenade clipped on his hip.
Why does this have to be past tense? Can't he arm himself now? (The difference between tell and show.) *Worry* Extra space between 'stun' and grenade.

>>> Erika stood perched on the boulder behind them,
New paragraph.

>>> Jonathan's fire held, now the size of a small bonfire.
New paragraph.

>>> As the time grew near, Jonathan stopped his march and knelt down in the snow before taking off his gloves and bandaging his own hands in preparation for their stand. As he did so, he saw the meat wrapped in his jacket from before and took some to eat.
Telling...telling...
>>> Jonathan stopped his march. He knelt down in the snow, taking off his gloves. He bandaged his hands to prepare for their stand. He noticed his jacket wrapped around the meat from before. Pulling out a piece to eat plus one of the larger ones, he called out, “Erika! Here, catch! Have a snack.”

>>> She caught it, fumbling it in the air, before catching it and nibbling on it.
New paragraph.

>>> Jonathan knew that she was hungry,
New paragraph.

>>> "Contact!" Jonathan yelled, his voice filled with sudden urgency and cutting through the winding tree branches and snow.
Delete the 'and'. ...urgency, cutting through...

>>> as he watched her draw an arrow in preparation and placed it in the weapon.
Replace 'placed' with 'place'.

>>> ...a number of howls joined after.
... a number of howls joined one after another. (?)

>>> Without any warning, Jonathan heard a dog yelp in the forest to the right of where he was looking.
I've never heard wolves refereed to as 'dogs'. Better to use 'canine'.

>>> "LOOK OUT!" Jonathan turned the weapon and fired twice before he could see what Erika had spotted before him. The gun puffed twice as Jonathan heard the bullets strike meat and lungs. Another painful growl sounded as Jonathan jumped back, a wolf sliding to a bloody stop at his feet.
...fired twice...and...gun puffed twice. That's four shots? This kind of action is better with shorter sentences. Look at the huge block of text. Break it into ACTION (showing)

>>> However, before he could pull the trigger, Jonathan felt a sharp pain in his right ankle.
New paragraph. Delete the 'however'. And what comes first? The failure to pull the trigger or the sharp pain. Real live action in sequence...?
And remember, short, sharp sentences. *Shock*

>>> As he made a full circle, Jonathan watched as Erika leaped off the boulder...
Rewrite this entire paragraph into live action seen through Jonathan's eyes.
Is he afraid for her? What does he see? He can't get to her. Where is the emotion he feels seeing this vicious attack. This should be getting to the climax of this scene.

>>> "Well do-" Before Jonathan could finish his sentence, he was pushed on the snow, a wolf growling as he slid to a stop and jumped on top of him with a vicious growl.
If you interrupt the dialogue with live action, you don't have to say, before Jonathan could finish his sentence...

>>> "Well do--" Out of the swirling snow, the full weight of a wolf hit his body hard, slamming Jonathan down into the snow. The vicious growl filled his head as he half-rolled toward the fire reaching for a flaming branch. He caught a fast glimpse of Erika's panicked face. With a wicked swing, Jonathan smashed the burning end of the tree limb across the wolf's face. His lungs emptied with a guttural yell. Sparks and ashes flew into the air. The animal yelped in pain scrambling off Jonathan, leaving the scent of burning fur.

(New Paragraph)
>>> Jonathan rolled to his right to find his bo staff. Next to it was bloodied snow, near both the wolves and where he was standing. Jonathan was reminded that he was injured and the fast-pumping adrenaline in his body was blocking the pain from now, but the sight of that much blood had discouraged him.
Sometimes you write 'bo' and other times, 'bow' I think 'bow' avoids confusion.
The lines about the blood are not clear that he sees his own blood to realize he has been wounded. And decide where the injury is. Through his clothes or his exposed face and hands? Also he was bitten on the ankle? Does he have a moment of weakness before he stands? Emotion? No dialogue from Erika after seeing him taken down?
Where is the excitement and emotion?

FINAL COMMENT: This seems like a good place to put another chapter division.
We don't know how badly Jonathan is wounded or if there are more wolves.
Very climactic battle scene that cries to be put into live action. You have pieces, but it does not flow yet. And you know what to do. *Ha* Ha!
You mostly have to deal with the long blocks of narration that are telling the action. Stay inside your character's heads. Jonathan sees it all and it happens to him while he's worried about Erika. That's layers of conflict.
It's going to be a great scene.
As they say, “Write on...”
Best,Gale
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The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 8 - Top of the food chain


Back to survival and waking up in the darkness...What's going to happen?

>>> ...but what drew his attention was Erika, wide awake and frozen.
Erika was not frozen with cold, which this could mean. Maybe add: frozen with fear. (?) Did he follow the direction her eyes were focused?

>>> Jonathan squinted his eyes before he heard a growl, a one close by.
Cut the comma and 'a one'.
...heard a growl close by.

>>> and listened in again.
And listened again. The 'in' sounds like tuning a radio. *Smile*

>>> The wind blew a bit and whipped the tree branches overhead before another growl and snarl sounded off, this one closer than the first that he heard.
Awkward wording. To simplify with less words:
>>> He heard tree branches whipping in the wind, then another growl and snarl, this time closer.

>>> Jonathan rolled over and sat up on his knees, the weapon out and him aiming it in the shadows where the sound was traced back to.
Read this out loud, it's scrambled.
>>> Jonathan rolled over getting up on his knees and aiming his weapon towards the sound in the shadows.

>>> Erika moved from his side and crawled toward the small pile of wood that Jonathan had gathered before dusk had fallen.
Start new paragraph with new character action.

>>> The temperature change had cut the flames down, so much that Jonathan's visibility was drastically lowering. "Erika, don't smother it!"
New paragraph and reads better if you just use his line, which says exactly what is happening. Cut the temperature change stuff.

>>> Jonathan heard something move in the woods, kicking up snow as it dashed by and Jonathan didn't like it.
New Paragraph for Jonathan's action. Would it be stronger without the 'and'?

>>> He spared Erika a glance and saw that she was correctly tending to the flames, as now that the heat was coming back to the fire, it was beginning to consume the wood Erika put on it. As the light brightened up,
Again a lot of words to show a simple action already described.
>>> A quick glace at Erika confirmed she had it under control. The light brightened up.

>>> As the light brightened up, Jonathan saw a hind leg move in the darkness and Jonathan did not hesitate to take the shot.
(Turn it around and lose the 'and'.)
>>> Jonathan did not hesitate to take a shot when he saw a hind leg move in the darkness.

>>> The suppressor silenced the shot and the bullet hit, as Jonathan heard the bullet hit bone and a dog yelp in pain.
Delete 'and the bullet hit', redundant. He actually hears it. *Wink*

>>> ...shuffled through his stuff before he grabbed on to one of the stun grenades.
>>> ...shuffled through his stuff before finding one of the stun grenades.
You know about the meaning of 'grabbed'. *RollEyes*
(Then this sentence says he tossed the firing pin?)
>>> As he pulled it out, he snatched the firing pin from the holder and tossed it in the snow where he heard the yelp.
>>> ...and tossed the grenade into the snow where he heard the yelp.

>>> As Jonathan opened his eyes, he was surprised to see that his vision was disoriented still,
This doesn't make sense if he covered his eyes before the flash. (?)

>>> The smell of that deer carcass may have driven them here."
Rather than 'driven' I'd suggest 'attracted'.

>>> Erika's fear had gotten to her, as her voice was fragile and coarse as she yelled back.
Two 'as' in the same sentence. 'yelled back' suggests that Jonathan was yelling, which he did not. Also that is a dialogue tag requiring a comma.
Maybe rewrite that?

>>> "Here?!"
Can't have both question and apostrophe. If you want the excitement add a dialogue tag: “Here?” she said, her voice raising.

>>> ...before tossing it over the flames and to Erika's feet.
Cut the 'and'.

>>> His voice was frank and cold and Erika froze to his words, her eyes not even glancing at the knife.
You've connected Erika's action to description of Jonathan's dialogue.
To make it active change to:
>>> "All yours. Good luck," he said, his voice frank and cold.
(Then new paragraph for Erika)
>>> Erika froze to his words, her eyes not even glancing at the knife.
(New paragraph for Jonathan)
>>> Jonathan didn't blink, only kept his ears open for any sounds of the returning animals.
(New paragraph for Erika)
>>> Erika blinked after a moment and took her seat back down where she was sleeping, her hand grabbing the knife and keeping it close to her.
(New paragraph for Jonathan)
>>> He kept his eyes on her and she did the same to him. (and the rest of the paragraph..)
Ember, note that narration that is active description of action that jumps from character to character (with or without dialogue) have to be separated. Stringing them together into one long block of text makes reading difficult & editors cranky.

>>> A couple hours later, Jonathan was awoken by the sun's rays falling on his face and warming his skin.
>>> The sun's ray falling on his face and warming his skin woke Jonathan a couple hours later.


>>> As if he had never slept,
Doesn't this belong to the seeing of Erika? She hasn't moved.

>>> The twigs he used where singeing 'from' the flames.
Change 'to' to from. New sentence: Jonathan found himself...

(cut 'and' and reorder action)
>>> When one of the flames singed his finger, Jonathan quickly took his hand back and waved it in the air to cool it off. Coincidentally, Erika woke up.

Figures.

Erika smiled as she saw him waving his hand in air. "At least there's a lot of ice around."


(New paragraph:)
>>> Jonathan rolled his eyes...etc.

before taking the one he put his fingers on and giving Erika the other one. He leaned to the left and reached around the flames to hand Erika her kabob of meat.

Notice you give Erika the meat twice.
>>> ...before taking the one he put his fingers on, he leaned to the left, reaching around he flames to hand Erika the other kabob.
(delete 'and' & 'of meat' since the kabob is the meat.)

>>> She stretched her hand out and grabbed it as she sat up. no comment *Wink*

>>> "Eww!" Jonathan looked up to her face in disgust
Sounds like Jonathan's face is in disgust. *Gag*
(It looks like it should go together like this:)
>>> "Wait, you've never had steak and eggs?" Jonathan looked up to see disgust on her face as the words left his mouth.

"Eww! That's a man's breakfast."

Jonathan smiled as she began to chew on some of the deer he had just cooked. "She said, as she ate wild deer," he teased.


(Now this:)
>>> " Erika giggled and Jonathan accepted that she was thinking in her right mind again. Erika did not hesitate to gobble down the deer that he had just cooked and Jonathan presumed she was very hungry. He was as well, but in anticipation of this training program, Jonathan knew to fight his hunger off and he had done so before. The meat he ate yesterday was still enough for him that morning, although he knew that he would get hungry later that day and needed to eat.
Active, direct thoughts or action would work so much better than this passive narration. How much can you delete and get on with the story? *BigSmile*

>>> Erika's eyes follow him as he turned away and checked the surroundings, the snow stopping and the sun reflecting off of almost everything he saw.
POV slip *Wink*

>>> The blood was near a stump under a tree, just fifty meters downhill from where they were. As Jonathan got closer to its location, his mind went back to the shot he took in the dark. The wolf's cry came from that direction and Jonathan figured the blood he saw was the result. He thought back again to the chances of him actually hitting it and he took a moment to look back at the snow den they had made. But as Jonathan noted the distance, he frowned. Jonathan saw the blood pile, a lot of it soaking in the snow, but a few footprints could be seen. There was no corpse.
This slides into passive voice. And back gets a workout. Jonathan found the blood near a stump under a tree. (can you describe the blood?) It couldn't have been more than fifty meters downhill from where he had taken the shot. --- is he excited, confused, concerned? Blood, but no corpse? That could mean the animal is still alive. Scary tension could build here.

>>> Jonathan watched her gain ten meters before he kickied some snow on the flames
...kicked

>>> "Relative positioning." Jonathan answered bluntly.
One sentence, needs a comma.

>>> "Good. Hopefully I can use the restroom then." Erika explained.
One sentence, needs a comma.

>>> Jonathan heard the crunch of Erika's boot from behind him...
This paragraph is really good. You've done short, clear sentences building the pace and excitement of Jonathan's action. *ThumbsUp*

>>> ...prompting its last-minute yelp in pain
...yelp of pain.

>>> ... and motioned to place an arrow
... and moved to place an arrow

>>> As he gained some distance, it...
It would make more sense to say: As he approached, …

J >>> Jonathan cut his eyes before aiming the USP.45...
What does 'cut his eyes' mean?

>>> "It's stalking us, Jonathan!"
It is dead now, so wouldn't she say, “It was stalking us, Jonathan!”
and stronger to say: “Jonathan, it was stalking us!”

>>> "Why us?!" Erika asked. The anxiety flooded her voice and Jonathan didn't blame her for being fearful. It was too much for him to handle.
Cut the 'and'. Start a new paragraph with: Jonathan didn't blame...etc.

>>> "Those things eat us for breakfast.
"Those things will eat us for breakfast.

>>> Jonathan smiled to her agreement.
Should be a new paragraph.

FINAL COMMENT: You have some sections that work perfectly, but still review the general rules for paragraphs: I know it's a pain, but it comes with writing fiction in the English language. *BigSmile*

Think of paragraph breaks as giving the reader a second of pause to take the content in, absorb the meaning and place it in greater image of the story. It's a bite-sized portion of information. Sentences are for clarity while reading and sections/chapters are for continuity separation, but paragraphs are the most important units of information, absorbable by the reader as a whole.
>>> Every utterance by a different person needs a new paragraph.
>>> Essentially, every turn of action should get a new paragraph, especially if it's a different character.


Good tension in the story. I think the mystery of why the wolves are tracking them is good and scary. Maybe add some distant howls near the end to reinforce the threat. (?) Also I like the idea that Jonathan is not perfect and this new situation has un-nerved him. I keep thinking there is more to Erika's back- story since she has surprising skill and resilience. Good job with content of this sequence. Several sections need your attention to move them from passive to active, but it's all there.
Best, Gale
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The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 7 - We're twins!


This is a short chapter, but I kept it separate because it doesn't belong with the previous or next chapters. Just a bit confusing.

>>> Jonathan checked the time on the oven from his room and squinted his eyes before making it out and opening up his old "holiday" music folder and clicking the play button.
Feels like there is some missing information.
>>> With squinted eyes, Jonathan checked his room's computer for the time on the oven. Then he opened up his old "holiday" music folder and clicked the play button.

>>> As he turned around, Alexandra walked pass the stairwell, looking around the house as the music played.
New character, new action. Start a new paragraph to break up the long block of narration.

Note that at this moment, Jonathan is inside his room and Alexandra is outside in the hall. Not sure how his room relates to the stairwell? Where did Alexandra come from? She just came into the house or from another room?

>>> ...as she dropped her jacket and merrily trotted to his doorway and jumped to give him a hug.
Alexandra is dressed up, wearing high heels, looking quite grown up. The words 'trotted' and 'jumped' do not match the image, unless she reverts to a childish teenager, which blows the image. I think she is being more seductive. (?)

>>> for the embracement
This is a little formal for the moment, don't you think. You could just say:
>>> He mentally thanked himself for getting his arms free in time to hug her back. They pulled away from each other to look into each other's eyes.

>>> He could taste the cherries and the warmth and affection gave him that extraordinary relaxation that he could never find.
He also is going to have crimson red lipstick on his mouth and face unless you give her a more subtle lip makeup. *RollEyes*

>>> ...where the food he made was awaiting.
...awaiting should be 'waiting'.
Note that we started the chapter with checking the oven, which tells us that part of the meal is not served yet.
The soup would go in a bowl, served first. The medallions with scalloped potatoes would probably be in the oven to stay warm. (?)

>>> Alexandra's hand calmly slipped over his which grabbed the plate...
Need a comma before 'which'. And remember the definition of 'grabbed” = to seize suddenly and roughly. Find another word. *Smile*

>>> ...and Jonathan sighed as Alexandra smiled in his face.
Lose the 'and'. Make a new sentence. Connecting non-related actions with 'and' makes it harder to read.

>>> ...as it was a silent sign of Alexandra that he was going too far.
I think this would make more sense as: ...sign 'from' Alexandra that...
She's trying to let him know he's over-doing it.

This text block about the food and trying to serve it, is very scrambled. I think you should lay out the action in a chronological order and let him talk while he is serving. Why does the narrator tell us what the food is. Jonathan can tell Alexandra with his dialogue. *Worry*

>>> "Thank you." She grabbed the plate from his hand and began to make her own. Jonathan reached around her and grabbed his plate before making his as well.
I'd call this a 'grab-fest'! You really must never use this word again and find some new ones. It only belongs in first-draft-getting-the-ideas-down.

>>> in the doorway to the dining.
...dining room.

>>> Alexandra rolled her eyes as her shoulders sunk and she grabbed her seat across from him.
...'sunk' is not right, maybe slumped? Grabbed her seat?
>>> ...as she seated herself across from him.

>>> As she sat, Jonathan couldn't help
She's already sat, cut 'as she sat'.
New paragraph with: Jonathan couldn't help...

>>> Jonathan looked up from the bottles of Andrto see Alexandra's head bowed and her hands clapped together.
Need a space between 'Andr' and 'to'
And 'clapped' should be 'clasped'.

>>> before her whispering stopped and a light "amen" was spared.
...'spared' would mean there was none. Don't you mean 'shared'?

>>> "Amen." Jonathan said,
OMG you did a dialogue tag. This requires the comma! *BigSmile*
“Amen,” Johathan said, his tone...

>>> "You could be my cook." Jonathan assumed a playful smile on her face and he chuckled to himself again. "But in actuality, we never discussed what you actually wanted to do career-wise. I guess that you did a good job at keeping the focus on me."
Total confusion here. Is this Alexandra's dialogue?
...'assumed ' a playful smile... (a Jonathan action?) Is she asking about his career? *Confused*

>>> ...for a little over two months and I feel that I know...
I think the 'and' weakens the two thoughts. Let them be separate.

FINAL COMMENT: Not related to the winter survival with Erika, so that's a big question. This chapter is Jonathan doing Thanksgiving meal for Alexandra, with a kiss and some grown-up talk. And of course, I want to know more about Jonathan. A couple sections require some creative rewriting, but the scene is all there though not as intimate and personal as I know you can make it.
Happy writing!
Best, Gale
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The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 6 – Who are you?


Here we go. Still out in the snow with Jonathan and Erika.

>>> Jonathan smiled before turning his body and taking a few brief steps before starting a light job.
I think you mean a 'light jog' *Wink*

>>> Erika wanted her answer, but the cool air persuaded her to go with him.
This would be a POV slip if this scene belongs to Jonathan.

>>> "Seattle. My parents were going to visit family, but they couldn't beat the snow." Erika explained between breaths. Her voice was broken, and Jonathan noticed of this and pondered that perhaps Erika was either struggling to keep up or talking and running was not her forte either. "You?"
It would be stronger writing to keep this in active voice.
>>>“Seattle. My parents planned to visit family, but they couldn't beat the snow,”
she explained between breaths. “You?”

(new paragraph)
>>>Jonathan noticed Erika's voice breaking, probably from struggling to keep up and talking at the same time.

>>> as we can." He assured.
As we can,” he assured. Dialogue tag, comma, one sentence, no cap.

>>> That's what you get for mentioning parents.
This belongs with the next paragraph, and since it is internal dialogue, perhaps add: ...parents, he thought.

>>> "16."
Should be: “Sixteen.”

>>> If you think a fourteen-year-old can take you down,
I'm shocked. This is a time jump back into the past? I though Jonathan was 16 going on 17.

>>> "You mean you don't have food?" Erika cried out to him.
This dialogue section while they are running reads smooth and well written.
*ThumbsUp*

>>> in which Jonathan and Erika were glad.
Suggest cutting this so it reads:
The wind had also died down. Had it not been for that, the temperature drop would have affected them more.

>>> a small part of the earth.
'earth' sounds awkward, try 'ground'.

>>> He handed Erika the knife back and she sat and watched as Jonathan expertly worked on the fire.
Maybe start a new paragraph here to break the long block of text. Cut the 'and' and make two sentences. The two unrelated actions are better separated.

>>> Erika sat in a clearing and watched Jonathan took out the black bow with some of the arrows with highlighted tails.
Touching on a POV slip. I'd just cut 'Erika sat in a clearing and watched'

>>> "Wait is that a...?"
Erika dialogue must be a separate line.

>>> 'Within the hour,' OR 'before long,'
one or the other, but not both. *Smile*

>>> Erika nodded her head slowly, not taking her eyes off the deer and holding the bow still.
This is a long paragraph. I think you want it to build tension about Erika shooting or not. The sentences are too long and there is too much extra information. The action gets lost in all the considerations. It's mental,but it has the tension qualities of a fight scene. *Worry*

>>> Jonathan wasn't sure if it was sheer coincidence
The same goes for this long paragraph. Too much info if it can't fit into shorter sentences to move with the action.

>>> It was aimed directly at him.
A great surprise and raises the excitement level.

>>> "Look!" She yelled over breaths, her left hand pointing in the woods behind him.
Erika dialogue. Separate from Jonathan's action.

>>> Jonathan had carved enough of the meat for them to eat...
I would cut the 'had'. The tense is getting all mixed within the paragraph. You are telling instead of showing so the narration feels distant and heavy with the narrator's voice. Show us what happens with them and Jonathan's real time thoughts about Erika. *Wink*

>>> Yet, even with that fear, his nightmare came back in mind.
Maybe clearer if: 'back to his mind.'
This is an interesting jump into an important memory and leads us to focus on the Solarium necklace. Cool.

>>> Jonathan instinctively concealed it, tightening his grip around the metal and completely covering it from view.
Separate character action needs a new paragraph. And can contain Jonathan's next dialogue.

>>> Jonathan gazed back at the fire before...
Maybe start a new paragraph. Sort of a change of tone and mood.
It is very interesting that he gives Erika the piece of metal. I think it will bring them closer together as friends.

>>> his rookie mistake would have cost him his life if Erika was actually targeting him.
I'm not sure about this idea. He is almost paranoid and looking at everyone as a potential threat.

FINAL COMMENT: A number of important things happen. They kill a deer for food, and we learn about the blue metal that becomes a gift. Erika has more skill than Jonathan expected. The narration about the deer hunt and kill want to be more straight action and less narration. You are missing the good part about the meat cooking, the hunger, the smell, the juicy satifaction. *Ha* The sense of being there by the fire in the snow is a sensual event. (Hint) I think what you learned about fight scenes can be applied to the bow and arrow hunting.
Every time there is a mention about the past history with Max, I become more curious about exactly what happened. Keeps me reading.
Best, Gale
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The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 5 - Erika


Jonathan's survival test becomes more complicated with the introduction of a new character and the winter storm continues. This is long, but with a purpose.

>>> He stopped in his tracks and he breathed in and took in the fragrance of smog, unlike a natural smoke.
Combine into one action instead of the 'and' connect.
>>> He stopped in his tracks breathing in the fragrance of smog, unlike a natural smoke.

>>> From further distances,
Cut this phrase, the action is clearer without it. Start with: Jonathan thought it was a fireplace...

>>> Jonathan knew that something wasn't right with the weather and a normal person would either dig in or call it quits, but the smoke was unusual.
Can you change this to a real-time internal thought? Stay with Jonathan.
OR cut this sentence and and pick up the next paragraph, which starts with an internal thought. (?)

OK, Ember, I want you to see an experiment. Just in this chapter. I'm posting it below I did an Edit, Find & Replace, for 'and',and chose Find All. See the results: I did them red and bold...*Shock* Sort of a visual-in-your-face!
- - - - - - - - -
Jonathan could smell smoke as he continued his travels out toward the second POI. He stopped in his tracks and he breathed in and took in the fragrance of smog, unlike a natural smoke. From further distances, Jonathan thought it was a fireplace or a campfire, but as he was coming closer and the wind changed directions, Jonathan didn't smell wooden tinder, but oily smoke. He stood on the top of an old tree stump as he breathed through his scarf, his body completely covered except for his nose, as he inhaled. The snow had only gotten worse, thick snowflakes falling down and piling onto the ground as the wind blew up the lighter snowflakes and obscured his vision. Jonathan knew that something wasn't right with the weather and a normal person would either dig in or call it quits, but the smoke was unusual.

Something's not right. Another gust of frozen wind shot a puff of the smoke in his nostrils, strong enough that he could smell it through the scarf that covered the bottom of his face. He looked around before rubbing his snow goggles of the snow and proceeding forward. He took careful steps forward, continuing the march as he patted his USP.45 on his belt. Jonathan wasn't sure what to expect as he continued forward. If he stumbled upon people, he would have to evade. With the winter conditions, he assumed it would be easy to go about unseen. He just needed to know.

There was a sound, a metal clamping down to his foot as he stepped off a log and onto the ground. The sound bounced off the trees and Jonathan looked around, trying to track its source. The steep incline to his left was nothing but snow and there was no trace of any metal. As he stepped again, the metal cracked and Jonathan knew it was under his feet. He drew his weapon and kneeled down before brushing the snow aside with his leather gloves and found a car door, crumpled and mangled from an obvious collision. Jonathan looked up to his left, trying to find any metal, but he knew it was pointless. He remained still, trying to listen for cars or traffic, but after a moment of nothing but the wind blowing, Jonathan knew that no one could be driving in this weather. It would be absurd.

Burning rubber? Maybe a car broke down, but it's not my problem. Jonathan figured worse case that it was a car broken down or evidence of a collision months if not, years ago. He shrugged it off and kneeled up as he checked his surroundings and moved forward, keeping the gun at his side and loosely walking in the direction of the POI, keeping the incline to his left.

As he turned the corner, the sight caught him off guard and he quickly took a step back, moving the gun in both hands and holding it ahead of him. Damnit. His heart raced to the excitement and shock as he leaned down and slowly inched forward. It wasn't a person, from what he could tell. The size and its motionlessness stood out. The glowing flames blew to the side, dying to the slightest breeze of frigid air. Jonathan eased over around the corner again, first scanning for anyone and then quickly turning with the weapon raised. It was a wrecked car, the rear side stabbed with a piece of metal forked in it. The hood was smashed and the windshield in pieces with a large tree branch stabbing through it. The fractured glass was painted in blood and the snow that fell on it was absorbing it and turning to a warm red colored mush. Jonathan didn't know what he was looking at, his mind only thinking that he may have stumbled on a murder scene. The weather made it unlikely, but at a second thought made him think otherwise.

He approached slowly, moving the gun to his sides while scanning around and making sure no hostile was present. There were no bodies or no blood trails. Perhaps with the rate of snowfall, Jonathan thought it may have been covered up. But he would have seen other signs before. From the indentation in the frozen earth, Jonathan looked to his left to see the trail in which the car had fallen, twisting tree branches and violently moving boulders and crushing bushes on its descent down. He looked back at the car and examined the passenger door open. Jonathan looked around again and then back at the hill to see if he had missed something. He stepped to the side and looked at the ground, kneeling down and letting his fingers sweep the snow. His fingers brushed the newly fallen snow aside as his fingers hit and traced a hardened layer of snow underneath. Its ridges and bumps outlined that of a boot and Jonathan looked around, trying to assure that no one was near. As his fingers outlined a footprint, Jonathan brushed all the snow aside and looked at the direction of the print. It was a step back toward the ledge and Jonathan squinted his eyes to try to make out anyone climbing up it, but with the wind blowing the snow, it was impossible for him to see that far.

No one would go through with that. He stepped up and walked toward the end of the car before circling around the torn metal and placing his hand on the trunk. As his leather gloves met the metal, the door of the trunk clamped down a bit. Jonathan stopped as he could feel the car move a bit on its own, almost like a nudge. His breathing quickened as he tightened the grip on the weapon and rotated his body to face the trunk of the car. Jonathan's left hand slid to the left of the trunk before his fingers wrapped underneath the opening. Warm air met his hands and began to melt the snow stuck to his gloves as he tightened his grip and opened the door, his gun pointed at the opening.

There was a gasp over the wind as Jonathan saw a young girl, around his age. She was wrapped in her coat and a thin blanket and was looking right at him as they met eyes. From the look of her eyes, Jonathan saw the remains of tears. Her beady eyes confirmed her fear and Jonathan was sure that she was shaking from fear and not the cold.

Damn. Jonathan didn't expect anyone to be in it, perhaps a clue to what happened here. But now that he was staring at her with a gun, he was certain that she was terrified.

He lifted the weapon up slowly, letting the weapon rotate along his index finger and raising his other hand up as well. "It's okay. I'm not here to hurt you."

"Who are you?" She didn't move, her eyes only blinking as snowflakes landed close to her face. Jonathan didn't know what to say, not that he didn't know the answer, but didn't know how to react.

"I'm Jonathan. I'm taking part in a Special Forces training program. I stumbled across here and found you. What's your name?" He asked.

She didn't move again, only kept her brown beady eyes locked onto his. "I'm Erika."

"What happened here, Erika? Are you hurt?"

Erika shook her head. "No, I'm fine. Just cold. My parents hit a deer on the road and the car slid down. I thought they were coming for me." She sniffled and Jonathan hoped she wouldn't start crying.

He lowered his hands and holstered the weapon to his side before looking behind him. "Your parents are up there? Are they okay?"

"My mom was knocked out, but my dad got her out. But the car was sliding and I was scared and I didn't know what to do. My dad tried to help..." She started sniffling more and Jonathan watched as the dried tears began to wash away to new ones.

Jonathan was eager for information. "When? How long ago?" But Erika shook her head as she couldn't hold herself anymore and the tears started streaming down.

"I don't know. Maybe ten hours ago?" Jonathan sighed before debating what to do. Part of him wanted to help her, but he wasn't sure if he could. Even if he called for help and utilized the emergency beacon, the storm would be too much for them to try to get them. Jonathan watched Erika cry as she readjusted herself on her blanket and looked at her pile of empty fruit snack wrappers, likely what she was eating to keep her energized. "Can you call for help?" She managed to get through her sniffles.

Jonathan shook his head. "If we did, they wouldn't be able to do anything. I would hope that your parents found help where they were, but no one could get to us with this storm." Erika sat up and crossed her legs as Jonathan continued to think. He watched the gusts of wind and knew that Erika couldn't stay here. Even if he had marked up top with flares, no one would be driving in the weather. He only had one other option, but he didn't like it. "I guess you'll have to come with me. Your parents are smart and they know where you are, but this weather has likely shut down everything. If we get to my extraction point, then we can get you to safety first. Can you walk?" She nodded her head and Jonathan set his backpack down before taking out some additional clothing, a sweater, socks, and an extra pair of gloves before tossing them to her. He quickly moved to the driver's seat and scanned the car remains for anything else, ideally a lighter, paper for fuel, or anything he could use for warmth, but the car was already ruined with dirt, snow, and bloodied glass.

The car shook mildly as Erika hopped out of the trunk, quickly taking off her winter coat and putting on his black turtleneck sweater. Jonathan thought it was an odd thing for him to have with him, likely concealed with his underarmor and clothing and out of his sight, but now it was useful for him to have. As Jonathan stepped out, he could see Erika fully, her short, straight, blonde hair collecting snowflakes as the winter storm continued to bury them both. Her tears stopped flowing down her white cheeks, red from the bitter cold air hitting them. Her eyes were wide and observant, looking at everything and reacting to every noise. Jonathan figured perhaps it was shock that was somehow delayed, but it had disappeared when she took a few steps around the car. She was staring at the descent that the car had fallen down and Jonathan wondered what she was thinking.

"I should be dead..." She spoke aloud, turning to look at him. She was worried, her eyelashes and teenage makeup smeared, but her voice drunk with relief. Jonathan walked toward her and watched as her eyes scanned him, likely looking for the gun he had put away. She had a right to be scared and to not trust him, but Jonathan knew that the same applied to her. Jonathan doubted that this was an elaborate setup by Matt Watson, especially if this was someone his age. But he didn't know her either, or more importantly, how she acted under stress or fear. Jonathan understood that survival was contingent on sanity and simple objectives.

He walked to her side and looked up the steep hill that the car had collapsed down and Erika turned and looked up at the hill with him. "No, death didn't mean to claim you here." He glanced at her to see her eyes back at him so quickly, frozen on him with what Jonathan wasn't sure was fascination or distress. "Before we set out, let's make this clear. I'm setting out to a set points of interest for extraction. You're invited to join, but we have to do so quickly. Once we get to the extraction point, then I can call for help and hopefully get you to your parents. Are you in?"

Erika only blinked before nodding her head.

With that, Jonathan kneeled down and took out the bo staff that he recovered from the drop site and handed it to her before looking at the car and the direction in which it fell. The excitement of finding someone had distracted him from his location, but now, he was able to relocate himself just by his surroundings. Visibility was getting worse as he gauged his location and set off. He waited as Erika slipped her jacket over his sweater and moved behind him. Jonathan debated pulling out his weapon again, but didn't see much use in it if he couldn't see far enough. Jonathan could trace his route by the wind mostly, as its direction was consistent to yesterday's and he remembered the news report. Although all he could see was white and distant trees, Jonathan knew he was in the right direction and would be able to verify it when the heavy parts of the storm passed by.

Jonathan felt something was wrong as he and Erika moved by a few feet from the car when he stopped and turned around. To his surprise, Erika was not with him, but instead, staring at the bloodied, frozen windshield with the tree lodged in the center. Erika was frozen by it, staring at it and not letting the snowflakes force her to blink. Jonathan watched her for a second before walking back to her side and standing in silence with her. The wind howled and the trees whipped and threw pinecones and fragments of branches in the snow below. As the wind began to pick up, Jonathan turned to face a motionless Erika, confused by her dead stare at the ruined, black 2004 Honda Accord. Jonathan couldn't help but guess that she was thinking about the crash and how lucky she was. He couldn't imagine what fear-tainted thoughts were running through her mind, but he was equally lucky that he didn't stumble upon her frozen body.

"I'm sure your parents are fine." He offered to her as he swatted at a snowflake that was too large for him to resist.

She nodded her head. "I'm sure they know how to survive in this weather, but what about me?"

Jonathan smiled to the question. "Maybe you are lucky, after all." Erika spared a fragile smile and Jonathan nudged his head to his right. "Can you run?"

"How far?"


It shows 'and' was used 105 times! Your narration is strung together with all those disconnected bits of action and description. This is FIRST DRAFT when you first wrote your ideas down. Essential to get the story out of your head and onto the screen, but THEN you have to polish and edit. *BigSmile*

>>> Maybe a car broke down,
Note that you repeat ' a car broken down' in the next sentence.

>>> As he turned the corner,
The use of 'corner' belongs in a city, not out in nature. Gotta be a better way to say that. (?)
>>> eased over around the corner again
A 'corner' of what? A tree? A big rock?

>>> moving boulders and crushing bushes on its descent down.
You are missing the obvious thought that there must be a highway up above.

>>> examined the passenger door open.
...examined the open passenger door.

>>> as he tightened his grip and opened the door,
We don't call a trunk lid, a 'door'.
...he tightened his grip to open the trunk lid,...

>>> She was wrapped in her coat and a thin blanket and was looking right at him as they met eyes.
First view is incomplete. Hair showing & color? Is she wearing a hat, a hoodie?
He would be aware of a lot of information at this first view. (?) Plus too many 'and's.
Note: >>> ...as their eyes met.

>>> Jonathan didn't know what to say,
New paragraph. Jonathan's action

>>> She started sniffling more and Jonathan watched as the dried tears began to wash away to new ones.
You've stuck a Jonathan action in the middle of an Erika dialogue. I suggest cutting it. We know he's seeing her action.
Also: >>> She started sniffing more as new tears began to wash away the old ones.

>>> Jonathan sighed before debating what to do.
New paragraph. Narration of Jonathan's action cannot be in the same paragraph as Erika's real-time dialogue.

>>> "Can you call for help?" She managed to get through her sniffles.
Must be a new paragraph.

>>> She nodded her head and Jonathan set his backpack down...
See, these two actions do not belong together with an 'and'.

>>> and an extra pair of gloves before tossing them to her.
Feels awkward unless he says something. (?)

>>> He quickly moved to the driver's seat...
New paragraph, new action. Dump the 'and':
...driver's seat to scan the car remains for...

>>> As Jonathan stepped out,
Back out of the driver's seat, he saw...

>>> but it had disappeared when she took a few steps around the car. She was staring at the descent that the car had fallen down and Jonathan wondered what she was thinking.
New paragraph with real-time action:
>>> Erika took a few steps around the car. She stared at the descent the car had fallen down. Then go right on with her dialogue: "I should be dead..." Cut the ellipse.
(Jonathan does not have to wonder, because she tells him.) *Smile*

>>> She was worried,
POV slip. Plus it's passive. It should be what he sees.

>>> Jonathan walked toward her and watched as her eyes scanned him,
New paragraph, new character action.
>>> Jonathan walked towards her, watching as her eyes scanned him...

Cut the 'and' and combine the two actions. You have to decide if they are part of the same moment, can they can flow together? Otherwise, they are two sentences or even another paragraph.

>>> I'm setting out to a set points of interest
(Note setting and set in the same phrase.)
>>> I intend to move to a set point of interest...

>>> With that, Jonathan kneeled down and took out the bo staff that he recovered from the drop site and handed it to her before looking at the car and the direction in which it fell.
Too many actions in one sentence.
...kneeled = knelt
...bo staff = bpw staff
>>> With that, Jonathan knelt down taking out the bow staff, recovered from the drop site, and handed it to her. Then he looked up at the direction the car had fallen.

>>> ... as he gauged his location and set off. He waited as Erika...
(He didn't set off, because he waited.)
>>> ...as he gauged his location and prepared to set off. He waited as Erika...

>>> pinecones
pine cones (two words)

>>> "How far?"
I wonder if she means that she is a runner...or not?

FINAL COMMENT: It looks like Jonathan is taking on a huge responsibility. This is a great complication and makes the story much more intriguing.
Nice plotting, Ember. The chapter needs a lot of polishing and lifting it up out of the first draft mode. The story is all there under a network of 'and's. *Laugh*
I'm anxious to see what you do with it.
Best, Gale
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Review of Delta 02  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 4 – Winter Storm


We're about to meet some new characters and add many layers to the complicated story of Delta 02.

>>> Andrea Cole gripped the chair rest next to her seat as her husband continued to speed along the empty road along one of the fake mountain peaks in the national forest.
(arm rest is more specific, note the two 'along'.)
>>> ...gripped the arm rest next to her seat because her husband continued to speed along the empty road in the national forest.
The 'fake' mountain peaks stopped me cold. Can't imagine what you mean? The information is important that they are in a national forest.

>>> "Eric, just slow down, will you?" Andrea asked with concernas Eric tightened his grip on the wheel and gently tapped on the accelerator.
You have Andrea's dialogue combined with Eric's action. Separate paragraph.
>>> "Eric, just slow down, will you?" Andrea asked with concern.
Replace 'tapped' with 'pressed'

>>> Eric only stared out the covered windshield as he toggled his high beams on to test his view.
In snow, the wipers are going all the time, otherwise you are blinded within a few seconds. High beams make it impossible to see beyond the falling snow in front of the vehicle. If the windshield is 'covered' he cannot see out. Re-think this with wipers. *Smile*

( 'was' playing?)
They continued down the winding road with the radio playing the weather.

>>> Erika Gianna Cole sat in the back,
Start new paragraph for new character and action.

>>> Erika Gianna Cole sat in the back, her headphones on and listening to Corrine Bailey Rae's Like a Star as she watched the fattening snowflakes nearly white out her view outside.
Too much information in one sentence. Generally use quotation marks for song titles. Cut the 'as', make new sentence. 'white-out' is hyphenated. Note that you've already use 'fat' to describe snow flakes (big, large, fluffy)

>>> Even with the white snow, the sheer volume of snow began to darken the morning's overcast.
Note repetition of the word 'snow' and repeating 'white' from the previous sentence. I would cut 'Even with the white snow'. (We know it's white)

>>> Everything will be-"
The dash suggests interrupted dialogue, but you don't have an interruption, so finish the line, or cut it.

>>> When she was younger, she thought that their exchanges were discussions of love and passion, but as she got older, she found that their frequent discussions were arguments and the more she witnessed it, the more she understood that her parents were eventually moving to a divorce.
Way too much. Simplify.

>>> But in instances like now, her headphones weren't enough to block out their words and she rolled her eyes as she watched the snow.
(use less words, note the 'and' and 'as' connectors)
>>> She rolled her eyes watching the snow. Now even her headphones couldn't block out their words.

>>> The continuing argument wouldn't get a fifth dispute, as before Erika could mentally notice the silence and relief, her ears were filled with her mother's screams.
This is a very round-about narration into what is a sudden, dramatic moment.

>>> The argument stopped abruptly. Her mother screamed, “ERICK LOOK OUT!”
(Remember, the faster the action, the shorter the sentences.) *Shock*

I think the action of the crash narrative gets a little out of order. This is from
Erica's POV.
>>> Her mother's screams scared her. (Instant sound first.)
>>> she saw a large brown object move over the hood of the car and over the top.
>>>The 2004 Honda Accord bumped and jerked as the windshield immediately cracked. (airbag? Sound?)
>>> The car was swaying to the right and as Eric fought the spinning, it moved more out of control.
>>>Erika's head bounced off the seat cushion, knocking her headphones off and throwing her arms in the air, (Erika voice sound?)
>>> the windshield, caked with snow and blood, (Has to be a fast glimpse)
>>> Her headphones, her purse, and her MP3 player flew back and forth before finally wrecking into something on the right (She would be moving too!)
>>> The crash broke the glass on the passenger side windows
>>> The sound of twisting metal filled the car as the car broke through the metal guard rail and the car began to lean down at the sudden incline into the snowy forest below,(This goes beyond the POV)
Imagine how it would feel INSIDE THE CAR IN THE BACK SEAT when it hits the guardrail. Sound, impact, direction she might be thrown? She wouldn't know exactly what happened until later. Stay with Erika. Where does her head end up?

>>> As the car finally slid to a stop, Erika could hear the whimpering of her mom, her body motionless as her father leaned against the steering wheel, his forehead bleeding against the wheel when the airbag failed to deploy.
Making one sentence does not make it easier to read. Break it up.
Feel the motion of the car and sudden or slow stop. Sound? She would have to sit up to look forward to check mother & father. What does she see from the back seat? Mother's airbag has deployed.

>>> Her body didn't have enough time to produce adrenaline in the shock and all that was left was fear.
>>> Because of the shock, her body didn't have enough time to produce arenaline---nothing remained except fear.

>>> Eric Cole growled as he gritted his teeth to the throbbing pain in his forehead, fighting the stun of his forehead slamming into the pleather wheel.
MEMO FOR EMBER: You've got to proof more carefully. You need to see that you've repeated 'forehead' twice and a typo on 'leather'. Try reading the text out loud, you'll catch a lot right then! AND that this is a POV slip. Erika has to see this.
>>> She could see her father gritting his teeth from the throbbing pain in his forehead from slamming into the leather wheel.

>>> and Erika slowly leaned forward to face her father.
Move this down to start the next paragraph before, “Dad!”

>>> At the sound of her voice, Eric Cole jumped out of his stun...
Start another paragraph. Different character's action.

>>> ...and quickly turned to unclick his seatbelt. The car shifted forward toward the ridge. He froze. (need reaction from Erika)

(New paragraph)
>>> Erika was reaching for hers when the car began to move back slowly.
Does her movement cause the weight to shift back?

>>> A sharp metal end of the guard rail had punctured the trunk of the car and pinned it from behind, catching its fall. Eric Cole could see the crease of the metal along the road and how it was slowly bending back, eventually tearing and due to break.
You are in Erika's POV. Eric would have to say something to tell her what is happening. Then maybe she can twist around to see it starting to give way.(?)

Erika pleaded as her tears began to drip on the floor.
>>> Her face wet with tears, Erika pleaded, “Don't leave me!"

>>> "I'm not." He hushed his child before moving to unstrap Andrea from the passenger's seat. Erika's mother began to murmur as he yanked the seatbelt free and crawled out of his seat and toward hers. He moved over his wife and pressed against the car handle, but her door didn't budge. Eric snarled as he looked back and kicked his open, the door crackling with glass as it swung open. The car budged and Erika screamed as her father froze and waited for the movement to stop.
Rewrite this enough so that it is from Erika's point of view watching him struggle with her mother's unconscious body. Stay with Erika! I think she's terrified.

>>> "It's okay, I'll be right back for you!"
separate dialogue line.

Make a clearer picture of the position of the car. The end of the guardrail is in the trunk---which means all of the car is OUTSIDE of the guardrails and precariously hanging over the edge. Maybe at an angle so the driver side door can open out over the very last of the ground before the drop-off. Does that make sense? The bulk of the car's weight has to be over the edge and only held by the rail in the trunk.

>>> As Eric slipped out of the car, he stepped into an inch of snow, the car creaked and he froze.
This is the largest weight shift that has happened. When Andrea is free of the car, there should be a bigger shift of the vehicle. Erika screams, mother wakes. The snowflakes on Andrea are out of the POV. Only her dialogue can be heard

>>> "Eric, where's Erika?" She whispered.

"MOM! I'M RIGHT HERE! HELP ME! PLEASE!" She cried out through the wind.

Leaving Andrea, Eric dashed to grab the rear bumper to stop the car from leaning more. It only slowed. Too much of the car's weight was over the edge. The metal rail was twisting and due to snap at any second.

“Erika, don't mov---” His words were cut off as the guard rail snapped in two and The car began slipping over the crumbling edge. ”Nooo---I can't hold it!

Andrea cried out, “Oh my God! Erika! My baby!”


See, short, sweet, terrifying action.
From here the POV has to stay with Erika INSIDE THE CAR. That's the last she hears from her parents.

>>> The car rolled and flipped twice on its descent before finally crashing down at the bottom and slamming into two trees, a branch shooting through the shattered windshield and into the seat directly behind the driver's seat. Erika was left with only a few cuts and bruises and she was knocked out, her seatbelt jammed and locked tight from the first collision above. With the windshield gone and the driver side door ripped off its hinges, the remaining heat that did not escape the broken windows or open door rapidly seeped out of the car and dropped the temperature of the cavity.

Mostly outside of Erika's POV. Let her be aware of some of the descent---first roll and maybe the first flip---then she blacks out.

This would be the next paragraph:
>>> As more wind blew and snowflakes began to pile up on the wreckage, Erika finally became aware of herself.
Pain, specific parts of her body? The cold. Eyes open, struggle up, windows broken, snow, more cold, wind. She's still strapped in the seat. That's what saved her life.

>>> No. Her breath quickened to the fear that no one was there to help her. Aside from her parents, no one knew where she was and she was in the middle of nowhere.
(Needs a creative rewrite.)

>>> She quickly tried to unfasten her seatbelt, but instead, found the tool that had saved her life. The seatbelt was jammed from the initial crash, pinning her to the seat and undoubtedly keeping her alive.
This is very cool and logical. Note that 'seat belt' is two words. Eliminate the 'was'.
>>> Her seat belt jammed during the initial crash,...

>>> and it opened the door as well.
>>> And it opened the trunk lid as well.

>>> She opened the door and hopped in before moving the tire aside and laying out the blanket and coat she had looked around one final time.
Note that the trunk is already open...and tires in trunks are always bolted down. She would have more room if she could remove it. The tire iron is usually clipped inside the tire or nearby. I don't think she could 'hop' in. She would have to climb in, probably on top of the tire and pull the lid down, but not locked for sure. Opening a trunk from the inside is very difficult. *BigSmile*

The scene ends as the lid closes. And it's dark inside, but warmer.

FINAL COMMENT: This is called the isolation Erika Cole---with a real, live cliff hanger! Some problems with shifting POVs, but not too hard to fix as long as you stay in Erika's head.
I think, maybe, you visioned the car ending up trunk pointing to the edge, but then the guard rail would probably have to be impaled on the engine hood and more awkward as the doors open toward the cliff edge instead of away from it. Pulling Andrea out of the car is a critical moment for movement of the vehicle.
Then, revision Erika inside the car when it goes down. So, Ember, you have created a complex batch of action with multiple characters. I love the solving of it all. You need to work on some of this before Chy or DayDreamer get into your book. You don't want to have repeats of my comments. *Worry*
Let me know how you are doing. There is so much good stuff already there, you know.
Best, Gale
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Review of Delta 02  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WYRM  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter 3 – Nightmare


Back the Jonathan's survival test.

>>> as he rushed through the snow.
I question use of the word, 'rushed' in relationship to moving through snow.
I assume he is not on a packed trail, so each step requires the extra effort to lift each step up out of the snow high enough to slip forward into the next step. The deeper the snow, the more effort. Try 'pressed' or 'pushed'.

>>> He pushed his arms as his feet broke through the snow and as he neared the ravine, he leaped, pushing his foot off the last step of the edge and launching himself over.
...'pushed his arms' doesn't make sense. Maybe balanced with his arms. Plus two connectors using 'as'. *RollEyes*
OR maybe a different order of words:
>>> At the edge of a ravine his feet broke through the snow crust. Balancing with his arms, he pushed with his foot launching himself out.

>>> The cool air blew to his right as he peered down to see the small stream under him, the cold water trailing down as he moved overhead. His leap fell below the elevation of where he left off and gravity took hold of him. As it did, Jonathan leaned forward and began to execute a roll as he fell below the ledge he leaped off and landed on the edge of the cliff where he was intending to go.
Here's more sentences with 'as' connectors. *Shock*
This is live action...'peered down' is something that takes too long, plus the extra phrase about the trailing water. (?) The air blowing to his right is not related to his leap into the air. Consider:
>>> Cool air blew into his face. He caught a glimpse of a small stream under him. Gravity took hold and Jonathan began to execute a roll. He landed on the edge of the cliff on the far side of the ravine where he intended to go. He rolled in the snow...etc.

Remember, the faster the action, the shorter the sentences. Think real time. All the extra words slow down the excitement of real-time action.

>>> He pressed up as he looked behind him to see the twenty feet he cleared and brushed off some of the snow that stuck to his small pack and his clothing.
This was a mighty leap. It loses impact tagging the brushing off at the end. Consider:
>>> Brushing the snow off his small pack and clothing, he pressed up to look back at the twenty feet he had just cleared.
This would lead nicely into the next paragraph, which is great.

>>> ...he found what he was looking for. It was a dark green, rectangular metal crate,...
Just to drop one of the 'was” : use a dash.
...he found what he was looking for---a dark green, rectangular metal crate,...

>>> He grabbed onto the handle (Remember 'grab' means seize suddenly & roughly) Try 'grasped the handle...'

>>> He cleared off one of the fallen trees and took a seat as he rotated the crate and opened the rotating latch.
(First draft wording) Note use of 'and' twice and another 'as'. Plus rotate twice. Put it all together:
>>> Clearing off a fallen tree, he sat down, turning the crate to open the rotating latch.

(Here's a new kind of problem. Doing a highly technical list and not having it in a passive voice in a large dense block of text. ***)
>>> Jonathan frowned as he looked at the contents inside. Part of his was hoping for more elaborate materials, but as he rethought back to Matt Watson's reaction when the park ranger gave him his old USP.45, he should have expected what he got. Inside the crate was a Bo Staff, retractable and adjustable to grip. As he grabbed it, its weight caught him off guard, expecting it to be wood. It was a dense metal and Jonathan nodded his head in approval. There was a metal bow and arrow with six arrows, as Jonathan counted. They were equipped with a bold, metal arrow with folding blades to stop the arrow from being pulled out. He also saw the laser lighting, which would help him track it if his shot didn't immediately kill the target. He never used a bow and arrow before, personally because he felt the technology was archaic, but he didn't expect to use the USP.45 for hunting. He was equipped with four signal flares, each marked with a different color. There were two other small canisters with pins. They were unmarked, only striped with a red band and after looking it over, Jonathan could only assume they were stun grenades. The last item in the crate was a bottle of Hydrocortisone cream and Jonathan only figured it was because of the poison oak outside. Snow or not, Jonathan considered it wouldn't be a problem.

***The solution is to not be a narrator, but rather stay in Jonathan's mind while he searches through the crate, discovering, uncovering, with his reactions. Some things might be better revealed at the time of crisis when they are really needed. You know, the suspense stuff. Keep the list to essentials only.

*** ***
(More work to do here)
>>> A black liquid pulsed through Maxim's erect vein just above his temple as his weak voice called out to him. He could feel his body warm in anger as he charged in to continue his assault. Jonathan knew this story already and was fearful of the outcome. He knew he had just gained a critical lead over his legal guardian and was assuring that it would be his last. But now that he was looking at it, Jonathan could feel how he felt when he had acted accordingly, but he felt removed from it.

The entire sequence that is a nightmare-dream about Maxim is essentially in a passive voice. (Chose Edit, Search & Replace, Find All for 'was'.) and see where you are. How is a nightmare different from the real event? What would it look like if you wanted to see it as film or video? Do you want to narrate the dream or show Jonathan's emotional experience inside the dream? It is a kind of fight scene, only more difficult because of the dreamlike qualities. *Cry*
Later you write about the dream: but he never had a nightmare so detailed before. It was an out-of-body experience unlike any he's experienced before.

>>> "NO!" Jonathan shook violently as he yelled out,
The waking up paragraph is good with texture, temperature, wind, show, etc.

>>> and Jonathan had underestimated him finding it so quickly.
and Jonathan had underestimated his finding it so quickly.

>>> and Jonathan heard a distant crash
Is this fore-shadowing? Hmm... *Cool*

>>> obscuring his earing.
obscuring his hearing.

>>> If it was any luck, hopefully all the old trees fell before he continued his march. (awkward)
With any luck, all the old trees fell before he continued his march.

FINAL COMMENT: Lots of stuff to do here. The story is fine, but structure is crying for creative rewriting. You have created a real writing challenge with the nightmare sequence. Obviously you have great imagination, dig into it! I would love to see what you can do with it. You know you can email sections to me and I will reply. With some folks, we go back and forth a number of times struggling with problem sections. Sometimes a review is just a trigger for a whole lot of exchanges. Just like you and I did about the opening of Knights. That has caused me to work on a new first chapter. *Laugh*
Talk to you soon. Best, Gale


(EXTRA INFORMATION from other sources)
Generally speaking, the more action you incorporate into your prose, the more you engage your reader's attention. With this in mind, writers commonly use the active voice to write about unconscious do-ers. For instance, it's practically a cliche to write a sentence like, “The sun beat down upon the rider's neck.” Readers will take for granted that the sun is not consciously trying to beat anything. And the sentence is more pleasing than, "The rider's neck was being beaten down upon by the sun.
On the other hand, treating unconscious do-ers as thought they were conscious gives you an opportunity to communicate something about your narrator or point-of-view character's personality...
“The sun beat mercilessly down upon the rider's neck, slowly searing his flesh, punishing him for his stubborn determination to travel in broad daylight and his stupidity that made him leave his hat at home.”
When you use the active voice, you tell the reader directly who or what is doing the action. Sentences in active voice follow the pattern in which someone or something (noun) does something (verb). The do-er, the person or thing that does the action, is the subject of the verb. For instance...
“The boy threw the ball. It ricocheted off a lamppost and landed in the fountain with a splash that drenched a sleepy pigeon.”
Here the do-ers are specified: the boy, the ball, and the splash.
When the passive voice is used, the recipient, the person or thing the action is done to, is the subject of the verb. The do-er, if included, is there simply to modify the verb. Here's what the above example would look like in the passive voice...
“The ball was thrown by the boy. A lampost was ricocheted off of by the ball. The fountain was landed on, and a sleepy pigeon was drenched by the splash.”
In this version, the subjects of the verbs are: the ball, the lampost, the fountain, and the pigeon.
Need more help deciding whether a sentence is passive? Ask yourself whether there is an action going on in the sentence. If so, what is at the front of the sentence? Is it the person or thing that does the action? Or is it the person or thing that has the action done to it? In a passive sentence, the object of the action will be in the subject position at the front of the sentence. As discussed above, the sentence will also contain a form of be and a past participle. If the subject appears at all, it will usually be at the end of the sentence, often in a phrase that starts with “by.”

Passive sentences are very common in dialogue, and are typical representations of everyday speech, so there is little need to change them, for instance:

I don't know if any of this helps. I think it all is a grey area.



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The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 - Chapter-2 - The Gift


note: Back to a diifferent time and place. Still looking for a connection to or from the survival training.

>>> He clicked the safety off before peering back at the computer screen and reading the "loading" display.
If you’re talking about the rifle, and they are done with an excercise, why would he click the safety off...OR...is this a safety switch on the computer?
Consider: >>>...peering back at the computer screen to read, ‘loading display’.
OR some folks would prefer loading display in italics.

>>> He could hear Alexandra's dashing steps to his position, the weapon hanging from her chest holster as the computer began to calculate the final results.
The computer is sort of hanging on the end of the sentence.
He could hear Alexandra’s dashing steps to his position to watch the final results begin calculating, her weapon still hanging from her chest holster.

>>> slowly watching both reports begin to load.
You’ve alread used ‘load’. Try, >> roll on <<.

>>> The bunker ran quiet and a moment later, the bunker made its decision.
...’bunker’ twice in the same sentence. Maybe: The computer ran quiet...etc.

>>> A high-pitch ping sounded off as Alexandra's report completed and to the sound of it, Jonathan knew that she did it.
Cut the ‘off’, not needed. It’s not clear what the sound means. Consider:
Alexandra's report completed with a high-pitched ping and from that sound Jonathan knew that she did it.

>>> "Congratulations!" He said just...
Dialogue tag is part of the same sentence. No capital on ‘He’.

>>> He kneeled down and sat his Scar-L on the ground before unloading the weapon.
Not ‘ground’, they are not outside. Tiles, floor, metal plates...? AND remember he clicked the safety ‘off’. *Worry*

>>> He took slow steps toward Alexandra
Better new paragraph. He went from kneeling to walking.

>>> Her sniffles made them bounce and in the back...
Cut the ‘and’. Make two sentences. One is physical action, the other is Jonathan’s thought.
Funny idea.

>>> Jonathan chuckled as he wiped one of the tears from her face.
There are two sentences with ‘face’. To remove one ‘face’, try:
...wiped away one of the tears.

>>> Jonathan couldn't tell what Alexandra was thinking or...
Start new paragraph here.

>>> As they made it to the top floor, Jonathan opened the gate for her as the stairs retracted and opened the way to the kitchen. As she walked in and turned to the right,...
See if you can remove at least two of the ‘as’.

>>> He let his hands slide around in the dark before his hands met a cold, heavy plastic box.
You have ‘his hands’ twice in the same sentence. For the second one, try: before he touched a....

>>> but what mattered more were the contents inside the box.
but the contents inside the box mattered more.

>>> putting up her hair with a bobby pin...
putting her hair up with a bobby pin...

>>> ...placed the case on the ground at his feet...
...on the floor at his feet...

>>> Jonathan bent down and grabbed the case
You know ‘grab’ means to seize suddenly and roughly. How about, picked up?
Or lose the ‘and’. Jonathan bent down picking up the case before...

>>> He patted his hand against hers before stepping aside and backing away. Alexandra's hand lingered before rubbing his hand and looking up to Jonathan.
How can she rub his hand if he has already backed away? Better rework that.

>>> Alexandra's voice was hesitant,
Start new paragraph here. Alexandra’s dialogue.

>>> Jonathan frowned to her joke and it brought a smile on Alexandra's face.
New paragraph, lose the ‘and’.
Johathan frowned at her joke, bringing a smile to Alexandra’s face.

>>> "Perhaps you could join Mrs. Potts. They seem cheerful."
Separate paragraph.

>>> so we could do then.
do it then.

FINAL COMMENT: They can shoot, fence, have mock battles, but asking for a date is a major hurdle. They resort to being ordinary teenagers with Jonathan being so unsure about ‘girls’. As professional as they are, it makes them sort of sweet and charming. It is his lack of confidence that makes the scene play really well with good dialogue.
Mostly in this chapter there are duplicate words close together. Read this material out loud to youself. You’ll see and hear the places to rearrange the words. Sometimes you put the phrase in a complicated word arrangement when it can be said simpler. I left some examples for that.
Alexandra’s joyful breakdown feels a little over the top for such a hard-ass controlled fighter. Consider softening her reaction just a bit. (?) The gifts are nicely described. And does he really have the kind of blacksmith shop that can produce that kind of sword? We’d better catch a glimpse of that area at some point. (hint). I did note that were no POV slips or passive voice. I give you big credit for that! *ThumbsUpR* We’re moving on. Looking forward to more survival training. *Delight*
Best, Gale
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The Delta Affinity
by Ember

Delta 02 – Chapter 1 - New Challenges


Here we begin a whole new section of Delta Affinity. I'm breaking it down into workable chapters.

(Right off we have passive voice dulling the narration.)
>>> She was off the treadmill now and he expected her to move from one cardio to another and assault the punching bag, but instead, she was stretching. she was sitting on the mat, her legs in a perfect split and leaning to her left, letting her arms fall to her left foot.
(Turn the words around and it becomes active and more alive.)
>>> Now that she had finished with the treadmill, he expected her to move to the next cardio and assault the punching bag. Instead Alexandra sat on the mat with her legs in a perfect split, leaning left letting her arms fall to her left foot.

>>> She had her back to him as he examined her discipline and form and then sighing to himself before walking in and preparing his mind to ignore her.
(It's like stream of conscientiousness..and...and...)
>>> With her back to him, he could examine her discipline and form. Jonathan sighed to himself, preparing his mind to ignore her when he walked in.

Consider the order of action---the thought first, physical response follows.
>>> Keeping in mind what he had originally came down for, he exited out of Alexandra's stamina report to begin entry codes for the Solarium Project.
>>> "I needed that." She joked as...
This should be a separate dialogue line not part of your narration about Jonathan;s action. ALSO you punctuation of dialogue tags is consistently in error. IT IS ONE SENTENCE. Dialogue>>>comma, unless ? or ! >>>tag without a capital.
>>> “I needed that,” she joked.
My other question is what is it that she needed? Is something missing?

>>> The only thing that was identified was potassium nitrate,
>>> The only thing identified on the list, potassium nitrate, or what...

>>> Gun powder. It only made up 6.8 percent of the molecular composition of the cool blue metal, but it was his first hint in trying to find the origins of it. Even with his own research, Jonathan couldn't find any material close to that of what he found.
(a little simpler and add a dash to connect gun powder, and cut the was.)
>>> Gun powder---making up 6.8 percent of the molecular composition of the cool blue metal, but it proved to be the first hint for finding the origins of it. Even with his own research, Jonathan couldn't find any material close to what he had found.
(just to clear another 'was' and replace 'barely'.)
>>> His mind raced back to a younger Jonathan when he had just managed to gather the metal before causing the minute earthquake in Argentina.
Would it sound more scientific if you said: low-frequency earthquake?

>>> At the tapping of his fingers, the cylindered containment cell pressed up from the metal ground, releasing some of the cold nitrogen gas from the pressured container.
I think it would be more correct to write: 'metal floor' rather than ground.
'cylinder-containment-cell' or 'cylinder containment unit'. Then: 'from the pressurized container'. See **** below.

>>> disrupting Alexandra from her stretching stance and watching as Jonathan rolled his chair over to the cell and picked out one of the fragments.
This becomes a POV slip. Easy fix:
>>> Jonathan noticed Alexandra stopped her stretching stance to watch him roll his chair over to the cell and remove one of the fragments.

>>> He let go of the blue metal and noted of its light blue radiance before standing up from his chair and walking to the weapons cell.
Something wrong here. If he lets go of the metal, how is he to carry it to the weapons cell?

>>> The ground cell closed upon detecting his absence and Jonathan listened to the sealing of the compartment as he hopped into the weapon's cell and grabbed one of the lighters.
Some confusion between the main room and the cylinder containment, which is not a 'cell' as human-sized compartment like the weapon's cell. The cylinder containment unit rises up from the floor bearing pressurized cylinders. Is that right? When he walks away from his desk area, the containment unit returns to the floor and seals. So better to not call it a 'cell' because you're not describing human-sized rooms. **** Then I'm not sure if it HOLDS cylinders or is in THE SHAPE of a cylinder. (?) I think it is a cylinder that has open shelves or bins that raises up out of a tank that holds nitrogen gas.
>>> The cylindrical containment unit closed upon detecting his absence, sealing back into the floor. He could hear the hiss as he hopped into the weapon cell to choose one of the miniature blowtorchs.
I think he needs something more substantial than a lighter. (?)

>>> He flipped the lighter off and picked up the hand before tossing it up in preparation for it to be hot,
'picked up the hand' makes no sense. I think this is what you mean:
>>> He flipped the torch off and with an insulated clamp, picked up the fragment expecting it to be hot, but it still remained at its normal temperature.
This is very cool stuff!

>>> Her Solarium charm fell from her sports bra and hung directly in front of her breasts.
Nice touch to end the sequence. *ThumbsUp*

* * *

>>> The scout helicopter's motor purred even more as it began to increase its speed over Mt. Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest
Very accurate as to where we are...but WHEN and how does this connect and relate to all the has gone on previously? (?)

>>> He sighed and watched his breath freeze before his eyes and observed as Park Ranger Harrison Carter and Special Forces Survivalist Matt Watson peered back at him before leaning over to the pilot and issuing so more directions.
Strangely connected ideas. The introduction of the two men is important. Too many 'and's. Needs more of a feeling of real time action.
>>> He sighed, not surprised to see his breath freeze before his eyes. He watched as Park Ranger Harrison Carter and Special Forces Survivalist Matt Watson turned to peer back at him before leaning over to issue more directions to the pilot.

>>> He enjoyed the hikes and the parker ranger and him often traversed some of the longest trails together.
Too many extra words, it is 'park'.
>>> He enjoyed the hikes with the park ranger, often traversing some of the longest trails together.

>>> and expressed more of a challenge,
...wanting... ?

>>> but after seeing potential in the young man, he decided to aid him in his challenges to become a survivalist. Park Ranger Harrison Carter reached out to Matt Watson, one of his colleagues from when he was in service.
POV slip. This has to be something Jonathan was told or learned. *Smile*
Note rest of paragraph is also out of Jonathan's POV.

>>> "So Carter, remind me why we're sending a kid out in a forest for three days?" The survivalist trainer inquired as he shook his head...
Dialogue tag should not be capitalized, part of one sentence. Also 'inquired' feels formal for this type of conversation. “asked' is better. Remember, this is dialogue that Jonathan hears.

>>> "This here is Jonathan Dale Trescot, parents of Aaron and Corinne Trescot, the ones that worked with USAID and the United Nations.
Missing some words: 'his parents were Aaron and Conrinne Trescot, ...
Good back history here.

>>> Jonathan met eyes with the survivalist and nodded his head before extending a hand, saying, “Sir.”
You had the 'Sir' in the wrong paragraph.

>>> He smiled. "I always admired a man with a solid handshake."
This is correct, not being a dialogue tag. But needs to be a separate paragraph, and better to use his name, ' Matt Watson smiled.'
Jonathan's actions and the other men's dialogue ALL NEED TO BE SEPARATE. You have to do that to know who talks next.
- - - - - - - -
Matt Watson smiled. "I always admired a man with a solid handshake."

Jonathan nodded his head before letting a small smirk rise on his face.

"So you're the one that wants to learn to survive. Ordinarily, I would dismiss you because of your age, but seeing the circumstances..." Matt Watson glared at Park Ranger Carter before returning to an eager and attentive Jonathan. "...I guess we can make an exception." He leaned to his right and grabbed a small bag that sat beside him before he slid it in front of himself and opened it.
- - - - - - - -

>>> "Did he say 'loadout?' I didn't even know that was a word when I was your age."
Like this...

>>> Jonathan nodded his head with an eager smile...
Start a new paragraph with this line. The block of text is overwhelming to read.
Cut the 'and'. Then start another new paragraph for Matt's continuing dialogue.

>>> He would legitimately have to start on his own.
Good setup with difficulty defined.

>>> over the propellers or the wind blowing,
Propellers or 'rotors'?

>>> Jonathan nodded his head as he peered out the helicopter again.
Separate this out of Matt's dialogue. Note that using 'as' for a connector is not always the strongest wording.
>>> Peering out of the helicopter again, Jonathan nodded his head.

{new line for this:}
"Besides, if you die, that's a s***-ton of paperwork to do."
{new line for this and merge together, with clearer internal thought:}
>>> We'll see, Jonathan thought. He chuckled with Mat Watson as the helicopter pulled to a hover
{new line for this, note 'as' is gone.
>>> Matt Watson kicked the small bag of supplies to Jonathan when he stood up from his seat, poking his head out the side of the helicopter and peering down at the clearing.
{new separate line for this:}
>>> "All right, let's go!" Matt Watson yelled as he spun his hand around in a circle to signal Jonathan to jump.
(And a new line for Jonathan's action.)
>>> He was caught by surprise, expecting it to land,
{new separate line for this and more real time than 'He could hear':}
>>> "Good luck, Trescot!" Matt Watson yelled after him, his tone still hinting of some entertainment and doubt.

(Putting the action in the right order)
>>> Jonathan looked up to see something being tossed out of the helicopter. Park Ranger Carter yelled, "Use this if you need it!"

(OK, this action happens in a matter of 3 or 4 seconds before the copter pulls away. The rest of the narration gets in the way of the action.)
>>> "Did you just give the kid a gun?!" Matt Watson's voice rang out over the rising helicopter blades.

"It's my old one, I don't need it anymore..." (we know who's voice)

Jonathan watched the black metal item fall in the snow a few feet from where he landed. The helicopter rose above the tree line, leaving the clearing and flew back in the direction that it had come. Jonathan leaned down to pick up a USP.45 in the snow with a suppressor and a laser sight attached to it and already loaded with one extra magazine. He'd never seen a weapon with a suppressor before. They were considerably harder to get a hold of.

Most of this are your words trimmed down to flow the action. Also to active-up the passive sentences. *BigSmile*
(The rest of this is good)
Question: would the gun be in a holster or a protective case? (?)



>>> so he knew it wasn't manmade.
Not one word, either man-made, or man made.

>>> "This will be a piece of cake." Jonathan slid the USP.45 in between his belt and his waist before moving onward toward the sun.
As we say, famous last words... 'onward' is awkward, better: moving out toward the sun.

FINAL COMMENT: Well, we have certainly moved out with a new adventure. I still want to know where in Jonathan's timeline do we find this outdoor survival test? It is nicely set up with hints at a very difficult challenge.

The biggest problem with this new material is the structure. Individual character dialogue or action must be separated from each other. It becomes very difficult to read and follow who's who. I know you've recently written all this, and it has the quality of a first draft. Which is fine to get the ideas and plot down. Everyone does that, but you must go back and clean up the structure, which is not hard, just time consuming. I've provided enough examples for you to see what to do. From now on I will just indicate: STRUCTURE or POV slip or PASSIVE VOICE. Large blocks of text are always suspect. I would love to see some sequences that you have worked on---so I know my reviews are making sense. Feedback please! Those are simple emails and my replies are just email.

There is no problem about the story, the plot, the characters. You have a really cool action-adventure novel generating (evolving) here! Clean up some of this material soon, so when you write forward, it becomes easier and easier. Once you instantly see what you're doing, it works! *Delight*
Write on...See you around next week.
Best, Gale
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter-9 – No!


Here goes the final chapter of 01. Looks like Alexandra is down for the count. How is Jonathan going to handle this.

(I would consider this the first paragraph)
>>> He dropped the blade and ran to her before running his hand over her cheek to grab her attention. Alexandra was breathing, but it was weak and he didn't know what exact frame of the assault had caused it. Her eyes peered at his shoulder and then his eyes as Jonathan cradled her and ran his hand from her cheek to her neck.

First sentence: 'ran before running? Some of the action feels out of sequence. Consider:
>>> “No!” He dropped the blade and ran to drop down beside her.
Johathan could see how she struggled to breathe. He didn't know what exact frame of the assault had caused it.
He touched her cheek to grab her attention. Her eyes peered at his shoulder and then met his eyes. Jonathan cradled her and ran his hand from her cheek to her neck.
(He needs to say something here, and she might, at least a groan or sound?)

Don't back off...ZOOM IN. This is very intimate.

>>> He bit his lip in anticipation,
Start new paragraph. Remember, when this boils down to a published text in almost all books there are no blank lines between paragraphs---all that is left is a paragraph indent and maybe a couple micro lines, barely measurable. The fast reader still picks up the indent as an indication of a different character, new action, new idea, etc.

>>> As his palm reached the back of her neck,
Start new paragraph. Short paragraphs and short sentences force the pace up. These are crisis moments. Let the reader feel the pressure.

>>> ...in which he found a bulge. He partly collapsed her airway.
Not quite. Check out reaction and a bit more information:
>>> ...in which he found a bulge. “Yes! That's it!” That last blow had partly collapsed her airway.

>>> He whispered to her as he let his hand run along her cheek.
You have already 'run on her cheek'...maybe his hands gently held her face while he whispered... (?) (don't repeat phrases or expression that are obvious repeats)

I like it that you have them talking.

>>> He cradled her as she wrapped her left arm around his neck, moaning in pain as he lifted her off the ground and placed her over his back.
This needs to be clearer about the exact position he places Alexandra. We're remembering he is wounded on his left shoulder, so he would favor his right for the heavy weight. Is she over his right shoulder, head to back? Or is she over his shoulders, (Fireman's Carry) feet on one side, head the other? I know there is an exact way to get into this position. He can hold legs and one arm with one of his hands. If he's bleeding, it will get on her as well. They say, “The fireman's carry is preferred over a single-shoulder carry if someone is seriously hurt or if the person must be carried for a considerable amount of time.”

>>> but Alexandra's weight caught him off guard.
This means that they are petty much the same size.

>>> He started to feel the withdrawal of the combat adrenaline
Start new paragraph.

>>> and into the kitchen.
Why would he go to the kitchen if he's going to the living room?

>>> Jonathan moved to the living room
Start new paragraph.

>>> but couldn't hear any breathing and Jonathan panicked.
Cut the 'and' and make a more powerful sentence: Jonathan panicked.

>>> Alexandra's breathing restored and her eyes opened, but it was still frail. Jonathan lifted his head from her face and looked at Alexandra's open eyes, widened with shock that she had fallen unconscious.
Using 'and' to connect all phrases weakens the narration:
He can't see her eyes until he lifts his head.
>>> Alexandra's breathing restored, but the breaths still struggled. Jonathan lifted his head from her lips to see her eyes widening open with shock that she had fallen unconscious.
(I think this is what you mean. (?)

>>> He gently placed his left hand over the bulge
Start a new paragraph. New action starting.

>>> He quickly spun her around and looked at Alexandra, her eyes closed again, but her breathing returning to normal.
Make 'her eyes' start a new sentence. His action, then her action.
And it would have to be: her breathing 'began' returning to normal.

>>> How she would react to this, he wouldn't know and part of him wondered if she would rat him out.
Note the 'wouldn't' and 'would'. Change to 'she might rat him out.'

>>> Jonathan walked to his bathroom and grabbed one of his combat knives from under the desk,
A desk in the bathroom? Better 'under the counter.'

>>> He slid the weapon under the armor and his undershirt before piercing both and sliding the weapon down and cutting the two shirts off of his body.
In Chapter 8, Jonathan only wore the undershirt to prepare for battle, there was no armor, plus 'under the undershirt' is worth a giggle.
>>> He used the weapon to cut the undershirt off of his body.

>>> and grabbed a large bottle of rubbing alcohol
You are going to 'grabbed the steaming hot towel' in a few lines, so better to replace this 'grabbed' with: 'removed' a large bottle...
Pouring the alcohol on an open wound is very ewww....*Shock*

(combine, instead of 'and'. Replace one 'himself'.)
>>> He looked at himself in the mirror, studying his image;...

>>> Jonathan could not decipher it at that time, as so much has happened within the last thirty minutes that he couldn't analyze what it was that he saw.
This feels awkward. It's about the unknown feeling so 'what he saw' does not make sense. And it's now, not 'at that time'.
>>> So much had happened within the last thirty minutes that Jonathan could not decipher how he truly felt.

>>> He grabbed two cotton bandages before wiping the residual blood off his chest and arm and taping the bandage over the wound. He cleaned up the bloodied clothing and put them in his dirty clothes hamper before putting on another underarmor shirt and walking to the kitchen. From there, he grabbed one of his European teapots and filled it with water before placing it on the stove and setting it on high. He grabbed two teacups and two packets of green tea before setting them on his kitchen island and walking back to the living room to check on Alexandra.

(It is easier to rewrite and let you see it. Too many little things to explain.)
>>> Jonathan picked up two cotton bandages before wiping the residual blood off his chest and arm. He taped the second bandage over the wound. He cleaned up the bloodied garment, throwing it into his dirty clothes hamper before putting on another underarmor shirt.

He walked to the kitchen, selecting one of his European teapots, filling it with water before placing it on the stove with a high setting. He chose two teacups and two packets of green tea placing them on the kitchen island.

He walked back to the living room to check on Alexandra.

(It reads easier with actions separated by room, plus a number of 'and's removed. And the 'grabbed' are replaced.) *Smile*

>>> After about ten minutes, the teapot began to steam and Jonathan took the pot off the...
Too much detail about the tea. It slows the action and is not important.
>>> After about ten minutes, the teapot began to steam. Jonathan took the pot off the stove, poured the hot water over tea bags and lemon, prepared a tray and returned to the living room.

>>> Alexandra had begun to stir, indicating that she wasup.
New paragraph here, simplify and order of actions:
>>> Finally awake, Alexandra began to stir. Jonathan placed the tray on the table and helped Alexandra to a seat on the floor, her back leaning against the sofa and in between Jonathan's knees. Sitting up, he pulled the table close, using the hot teacups to warm his hands. He leaned Alexandra forward, beginning a massage in hopes to find other pains or knots in her muscles and breaking them down. Still waking up, Alexandra's head moved about before she finally moaned to one of his pushes on her shoulder.

>>> Jonathan's heart began to accelerate when she awoke, still unsure as to how she would have taken the series of events.
(This should be a separate paragraph line.}

>>> "What happened to me?" (a separate dialogue line)

>>> "Oh...I thought I just pissed you off..."
(They will tell you, inappropriate use of the ellipse.)(Use comma & period)

Jonathan chuckled to her warm words and Alexandra smiled, his laugh warming and comforting her. (separate paragraph) (POV slip)
>>> Jonathan chuckled to her warm words and seeing Alexandra smile, knew his laugh helped warm and comfort her.

"I never heard you laugh before."

Jonathan's chuckle gradually stopped to her words and his smile slowly faded to her note as she remained still.

"I like your laugh."

Jonathan toggled through his words. "Thanks."
...and etc.

>>> "Do you need the lights on?" (Separate out as dialogue line.)

>>> "No problem." Jonathan didn't know...
See here you are separating and it's nicely correct!

>>> "I would have been miserable by myself. I rather have you by my side. You can keep up."
This dialogue exchange plays very well. Jonathan being honest with himself is very refreshing and good character development.

>>> She sat up on her knees and turned around to face Jonathan, his eyes widened with uncertainty.
Good action. I like that she keeps Jonathan off balance.

>>> She's going to kiss me.
This is it! OMG young love blooms out of a bloody battle.

>>> "Perhaps you can teach me a thing or two about not having to go about living life alone."
I say, ahhh... *Delight*

FINAL COMMENT: Well, it all pulls together. This ending scene is well written and moves us into teenage romance. Of course, the background is very high-tech and warrior-oriented. I know nothing about a torn teres muscle, so must trust you about that. It seems that the injury would be extremely painful and require pressure taping and a long recovery. (?)
Is the sword cut going to need stitches? I have a similar injury in Knights of Sparrow.
This LONG original 01 is a major introduction to characters, a very complex location, and an unexpected romance. I've spent a lot of time with it so now am interested to move into Delta 02.
I know I've picked at a lot of little stuff, mostly the structure and narration that was drafted as the story flowed out of your mind. That process has to happen. Get the story out and into words. What we're doing now is the refining and cleanup. Everyone goes through these processes.
What fun, yes? *BigSmile*
Best Gale
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter-8 - This Bitch


An angry Johnathan follows Alexandra down to the bunker.

>>> Jonathan clicked off his watch and put it in his jeans as he unbuttoned his dress shirt and folded it in his arms.
Two things: Wouldn't he just unlatch his watch, not turn it off? And he has to take his shirt off before he folds it. *Smile*

NOW...The rest of this scene is a FIGHT SCENE. A real fight that has emotional anger, desperation, and two young fighters. The agreement among writers is that the most difficult to write...are fight and battle scenes.

As they say: “Fight scenes are the single hardest character interaction to write. Many authors who know their craft in every other respect can’t write a fight scene to save their (or their hero’s) life.”

Your scene is huge solid blocks of narration with actions connected with 'as' and 'and'. There is no pacing. Here are the basic rules to write a 'damn good fight scene':

1. Don’t overwrite. It’s a general rule that you should leave as much to the reader’s imagination as you can, and this is doubly true for action scenes. The choreography of the fight may be exact in your head but you can’t force readers to see the same thing.
2. Increase the Pace. Intensifying the pace of your writing can communicate the immediacy and suddenness of conflict. Short, simple sentences keep the reader on their toes. Fights happen quickly and your description needs to match that. One way of speeding up the pace of your story is by shortening the sentences. Longer sentences tend to slow down the momentum of the action. Another tip is to avoid using long descriptions. Use descriptions only if they are related to the action, otherwise completely abandon them.
3. Perspective. It’s difficult to communicate excitement when you describe something objectively. Hovering around the fight describing the actions of both characters sets a limitation on how gripping the experience can be. The key is to thrust the reader into the thick of the action, and to do that they need to experience the fight through a character.
4.Verbs not adverbs. Fight scenes demand brevity and adverbs are the opposite. You want the punch of the sentence to come with the character’s action, not lagging after it.
5. Sensory information. Description doesn’t work in fight scenes because thought doesn’t play a big part in immediate, physical situations. What there is plenty of is sensory information. The taste of blood, the ringing in their ears, the ache of their injuries.
6. Detail is a dirty word. The key to getting a fight scene right is learning that detail is a dirty word. Television and movies have taught us that the choreography of a fight is the important thing but different mediums call for different tricks. Write around the physical actions, set the mood and write the sounds, smells, tastes and feel of combat, and your reader will tap into the visual heritage that was formally working against you to picture their own kick-ass fight scenes.


OK, I took those rules and where I could with your words, reformed, deleted and simplifed. I think more of the sounds, smells, taste and feeling are still missing. ALSO I think there should be dialogue...just a few words or just sounds during a spin or strike, you know what I mean.
So, read and compare with your original. I didn't want to point out anything, just let you see how it can work.

STARTING HERE...
The bunker doors quickly slid open with a beep. He immediately spotted Alexandra, stretching next to the combat circle. She sat on the floor, executing a perfect split while stretching her torso totally along her right leg. He glared at her back, then marched to the armor cell.

He threw his shirt to the corner and pulled on the elastic under-armor. His jeans ended in a pile to be replaced by combat shorts. Jonathan grabbed his knife, cracked his neck and savagely kicked his jeans to the corner with his shirt. He turned, stepping down to the main floor. His bare feet felt the coolness of the metal floor plates. (You didn't mention shoes, so I had to assume they are barefoot.)

Alexandra rose to her feet, picking up her light sword. She slid off the sheath, dropping it on the floor. She walked calmly into the combat circle. She spun the blade around and pointed it at Jonathan. Her left hand open and inviting him onto the circle.

“Fine,” Jonathan said, stepping closer to the circle.

Alexandra begin to sync herself beginning a side-to-side internal beat.

Jonathan could feel his body arm as he walked closer. Don't kill her. He didn't know why he was telling himself. It frightened him. Don't kill her, Trescot. Don't do it. The internal order helped. Jonathan threw the knife to the side and well out of range of the combat circle.

Alexandra couldn't help but flash her eyes toward the knife sliding away.

"I told you to keep your eye on your opponent!" He yelled as he broke into a sprint. (I like this. I think he should throw more instructor-like words at her during this)

The moment Jonathan touched a foot into the circle, Alexandra stepped forward and sliced horizontally.

Jonathan timed his approach to sling his arm down to slap the weapon toward the floor. He swung his fist.

Ducking, Alexandra protected her head. She leaned in cutting the blade up, forcing Jonathan to leap back, gaining distance. Her blade whirled overhead.

He moved in again, this time eyes intent, watching Alexandra's footing. He jumped to his left to throw her off balance, coming close to her side.

She expertly swung her blade to the right. With the blade up she slammed the metal at his crossed arms to block the assault. Then with breath-taking speed, lowered the blade to spin, throwing a backhand punch.

Jonathan tried to duck, worried that the sword would return. All hesitation in Alexandra's attacks were gone. Being completely unarmed, he could not count on that in combat.

"I know that trick, too!" She angrily cried. The back of her fist slammed into his cheek and knocked him back.

Jonathan fell on his back before rolling to the side in time to evade Alexandra's leap. Her blade swinging from behind her back, aimed directly toward the floor. (don't use the word 'ground' it suggests dirt.}

Gaining his feet, he kicked her left arm up in hopes to free the blade from her hand. The locked grip held tight. She grunted, raising her other arm.

Gritting his teeth, he moved forward and launched both his feet at her chest. Alexandra fell backwards to the metal.

Jonathan pushed himself up to run towards the girl who already rolled back to her feet. She moved in to meet her aggressor.

She crouched low, slicing at his feet.

Avoiding the blade, Jonathan jumped directly at her, his arms extended. He wrapped around her waist, sending her backwards.

The force knocked the sword out of her hands as they tumbled to the ground. When they slid to a stop, Jonathan leaned up with his fist back in the hopes to launch a punch at her face.

Alexandra's eyes widened as she saw the anger and frustration in his face. Composing her fear, she acted accordingly, moving to disarm her opponent.

She quickly lifted her right foot back and slammed Jonathan away from her. She jumped up, grabbed her blade and returned to leap in the air with a spin, the blade extended and spinning with her.

Regaining his footing, Jonathan turned around, it was too late for her to recall the attack. Jonathan braced for impact, holding up his arm to protect his face.

The blade missed his neck by inches, but cut his left shoulder. Jonathan knew he was cut and didn't know how badly, but his adrenaline suppressed the pain.

She landed on the floor, lowering the blade to complete her attack before reversing her spin.

Jonathan moved back, turning to dodge the incoming slice, but falling victim to her backhand punch. He spun with the strike, ignoring the pain and balling his fist and letting it strike her cheek.

To his surprise, she only turned with his fist before wildly slicing upward at Jonathan's chest.

He moved to the side and out of range. He knew she intended bringing it down on top of him. He felt warm blood soaking his left side.

Her hands met with the blade in the middle. She quickly pulled down to be stopped by Jonathan's right hand holding both her hands. His left hovered under the blade, in case he lost his strength.

Gritting her teeth Alexandra, pushed harder.

Squeezing her wrists, he could feel Alexandra trying to resist the pain he was inflicting, but her stamina was quickly draining.

As her grip on the blade loosened, Jonathan slapped the blade out of her hands and leaned down.

Distracted by the weapon leaving her range, she could not react. (This needs sounds or some words...)

Jonathan wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her off the ground. She wiggled and tried to hit the back of his neck with her fists, but her arms were locked around his back. She could not deliver the force she needed. She screamed in frustration.

In a desperate attempt to stop her ascent, she launched her head at his face. Her hair blinded Jonathan's eyes while her forehead rammed into his nose with a sharp crack.

The force sent a shock of pain down the center of his face. He grunted. He immediately shifted his weight to the left.

Alexandra's eyes widened. She couldn't feel any upward movement. She knew that she was about to come crashing down. She tried to hold on tighter.

Jonathan leaned his body to the side thrusting all his weight downward, ripping her grip free from his back and launching Alexandra down to smack onto the cold metal.

With very little time to adjust, she partly spun in the hopes to not fall directly on her back. Her body slammed onto her right arm, her weight crushed down, damaging her muscles.

Jonathan leaped back with a spin when she hit the floor and picked up Alexandra's fallen blade. Breathing heavy, he pointed it at her neck. His muscles were engaged and ready for a reaction. The sword did not move in his solid grip as his breathing began to ease.

He listened and watched as a slight mumble reached his ears. His breathing quickened. Jonathan first saw it as a sign that she was about to reinitiate the fight. Another gasp for breath and mumble met his ears and he took a step forward, ready for any surprise that she may have.

Is she a legitimate threat, or am I weak and not as effective as I thought? My mind is torn. Did I focus too much on not killing her?

Alexandra's body moved and then went limp. His anger changed to worry as Alexandra's head fell, her breathing fragile. She tried to moan a cry for help, the sound strangling in her throat.

(end of chapter)
FINAL COMMENT: There were some passive voice sentences and way too many actions connected with 'and; or 'as'. And they are right. Fight scenes are very difficult to write. I learned a lot working on this and now will have to do some rewriting on the last parts of Knights. Let me know what you think. It's still not done, but I hope it starts you on the right track since I expect there will be more fights to come. *Ha* See, the fight was all in there, just buried within you big blocks of text. This chapter is serious action and you created it.
Be talking to you soon, best, Gale
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter-7 - Have you lost your mind?


Hi Ember...
Here we go with the saga of teenage warriors learning about each other.

>>> It took a month before Jonathan could finally get Alexandra to breach her potential.
I have trouble with 'breach', which is a break or gap. Wouldn't the word 'reach' have a closer meaning?

>>> As the early mornings before the school bus and the after school runs and training sessions began part of her new regimen, Jonathan began to see more of Alexandra's grace.
You have 'began' twice in this sentence. Replace the first one with the word 'formed'.

>>> For the first week, Jonathan's coldness was rather apparent as even after meeting her a week before, he was still not used to her presence.
(start a new paragraph for the time change.) Note the two 'was' indicating a passive voice. (This is a hard one.)
>>> For the first week, not being used to her presence resulted in a coldness on Jonathan's part.

(You need to recognize when your narration is passive.)
>>> He could tell that his distance was also unnatural to Alexandra, as her willingness to talk and express her feelings and indiscriminately let her emotions flow was unnatural to him.
(needs a slight adjustment)
>>> He knew his distance felt unnatural to Alexandra, just as her willingness to talk and express her feelings and indiscriminately let her emotions flow felt painfully unnatural to him.

>>> what Jonathan had first aspired to find in her was rapidly developing and he was noticing her true beauty blossom.
(You see the fix...)
>>> what Jonathan had first aspired to find in her rapidly developed and he could now see her true beauty blossom.

>>> The more he pushed Alexandra, her determination...
This begins a long block of narration text, which easily wears down a reader. Break it into several paragraphs.

>>> but when he tried to compensate and dramatically increase his strain and the difficulty of his challenges, Alexandra gladly took to the challenge.
Note the repetition of 'his' and 'challenge'.
You could say, the strain and difficulty of the exercises, …

>>> She was beginning to be more like him and he was starting to fear that he could not repel her for much longer.
>>> She began to be more like him and he feared he could not repel her for much longer.

>>> Note to self: find another means for her to get in.
There are new combination locks for front doors that can be programmed for one or more users using six numbers in any combination including repeats including a 0.

>>> Mrs. Potts took his gesture as one of the rare signs that she was accurately walking into something that was in Jonathan's unknown life.
POV slip. Cut and let her dialogue show the suspicion.

>>> The words were kind, but mimicked the final argument that Jonathan had with Maxim nearly a year ago, which resulted in Maxim's murder.
A bit of history, but not sure how it connects to his murder. (?)

>>> The difference in feelings was too much for him to handle and his exposure to Alexandra had only weakened his ability to control them.
(Get rid of the 'and'---a semicolon works}
>>> He could not handle the difference in feelings; the exposure to Alexandra had weakened his ability to control them.

>>> He left the sentence with a hint of uncertainty, a part of him hoping that he was wrong.
Ha, in spite of all, it's a teenage crush. Consider, 'might be wrong.'

>>> Jonathan's mind flashed to a calendar as he found that his birthday was twenty days behind him. He paid no attention to it and shrugged before resuming his approach to his door.
This has to be a separate paragraph as it changes to Johathan's thought and action.

(and this is a new paragraph for Mrs. Potts' line)
>>> "Maybe you and Alexandra can pick a date to go grab dinner.
Change that to: 'come for dinner.' Since it's to the Potts' house.

>>> Mrs. Potts knew well that Jonathan would likely never mention her existence, much less, an invitation to dinner. She smiled as she shook her head and put the car in reverse before backing down the driveway.
POV slip. Needs to be a Jonathan thought to never to mention it.

>>> and unlocked the door before putting the key back in the banister cell and walking inside.
See, this action could be a simple entering the combination and hearing the multiple locks slide open. *BigSmile*

>>> He could tell that Alexandra was here,
This paragraph is nicely in active voice. We're with Jonathan and in his head.

>>> "Have you lost your mind?!" He yelled.
Shock! The girl is in his bed? Please note that you cannot have a double ? And !. Just the question mark. The 'he yelled' should not have a capital as it is a dialogue tag in the same sentence. If it wasn't a question there would be a comma. *Smile*

>>> Jonathan walked passed her as he inspected his room and then eyed his bed, now certainly teeming with her perfume and hair.
That would be, 'walked past her...
This section has great dialogue and good contrast between the two characters. Her intrusion into his home and life is wonderful. Hair and perfume in his bedding is so cool.

>>> out to the stairwell to see Alexandra walking down.
I still have a problem with the elevator not being on the ground level. It is not practical to have a stairs DOWN to an elevator. The staircase should either move to the side or fold up to reveal the elevator doors behind it. (?)

>>> "I'm going to show you I'm better than you!" She yelled back, her voice reeking with annoyance and defiance.
All of this argument is good and well written. I say, watch out, Jonathan! *Delight*

FINAL COMMENT: So Mrs. Potts has noticed. Jonathan's regular visitor is not so secret. There is a lot of narration about Alexandra's development and very little showing. I do like how Jonathan is slowly changing to admire her and obviously react to the fact that she's female. The finding her in his bed is a whole new kind of battle. Great plot development.
Good work, Ember.
Best, Gale
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter-6 - Alexandra smiled


Hi Ember, Another chapter and I think the battle continues.

>>> Alexandra nodded her head in annoyance as she already knew the term her father had already described to her.
This is a POV slip, but easy to fix if you make it her dialogue to Jonathan.

>>> s***!
This reaction is probably thought while he's falling, which shows that the narration has twisted this moment out of sequence. First he must step forward. I just basically re-ordered the lines and added the step forward.
>>> Jonathan saw this and his lips didn't dare erect a smile as she stirred on the ground. He made a step toward her. "It's what makes you deadly with or without--"

Alexandra swiftly pushed herself up, throwing her elbow back, landing it in his shoulder and knocking the weapon free as he fell backwards.

s***!

As the pain traveled through his chest, he fought a smile. This was the Alexandra he was looking for, the one that could persevere. Jonathan knew what he had done wrong, the same mistake she had made stepping forward. The Scar-L fell from his grasp and before it began its fall to the ground, Alexandra caught it and moved to ready it.

Jonathan rolled and jumped to his feet introducing himself back into Alexandra's personal bubble.

(And etc...) This is very fast action that only takes a couple seconds, plus the thoughts they have are in that same time-frame. *Smile* Try not to let a lot of words slow down the speed of the action, it dulls the sense of reality.

>>> Alexandra braced for an attack as Jonathan clicked over the weapon's receiver switch and slammed his palm into her chest.
Three actions in one sentence are hard to follow. Separate the the last biggest action. >>> ...weapon's receiver switch. Then without warning, slammed his palm into her chest.

>>> Alexandra was shaking
Like this paragraph. All very nicely within Jonathan's POV, and good analysis of Alexandra's reactions.

>>> Alexandra saw the relentlessness in his eyes as he motioned to take another step toward him.
Not quite clear. I think it should be: ...as he motioned for her to take another step toward him. (?)

>>> "In combat, the victor is the one who leaves alive. Know that if I initiated that fight, I only have one thing in mind."
I'm wondering if Jonathan is mirroring the training he received from his guardian? He knows the weapon is not going to fire...does she? If she thinks the gun is ready to fire...this goes beyond training. (?)

The anticipation forced her to bite her lip before blinking twice, mentally authorizing the attack and she finally pulled the trigger.
You weaken the important action by tagging it at the end with an 'and'.
>>> ...mentally authorizing the attack. Finally she pulled the trigger.

>>> Alexandra hear the small tray and she looked up from her lap to see the magazine stop at her knees,...
The word 'hear' should be >>> 'heard' the sound and...
Note that it's a 'piece of metal' until she sees it as a magazine.
And sadly this moment is in the wrong POV. Rewrite to be in Jonathan's view. (She looked up from her lap at the sound and he saw her look of surprise at seeing the cartridge empty and not in her weapon. )

>>> Alexandra eyed him and then the hand before she grabbed on and he pulled her to her feet. As she was up, Jonathan blinked before brushing a strand of hair from in front of her eyes. Jonathan was annoyed by it, but as he moved his hand across her face, he noticed that she was gazing right at him.
(A little work here...)

>>> "So you're saying this CQC thing existed all throughout history?" Jonathan began to regret recruiting Alexandra, as her attention was focused solely on him. It was lunch and now Alexandra was sitting with that one guy who habitually ate by himself in silence. Alexandra was reading one of the two books he had given her on the history of military combat and defense, both of which he studied before doing his own research. He figured it would be a good start for her to begin to understand the importance of the skill.
(And a little more here...)

>>> So we're going to give you the next step."
The sword fight series of paragraphs are long and filled with the actions of both characters. They become tedious to read, especially in a solid block of text. Just to show you, I've trimmed, simplified and separated the main actions. Study what I've done and see how it reads. That's the important part. Then start creating your own versions or use some of what I did. They're still your words.
- - - - - - - - - -
Jonathan handed her a European blade from his collection He liked the lighter blades to maximize his speeds.

Alexandra held the sheath and pulled the blade straight out. Her eyes scanned the gleaming titanium build, her hand wrapping around the basic dark-brass handle.

Jonathan remained motionless, his blade by his side with the tip pointing toward the ground.

Admiring the weapon, her smile rose with anticipation. She lowered the tip to the ground, matching Jonathan.

Jonathan rolled his eyes as Alexandra directed her smile to him, her eyes gleaming with fascination. "Stop being happy, will you?" he said, his tone hinting of some comedy.

Scanning him, she mimicked his solid stance with the palm of the hand gripping the blade and facing the ground.

"This is what we call the customary or field stance, not for combat, but ready for practice. Whenever there are two blades on the floor, you go to the guarding stance." Jonathan turned his wrist to point the sword up and moved it to his right. (no quotes here because he's still talking)

“This is not an active guard, but your weapon is passively ready to block an incoming attack. You watch for an unseen parry or slice or a rambunctious cut from a neighboring swordsman.”

Jonathan lowered the tip to where the weapon pointed directly at Alexandra. His left hand cupped around his right hand holding the blade steady. “When combat has been declared, you place your blade like so..."

Alexandra watched, her smile lowering as the realness of combat began to set in.

"Just as I instructed in your boxing, your blade should never move below your neck. In boxing, you can sometimes spare a punch, but you can't spare a cut or a possible stab."

Her blade now in fighting position, Alexandra tightened her grip. The smile replaced by anxiety.

Jonathan noted her readiness. He didn't expect experience in swordsmanship, but her talents had surprised him before. "What happens next is technically up to you. You should learn and master what comes naturally to you. Just remember, the best fighters are always master of a number of different techniques.”

Alexandra remained still and Jonathan admired her solid stance and attentiveness. "Okay?" he asked.

"Can we take this slowly?" Alexandra's voice leaked of nervousness.

He nodded his head wondering if she meant figuratively or literally. He took a solid step forward holding the blade next to his head. He watched Alexandra fight with herself not to step back. He held still, not moving.

She began to bob, as if syncing her body to a song that was running in her mind. It was a pattern of hers that he found unique, something he had never seen before, but grew to admire. Then she stepped forward to match his step into battle.

"We'll take this one step at a time." Jonathan led the dance, his voice caring with the thought that he proceeded with delicacy because of her persona---or possible fear of her reaction?

He sent the blade forward in a slow, straight stab. The lunge fully extended the blade directly toward her chest, slowing more the closer he got.

Alexandra gasped before taking action, turning her blade horizontally and slicing upward.

Jonathan read her wrists, knowing the parry would successfully waive the attack. Her power caught him off guard. As the blades met, Jonathan's was thrown upward. His arm moved with the blade to control its descent as Alexandra's blade continued its spin.

Jonathan retracted the blade down to the center of his body.

Alexandra stepped to her right to correct her stance. "So much for slow, right?" Alexandra smiled and took another step to the right.

Jonathan reacted accordingly, arcing his sword upward to stop her from moving. Alexandra shrieked as the blade unexpectedly came to her position and she wildly cut again, deflecting the arc.

Jonathan didn't pause and brought the blade down on top of her weapon.

Alexandra shrieked again, her voice echoing through the bunker as she twisted the blade to her right.

He recalled the weapon and took a step back, noting Alexandra's panic. But as he stepped back, Alexandra already composed, moved in to attack. She lunged forward and Jonathan arced his blade to his left. The arc was wider than her footing and she leaned into a fall.

Jonathan stepped away as Alexandra fell to the floor, the sword sliding out of her hand. "One step at a time?" He repeated before sheathing the blade on his back.

- - - - - - - - - I changed a few points to keep the timing moving without hesitation. You can spot those easily. *BigSmile*

>>> watching Alexandra's joy
I don't think you should be allowed to use the word 'joy' with Alexandra any more in this story. Can you try:
For JOY = bliss, ecstasy, exaltation, exhilaration, delight, elation, exuberance, glee,
For EXCITEMENT = eagerness fascination, relish, vivacity, zeal, zest, fascination,

True story...When I was fifteen we had compulsory military (ROTC) classes in high school. We wore military uniforms four days a week. I remember sitting at the table in the armory with my M-1 rifle in all its component parts lined up on the table. Then blindfolded we had to assemble the weapon in so many seconds. Later when I was drafted into the Army, I was a champion! See, your story reaches me!

FINAL COMMENT: There is a lot of material in this chapter. Essentially a training session, but with some scary moments. I see the girl is not unskilled, just new at all of it. I rewrote the sword fight rather than point out the problems so you could compare and see. The most focus should be on paragraph separation for each character's actions and dialogue with an emphasis on flow of action without interruption.
ALSO...I note that you have not replied since chapter-2. So I'm kind of flying blind without knowing what you are thinking about the reviews and if your are seeing what I am seeing. It's mostly technical structure, definitely not the story or plot. There's questions about POV and there are several passive paragraphs that will force you to be creative. *BigSmile* Let me know where you are.
Best, Gale
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter 5 – Distractions


Here we go with another round with Jonathan and Alexandra.

>>> "You have other focuses, social statuses and other items that will take away from your focus."
Just change 'focuses' to 'interests'. Then you won't have two focus in one sentence.

>>> People cannot know where you learned what you've learned and it will be noticeable to others like your father."
Awkward to read. Rearrange like:
People cannot know what you have learned or where you've learned it. And it will be noticeable to others like your father.

>>> and the secondary chambers with the predator drone.
The drone can only be in one chamber at a time, so better 'secondary chamber'...

>>> and with a briliant smile.
brilliant

(Guess what's happened here...)
>>> As the sound of her name left his mouth, Alexandra was already leaping towards him with her hands wide open and with a briliant smile. His hand was crunched as her body lunged forward and he desperately tried to protect himself as she came closer. But before he could react accordingly, her hands were already wrapped around his shoulders and her hair was in his face as she held him tighter. His body vibrated to her playful laughter and excitement and Jonathan couldn't help but try to retract his arm that was pinned between them.
This is passive voice, OK for fast writing a draft, but not polished fiction.
You have to turn it into active voice like:

>>> With a brilliant smile, Alexandra leapt towards him at the sound of her name. Her lunge crunched his hand as he desperately tried to protect himself. But before he could react, her hands wrapped around his shoulders and her hair brushed his face. She held him tight and his body vibrated to her playful laughter and excitement. With his arms pinned tight, Jonathan tried to pull them free.
(That's just one example, you can do it lots of ways.) Think ACTIVE action. Make it happen right in front of our eyes. *BigSmile*

TIP: Does the sentence describe an action? If so, where is the actor? Is he/she/it in the grammatical subject position (at the front of the sentence) or in the object position (at the end of the sentence, or missing entirely)?

>>> Or is it...no...Jonathan didn't think it was true, but he didn't know Alexandra hardly. The way she was looking at him only hinted of something unusual, in which Jonathan couldn't help but suspect was attraction. How was outside of his ability to understand and why it wasfocused on him was an entirely different question. was it something he said or did?
When you find a paragraph with 'was' five times, you have to do some creative rewriting.

>>> He inquired how she would react when conditioned to combat.
He wondered how she would...

(For reading ease, these should be separated by character:)
>>>She nodded her head, her smirk twisting to a smile. "You're good..." She offered a wink.

Jonathan's smile disappeared, the wink surrounding him in another cloud of awkwardness.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Sensei."

Jonathan rolled his eyes in annoyance as the elevator doors quickly slid open to Alexandra's proximity.
(Even in a published book without extra lines, each paragraph is a new indented line.)

>>> He watched as when he cancelled his assault,
canceled

>>> "Warning: subject is suspected of carrying a natural predisposition to combat."
Very interesting. He has discovered raw talent. Something we can look forward to.

>>> "Who are you, Alexandra Carter?"
I think she just moved up a notch to important core character.

>>> One of them is playful and benevolent. The other is spirited and determined. Only one of you will survive..."
Not sure about the second. Spirited is close to playful. You might change that to ambitious and athletic or agile. (?)

>>> Jonathan watched
This shows up twice in the same paragraph.

>>> "This is the price you pay for underestimating your opponent."
This paragraph is feeling over-long and hard to hold my attention. I tried reading it twice. Think about simplifying and keep the action within Jonathan's POV. Seeing a girl on a punching bag is pretty cool.

>>> Before she could fully wind her arm back,
Should start a new paragraph. It's Jonathan's action.

>>> but her fist halted her.
Better: but his hand stopped her.

>>> but was embarrassed that it was portrayed differently.
Not sure what this means. You mean how Alexandra reacted to his interruption?

>>> Alexandra raised an eyebrow in curiosity
(and)
Alexandra was amazed by his grace as he continued to move. As the bag began to swing more,
(and)
She watched in admiration as Jonathan proceeded to attack the bag with a relentless series of assaults...

Please note these are POV slips inserted into Jonathan's action with the bag. He's concentrating so he will not see her reactions. Unless she has vocal reactions that he can hear. (?)

>>> Alexandra watched as Jonathan's body rose and fell...
Wrong POV. ---If it's important, make a break and have a sequence with Alexandra's POV, which would have all this description of his action and skill as she sees it and reacts, which is your real intent at this point. (?)

>>> But his slight kicked knocked her further off balance and sent her to the cold, metal flooring.
Kicked should be 'kick'. He's a hard teacher.

>>> "What good does a punch do if you have a gun?" She spat at him.
This is one sentence, not two (lower case 'she') and should be a separate paragraph.
All this could easily fit into an Alexandra POV.

>>> It aggravated her, as he displayed no fear to her. As he brought the weapon back, Alexandra's heart raced in excitement, unsure of what test was next. She thought back to when she was armed with the rifle and he had nothing but a sword. She was hesitant to pull the trigger toward an unarmed man, but she wasalready debating if she could fight if he was shooting at her.
Yes, it's in her POV already, but there's multiple red-flags crying for your attention. *BigSmile*

>>> Alexandra snatched the assault rifle from his grasp before trying to aim it at him. She knocked the butt of the rifle upward, letting the weapon fly up to her readying grasp.
Complete the action before adding more, especially when it happens so fast.
(cut: before trying to aim it at him.)
(cut: only watched it launch upward and into the air for either of them to claim.)

Alexandra snatched the assault rifle from his grasp, knocking the butt of the rifle upward, letting the weapon fly to her readying grasp. She went to aim, her heart racing in excitement as she was about to turn Jonathan's wish into an actuality.

>>> But before she could grip the weapon correctly, Jonathan was already invading...
New paragraph, Jonathan's action. But remember if you are switching POVs it will be her view and experience of all this action. I think it makes it more interesting.

>>> He expected better of her, especially with her apparent attitude.
He can yell this out loud in his dialogue paragraph.

>>> Alexandra took to it, jumping up and racing towards him again.
New paragraph. Begins a slick more for her.

>>> Alexandra smiled.
I end it right here.

FINAL COMMENT: This was an action filled chapter to show the beginning of Alexandra's training. There are simple things to fix with the paragraph separations for character, action and dialogue. Some POV slips will require rewriting and I hope the last section can be switched to Alexandra's POV as it is almost there already! Some passive voice to rework and watch the repeating of the same words within a paragraph.
Ember, it's all there, just needs the structure to polish it up. The action and descriptions are lively and will play well.
Let me know what you're thinking with the reply. I want you to have the best possible story!
Best, Gale
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter 4 (words 4241)


Hi Ember... This is another long chapter, 14 pages, but it all seemed to hang together. We'll see.

>>> As he moved to the last digit, Alexandra's hand quickly moved over his and put in the last digit before it clicked and unlocked.
Surprising and quite brave behavior. I say do not underestimate this girl.

>>> Alexandra smiled as she sensed his frustration
This should start a new paragraph. And note that it jumps to Alexandra's POV for a moment. Editors would go crazy about two person's POVs in the same paragraph even if you were definitely using third person omniscient narrator.

(Here's some information from scribophile.com/)
There are a lot of advantages to Third Person Omniscient, but if you look at fiction novels written in the 20th century, most are written in Third Person Limited. Why is that?
Part of the reason is that Third Person Omniscient is considered one of the hardest POVs to master because there are a lot of places where you can go wrong.
First, many new writers confuse Omniscient with "Head-Hopping". This often happens because a writer wants to show what many or all of the characters within a scene are thinking, and then simply writes it down as if it were Third Person Multiple instead of Omniscient POV. This'll come out as a jumbled and confusing pile of perspectives mixed together.
Head-hopping is a mistake that writers usually fall in to because they want to be able to show what each character within a scene is thinking. The Omniscient narrator can indeed do that. However, this should be done with the narrator's words, not the character's.
But it turns out that most fiction (particularly novels) written in the past century is written in Third Person Limited. Though Omniscient can do more with less, Limited is more common because Omniscient sacrifices what's perhaps the most important thing in fiction: It doesn't allow the reader to get close to and sympathize with the characters and the situations they find themselves in. This is because the distance created by seeing everything from the Omniscient narrator's point of view instead of the character's is too great.
Source:
http://www.scribophile.com/academy/using-third-per...

The advice is not to try it unless you want a more distant, separated style of narration. Multiple character POVs are fine if you have a scene or chapter break and a clear indication of the new POV. *BigSmile*

So I will continue to alert you to any POV slips, which will require some rewriting.

>>> "Any person in my position should have." He was blunt.
I think it's too positive a belief about killing someone. Soften with:
>>> “It's something that should be considered for a person in my position.”

>>> And after I stumbled upon it, I only assumed you would kill me-"
Her attitude feels a little casual. This entire situation cannot be part of her normal, safe life. There wants to be a higher level of emotion still barely under control. Otherwise they come off like a pair of 40 year-olds. You know what I mean? Thirteen, fourteen and fifteen year-olds are experiencing everything FOR THE FIRST TIME in their lives. Remember when you were that age?

>>> It was honestly coming from him and it is what feared him more.
Instead of 'feared', try >frightened<.

>>> "Show me." Her voice was solid, the exact voice she used when giving her argument in the debate.
Makes a powerful moment and a trigger to move the plot forward.

>>> before turning his back on her and walking down the stairs to the freight elevator.
Can you redesign your stairs a bit to fold and slide up to reveal the freight elevator on the same floor level. Otherwise what's the point of having to move stuff down a stairs to reach the elevator? (?)

(this phrase:) >>> As soon as she stepped in the compartment,
(and later in the same paragraph:) >>> Jonathan walked in and turned around as Alexandra jumped in after him.
You can only use one or the other. I choose the second action.

>>> The metal walls and circuitry with the freight elevator was all something unlike anything she had ever seen before.
You say this BEFORE they walk into the elevator. Action should follow in realistic time sequence.
And note the POV slip to Alexandra.

>>> She began to watch as the stairs began to disappear underneath the floor
Not clear as they are inside the elevator.
>>> She watched as they sank past the house floor level and the stairs returned to their original position overhead. (or something like that, but not in Alexandra's POV)

>>> "My father and mother were some of the most successful people the planet ever knew.
This begins a great information reveal about Jonathan. Very important that this be understood.

>>> However, many of those contacts still believe that the greatness my parents harbored still lives in me..."
Does this include genetic enhancement, or natural inherited traits?
Perhaps reflected in his intelligence level as a young child? (?)

>>> As Jonathan paused, the freight elevator lowered
Use this sentence to start a new paragraph for new action starting.

>>> Jonathan watched the white stream of light form on the wall in front of them. The door made a slight beep as the blast doors opened up in a fraction of a second.
Not clear about this arrival at the bottom. The elevator is essentially a cage, open to the shaft. At the bottom, the elevator front slides up, opening to a platform in front of the blast doors to the bunker. There is a beeping signal. Now the stream of white light comes from inside the bunker as the blast doors quickly roll open and more lights sequence on and air systems begin humming.
This is what I imagined from the pieces of this that are not quite in sequence. *BigSmile*

>>> If Jonathan could reason that if computers had emotions, he figured that his bunker's system would wonder why he returned in less than fifteen hours of going dark.
This sentence does not make sense and breaks into his narrative to Alexandra. Better to just delete.

>>> Jonathan turned around as the bunker began to power up after its hibernation. "...this is so I don't disappoint them." As he finished speaking and they entered, his main computer came online.

>>> Alexandra eyed the bunker in awe as she
POV slip. Jonathan can see her reaction...Should he be leading the way in? This also sounds like Alexandra went in first. Think action in sequence. Let him show her what you describe here. Stay with Jonathan.

>>> Jonathan broke into a quick dash and jumped on his stool before landing on it and...
Too many actions connected by 'and'.
>>> ...and jumped up to land on his stool, rolling to his desk. He unlocked the computer to bring up the home screen.

>>> Alexandra looked in awe as...
Once again her POV.
>>> He tried to ignore her look of awe as...

>>> "I want in!" Alexandra's voice burst with excitement.
Should be a separate dialogue line.
>>> Jonathan shook his head...
Begins a new paragraph.

>>> Alexandra continued to survey the bunker in awe
This is stuck into the description of Jonathan's action with the carving blade. I would cut it, besides you've use 'awe' too many times. He needs to see what she's looking at. Plus I think it's a POV slip.
Note there is admiration, amazement, astonishment, wonder, wonderment .

>>> Change. A very lonely word all by itself. It would work if you wrote:
>>> She had changed.

>>> "Delta." He said as he finished precisely carving the Greek symbol in the charm and then adding a "01" to the right of it.
I'd call this the 'title line'. Clever, Ember. *ThumbsUp*
That should be a comma after Delta and lower case the 'he'.
“Delta,” he said...
Also the '01' should be apostrophes unless he's going to speak it.

>>> Jonathan had his modified to his liking and took from the lightness of French style blades and reinforced it with some English and Italian styles and developments.
This gets awkward, losing the flow. Cut 'and developments'.
>>> Jonathan had his modified to his liking keeping the lightness of French style blades but reinforced with some English and Italian developments.

>>> As Alexandra followed after him, Jonathan kicked the...
This should start a new paragraph for new action.

>>> Alexandra's smile was an indicator that she was nae of what she was doing,
The word 'nae' is too obscure to have much meaning. How about 'not aware'?

>>> He had a pair of black sweat pants as well, and he put those on in place of his jeans.
We've lost Alexandra for the moment. Is Jonathan undressing in front of her? The idea of the cell being a change-booth should come first. *Smile*

>>> Maxim would have him restart.
I like seeing these bits of past history.

>>> It was the first time he had gone against someone with a live weapon.
This does not reach the level of intelligence and sense of survival that this boy supposedly has. It makes me very uncomfortable. I could see it with laser simulation using very real looking weapons.

>>> The crack struck fear as his heart rate drastically increased.
I would think live fire as a near miss. New for Jonathan.

>>> Alexandra showed fear as the shot went off, the recoil uncontained and knocking her back.
New paragraph... First shot for her just as startling.

>>> He re-approached and continued as Alexandra stood on shock.
Makes more sense to say 'stood IN shock'.

>>> However, as he turned around, Jonathan saw
New paragraph... Using 'However' makes a distance from the action. Cut that and start: As he turned around...etc.
Nice move, Alexandra, and another surprise for Jonathan.

(New action, new paragraph)
>>> Jonathan swept his right leg at her feet and knocked her down as he rolled backed to his feet.
Reverse this to put it in the correct order.
>>> Jonathan rolled back to his feet sweeping his right leg at her feet and knocking her down.

>>> Naturally, Alexandra grabbed him by his shoulder to stop his approach, her left hand pressing against him as he forced her right hand back to where her leg holster was.
Too much information, cut: >where her leg holster was< and break fighting action into shorter sentences so that they read faster.
>>> Naturally, Alexandra grabbed him by his shoulder to stop his approach. Her left hand pressed against him as he forced her right hand back.

>>> but she grabbed the P22 instead.
Note that she does not have it yet. Maybe: ...she reached for the P22 instead.

>>> Jonathan then focused on her,
New paragraph, new action. Cut >then<
>>> Jonathan focused on her, throwing his elbow forward, attempting a strike at her side.

>>> Alexandra swung a wide punch and kicked as...
New paragraph, new action.

>>> Jonathan could see her body adjust for her kick and he waited...
Note that this is a new kick so change line to read:
>>> see her body adjust for the next kick as...

>>> He fired one shot, the crack scaring him as he sent a bullet flying her way.
This paragraph holds together with a logical sequence of fast action. *ThumbsUp* I like that the sound of the shots get a reaction.

>>> "Could you learn?" Alexandra's question discarded all disgust and anger from the attack and it had confused him. "Teach me what you know."
Wrong tense happening here. Change to: ...and it confused him.

>>> "Everything isn't always in white and black, you know." Alexandra retorted as he made his way to the weapons table.
Direct dialogue tag belongs with its dialogue. Needs a comma, not a period plus another comma after retorted. *Smile*
>>> "Everything isn't always in white and black, you know," Alexandra retorted, as he made his way to the weapons table.

>>> Alexandra assumed he was ignoring her by his focus on the contents on the table.
POV slip to Alexandra. This little piece needs to be rewritten. Maybe: >>> Thinking furiously, Jonathan froze for a moment.

>>> And it will be more difficult for you because of your distractions."
He offers a solution that he can handle with a challenge for her. It's an outline of what might happen. Cool!

FINAL COMMENT: I think the concept of the combat duel is a good one, but I'm not sure it should be with such deadly weapons. It came close to being a disaster with one of them dying. Alexandra reveals an innate ability and athletic skill. The action is fast and complex. Watch the flow and
sequence so it does not get interrupted with side comments. Use paragraph breaks to initiate new action or ideas. Consider how you are going to handle the POVs. It has to be consistent. This chapter is almost totally with Jonathan. If you had Alexandra's POV, it would be a very different chapter. *Ha*
Lots of little stuff (paragraphs) to fix, but the story is solid and develops nicely. Dig in, Ember!
Best, Gale
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter 3 (words 4939)

Hi Ember...
Back again for another chapter, longer this time.

>>> He continued to eat lunch by himself,
Starting with this line, I suggest a new paragraph to break up the long block of text. *Smile*

>>> But one afternoon, as he was returning back to the campus,
Starting with this line, I suggest another new paragraph to break up the long block of text. Notice that the line breaks come with a passage of time or new action.{/u}

>>> It was as if his mind was blocked from doing that to her and he couldn't find a way around it.
Teenage attraction---stronger than common sense!

>>> one of his under armor exercise shirts.
OK, you need to explain what this is. Is that a brand name or literally something worn under a bulletproof vest? I visualized a tanktop with a printed logo. And it's elastic. (?)

>>> As he finished stretching the elastic shirt on, he made his way from the guest bedroom to the stairs and clicked the banister switch again, which unlocked the stairway
You've mentioned 'workout'. So I first thought he was actually stretching, and still wearing the shirt. This sentence has too much information, and note that he is already dressed when you wrote: >>> and switching into his sweat pants and one of his under armor exercise shirts.
So how about:
>>> Once dressed, he made his way from the guest bedroom to the stairs and clicked the banister switch to unlock the stairway.
Cut the 'down to his bunker' because you are going to repeat the action in just a few lines.

>>> and authorizing the doors to close and depart down to his bunker.
See here is the appropriate place to say this.

>>> outlined by a variety of weight machines,
First we see what would be a well-equipped gym.

>>> and turned to see the crates of shipments that had arrived at his house a little over a week ago.
I pictured the crates as big and heavy. So he must have a heavy-duty dolly and the elevator must be a freight elevator with no stairs. Think about that. *Worry*

>>> as Jonathan eyed the larger wooden crate, slightly taller than him if he stood it upright.
Yes...big, wooden and heavy.

>>> The white plywood was spray painted with a black paint that read "Special Air Service."
More mystery here. Not a usual freight company. Black paint suggests 'black ops'. (?) They deliver the stuff, but still not allowed down into the bunker, so he has to have a way to move stuff down.

>>> and slid the wooden top to the ground before looking inside.
I'm surprised there is not documentation or shipping papers on top of the contents since there is nothing on the outside. (?)

>>> and revealed two black and grey Scar-L assault rifles.
Another big surprise---weapons being sent from another country to this boy in America. Assault rifles?

>>> he was only ten and the first shot hit nowhere close to the target at the military gun range in London.
Some backstory about a ten-year-old shooting assault rifles. Without more information this stretches the level of belivability. *Worry* Maybe mention his guardian took him. (?)

>>> and began to analyze and laze his identity on the weapon
The correct term is 'lazer sintering' on special metals. (?)

>>> He hadn't loaded a magazine in his entire life, but with his own independent research, he was already taking to what he had read and seen.
Little by little I begin to learn about this boy's abilities. All of this is very important to understanding the story.

>>> The computer read in a female's voice,
Because the computer is speaking, It would be clearer to say, the computer spoke in a female voice.

>>> "Scar-L match with Jonathan Dale Trescot noted at ninety-eight point one percent compatibility. Shall I execute the training module, Commander?"
I think the English accent is cool. Calling him 'Commander' suggests this is part of a computer game format for role playing. Only it is with real weapons!

>>> as a metal target slid out of the ceiling and slowly moved toward the floor.
This becomes highly fantasized with all the moving elements suggesting a VERY ELABORATE structure and computer control of everything. This suggests to me the inside of a spaceship-like theater with a level of artificial intelligence. *BigSmile*

>>> and loaded his first magazine into the base and pulled back the receiver before clicking off the safety and raising the weapon.
Suddenly he is in a wonderfully created shooting range with a brand new weapon he has never fired before.

>>> and forcing the bunker's system to retract the damaged target back in its cell. As he did so, another target generated to his right,
It's a combat training range with automatic new targets. The fantasy grows.

>>> Two targets popped up from behind him, one next to his laptop and the other hanging from the ceiling. They were painted with generic displays of people trying to get into his computer or someone breaking through the ceiling and into his bunker.
This is very WOW. And totally unbelievable, if the intent is that he has constructed all of this. Unless he's supplied by underground tunnels from some sort of shadow organization. Otherwise, the neighbors would notice, plus the building inspector, and tax accessor. *Worry*

>>> He began to slowly take steps forward as he unloaded his weapon toward the two targets that erected to his left.
This would be toward is computer desk and the control areas? Why not back into the shooting range, which reshapes itself.

>>> His mind began to lock on when he was constructing the bunker and where he designed the targets to spring forward.
I've worked in theater, movies, and construction. It takes lots of skilled teams to build something like this. The mechanical devices INSIDE moving walls and floors, etc. is very hard to believe. (?)

>>> Jonathan's focus began to slowly eliminate his imperfection in his rapid fire as they slowly moved up to striking the head with deadly accuracy.
What is this intent focus on precision killing? It goes beyond shooting skills. It is for combat warriors, Seal teams, and all.

>>> Standing directly in front of him was Alexandra, frozen in fear at what she was seeing.
Now this is a terrific surprise. Alexandra is down in the forbidden zone.
I would start a new paragraph with this line to give it more impact.
Obviously find her way by herself showing intelligence and nerve. *Delight*

>>> but this was nothing near what she had imagined to find.
This slips over the POV line. Let Jonathan see her fear. It's too much to try and be inside both their minds. Jonathan can speculate what she's feeling by her eyes and body language.

>>> Alexandra's anxiety shook her and she slowly moved to take a step back.
New paragraph here with the new action.

>>> Jonathan fully raised his left fist while holding the rifle up. The blast doors immediately slid shut and locked in front of Alexandra.
The fist suggests a chip in his arm. (?) Also with the rifle up it is important to know of it is still aimed at Alexandra. This is very scary for her Does she make a sound when the doors shut?

>>> Jonathan and Alexandra met eyes again and she didn't hesitate to stare back. Jonathan could see the hope die in her eyes and he knew that he wouldn't be able to kill her.
Well thank God for that. I breathe easier. This is a terrific moment of dramatic tension.

>>> Alexandra was completely silent as Jonathan walked up the stairs from the freight elevator
You leave her out of the action. Does she follow him or he makes her walk in front? Critical action.

>>> The house was dark, as the afternoon drew to a close and Jonathan closed the sliding stairs behind him to see Alexandra sitting at his kitchen island and drinking a glass of orange juice. (better to split his up)
>>> The upper house had grown dark in the late afternoon. Jonathan closed the sliding stairs and turning he spotted Alexandra sitting at his kitchen island drinking a glass of orange juice.
This has a surreal quality contrasted with the high emotion.

>>> The thought was appealing, as if Alexandra was eliminated, there would virtually be no trace of his bunker at all. But Jonathan didn't know where she had been before or who she told or if she told someone where she was going.
His old security self rules are hard to let go of. At least he's thinking about consequences now.

>>> There was something about Alexandra that he knew he wouldn't be able to fall through, even in rage or anger.
Shouldn't this be 'follow through'?

>>> Alexandra saw him departing from the corner of her eye and she turned and watched as Jonathan took a seat on one of the sofas and began to examine his marble chess set.
POV slip. Just describe Jonathan's action. We will know she is watching.

>>> Jonathan did not move, only listened to her racing footsteps before she quickly opened the door and slammed it behind her.
Another dramatic moment. Nice.

>>> Europe was supplying him the weapons and technology and some contacts in the US Army and US transit allowed it to get to his house.
Europe is a very generic source. This part of the narration is Jonathan's thoughts. He would have a specific name for this like NATO or DARPA or the Grey Dragons or ? And I think it would be a more specific like contacts in the Pentagon and military transit allowed, etc. Think Jonathan's personal thoughts. (then I get better information) *Ha*

>>> but also a predator drone with a payload to level the country's capital?
They could not know the target...only that the drone is capable of leveling the country's capital?

>>> living the systematic life
I'm not sure what this means. Methodical, orderly, patterned?

>>> Instead of a biometrics scanner, it was a thermal scanner.
Well, Jonathan, no one is perfect.

>>> Jonathan smiled to himself slightly as he looked back at his bunker
Maybe start a new paragraph here with the new idea.

>>> as he looked back at his bunker and bid it farewell.
He hasn't left the bunker yet. So better: looked around his bunker...

>>> unknown metal fragments that he recovered from the Chilean caves in 2003.
New elements and back history. He was only about twelve years old?

>>> He had already attached it to a small string, as this was going to be his new good luck charm for the unfortunate string of events to occur.
I'm thinking there is something special about this 'good luck charm' made of an unknown metal. *Delight* I suspect you are setting up something else. (?)

>>> Alexandra was absent from lunch that day.
Start a new paragraph here. Also cut 'that day'. You are already IN the day.

>>> her absence through him off.
That would be 'threw'. *Smile*

>>> Jonathan walked halfway pass his front lawn,
Maybe start a new paragraph here. And the word is 'past'.

>>> where he found an individual sitting on his desk's swing set
Because he identifies her instantly, I would cut this line and instead use:
>>> His eyes traced up the stairs to his front porch. Jonathan froze as he watched the swing set...etc.

>>> “I thought you would run away..." She said, her voice leaking of some concern.
A surprising turn-around. Alexandra's fear has become concern.
I think a great place to shop this chapter.

FINAL COMMENT: A huge amount of new information, actions within the bunker. Some of the elements described in the bunker are difficult to justify without some indication of how it was all accomplished by this boy. But just the physical time and enormity of the construction could not happen underground without outside access unseen by the neighborhood. The interruption by Alexandra is a great plot surprise and sets them up for something. I gave you a number of new paragraph breaks that will make it easier to read. I'm craving more background about Jonathan and how he came to this point in his life. (I know, read the story...) Lots of good work here, Ember.
Best, Gale
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Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter 2 (words 3439)

Hi Ember...
Here I go moving deeper into your story. I didn't mean for you to tear your story apart, just reword the sentences that needed more creative work. Of course, the result of seeing something you didn't see before can't be taken back and you will always see your writing with more awareness.

(This is about the logical order of the described action.)
>>> but he sat it on his lap and let Alexandra sit next to him.
>>>but he sat it on his lap if Alexandra wanted to sit next to him.
(She hasn't sat yet, she's just entering the bus.}
>>> She looked around as she stepped onto the bus and smiled and waved at a few of her friends. Jonathan assumed she would immediately engage them and move with him, but she kept it short and took her seat next to him.
(now she has sat}
>>> Jonathan fought his instinctive habit of staring out the window until the bus stopped at his house...
(I at first thought they were already at his house)
Just use: >>>Jonathan fought his instinctive habit of staring out the window.
>>> He looked back at Alexandra as she set her book bag on the ground in front of her, in between her legs.
(all is well.) Just the simple thing of when she sits from when he holds his bag throws the paragraph off.


>>> "Ladies first." His voice was a bit sharp and he mentally noted of this tendency.
The 'and' and 'of' make this awkward.
>>>"Ladies first." His voice was a bit sharp. He mentally noted this tendency.
I might ask does he think this rude or not very friendly? (?)

>>> "You don't like people, do you?"
And she picks up his attitude instantly. I like that she does not hesitate to point it out. Puts him on edge right away.

>>> How he didn't detect him being watched had concerned him and this worry had leaked on his face.
The tense of this sentence is not part of the moment with the 'had's. Leaked on his face suggests Alexandra's POV. These thoughts are happening NOW as she is talking.
>>>How he didn't detect being watched concerned him. He hoped this worry didn't show on his face.

>>> "I usually stayed after school in the library,
This begins Alexandra's dialogue and should be a separate paragraph.

(just note the paragraph separations for each character)
>>> Her voice went light. "Understandable."

He nodded his head and turned to the window to watch the cars and the streets go by.

"I was originally from New York. My father was stationed here and we moved right after. I hear you're also not from this neck of the woods."

"I'm from Europe." His voice blank as his mind reminisced back to the lovely autumn weather. "France, specifically."

"What brought you here?"

His mind raced back to Maxim's body as it was lifted into the ambulance.

You can't merge them together. It is not possible for a reader to know who is talking. The blank line usually indicates 'next person' or other person's action. *Smile* Simple fix: just add the blank lines.

>>> Interpol had just arrived and had placed him under arrest after seeing that Maxim's neck was broken.
A flash of back history that feels really important. I will be anxious to learn all about this. This suggests that Maxim died in Europe, and Jonathan has been on his own since coming to America. (?)

>>> Alexandra's eyes blinked twice before thinking back to her own traumatic experience of seeing her father in the hospital.
This is a break from Jonathan's POV. This should be limited to what Jonathan sees of her reaction and her dialogue.

>>> Alexandra slightly gasped to the thought before internalizing it herself. As she pondered it, the bus slowed at Jonathan's bus stop.
This is another jump out of POV. Plus you don't need the bus info because he announces it in the next line.

>>> "Touch" Jonathan smiled as he continued on his way home and she followed.
Do not understand the stand-alone “Touch”--- it would need a period if it were an expression like “Touche.”

>>> Jonathan proceeded further as Alexandra began to think more about her next question.
Better to say: >>>Jonathan proceeded ahead as Alexandra...
Here's the rule: The quick and dirty tip is to use 'farther' for physical distance and 'further' for metaphorical, or figurative, distance.

>>> He feared that she would notice the lack of cars in the driveway or perhaps the empty feel that it had, seeing that the six-bedroom house nearly had no one living in it.
Seeing more of the house is great. Helps set this up. His worry, her interest.

>>> "A couple..." This is Jonathan's line
(need a paragraph break for Alexandra's action)
>>> Alexandra stopped a few feet in front of him before looking up the stairs and to the front door of the house.
(As Alexandra's line, this belongs with her paragraph, above.)
>>> "Were they all with your parents here?"

Jonathan glared at her as...

This starts a new Jonathan paragraph. But it needs some simplification.
Sort of like a new paragraph for her action:

>>>She smiled and walked passed him hopping up the wooden stairs before getting to the top and looking back down at him.
(She jollily hopped felt an awkward choice of 'jollily' )

>>> Jonathan rolled his eyes before...
The rest can be Johathan's paragraph. Poor guy, he lost control of this situation. I think letting her see the key is his first mistake. (worry)

>>> She slowly looked around, noting the neatness and subtle empty feeling the home had.
This is another POV jump to Alexandra.

>>> Alexandra was already ahead of him and moving down the hallway and toward the kitchen, but when he went to flick the lights, the deck behind him was illuminated instead of the hallway in front of him.
Consider breaking this into two sentences. Like:
>>>Alexandra was already ahead of him and moving down the dark hallway and toward the kitchen. When he reached to flick the lights, the deck behind him was illuminated instead of the hallway in front of him.

>>> Jonathan shook his head to himself as he turned off the decsk lights and closed the door after himself.
>>> desk.
End it after desk. I think he would have closed the front door before he took off his shoes, plus remember the time that's past already as Alexandra is looking around before she starts down the hall. He has to catch up with her.

>>> Alexandra had already made it to the kitchen by the time...
Start a new paragraph here. This block is getting too long.

>>> "Forgive the unhomely feeling.
Unhomey is what you mean---'homely' means plain-faced---unhomely is a real brain twister. *BigSmile*

>>> The sense of urgency to get her out of his house had slowly begun to fade, just simply by her beauty.
Oh yeah, pretty girl meets teenage boy. Add another complication.

>>> It was the first, true conversation that Jonathan had with anyone.
The conversation part is great...however it's missing a setting. Put them on a couple couches, at the kitchen table, somewhere to settle in. It's part of this transition about Jonathan's fear. (?)

>>> By the time they had made it to the topic of parents, Jonathan had already made dinner.
Break the over-long block here with a new paragraph. Think of it as the reader breathes and some time has pasted.

>>> "Well that's a first..." Her dialogue line by itself.

>>> The smirk immediately faded from him face as Jonathan knew that she was analyzing him.
New paragraph and note that it is 'his' face.

>>> "You don't smile often, I noticed that."
Again, separate this dialogue to its own line.

Note in the next few lines you mix her dialogue into paragraphs with Johathan's reactions. They all need to be separated. (Your work...)

>>> My father died protecting my mother before they were both eventually killed.
The two parts don't match if father died protecting mother...then she died later. (?)

>>> "You're Aaron Trescot's son. I knew your name was familiar, but I..."
Backstory about Jonathan's father that Alexandra knows about. That means his father was well known. (?)

>>> She paused and watched Jonathan continue to clean the dishes in the dishwater before pulling them out to rinse and dry.
Spraining the POV line here...
>>>He knew she watched him as he continued to clean...etc.

(I separated the lines they way I think it means for this exchange.)
"To distract you..."

The arrogance returned in her voice as Jonathan imagined her with that smirk on her face. "Do you think it worked?"

"You tell me."

Jonathan did not like where the conversation was going, although his heart was responding in the opposite. (like instead of engage)

>>> The way she spoke to him and expressed her thoughts and her intellect was something he didn't expect and was charming.
(two 'was' in one sentence? Hmmm...)
>>>He did not expect this level of intellect. The aggressive way she spoke to him and expressed her thoughts charmed him.

>>> By the time she had looked up, she saw his head turn back and noticed his vigilance on the already-rinsed dishes being showered again.
Another POV slip.

>>> he felt Alexandra wrapping her arms around him. His body stiffened in defense as he felt Alexandra set her cheek on his shoulder and holding him for a second
OMG pretty girl hugs young teenage boy! Talk about control challenge!

>>> His guise and lying was already barely pushing what he was used to living for so long. But now that he saw it, he didn't detect any faint feelings of doubt or guilt, but more of relief. It was something he hadn't felt before.
A good wrap-up about his feelings. This was quite a transition for Jonathan. And it complicates everything.

FINAL COMMENT; Here you present a young man (teenager) who is always in control and independent. And here comes a teenage girl who is possibly as bright as he is and totally takes control. I'm not sure about her motivation. Her aggressiveness seems more than just new-boy interest. They discover they have a lot in common, but the inner conflict she creates in Jonathan about the truth of his situation is very good story material. This is nice writing Ember. Mostly you have to clean up the paragraph divisions for individual character dialogue and actions. Also watch for those accidental slips of the POV. All part of the process.
If you work ahead, let me know so I can pull a corrected copy for reviewing.
Best Gale
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Review of Delta 01  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

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A review by iguanamountain --- member of WYRM, in-depth reviewers and novelists.

Delta 01
by Ember

Delta 01 - Chapter 1 (words 3977)

Hello Ember,
Here we are, the only two novels on the review board. I have started reading ahead and divided Delta 01 into a number of shorter chapters. This first one ends with: His face finally lifted a gentle smile. "Proceed." Which in my 14pt font comes out to 14 pages, which is average for an in-depth review.

Now my reviewing style has two basic elements. One is the simple reaction and understanding of what you have written. So you know how one reader 'gets it' or not. I'll let you know if I'm entertained, intrigued, excited or bored. Believablity and justification are part of that as well. If you see a >(?)< It means “just me thinking” and that could be a suggestion or a mental tangent that your story sent me on. *BigSmile*

The other is the logic of a decision or moment in the story if I have a question, confusion or disagreement. Occasionally there is a question about the use of a word, spelling or punctuation. I watch for passive voice and basic structural elements, although you'll find that Chy is the real master of that stuff.

Still...it's your story and your words, so as any artist you have all the rights to ignore it all! The replies get long and discussions go back and forth. That part I enjoy. I tie almost all of my reviews to pastes of your text so you know exactly where and what I'm relating to.

So let me dig in.


I like the name, place, date, time at the top. Good idea.

>>> and gently let her papers fall to the table while in her grasp, keeping them straight and organized.
This action gets hung up on 'while in her grasp', because she's let the papers fall. I think it means she dropped them gently to the table so they stayed straight and organized. They didn't fall. Certainly something Johathan would notice.

>>>Already a transfer student like him, but already on the move up the ranks,
Note that you've used 'already' twice in one sentence. Maybe cut the second one?

On a fast read, I'm thrown into Alexandra's rather formal, technical speech before I figure out it is a high school debate. Once I understand that, it all makes sense. *Smile*

I note some slackness in paragraph separations. In Alexandra's first paragraph, there should be a new paragraph starting after, 'My father...”' because the next sentence belongs to Johnathan and his reaction and view of her.

A new paragraph: "My father was wounded...

and another paragraph for: An impromptu applause began...

So what happens is the long block of text is broken for the characters and their actions. Much faster and easier to read.

In the next long block of text (“Had it not been...)
A new paragraph would help starting with: They met eyes for a...
The narration returns to Johnathan's POV and his reaction to the wink.
I think Alexandra is pretty cool.

>>>He started, but before he could push himself up from his seat, Jonathan placed his hand across his chest.
Notice how many 'he' and 'his'. Now the first two he's and the first his belong to Kyle, but then the next 'his' belongs to Johathan and the last one to Kyle. It could just as well mean that Johathan put Kyle's hand across his (Johathan's) chest? Consider rewording.

>>>sure that the domineering upperclassmen would oppose his stand, and helped himself to the stage.
Here's another spot I hung up for a second on the subject of this sentence, which is 'Kyle' and 'upperclassmen'. Correctly, the 'himself' should mean the subject of the sentence helped himself to the stage. Also I think it should be upperclassman in reference to Kyle. Consider:
>>> Jonathan didn't bother to spare Kyle any attention, sure that the domineering upperclassman would oppose his stand. Moving quickly, he helped himself to the stage.

>>>"If I'm considered an high value target right now and am fired upon, I cannot escape.
This entire speech about the targets is a clear frightening example from the real world. *ThumbsUp*

>>>eying Alexandra the entire time.
eyeing

>>>As the applause continued, one of the members of the opposing team held up their hand to signal their end of the debate.
I'm not familiar enough with debate rules. Does this mean the opposing team did not have a counter argument, so they could just call and end.?

A neighbor appears driving Jonathan home. I have to guess that she came to see the debate...or is one of the teachers who lives nearby. (?)

>>>Dana Potts, drove him home, quietly thinking back to his argument
At first read I thought Dana Potts was quietly thinking back...etc. I would move Dana to the beginning of the sentence to avoid confusion:
>>> His neighbor, Dana Potts, drove him home, while Jonathan kept to himself, quietly thinking...etc.

>>>and forced to consider the meaning of the notion.
A little confused at 'notion'. Would that mean her action (the wink?) Or just the out-of-the-ordinary timing?

(see this paragraph as an example of passive and active voice mixed)
Jonathan kept to himself as his neighbor, Dana Potts, drove him home, quietly thinking back to his argument and the results of the debate. His team had won, his leading argument shattering Alexandra's "efficiency" theory, but how it was argued had distraught him. That wink kept finding itself back in his mind, disregarding the pure logic and strategy of the argument. Her face was soft and leaked a bit of emotion, something that he couldn't understand. The timing was horribly off, as he was knocked out of his academic stance and forced to consider the meaning of the notion. But why then? Did she know it would throw him off and distract him and likely make his arguments weaker? Her facial expressions after his counter made him think that emotions were involved, but what was her reason. It was confusing.
Keeping narration in the active voice is usually more direct, natural and economical. For instance:
>>> but how she argued had distracted him.
>>>Her soft face leaked a bit of emotion,...
>>>The timing felt horribly off, knocking him out of his academic stance...
>>>Her facial expressions after his counter suggested an emotional involvement. Confused, he couldn't figure her reason.
>>>(or) Her reason confused him

Note that the subject usually comes before the verb. It stretches your brain to figure out better ways to say the same thing. *BigSmile* But 'they' don't like passive and active mixed together. Actually passive voice in action-adventure stories is not advised. Editors hate it.

>>> "Looks like you have a little crush. I think she was trying to talk to you as you beamed for the car."
Mrs. Potts caught what Johnathan tried to ignore. He may be brilliant, but he's only fourteen and Alexandra is a not-to-be-ignored girl.

>>>He scanned the home,
I like the description of the house and yard. Very clear for an image.
However, passive voice sneaks in again:
The driveway lights were on and his grass looked soft and freshly cut, right as he had left it. The sun was setting behind his house and the orange sky was slowly darkening behind the woods of his backyard.
I don't know, maybe:
>>> In the driveway lights, the grass looked soft and freshly cut, right as he left it. The orange sky of the sunset slowly darkened behind the woods of his backyard.

The fixes are usually simple and easy, just rearranging the words and not using all the 'was's. *Ha*

>>>Mrs. Potts knew that it was his way of saying 'goodnight,' although it wasn't the most polite. She knew that Jonathan was different than most.
This entire Mrs. Potts paragraph breaks Jonathan's POV.
We haven't touched on POV yet, and I'm not sure what you intend. Up to this point the POV has been Johathan.

(The rule is:) First person: The narrator tells the story, can only report what he hears or sees personally unless someone else tells him something that happens when he isn’t present.
(The alternative is:)
Omniscient: The narrator can see, hear, know what more than one character feels or knows. The narrator sees all and knows all from more than one character’s perspective. Good use of omniscient doesn’t confuse the reader by jumping between characters too quickly, only changes perspectives between scenes or chapters. Never should have more than one perspective in a single paragraph.

I'm using first person POV only in Knights of Sparrow, and only change to another POV with a break between.

I think the omniscient is OK if it's done very carefully. It just has to be consistent. Jumping between characters is not accepted.

>>>The house was dark,
This next section will require some work if you start counting all the 'was', which is your first clue to passive voice. And I know, when you are first drafting a story, your mind is on the story---get it down into words. Afterwards comes another kind of creative work. Transforming your story into a level of language that picks up a reader and carries them along. At times, it's technical structural rules. Other times you discover amazing images, emotion and action that you are creating!

When I started Apex Project, I had whole chapters in passive voice. The WYRMs were very patient and kept at me---and I learned. Dialogue is not so hard, but narration for action-adventure content is always a challenge.

Your first scene at the debate worked great. You handle live dialogue really well. As you work you will see where your descriptive narration demands more from you.

>>>He locked the front door behind him
>>>Jonathan pressed a red button
>>>He stepped in before the door was finished sliding open

You should note that these entire paragraphs are in active voice and really well written! You stay right with Jonathan and his action. Really good because the location is complex.

>>>The flash caused his eyes to blink before readjusting to the burst and placing his coat on the rack.
Think about this. He's only in this part of the house for a few minutes. IF he passes a mirror we could get a glimpse of what he looks like. I assume he dresses well. What does he think about his appearance? (?) Remember we create mental images of major characters from your words.

And on... As long as you are with Jonathan doing and seeing the action --- all is well. The high-tech quality of the adapted house is very interesting. So far, I could imagine all of it as he progressed.

>>>but it appeared that his mediocre engineering skills had failed.
The retracking stairway is very cool. And that some of it doesn't work quite right makes it more believable.

>>>He could hear the mini motor rev as it powered on and descended the small elevator down forty feet.
Some of this appears to be very elaborate and I begin to wonder how it all was accomplished by a thirteen-year-old. Now IF it had been constructed while the house was being built by his guardian, I could believe that, and the boy is only doing some improvements or repairs. {?}

>>>It was the exact model that he had just built and had run a wind resistance test on it.
Now it's pushing the belivability scale. Building things like this require a workshop with specific tools and skills, plus the electronics, and then a small wind tunnel? Then comes the moving walls and floors. The space, power, tracking and hydraulics required to do all this are extremely elaborate.

It's all very Sci-Fi cool, but the justification for how it came to be is very important. Maybe short references to the difficulties, time necessary. Anything to justify. (?) ...and warheads?

>>>He tried his best to ignore the American stereotypes, but so many of them were true.
Oh so true. I'm American, and I'm embarrassed. Living at the marina in Belize I see the thousands of tourists off the cruise ships, plus the ones that come in their big yachts. *Shock*

>>>However, seeing that the European Union had essentially banished him, he would not have much of a choice.
I have to assume this was Johnathan and his guardian that were banished. And not by any regular government agency. Talk about black ops!

>>>but something tells me that you already knew that, Miss Carter. What can I help you with?"
Very sophisticated and European. I doubt if even an eighteen-year-old American student would respond like that. Reaffirms Jonathan's genius level.

>>>"You weren't trying to mock me being single?"
I think she is only fourteen. Single is normal. It wouldn't sound odd if she just said, “You weren't trying to mock me?”

>>>"I think there are greater things to consider aside from that debate."
Wow, the girl is on the aggressive side.

>>>"We take different buses, but I think I can walk home from where you are."
She's not going to give up. This is great!

>>>She carried herself well and wasn't afraid to show it. She was determined, like him. Smart. Charismatic. Unique. From the dazzle of her eyes to her smile, Jonathan couldn't seem to shoo her away.
Personality and character are nicely developed here. But I still do not know what she looks like. And they've locked eyes a number of times. Jonathan should have noted her eye color. (?)

>>>His face finally lifted a gentle smile. "Proceed."
Finally, she gets a positive reaction from the totally, uptight, conservative boy. I like the contrast between these two individuals.

FINAL COMMENT: Now you see why I can only do 14-15 pages at a time. This was quite an introduction to the character of Jonathan and his world, and I know it is going to get more complicated very soon. I like that a very traditional house becomes a technical, scientific machine of sorts. I'm only concerned about the justification for Jonathan's presence and youth in the midst of this location. *Worry* I understand that he is a genius and I'm sure that's a big part of it. Makes a scary kid.
The passive voice appears only in some of your narration paragraphs. So a little work for you. *BigSmile*
The relationship with Alexandra promises to be very interesting. They are both smart, but so different. I'm excited because it's a good story launched!
Talk with you soon.
Best, Gale
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Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with OCEAN  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

E-1 #youlikeit-10-the tip of the iceberg


The Titanic of sexual abuse has crashed into the murder investigation.

>>>It looked like an iceberg to sink three Titanics in a row, and Gillian begged Tanya to slow down so she could to take notes on everything.
I guess the surprising thing is the fact that someone recorded all the girls like a battered women's organization. When the girls are underage usually they have to call the police. Or is was a private attempt to provide evidence in order to get help that failed.

>>> I do wonder how and where Tanya found all these videos.

>>>Dawn caught her still in front of her computer,
This suggests that there were a large number of girls. I've read about guys keeping score and the numbers are shocking. We hear this stuff all the time in Belize, which has a very casual attitude toward sex, even with all the Christian organizations and church mission folks.

This was a very short chapter just to let us know what Tanya had discovered.
So, I'm moving on to the next batch. The story is flowing forward and the major characters have been filled out quite a bit. You know I love this stuff.
Best, Gale
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Review of 9. Homework  Open in new Window.
Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with OCEAN  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)


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BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

E-1 #youlikeit-9-homework

Now to spend some time with Brockner at home in his hotel room.

>>> And then interacting with Gillian. That woman was simply brilliant. The way she’d read the scene, how she picked up everything he said right away. He had almost forgotten how it felt, working with somebody so competent.
If Gillian only knew what was behind the cold facade. The fact that she allowed (invited) him into the crime scene and asked advice really touched him in spite of his guilt about being there. The layers of conflicting emotion are wonderful.

>>> just a seasoned consulting agent, giving seminars all over the country on Profiling 101, to young field agents who couldn’t wait to get the hell out of the conference room―
This is his real life. Dull, grey and boring.

>>>And the spark in Gillian’s eyes.
Compared to everything in his life Gillian comes along and inserts a charge of emotion that throws him.

>>>Now it was up to her to dig and find at least a probable cause to bring three underage girls in,
He helped get her to this point. Doing something worthwhile can change a person so much. I think he's afraid to admit it.

>>>The search engine gave him so many matches that next time he checked the time, he had been reading for almost two hours,
ALL OF THIS is such a great way to get background on Gillian. We discover all about the politics of the Boston PD and Regan Gillian's father.

>>> She and her partner―one now Sergeant Robert Banks―had held the best rate of solved cases for the last six of the eight years they worked together.
This is important to understand the relationship with Banks. It is not a casual friendship. They know a lot about each other. And there is respect.

>>>This woman needed no-one’s help to “secure her career”.
Brock's opinion would mean a lot to Gillian.

>>> You didn't mention anymore about his drinking, so now I'm wondering if I'm wrong about his problem. If it is, then it's a constant/persistent behavior.

>>>He was an outcast, when would he ever accept it? No senior officer would pay attention to anything he said, to keep themselves from being stained by his trampled-on reputation.
He doesn't accept it, even though he knows that's how it is. His positive strengths always seem to ebb. Unless he's near Gillian. Still reading to find out what happened to cause his trampled-on reputation. That keeps me going!

Lots of good information in this chapter. A treasure!
Best, Gale
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Review by iguanamountain Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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BLACKBIRD
by M.Prelooker

E-1 #youlikeit -8- thanks for leaving


Gillian decided to drive to a bar after leaving the crime location...hoping to settle her nerves and do some thinking? I'm guessing.

>>>she smelled the remains of his sober cologne when she walked in by him, mixed with a trace of whisky.
Oh, how well I know of that close-up smell of badly disguised liquor. Little bits of unspoken information. Like this because it's more character detail about Brock.

>>>but he understood they couldn’t go to her police precinct, nor his hotel.
They are both so cool. Because he followed her car all the way, it's understood they are going to continue their discussion. Well, they don't talk much, but a lot of stuff gets understood.

>>> He wasn’t allowed to come anywhere near it without an official invitation. And even then, he wouldn’t be the one assigned to work with the locals, since he was no longer even a field agent.
This is the ugly truth. Lots of rules separate them. But here they are.

>>> Brock scowled at the whisky she left before him,
That would be whiskey.
Again, nothing spoken, but she brings his drink, knowing he needs it. He's shocked and not happy that she has recognized that about him. This is very cool as story development!

>>>She had turned her computer so he could see the screen. She was talking to a girl with glasses and ponytails lying on her belly on a messy bed.
So casual and non-professional appearing, but so deceptive. How will Brock react? I like this little confrontation of styles.

>>>Agent Brockner here is one of the best profilers ever.
I think that she said this in front of him, means a lot to him.

>>>“Okay, call’im. But don’t keep’im up too late, please.”
Another fact that is understood. Tanya uses Conner for high school related investigations. Often enough that it's OK.

>>>His voice was gauged to trigger an ice age.
You find these expressions that are so great.

>>>“Boys tend to be sloppy. They wouldn’t have changed weapons: they would’ve kept hitting Johnson with the bat and the pipe, and kicking him. They would’ve run away the easiest way,
Her reasoning is sound if it's a certain class of girls. There are some groups of girls that would behave just like the boys. Female barbarians. Little school girls with knives are something else.

>>>The killers never meant it to go viral, else they would have posted it themselves―and get arrested right away. They reported to that damned ghost user,
A new thought that there must be someone else involved. Did they want to hurt Johnson more by publicizing it?

>>> Connor was invited to both after beating him up, so now we’re checking them.
So he's more involved with possible dangerous girls that we realized. Maybe he did't tell his mom about that.(?)

>>>her way to behave with everybody else seemed to be completely informal, to an extent he didn’t quite like.
Yes, I knew he was conservative enough to be disapproving, but he can't ignore the results. Good contrasts here.

>>>“There,” she muttered, fighting hard not to jump on Brock to hug him and kiss him,
I smiled at this. I know how excited she must be to see the three girls in the video.

>>>He stood up, produced his wallet, ignored her when she tried to stop him, and left a bill on the table. “Good night, Lieutenant.”
Dramatic, understated exit of the great man from the stunned Lieutenant. He's not comfortable with praise and thanks. Makes guilt because he believes he shouldn't be doing it.

>>>She knew she sounded like a stupid fangirl asking for an autograph,
Acted before she thought. Embarrassed herself and Brock as well. She wanted to express her gratitude, but he's too intimidating with his dark piercing eyes. People just don't do that with him. Made a great little emotional moment.

>>>“He raped them, Reg.”
Shock news to close out this chapter. Everything changes and takes on a different tone. Abuse is involved. Much to learn about this coming up...

FINAL COMMENT: This was a meeting of minds about motive and actions of the perpetrators. Awkward and uncomfortable, but each driven to find the answers and learning to respect each other. Gillian has not adjusted to Brock's presence, embarrassing herself multiple times. I guess that's learning the hard way. The thing she did do that was amazing was acknowledge his problem with alcohol and made it sort of OK.Sexual abuse addedf the crime has made a brilliant complication. Very nice plotting, Monica.
Best, Gale
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