Well told story, I enjoyed all the details you added to it and I hope you expand on it even more.
A few little comments; one your overuse of commas. It seems you are using them as pauses when they should be used to separate independent clauses. Also, you seem to switch between short sentences that are a bit jerky to long sentences filled with those commas.
I know you aren't following "normal" vampire myths, but explaining them away does help your reader not scoff and say things like "pfft everyone knows vampires can't be caught on film". Stating something in the story like "he tried hard to avoid moving faster than a normal human on camera, not being able to be seen is one myth he wished was true." Would stop the scoffers. You did explain the part about sunlight but he had already been out in the day when he gave the kids the ball, that might have been a better place to explain it.
Overall it is a good story and I loved the sarcasm of your main character as well as the romantic in him with his girlfriend.
Thank you for sharing, and welcome to Writing!
In this line, "Not even my mom could salvage the love amongst us", I don't think you meant to use the word 'salvage'(which means to repair). Maybe sever would work, like this: Not even my mom could sever the love between us.
Also you used the word 'love' several times in this paragraph:
We met at the age of 15, and from that moment on, I knew that I was in love. Not even my mom could salvage the love amongst us. Although she'd tried many times, there was nothing that she could do to stop the love that had grown.
Maybe you could replace some with words like feelings, or attraction.
This fragment- cause' I never knew that my whole life would be spent loving a lier,- could use a little work, the " ' " sign should be placed before cause ('cause), and "lier" is spelled liar.
All in all, a good start.
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ikeepbooks4u
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 2:53pm on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
