I have read this piece twice. It is well crafted and it flows well from beginning to end. I kind of guessed which way it was going to end though. If fact, there were only two possibilities - the character would stay entrapped for ever, or would gather enough strength by some means to come out free.
And this is what my concenr is. I could'n sense any emotional connection to or empathy for this person (she/he doesn't even have a name...unless I missed it). While the description of pain and loneliness is good, the reason for this seclusion is not. The woman on ice appears randomly though not clear what she represents. Neither does she play any role. Finally, turning around from the depth of despair seems planned but not led to in a believable manner. In short, the story appeared to be smooth but sterile to me. It lacked real life human expressions and tensions (a few dialouges would have changed the tone significantly).
Please do not take the comments negatively. You have a ability to write smoothly and correctly. The prose is beatiful. But it lacked soul. My suggestion: open up and get personal. Be honest. The rest will follow.
A simple and believable memoire of childhood events emanating from one of the singular experiences of life – I liked reading it. You should consider sharing more of your experiences soon.
The story is well written and the analogies between the clouds/rain and the emotions being experienced by Ben and Lisa were interesting. Description of the smoke was also very vivid and imaginative.
What was not adequately clear to me was why Lisa had to kill Ben though some hints were given. The characters could be developed more to bring them to the inevitable conclusion.
This is a perfectly written story with wonderful details about the Madam of a famous fashion house. Storyline is very different from most of the other rather familiar plots. The description of Mrs Wenchwood getting up from bed and having her breakfast was just too good - almost cinematic! The change of mind at the end is a welcome relief though it may not happen that easily.
Beautiful and passionate. Just didn't get the last line - what gets lost and what exactly is your concern? There are many possible explanations but wanted to know what you wanted to convey!
This is a delightful little story, although the theme is quite serious. Very well written and realistic (I don't know if this is based on real life experience or not).
Some of the lines reminded me of my own childhood - I used collect rock from railway tracks and some were probably chalk - "White rocks that we called chalk stones were an especially good find because you could write on other rocks with them, but the real prize were the smooth blue stones, the name of which I have forgotten, they were rare."
"I hated that my brother was always better at finding the rare blue stones. " This is also a common childhood experience. I used to play with my younger bro.
Minor typos/grammar in the following:
"...she would forget about the accident and allow us go return [use either one but not both] to our dig."
"When summer come [came] and the school term ended..."
"...where the earth was cooler and then lie down with [with may be dropped] on our backs"
Liked this line about that enduring experience: "...even with all the bones removed it was still a grave and it could never feel the same again for us."
Final comment - could you make this line more catchy somehow? "Sometimes I would wake up and be afraid to go back to sleep." The final line should have more impact!
I am not sure I fully understood this piece but you made me read till the end. The prose is strong and colorful. The syle very fluid.
The line that gave me the goose bumps is: I try to move but I am nailed to my coffin , my brain sends the message, but the presence intercepts and destroys.
There are many great analogies and scenes. I liked this one very much: Through small windows near the ceiling the tropical sun rushes in like fire.
This seems to be a snippet of a paranormal activity. The experience described is not very novel (there are numerous books and movies that have a scene like this). Also, phrases such as “All of a sudden, time stood still. Everything faded into nothing” are frequently used and not so much original.
Was this written as part of a bigger piece? I thought as a standalone, it was rather short and not that original.
Please don't feel discousraged though. I meant to share some 'external' observations that may help you go for more challenging undertakings.
As a write, you have a powerful voice. As regards the story, it will affect different people differently. From the stylistic point of view, I thought you've tried to merge a mystery/suspense theme with a spiritual theme. It is always difficult to make a smooth transition between styles and I felt that the latter part was not very convincingly (this is just my personal feeling).
There are some sentences in the story that may need attention due to grammar issues or use of punctuations (or these could be deliberate, you decide).
Examples include:
“I decided to just do it and get out quicklike. Just ripping off a band-aid.”
“This place had been spotless when I was a growing up.”
“I done gave you up for dead, I thought…”
“Everybody knows you's a damn liar Jimmy,”
“…because I knowed you was the devil's child…”
BTW, what did you mean by “The moon looked like a shit eating grin in the sky”?
Last but not least, there are some really vivid descriptions of scenes in the story. My favourite:
“The red sun was coming up over the pines, and I watched the scene zoom past the cracked glass window in a blur.”
This little piece is very funny and interesting. I liked the informal tone. The text flows well though some sentences are a bit too informal or short. But having read this, I will think ten times before getting anywhere near that place :)
Excellent story! You kept me glued to the story till the end.
The prose is simple yet very fluid. I could visualize all the scenes even though I haven't been to a fun house in long while.
I was not sure what would happen and the ending is not predictable. You didn't eventually unravel the mystery of what had happened to those kids but that is consistent with the nature of the story. Once in a while I do like to have some mystery and magic in our lives. And the ending is really interesting and creepy – it almost gave me goose bumps!
I think this would be fun reading for the young readers in particular.
Loved reading this. Think got the core message (of course there could be more than one interpretations).
Specific comments:
Lines 4 to 6 use "like" repeatedly - may be the first use is fine (line 4) and the remaining ones can be dropped and those sentences can be rephrased a bit?
Para 3: "...tears stain the cheeks" is somewhat less original...
Last para: the verb "deflate" relates to the analogies that follow. Now, deflating "like a balloon" is fine but "like a light switch..." or "like blood seeping from a wound" sounds a bit odd. Minor rephrasing should help.
My favourite part:
Then one word is uttered,
just one tiny word.
With two letters and a sound,
brings the world crashing down.
This is brilliant. BTW, what did you mean by "a sound?"
This is a beautifully written sci-fi in a very different setting. Loved it.
The dialogues were simple and believable. The tension was palpable and I was eager to know what happened next. This ability to create anticipation is what keeps an average reader stick to the story till the end.
The only thing that did not match the beginning and the middle part was the ending, which I thought was rather plain, perhaps not done as carefully as the rest. I could be wrong and I am just random reader.
I wish I could write like this!
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