I love how you set the tone and twist in the very beginning: "I see him up ahead / when the car lights /cast his shadow, / stumbling into the ditch."
The shadow, and something else in the lines as a whole, hints at the lost moment and the lost man. While it is not explicitly emotional the sense of loss and regret and the absence of judgement are completely clear. The last stanza is beautiful and just chest crushing in the grief that is expressed. I'm thinking that perhaps "at fifty-five" in the second last line should be seperated with a pair of comas.
Alright. You're good. You know that. But you went and put my least favourite part right after my absolute favourite. "Turned from your purpose,/
you turn back again,/ the child / round in you:" I loved this bit. It's elegant in its simplicity and most people, I'm sure, can relate to that moment. But then: "it is, indeed,/ late spring." Great, it's spring. Lovely time of year. But it doesn't fit the rest of the piece. Is there a reason for these lines that I'm not seeing?
I really enjoy the use of nature imagery in your poetry. The willow, which leads inevitibly to the idea of a weeping willow, fits perfectly. And the idea of silhouettes being able to produce the sound of grating footsteps is brilliantly described.
It's a little unclear as to whether the speaker's love has left him or if something has happened to her to be "lost" to him in other more symbolic ways. But I enjoy the ambiguity.
The drawn vowels and soft consonants, the "r" and "w" and "m" establish the soft, lamenting tone but there are enough harsher sounds and sudden stops which seem to reflect those sudden moments of pain within the loss, the crests of the waves.
The only aspect that I question is the very last line. It's a fair bit longer than the other two stanza-ending lines and, while it fits the idea of the poem, the tone and pace seem a little off there.
This is the first 5 I've given and I deliberated for . . . oh . . . about 7 seconds. It's very rare that I see a contemporary author who can write well within the confines of a fixed rhyme scheme but you did it beautifully. I liked the image of the sun at her hem, the canopy spinning over them, the imprint of the leaves on her skin. It's magical and beautiful and primal and basic. Wonderful.
I really enjoyed this piece. Given the traditional use rivers as representing a human life or spirit it worked quite well. The line "Trapped in an eternity of peace" was problematic as "trapped" has such a negative connotation. Maybe "caught" or "bound in"? How do you see the world above the water as opposed to the world below the ripples? It would be interesting to see that made more clear. I really like the idea of the fingers tracing in the water both as it relates to the possible symbolism of the water and because of my own experience of lazy afternoons of floating in the family's canoe.
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