My opinions are only that, I hope you find something useful in them, otherwise please ignore them.
Fairytales are a law unto themselves so I have tried to review this work as i would any story...
Plot - Mr Law almost gets run over going to work and returns home. He receives a phone call and is offered a chance to commit some chicanery in exchange for some quick bucks, he agrees and is sent to jail for fraud. Upon his release he is offered an opportunity to spy on his colleagues in exchange for a raise, he refuses and is sacked. eventually he is offered a better job with more cash... Its a lot of plot for 700 words and I was confused by a lot of it... I'm sure there's a message in here somewhere but I couldn't quite see it???
Style and Voice - Omnipotent POV which shifts occasionally into the POV of the main character... very flowery prose but it came across in a muddled manner
Referencing - Is it legal to entrap employees on the telephone?
Characters - Mr Law works hard yet lives in a world of half eaten pizza?
Grammar - Mostly good Author may wish to change the POV and work in some internal monologue and go easy on the prose... There were some excellent descriptions...
Just my humble opinion - I found this piece a little confusing and there were some unanswered questions. I can vaguely see the metaphor, but the message isn't clear... Breaking the law is bad and Spying on Justice, Honesty and Fair? is wrong... But what is the lesson? Also without being rude I couldn't work out how or why this was a fairytale?
Once upon a time…
Mr. Law was sprinting... passive voice suggest sprinted in an attempt to make it to work- lights flashed past him, cars honked… but he couldn’t let that stop him! Today was the day. Rusted metal brushed against his hand and he gripped it, fumbling for the large, circular button that was his key to obtaining the knowledge of when to walk. Anxiously, he hopped from foot to foot, watching the cars zipping by.... bit of a confusing way to say pressed the stop button
“Come on, come on, come ooon!” His voice rose in pitch, eyes darting nervously to the resolutely red man staring down at him from above. Mr. Law peered down the street, watching the tirade of metal boxes. He noticed a gap, about to occur. Should he, could he, would he? Biting his lip, he gathered his courage and leapt across after a small white car. Immediately, the sound of screeching tires filled his ears. A turning car had swerved into the pavement to miss him and was now still, smoke rising from its hood, just two feet from where Mr. Law stood.
Veins pulsed on the head of the very angry driver that stepped from the car. Mr. Law gulped. Needless to say, he did not make it to work on time. Sorry, but why didn't he make it to work? and why was 'today the day?'
***
It was a disappointed and disheveled man that returned to his flat that night. Empty pizza boxes awaited him and his stomach grumbled. However, Mr. Law pushed it down. Now was not the time. Seeing as he may very well not have a job next week… now was not the time.
Exhausted, he flopped down onto bed. Just as he started to doze off, a ringing reached his ears.
“Not now! Darn it! Darn it all!” Face set in annoyance, he reluctantly reached a hand for the cheap phone on the bedside table.
“Hullo?” Even to him his voice sounded sulky, but he found he could not summon the pride to care. Now, his interest became much more peaked upon hearing what his caller had to say. A lot of money could be gained but he knew it was wrong. An under the table deal, it was wrong, wrong, wrong! Yet as he listened to the persuasive voice he began to rethink. Was it wrong to want money when he may be losing a job? Wrong to want security, luxury, all the things he had worked for? But… it was illegal, immoral, and corrupt. Should he, could he, would he? With a stony set to his face, he affirmed that he would very much like to partake in the deal. exposition it would be far better to hear the call
The caller had been an undercover police officer. Needless to say, Mr. Law did not get the money he had wanted. exposition again.... You're telling us too much and not showing
***
By now, Mr. Law was to the point of weeping. Alone in a dank, dark cell. So different from the future he had imagined in anticipation of a possible promotion. A day passed and he was fined and released, after a scolding that left his ears red-hot.
Wearily, he trudged to work. The building seemed to loom before him. Touching pen to paper, he began to write. Numbers, statistics, suggestions. Yet his heart was hardly in the work.
Halfway through the day, his boss called him into the office.
‘Oh, no, this is it!’ Mr. Law was sure this was his end. He would be fired and die a tired old man. So he was naturally surprised at the offer put before him. Simply spy on his fellow workers and he would keep his job, with a pay rise even! Just tell the boss all the times his friends Mr. Justice, Mr. Honesty and Mrs. Fair slacked off and he would be fine. But… that was betrayal. Wrong. Mr. Law worried his bottom lip. Should he, could he, would he? Meeting the gaze of his employer, he used his middle finger in a way that was a very clear ‘NO’. this is a good line
Needless to say, Mr. Law lost his job that day. But he kept his friends and the next month the firm he had worked at went under and he got a job at a newer, better firm, where he had money for luxuries and a car to make sure he always got to work on time. |
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| (3.5)
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