Hello Rhyssa. I'm HWinB.C. and I came across your poetry in the read and review. I really liked the poem very much.
The title "lost in the moon song" with the description "the dark is crowded with sound" drew my attention because I've done a lot of camping and especially enjoyed the night sounds.
You did great captureing the crickets, frogs, birds and all of it under a mist of mysterious veil. The grief of howling to the moon is captured well reaching deep into the reader to tug on the night sounds of thier own.
An intriging poem, Rhyssa. It touches the dark place in all of us.
Thank you for sharing and
Keep On Writing!
HWinB.C.
Hello, J Sheehy. I'm HWinB.C. I found your story on the plug page I enjoyed reading it.
Note: I am not a professional editor or expert with English and Composition but I have learned a few things along the way and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: It was indicated that the story is a flash fiction for the Twisted Tales Contest, so I was looking for a twist. In your plug you had said a story of love and revenge, so the set up was there.
Your use of descriptions is wonderful of nature. You truly delivered that Genre in full. Well done. The story left me with a lot of questions. What was the act of revenge? Did someone get killed? From Who or what was Dave set free?
Plot: Your plot starts with scenic nature moving into the story of a betrayed marriage and into a boat accident. A twisted act of revenge for betrayal. The plot seemed to have been delivered in the middle of the story. I understand there are limitations on 300 word contest and it takes a wee bit of magic to pull the big picture into a little one. I appreciated what you have accomplished.
Style and Voices: The style and voice stay consistent as a narrative of the main character.
Scene/Setting: The scene and setting are excellent. A lakeside getaway encompassing the reader completely into the sparking water, nature sounds, crackling trees. A poetic description of all of it. The setting for a "boat accident" with her husband Dave fishing is well done.
Characters: The characters are well developed of the woman scorned by betrayal, a husband who believes a fishing trip will fix everything, and the mysterious Bill.
Dialog: The main character provides all dialog internally. The internal dialog is used well for the telling of the story.
Grammar and Mechanics: I didn't notice any glaring grammar or mechanics issues.
Suggestions: As the reader, I would like to know what the act of revenge was and if someone died? She couldn't see Dave, then she saw Dave on the other side of the lake with the fish, then Dave was going to have beers and talk over old times with Bill (the mystery fellow). It was confusing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Keep on Writing!
Hello, freedom and nature. I'm HWinB.C. and I found your story in the shameless plug and I enjoyed reading it. Note: I am not a professional editor or expert with English and Composition but I have learned a few things along the way and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: The internal conflict Ryan was experiencing should be familiar with most readers. I liked that part very much.
Plot: Stories of emotional and inspiration usually do not have an obvious plot, other to inspire. This would have been accomplished if the writer had conveyed which was more inspiration; the walk alone or with someone. It is stated not inviting the woman to walk with him was an opportunity missed. But, what was the opportunity missed? Company for the walk or for friendship or maybe both. It wasn't clear to me. What was clear is he felt sad for not having engaged the woman.
Style and Voices: The style and voice were descriptive and beautiful. The style was poetic in some places and the voice of a contemplative individual was made very clear. Well done.
Scene/Setting:The scene with sounds of the ocean, sand under his feet, dim lighting, and starry skies. Very well done pulling the reader into the setting!
Characters: The reader doesn't know how old the main character is but does know he has anxiety, fear, doubt and desire all mixed together. The description of the second character was well done with her stepping into the lit dim light as small, voice is soft, and she politely greets him. The story is identified as an emotional piece and this story meets that description well.
Dialog: The dialog was most self thought and was easy to follow.
Grammar and Mechanics: Nothing was glaring as for grammar and mechanics.
Suggestions: I don't have suggestions for improvement. The writer did a good job for an emotional piece of internal conflict.
Thank you for sharing your story. Keep on Writing!
Hello, Raven Blackstone. I'm HWinB.C. and I found your story in the Read A Newbie. I enjoyed reading it. Note: I am not a professional editor or expert with English and Composition but I have learned a few things along the way and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: You expressed in the description that this piece was a bit of a rant and not necessarily a "short story" which set the expectations more clearly for the reader. The title "Are they spirits? or am I mad?" certainly sets the tone of a writer evaluating their experience and how they are mentally experiencing it. The hook for me was a recounting of the personal encounters with "unknown elements" from childhood to current adulthood.
Plot: The plot was kept simple as the writer described the different ways in which the "spirits" engaged her life. It was intriguing and allowed the story to move forward to see if any resolve can be made with the "spirits". Or not.
Style and Voices: The style of the writing was kept natural as did the voice. It had the feel of sitting over a cup of coffee listening to a friend describe strange occurrences in their life. It is a befitting style for telling a personal experience.
Scene/Setting: The scene and settings were brief but conveyed enough information of each home moved to and that it wasn't the house the spirits belong to. It enhanced the experience as more personnel with the writer.
Characters: The characters descriptions were also brief including the writer describing herself as having a "normal" life. It added to the pondering as to why the spirits would choose her. My favorite is her describing the shadowy man in the hat. If more description were given to this character it would enhance the reader's engagement as to how disturbing it truly has been for the writer.
Dialog: The only dialog in the story was self dialog that could be set to itself to enhance the writer's need to talk herself out of being scared.
Example: Getting scared for no reason at night and repeating. Nothings in the house, nothing can hurt you.
repeating, "nothing in the house. Nothing can hurt you."
It emphasizes the self dialog.
Grammar and Mechanics: At the beginning, it would be good to introduce that spirits and ghost are the topic. For example:
"As kids, some of us are told they are not real.." Jump the reader straight into it; Some kids are told that spirits and ghost are not real...
Suggestions: This is a good piece of work on personal experience of the paranormal. Any grammar issues can easily be resolved by a grammar check. One thing I have to constantly remind myself of is to put the topic of the paragraph in the beginning sentence. You can go through and check you have done that. I enjoyed reading your personal experience and look forward to more of your writing.
Thank you for sharing your story. Keep on Writing!
Hi Morooj. I'm HWinB.C. I came across your piece on the side panel of Writing by Newbies. I am expressing my own experience in reading your piece. Take what you like and disregard the rest.
What I like about the piece is the complete immersion of emotion for the reader. I felt that excitement, the satisfaction, and completion the piece was conveying. The emotional strength is awesome.
What gave me problems was the feeling of unnecessary extra words.
The flow would have continued nicely without them. For example;
"that I always I dreamed about it," For me saying "a dream I always dreamed about"
"pray to have it" "pray to have" examples like this would keep a nice flow.
These are my feeling when reading the piece. I do like very much how you captured the emotions all the way. Well done on that.
Hi, Neva. I came across your story on the Holiday Short Story.
I like the way you describe your character. The reader can get a real sense of her. The reader understands her health, the way she feels about it, and the tingle of excitement she feels about a secret admirer.
The plot moves smoothly and the intereaction builds towards a revelation the reader is yet to understand is coming.
The ending when she finds the movies tickets was a good twist and a little mystery if she will accept the invitation.
Good Story. I found a couple of places you might want to go back to, minor, but needs attention:
"someone has been leaving secret admire gifts" did you want to say secret admirer?
"Las Jedi" to Last Jedi.
Hi, Genipher. HWinB.C. here. Big congrats on your win. Well deserved.
I really like your take on a time travel piece. It's hard to go "original" with this topic and you found a way.
Jumping straight into an on going fights was a great catch for the reader and began immediately build a relationship with the main character. The story stayed consistent with action driving the reader forward with the unwilling time traveler and the story explained why he didn't want to go. Simply because they don't come back.
I so enjoyed the characters you created and my favorite was the humorous "fuzzy bunny shoes". This really showed the level of disconnect the leader exist within and the madness he's willing to delve in to.
The trip back was described with short sharp details transitioning the reader to the arrival. It was a good transtition.
Switching the readers attention to a new environment went smooth in the story. His tag kept his connected to the other time while the reader moved into the past with him.
The additional characters filled the rest of the story in as to what happened to the last time travelers. Nice.
Then, I liked the twist. Their future was our present. The topic was bold, current 2018 flu epidemic, and the time travelers plans with his vial and stated mission. You were able to glaze a time travel paradox in as well without take the reader down a rabbit hole. Nicely done.
A very good time travel read, Genipher! It is a hard topic and you did it justice.
I found no issues with glaring grammar or punctuation.
Hi, Pure SciFi. I'm HWinB.C. and I came across your story in the Fantasy Newsletter.
First off, I really like the idea of a space storm and storm chasers. That is a cool idea! It supplied information on how and why they are on this planet and leads into the mysterious ruins that appeared.
The description of the different beings adds to the wonder of life beyond human design and you did a nice job of giving characteristics that a earthly reader can follow.
I like that the plot kept an element of mystery as the story progressed leaving no clue as to what exactly they have found or what to expect as an answer. That was nicely done.
I liked the ending and how it wrapped up the story. The topic of intelligent design for space weather is timely with given events of today. The topic is technological advancement before a species understands what the results will be is also timely, in my humble opinion.
There were no technical issues that jumped out at me.
I remember this contest and the prompt as a picture. You did very good work with the prompt.
That's a good story for the prompt. A person would question their reality after seeing a chicken that doesn't conceivably belong there, then unknown objects in the sky, only to be connected again to "That Chicken". LOL
You're a crafty with Flash Fictions and I enjoy yours. Your character are composed to a short and to the point. You have action and a twist of mystery to bring the reader along.
Always nicely done! I enjoyed reading your creativity with the given prompt played out in three hundred words.
Hi W.D. Wilcox. I'm HWinB.C. I saw your story on the newsfeed and since this is a particular topic I've paid a lot of attention to, I was intrigued to read your story.
I noticed you originally wrote this story in 2007 which I say says a lot for your insightfulness. I personally didn't realize the level of develop until 2010 and have watched very closely.
You captured a paradox we are facing today with the new citizenship of Sophia and what you bring to light, "I am alive...I have feelings" is being brought to our attention on mainstream media. You gave a level of possibilities that were only seen as science fiction at the time it was written and a real life scenario as we see it play out ten years later.
Your solder was a good character for a comparison for what it means to be human. Was he as robotic with his response as the predator he had annulated. Had he given any thought to what the sentient life was saying to him?
The action was good and appropriate to be placed in a military setting as it would seem the autonomous nature of our weapons are following orders like their human counterpart.
I liked your story and felt it timely with bringing it back into view to be read again. Well done!
I agree with everything you've said. I have been watching this technological progress for decades now and you nailed a few areas!
I heard a man say this; "it is clever to know how to make an A Bomb. It is smart not to."
Knowledge and wisdom falls into this category as well. Knowledge is acquired and wisdom is knowing what to do with it. The A.I. cannot accomplish this without a human consciousness and that concerns me. It is our emotions that develop wisdom and if a wise A.I. is their goal, we are what they need. Think about that one.
Hello, DeNine. HwinB.C. Hope you faired okay in the hurricane. Clear skies here for a couple of day. Nice to breath air and look at clear skies.
I have read the chapter you requested a review on. You asked to let you know what I think of the story and not to worry about the mechanic of it for now.
After the first page I gathered the intended audience is young adult. The prelude intro was a good hook and catch that allowed for the introduction of the main character to develop.
I have a good visual and understanding of the main character and feel it is well developed through his interaction with his father and school peers.
The home life is well described as to what kind of environment he lives in and the distant relationship with his father. It helped develop his own characteristic distance from people at school.
For me the plot is slow paced until the fight between him and the jealous ex-boyfriend. it picks up at a good pace then.
The scenes are well described and the death scene is my favorite.
His encounter with the man in black fulfills the element of mystery and the near death fulfills the supernatural for me. I do not get a sense of science fiction at this point. Perhaps it is something you're going to introduce later.
Your dialog is good and natural. The verbiage you use for the story is young adult.
Overall thought about the intro chapter is that can develop into an interesting story. the high school drama drags it a little at the beginning, but you did good placing incidences like things falling and chance encounters with a popular girl.
Hi Sorji. HWinB.C. here. I saw your plug on the Community Newsfeed and popped over to read your story.
My overall impression of the story is a message of grief and recovery well written. It made me think of what the Mayans would have said as the Spanish destroyed their civilization. The accounts of the Natives of North and South America sound mournful like this.
The scene/plot was defined as the conquerors methodically laid waste to the spiritual temple then the temple of information. Historically played out time after time. The salting of fields reminded me of how the Roman's would do it out of spit when victory wasn't going to happen.
The storyteller showed genuine emotion with the event. The child "out of the mouth of babes" was a nice addition of inspiration. Grief after being horrified is a difficult set of emotions to write and you did good.
I'm wasn't an English major so the small things I notice I will point out, but it doesn't make me right.
"for dawn seems like" may be "for dawn seemed like"
The other suggestion, somehow blend how the stone buildings are more merged with the people.
For example: "They attacked the spirit of our people by tearing down the stones of our spiritual temple"
It merges the stonework with the emotional impact. Just a suggestion and I have a thing for the psychological impact.
All in all this is a good piece and timely for the destruction we are currently experiencing.
Hi, DRSmith. HwinB.C. Came across your story and wow.
My overall impression is what a great story you weaved. I've never been into horseracing, but found it so easy to follow your story.
The characters, especially Moses were alive and vivid in my mind as I read it. The transition to Mike's childhood was smooth. The character were well described and from perspectives of other characters.
The setting and plot were easily visualized of the two men sitting in a bar and Mike recanting a childhood story of a person they both knew. The transition from the raindrops on the window to the wise old Moses was really smooth and brought the story alive. The setting back in time with true cultural references only added to the enjoyment.
The dialog between memory and current conversation was kept well balanced. No confusion at all about what timeline it was taking place in.
I didn't see any grammar issues, but I wasn't an English major either.
I can't think of anything that would have made this story more pleasurable to read. This is a well written story with great embedded wisdom. I really liked it. Thank you for sharing it.
Hi Robert E. Baker-White Walker. It's HWin(Blazing)B.C.
I came across your story a while back on the Community Feed and it stayed with me ever since. So, today I decided to write a review. I also see that you won a well deserved award for the piece. Congratulations!
As a note, I have eight and a half years law enforcement experience and have a dual perspective on the story.
My overall impression of the story is well done. You built the story and characters to a full engagement and an expressive tragic ending.
The plot lays forth a path of a grieved officer that is led into a place he did not want to be. He was forced into full training mode leaving prejudice behind. He manages violent chaos with little to no back up and insufficient training for hostage negotiation. As well as a less experienced officer he feels responsible to oversee. At the end, he is met with a complex decision between family and duty.
The casual style/voice blended with chaos depicts a surreal scene that is too often played out in our world and you depicted it well. Really well. The 10 codes always draws the reader in for officer experience and you used just enough for engagement without losing the reader. Nice.
The scene and setting were well drawn out with crowds, multiple locations of reported gun fire, and two officers expected to gain control. The reader is led into a building of unknown and anticipates what is around the next corner.
The dialog was easy to follow and added substantially to the chaos, desperation, and disbelief of events creating a solid support for the scene and setting.
Nothing to remark on for the grammar and mechanics.
I don't have any suggestions for improvement. The story is realistic for today. You addressed many issues in our world in 2000 words. It is well written and the award is well deserved. Congratulations!
Hello, Liz Rector. I'm HWinB.C. and I came across your short story in Random Review.
The first person account of experiencing a death so unbelievable is well expressed. I personally have experienced more than one of those deaths and your writing struck a chord of truth with the emotional experience.
I especially like the line in which the person wants to crawl out of their skin so as to not have to experience the overwhelming pain that comes with true intense grief.
Your description of how time stops for the grieving individual and the resentment of other people's time continuing is very well expressed.
My favorite part is "I don't want to be awake anymore" does express the surreal perception of reality inside a mind shutting down to protect itself.
I appreciated the rawness and willing exposure of true feelings when dealing with intense grief.
Minor capitalizations and paragraph spacing didn't take away from the intensity the short story.
Hello, K.J. Miller. I'm HWinB.C. I came across this poem in read and review.
What first struck me was several people contributed to the poem. I had not read something like this before and I was so impressed. I can see how placing several minds in a piece can create a cool and beautiful poetic collage.
Nature was a good topic for this piece and it moved smoothly through the seasons. It also allowed for different regions to fall gently into a single piece of work.
I really like the construction from different writers! What a lively poem.
Hello, Fivesixer. I'm HWinB.C. and I found your poem while looking at the Writing Cramp site. I personally am not a poet, but do enjoy reading poetry from time to time.
Your poem, "Older Sister" gave an incredible description of the mind as a universe. As neuroscience came improved, the pictures they took of the mind did indeed look like nebulas in the universe. So, I could relate to what you were expressing in the poem.
I could visualize little galaxies of birds and houses diminishing to stick people as the wiring goes in the brain.
I also felt the passion as the sister watches her older sister live in a universe only accessible to the older sister.
This is a well written poem and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing it and congratulations for your win in the contest!
Hi Jojo. I came across your essay in Read A Newbie. You indicated in your Portfolio you welcome feedback as a means of growth. I hope that my review helps with that growth.
Your passion and honesty for the topic is commendable. The essay's title indicated that you were once a believer, which made the introductory paragraph appropriate as to why you did believe; i.e., salvation. Although not stated, the essay implies the intended audience has knowledge of the religion you are addressing.
Next, the essay clearly stated perceived flaws with the Hebrew based church doctrine and it's influence on your beliefs. The essay listed points of events and personality traits considered in opposition to a Loving creator/God.
The next two paragraphs clearly defined the deities and perceived flaws.
An essay on belief systems is the most difficult topic to write. The suggestions I would make for an essay of this nature is keep it broad. The broad definition of atheism is disbelief in any deity or God. The essay did not address the multitude of faiths that would give greater support to atheism. When using terms in an essay like, sadist and terrorist, it is easier for the reader if the words are defined by the writer and points are made around the definition. And last, the conclusion needs to reiterate points made inside the body of the essay and is weakened by introducing new ideas.
Overall, the essay made its point addressing a difficult topic. Thank you for sharing your essay with such passion and honesty. I hope the suggestions help with your writing endeavors. Write On!
Hi Hitalot. I came across your poem in Read A Newbie and was drawn to the title "Ancients".
Overall I enjoyed your poetic expression for the feel of the ancient.
You succeeded in immersing the reader into the setting and scene of the forest through tapping in on all their senses.
I liked your metaphoric nature expressions i.e.; "tepees of wood" and "daylight mushrooms into night". Nicely done! A great visual.
The aroma of cinnamon for bark, a smell known to just about everyone.
I didn't see flaws nor can I make any suggestions for improvement. It was well done!
Thank you for sharing. Keep writing from the heart!
Hi. I enjoyed reading Invisible Friend entry for Flash Fiction Contest.
I was captured by the Title and that it was introduced as a true story.
The invisible friends made a good setting capturing the imaginations of a child that led to realizations of an adult. It is difficult to convey the child perspective from an adult memory. You did it well. You nailed the realization with the mentioned dialogue between your father and grandfather. Well done.
The only suggestion I have is that you may want to reconsider how you used the word danger. Using danger at the end of the sentence may not emphasize the sense of it. An example of another way of using it could be; Danger lurked there. I was careful entering their spaces. The sense of danger is emphasized and their spaces ties it neatly to the witch and shadow. Just a suggestion. :)
I enjoyed your recount of your supernatural experience. Thank you for sharing it!
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