Bravo, I didn't guess and usually I am a good guesser. Your portrayal of Joey was excellant-I have worked with ED kids . I thought of the OHenry story , The Ransom of Red Chief , when I got to the end of your tale.You had just the right amount of detail in the story not to give it away . I look forward to seeing other works by you . Keep writing.
Grammer "Mom and she had a huge fight." instead of "My mom and her had a huge fight"
This sentence is awkward "While I was thinking about all this, there was a knock on the door. "
What is important in this sentence is the knock, it intrudes on her memories. Make it the star of your sentence and don't bury it in the middle , showcase it in front. It is an actionthat is going to change a direction in your story. You want everything to advance the plot.
When Mom talks about Ryan, after Dad returns, put more venom in her voice and slow her dialogue down with action.
The last part of the story feels rushed , You also are telling me not showing me. I know that ideas sometimes arrive too fast. A trick that I use is to write the telling parts down but each time that I go to submit somewhere or post, I untie the tell into a show which paces the story better.
Can't wait to see what happens next. Keep writing
Break this sentence up to showcase both . Together, I think that they weigh each other dowm. "The ground had been dusted with a light snow the night before and when the sun came up the city seemed to sparkle, the small flicker of lights dancing in the sun light.'
"As the months go on she would need Mustard's companionship but as for right now, she needed her mother" Suggest as the months went on , instead.
I would rephrase this " She didn't understand why she got in these moods; like there was an insatiable urge to visit the resting place of her mother. " Your most inportant part of this sentence is "Insatiable urge to visit ..." Make that part of the sentence direct the action . Build to thatthen have the confusion as to why fall into the let down as you resolve the issue.
Talk to me abou tthe depression . CAn you define it for me and the reader?
I love this. It is a lift to a snowy icy day when I may not be able to go anywhere. Nice pace. Good character development. Nice balance of pathos and humor. Its witty . Made me want to read more. Have you thought about expanding this into something larger?
Break the task into smaller managable parts. You probably won't write in sequence. I haven' t.
Who are your main characters? What is their conflict? How do they resolve it? What do they learn on their way to resolution ? How does it help them grow.
Who opposes them? Why and how are they opposed?
Make sure that you do your research . It will help guide you.
Nice effort. I realize that you are going for dialect. You use man, way too many times. How else can you get the same feeling of ethnic comraderie? When making a reference to a celebrity? Rosario Dawson , that it may not mean anything to some of your audience. Put some explaination to modify the name to make it more accessible to tghe genera audience.
Unless I missed it, you omitted Gail Davis as Annie Oakley. Wonderful article.
Ida Lupino directed in addition to acting. "Lupino continued acting throughout the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, and her directing efforts during these years were almost exclusively television productions such as Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Thriller (U.S. TV series), The Twilight Zone, Have Gun – Will Travel, The Donna Reed Show, Gilligan's Island, 77 Sunset Strip, The Investigators, The Ghost & Mrs. Muir, The Rifleman, The Virginian, Batman, Sam Benedict, Bonanza, The Untouchables, The Fugitive, Columbo, and Bewitched" per Wikipedia . So she was ahead of the curve in reality and not just on the screen.
Gracie Allen was the business brains per husband George in their duo.
If you were a fan of the Man from U.N.C.L.E and thought you recognized Mr Waverly (Leo G. Carroll) from somewhere else, you did. He starred in the Topper tv series with Anne Jeffreys amd Robert Sterling as George and Marion Kirby - a pair of swinging ghosts that only Topper could see or hear. Marion was hardly the typical house wife. Lee Patrick replaced (Billie Burke who was in the movie but not the tv series) as Topper's wife Henrietta. She was a banker's wife .
Interestimg take on the Genesis story . I wish that you had identified the male companion. I am curious as to why you did not choose Lilth as she is traditionally the mother of vampires and such. It was also noteworthy that Adam hadn't a clue about women even before he was cursed. Felt a little rushed towards the end.
I like that you sought out an alternative belief and allowed it to have power. Very powerful symbol of Maximillan not moving and Vana's own lack of belief. I feel that it was less important for her to believe than to admit that there are somethings b eyond the ken of humans.
Your character at the beginning seems more atheist than agnostic I base this on your first sentence "Vana never believed in spirits and spiritual possessions." An agnostic questions the reality and forms of the god head - and atheist denies that any of it exists.
There also seems to be a confusion between belief in religion and belief in the Divine. " Vana walked out of the Terreiro with a light heart. They never asked her for money or contributions. Amazing. How could she have been so blind and so narrow-minded? " They are not the same thing.
but I did like the premise of the story. You told it well. I know of Macumba as Brazilian voodoo - like its Haitian cousin , it has a link to the the Catholic saints. I did not know that Macumba was also a synonym for curse . I think that a little more research might help.
I think that you did a good job of displaying the realitiy of true madness. I liked the changling that emerged at the end. If this really someone else because the narrator believes that it is or not because those believed to be sane and the guardians of reality such as the doctor believe that the narrator is mad and that there is only 1 person. Sort of a doppleganger. I enjoyed reading this . You might consider evoking the idea of her talking to other, variation of persecution . Maybe there even being times when the doppleganger can leave the mirror ( such as when the patient sleeps) and the patient being blamed or praised for the doppleganger's actions , of which the patient knows nothing.
I took your advice and looked this up . Interesting spin. I like the Mythological approach .I love Campbell and Graves. I think that you did a really good job explaining to layman the story of Lyssa.
You asked about my vampires. They are genetic. No demons. I took the Creation Myth (Adam/Eve/Lilith) and respun that into the time of god kings . The vampires are the children of Lilith's tribe. Usually peaceful and well mannered. They stay out of sight starting with Constantine's decision to favor Christianity , most of which are Eve's tribe.After the Dark Ages , they started staying hidden in plain site. They live outwardly normal lives, they eat food but also need the blood (feed). Their kids are like any human kid(no blood, no problem with sun) . It was Nature's way of protecting them . They live longer, are stronger , sun sensitivity increases with age. When the males lose the sun , it is gone for good. Females are luckier . They gain limited sun tolerance back with live birth.
We have a point of agreement "It is a master vampire's role to council the young, maintain the quota, and prevent the world from thinking Lyssa's family is more than legend. "
The story of Lilith is the first of several secrets that are taught . The Second Secret is that they are the surviving (usually )descendants of heretics who escaped the witchcraft hysteria of Middle Ages. The need for secrecy about who they really are is key.
I am not sure about a bat caring a bottle of wine or whatever. Something lighter perhaps a flask might have more crediblity. It could still be intricately decorated.
He seems very young into the life - its still a moral thing for him despite the references to Atlantis . Think about how much you worry about the approval of others when you dine.
A few things on the other end. I am not sure what your prologue has to do with the other two divorces.
Yes, I am familiar with Lil Abner though many of the younger readers/reviewers may not be . It hasn't run in decades and Al Capp has been dead quite awhile.( I was recently told the same thing about HCUA and Sen. McCarthy) .
Having worked with juvenile deliquents quite a few years ago, I would say that your account rang true. As you expand this, you might want to contrast the good days with the bad. Sometimes with teens its like they are all Regan McNeil from the Exorcist. mixed with Snow White. You can never take for granted that they won't react to something that under normal conditions should not carry much weight.
Too many ands. Shorter simpler sentences are definately appropriate .
Ex: It was the early 1970's. I was in grade school. We lived in a rowhouse across from the plant. The narrowness of our street was accentuated by the ribbon of railroad tracks which ran down the center of the pavement,.. With a wooden backboard - then start new sentence , with "I'd come home..."
"Roger a tall rangy guy drove a Duster . He was smitten with Patty. I mean ,who wouldn't be ? She was the cutie that lived on in the other half of our duplex.
These are the kind of things that get better with time and experiance.
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