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I have read your item and I would like to share my review with you.
BEGINNING/OPENING
From the beginning (and just in case the title did not give a hint!) the reader knows this is a love story. So, what more does he want to do? Read on, of course. A love story is a winner anytime.
PLOT
At the start Amy has one friend: Brad. She meets Luke and the relationship goes on. The story seems to focus on the relationship and what happens to university students. It might be useful to concentrate on the plot, per say. If the story is about students'life, it should have three equal parts, before, during, and after Luke. The plot can also concentrate on the love story between Luke and Amy (as the title suggests), the plot can also be Amy's story only where University, Luke and Brad would have equal participation...etc etc...
SETTING-Place and Time/DESCRIPTIONS
I like the description of the library. I would have loved to study there too. The libraries I know in the U are cold and huge, not really a tempting place to be in.
CHARACTER/S
Amy is described through her studies and her will to succeed.
Luke is more shallow and the only descriptions that concerns him are through the bet (with the big girl) and the very last sentence.
Brad is a little undermined in the story.
Made me
I have a soft spot for stories that go from the beginning to the end. It makes me sad but I love it!
Surprised me
That Amy finally ended up with Brad, who had been there the whole time. Makes me feel like the story should be "Amy and Brad" because Amy is the central character (so her name should be first) and Brad seems to be "the one".
ENDING
A little sad as far as Luke is concerned, he did not look like someone who would just stay lonely. Happy ending for Amy and Brad who finally recognized each other.
I wonder
- ...know as "Amy and Luke" --> knowNas "Amy and Luke"(and should be "Luke and Amy" to match the title.
- It might be a good idea to give an hint from the beginning that Luke and Amy are not together anymore. Just because it is good to know where we are going, so the reader would read to
find out what tore them apart instead of reading to enjoy a love story, safe and sound since
"they had always been together".
I often write it in my reviews, and I think it is true: Hitchcock (spelling?) said that it was always better to show the murder weapon in order to build up suspense, rather than have the murderer surprisingly jump out from behind the curtain. I think it is true.
If you give a hint that Luke and Amy are now apart, it would put the reader in the right ambiance from the start and he would spend the whole time reading wondering where "it" is going to happen.
- In the same respect, may I suggest that you develop the Amy-Brad relationship a little more (I understand that you were given little time to write this story, of course, it is a very good job, done in fifteen minutes, BRAVO!). The reader would then feel the weight of the Brad character from the start.
- May I suggest to describe the characters a little more.
- I would like to suggest also adding some dialogues in order to "show" actions and emotions.
- May I also say that paragraphs would make the reading easier.
IN MY HUMBLE OPINION
I think you have the good ground for a nice love story or a story about growing up. I like the way it starts and ends, as I said earlier, I have a soft spot for this kind of stories. I like the way you describe university life, and students aspirations. I think you did a wonderful job in fifteen minutes.
I hope this review is helpful.
May I invite you to consider joining the group I am starting "The Golden Archer's Terrace" , if you wanted to work on this particular item, the group could help.
With kind regards,
Isa.
** Image ID #971408 Unavailable **
"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
Author:Benjamin Franklin