Kirsten, always enjoy reading your work. I'm going to be very critical on you, only because I'm pretty convinced that you've already outgrown this site, and that you should be getting your work published in specialist journals / magazines by now. After that, maybe the New Yorker! Steve
First sentence, "At work last night," - seems rough. The comma interrupts your flow, and unless work is important to your story, do we need to know? The subject is interesting on its own, let it shine without impedance.
First paragraph seems introductory, but I'd like your story better if it was incorporated into the rest of the narrative. You could even build more tension by not knowing. What drew you to this particular spot? How long have you waited? What are you feeling, deep down - and not just intellectually?
"busy silence of night" stuck in my mind's jaw for some reason. It may be that the apparent silence slowly gives way to the underlying chorus of night critters - but they're certainly not silent at that point.
"mozzies" - what are they? Mosquitoes? And why feel guilty?
Why are your nerves jangled? Is this important?
"but sometimes, the propellers..." - flow is disrupted by commas - not very much in fashion. Try making this part tighter.
Last paragraph - very nice and emotional, although it would be helpful to paint more of a picture of you standing on the beach. The way you've written this, it is yourself and not the turtle babies that are the central character. We should know more about you - age, clothing, hopes and fears.
This would also be a great place to put some of the deeper and uplifting thoughts you present at the beginning of the story. Nice conclusion to the whole experience.
Wonderful work, as always Kirsten. Looking forward to reading more of your stories.
Very nicely written - much better than the average piece on WdC. There were a few points where you slip into Jason's point of view - although those instances could also be ambiguous. The first sentence is a case in point.
> his eyes still shut tight.
Work on making the sentences a little tighter. The above phrase can become - eyes tightly shut - for instance.
It's a great scene. It would be nice to learn more about her character, what her motivations and background may be. Nothing too heavy, just enough to make us warm up to her more.
It's extremely well written, tender and a great touch upon an often-neglected (though incredibly important) subject. It's one that I intend to deal with in some way. So in this sense, you've got a winner.
The reason I didn't give you a perfect score is that you've got a great base here - as a beginning and ending. In recipe terms, you told me the ingredients, and then you quickly jumped to how it tasted long after the meal was finished.
You have a lot more story left untold, and that tells me this is only the beginning. I urge you to fill in all the gaps.
It's a very cute and well-written story. There's some technical issues, and some more fundamental characterization issues - but nothing that can't be easily fixed. Good job!
Your text is in << angle brackets >>
<< room sat an old man. He was a scarecrow held up by whatever will he had left. He was>>
It's cold, it's winter, he's old, and chances are he's got some clothing on. Joe may infer that he's a scarecrow, but there ain't much visible according to the mental picture you've painted.
<< “Oh, no, but your busy I can wait.” He replied. >>
You probably meant, "you're busy"
<< “Did you not notice that I am driving a Mercedes? I need a nice quality tire. Does a place like >>
Ms. Bossy's character is self-contradictory. She's cheap because she keeps plugging the same tire. She's ostentatious because she drives a Mercedes. These have to be reconciled. My experience with Mercedes tires is that they're fairly specialized - you can't just change them with anything. And chances are you can't 'plug' them either.
<< “Your fathers a nice man too. He always took care of Mildred, that’s my wife. She passed >>
You probably mean "father's."
<< As I rode my bike home I thought about Mr. Templeton. I wondered if he would remember me >>
Characterization for Joe doesn't add up here. It seems unlikely, especially in an age of self-serve and credit cards and working at a garage, that Joe wouldn't already have his own car.
<< Templeton standing in front of the stage at the Pops. On the back of the photograph it read. It only took but to listen to make an old man happy. I was happy to have spent the time to talk, >>
I'm not sure what you mean here. It may be that the third sentence is supposed to be a quote from the picture, but it's not clear. You may want to make it somehow more personal as well. This may entail elaborating a bit more on the exact relationship interactions through dialog and bonding instead of simple narration. This will enhance the tear-jerk moment when we learn that he died and left his car.
Very nice work, and touching. It might be nice to 'see' you and he a bit more through descriptions, and how you each behave - you know, the little things that make you different. I also had a bit of a problem with the 'chartered' bus - why would you take a chartered bus home from work? And the transition from stalker to forgetter was also abrupt. Other than that, rock on!
Poetry is just so HARD to rate because it's so darn personal, and almost by definition without rules. Your poem is one of the best I've seen on WdC - so good job!
My favorite poem about our universe is Blake's 'to see a world in a grain of sand.'
In as few words as possible, he links the unimaginable infinite and eternal with the common solids of our lives - entwining them with our senses at the same time.
So here's my challenge to you - since you understand more than the average joe what science says about our universe - can you incorporate something familiar with some of these concepts? Please try - because I am as well!
Hi Lora! Your desparate plea caught my attention - but I don't have much time to read the entire work, so I'm going to critique your first paragraph.
Technically you're right on target - so a perfect score for spelling, punctuation - boring stuff. Now, for the meat...
Imagine meeting someone for the first time at a party. And for the first ten minutes all they do is tell you about their room. Ten minutes. Ten, long, minutes.
You manage to get away from that person, and you meet another. First thing she tells you is that she's got fairy neighbors. Huh? Then she lives in a tree. Double Huh! Oh, by the way, there's a dragon that's dying, a war, this boy she really likes, but has to go to school.
Now that's a person you want to get to know.
So don't be afraid to give someone a real taste of adventure up front. They may not have the time to read your whole work, but they will read your first sentence (THE most important) and that could lead to the first paragraph (also important) - and if they're not hooked by then, well, back to the drawing board.
Good luck!
S
PS - I've also found that this site doesn't take well to LONG works - think about cutting it into tasty bite-sized pieces that will keep them wanting more.
I don't hand 5s out very often - but you have a great sketch here.
On the other hand, it's not destined for the bookshelves any time soon. Sketches rarely are. Instead, you may have the beginnings of an idea that could get you some fame. There's a play / musical called Wicked - maybe you know about it? The story of Oz told from the witches point of view. You have the same theme going on here - the dark side of neverland.
It seems to me that Peter is not the lucky one - he's the one being punished.
Yes, the boys who are taken are also imprisoned - doing something they think they like. They grow up into pirates - but what really motivates them? Why do they want to stay? I can think of lots of reasons - but this is your baby. I'd like to see it have (at least one) deeper level of meaning.
Only one girl shows up in neverland as I recall - unless you count tink.
This is extremely good stuff - very emotional, very tight, and well structured!
My subjective comments are these: I didn't get enough out of the first few paragraphs to understand who Katherine really was, her world, her community, and the expectations surrounding her. It isn't until the end that my impressions are that she's a very young Amish (or similar) girl who is either much younger than she looks, is somehow learning disabled, or unduly naive for some reason.
That she's been raped is horrid, but that she or her community is not really reacting to this also seems an oversight. She's about to get an abortion, although the Bishop's comments make it seem that she's going to be murdered.
Very cool - I like it and where you're going with it! It may have more impact if you try describing the event in 'real time' instead of a series of accumulated flashbacks. You keep referring to 'as with every night' or 'some nights.' Try keeping us within this night alone. You can certainly refer to how you used to peek and were repulsed. How originally you jumped, but have gotten used to it over the days, years, etc. Of course, a sentence or two explaining why you have to be there would help the tension.
Finally, I'm sure that this is an excellent metaphor for all of us who are politically indifferent. My feeling is that you are sitting in your house, watching the lapping of political greed eat away at your soul, the monster currently embodied by Rove.
Cute story, well writ, so that's nice. However, the story itself is rather cliche, so it would be nice to see something different. If this is just for personal use, then fine enough - if you're thinking of publication, then you'll have to tighten it and jazz it up.
Here's one typo - I'm not sure if you're going for thickest or thick-set...
"center of a thick est part of the woods"
Very pretty, poignant, and appropriate for today's day and age. Also pregant with adjectives and adverbs - it's a good story and well written within itself, so you don't need a lot of extra dressing.
I suggest trying to start with one of the last paragraphs first, so that you hook the reader into the story with the question, what happened? Maybe deepen our insights into both of you as well - friends, school, hobbies.
You also just hint at the dark shadow of the father - is that all you want to give, or could there be more to it?
Josie, this is much better than the last version I read. You still need to 'flesh' out Sammy a bit more. If your intention is to help expose the conflict that goes on inside the head of a psychologically impaired person - then perhaps we could start to look at Sammy more as a character instead of just a one dimensional narrator. For instance, Sammy would probably be busy holding back those terrible childhood memories - a real blessing - but what happens when the medication suppresses Sammy?
Also, lots of little technical glitches - this paragraph was the most egregious...
Eugenia stopped. She turned to my friend. Her tapered hand undid the strap of his helmut then Smacks love lifted the helmut off his head. She looked into his sqinty green eyes, then she took in the s*** smelling expression on his face. Her hand caressed his rough cheek. "You are a very handsome man, Smack Brady."
Pretty darn excellent sentiments. I love the expression on people's faces (usually whites, but not always) that don't realize the birthplace of humanity is Africa. Everyone started out black. Not just brown.
You also left out Hannibal (one of my favorites) and most likely early Egyptian pharaohs, and possible even Archimedes and Socrates (so it's been rumored).
More to the point of the poem / story / song - it seems jumpy to me. She keeps jumping back to how she's being put down, then pointing out famous blacks. How would it be if it was more continuous? This may just be a style thing - and just an observation on my part. I say, keep this going!
S
One technical question, you wrote "See I hate to boost" Is that supposed to be 'boast'?
Wonderfully written, sensitive scenes at home. You've got a nice gift - it's almost as if it's autobiographical. Seeing as how you've got more chapters you're going someplace with this - and if you're inclined I'd be happy to read on.
As it stands, there's not enough tension in the plot to compel me to read on. Course, I'm probably not your target reader. I'd rather be talking to your Pa about Mohenjodaro and tea.
Here's a couple of technical issues.
And IF they ever find out about Marvin - God, even the heavens will be too good for me!
Missing a period after the parentheses about Marvin.
Loved your voice and style. The story is gripping from the romantic perspective. The ending seems rather abrupt, however, especially given all the build-up. It would seem that you could have something more to add – and keep it going?
Here are some technicalities: (my comments are in parens)
“Greg (that’s his name) would say,” (you probably don't need to say that since you just mentioned him a moment earlier)
“dabble into the art field, influenced my life greatly.” (you don't need the comma)
“a school boy that’s got his first chance...” (Is the apostrophe s really needed?)
It's beautiful, and nearly perfect in every way. However, to do a really decent review, I'd need to know who you wrote this piece for and why you wrote it (audience and purpose).
If you're writing this 'just because' it's beautiful in and of itself, then I'd suggest that, in order to make it more accessible to the general readership, try cutting it down from 4,000 words to something like 2 or even 1 thousand.
Hi Kare. I'll do yours if you do mine, okay? (I'll trust you.)
Well, it great! I think it would be perfect as a song, with a few more lyrics and coming back to your refrain each time (standard format I think).
I have some observations:
"To all the homeless on the street:
here, take this change and go.
I realize meter and pace dictate a lot, but how does just 'take this change and GO' sound instead?
"For I will live in a big white house
on a cobbled street with a gate."
More active might punch it up - I live in a big white house, on a cobbled street and iron gate... ?
"And if I never have poor friends,
please don’t assume I hate! ‘Cause,"
Something about these last lines just don't sit right, sorry. Maybe get rid of the please - someone who's ab-fab probably doesn't use the word very often anyway. That's just your niceness showing.
Overall, great! Poetry is so hard to review because it's also so personal and emotional and none of the usual rules really apply. But you've got something going here. Thanks - it's always a joy stumbling across something this fun.
You've got a pretty good piece here! I'm not one to get into this kind of fantasy fiction, but yours is easy to read and flows well. Technically good, but for a few minor hiccups. Such as:
Shouldn't 'prince' be capitalized since it refers to a specific person.
It was several paragraphs before I realized Mykal and 'prince' were the same.
The gods marked her to show that they were now under their protection.” (the 'they' is ambiguous - you mean humans or mortals, but it could mean gods)
I'm assuming you're also going to address the mystery of who could have taken the secret coded report, and answer questions like why was there a report at all, and why was it in code? For now, at the very least Mykal could wonder about it.
You've got the makings of a very deep and complex work - good luck!
S
PS - Do me a favor and check out my portfolio and read any of the letters I have there - I'd love to get your opinion.
It's already a good article, but for a proper review I'd have to know who you're target audience is. Most people here don't have any biology backgrounds, so a lot of this might throw them.
Here are some sentence fragments that can use help:
The most least deadly form of anthrax
These spores can last for years or even decades
also be 1 micrometer and 5 micrometers in diameter
You've got a great subject here, and you write very well. It drew me right into the story and flowed all the way to the end with only a few potholes to worry about. And it's those bumps that may be what kept you from first place.
You see, there are quite a few areas that leave the reader asking questions, and no answers. There are lots of reasons why a woman can be infertile - and many are the result of past actions (hers and others) or fate. Her husband accompanied her in the past, yet by the end she fully resents him - although she's the one who's wanted the child all along. For that matter, why does she want a child so badly any way?
Those are the big ticket questions - smaller ones are just as important - like why does she have so many thermometers - she only needs one. Is 9 pill bottles really a myriad? By the way, real fertility regimens also include injections - you could add some needles to your mix.
The fact that you're tackling the big emotions is great - please keep it up!
Sincerely, S.
Please let me know what you think of my items as well - love to get your opinion. Don't hold back!
Hello again Jenna. I just read your other poem, so it's good to compare your two works side-by-side. This one doesn't have anywhere near the emotional intensity of the first. Poetry really seems to come from the heart, and this one reads intellect. Like I mentioned in the other review, maybe an illustration is the way to go.
Otherwise I think it's a great subject matter and really encourage you to keep at it. Too many stories and poems out there are really dark and superficial. It's nice to read someone who digs deeper.
S
PS - Could you do me a favor and check out my Letters to my daughter - numbers 2 or 3? Thanks in advance.
I like this a lot. Technically it seems perfect. Emotionally I feel as if you're holding back - you had to feel a LOT more pain than this. Maybe combining some graphic imagery with your reactions during this time would help. Maybe twined with an event or two that really illustrates this time in your life.
The length and meter is perfect, though, so I wouldn't touch those.
Technically it's a great poem, but on the emotionally light side. Assuming that you're the one experiencing these emotions, try digging deeper - a lot deeper. If I recall, first love(s) can be traumatic, and contrast strongly with the feelings of going off to school - especially if it's Oxford.
Keep it up!
PS - Do me a favor and tell me what you think of a little essay in my portfolio - letters 2 or 3 to my daughter. Thanks in advance - S.
It's very nice, and you can tell it's heartfelt. If your purpose is to go for a poem, you're on your way. It may help the lyrical pace if you keep the voice constant - rather than switching from child to granny. Or if you want to switch, maybe do it in a more metered way. It's great - good luck!
S.
Please do me a favor and look at my letter to my daughter in my portfolio - thanks.
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